Have you ever felt an urge to live because you are terrified of growing old

[Pacific_Loner]

Hmmm ... Here I go. I am not sure though, if it has anything to do with social anxiety, maybe more with depression.

I'm in a very hyper period, since maybe 1-2 years, where I'm really in a urge to try and become what I would like to be. I'm always busy trying to spare money, trying to become the best at this and that, trying to develop skills that I always wanted to develop, I mean, I'm really productive, sometimes I throw myself in things that are not for me because I'm way too hyper and I fail, then I start again with something else... All this, to fight chronic depression (it keeps me very busy), but mostly because I'm scared to grow old and realize I don't like myself.

I am not satisfied with what I have done with my life until now, though I'm trying really, really hard, and if I wake up at 35-40 years old and I'm still not satisfied with who I am and what I have done and am doing, I might kill myself. In fact I have no idea how I could not. And it makes me very sad to think about it because that would hurt some people.

So it’s like a fight against time, I’m running against time to become amazing enough to keep me from committing suicide in 10 years.

I wonder sometimes, if I would be honest with myself, if I don’t do this because I feel that people, for some reason, expect me to be or become something amazing. Not really because I can’t bear how mediocre I perceive myself to be, but because I can’t bear the idea to be mediocre in the eyes of others.

But doing that, I wonder if I’m not missing the point, I mean, is it good to do all that because I’m learning skills and it helps against depression the same way that working 80 hours a week keeps people from depression, or does the reason why I do this make it unhealthy. Because while doing this, I absolutely don’t see the point of working on being in peace with myself. I mean, in order to be satisfied with who we are, is it a matter of skills and actions, or is it a matter of inner work that can only be achieved by thinking? Am I focusing my energy on the most shallow things, while peace of mind and happiness are reached by a totally different path?

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to wake up, in 10 years, thinking “oh no I missed what really matters, I took all the wrong ways, and now I’m still at the same point as 10-15 years ago, but I’m old, and I know what matters and I missed it, and there is no time left.”

I apologize to anyone older than 35-40 years old.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello Pacific,

I think what u are doing is great. U should continue whatever u are doing and as u say u really try hard!
I believe u does. Well i think this what u are worrying is a lot of people also. U should concentrate on presence and not "what if" in 10 years. Live for now! Not for later. If come that time u will see what u had reached, what u had experienced, what was your progress for. Now u can't know this because u aren't yet there. Don't be to much hard on your self, find things which make u really happy and also find time for relax and don't be workoholic only cuz of being scared of being no busy because one time your powers will go and u will be withdrawal and tired with no powers. U need to find the "middle way" how to reach what u wish and also have time for your self not just being busy.

 

[coyote]

i'm 46

i've done alot more crap than most people my age

but usually all i remember is what I haven't done

i figure I've got another 46 years to get things done if I take care of myself

life doesn't end at 40 - it might just start getting better

 

[JamesSmith]

“Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all”

Arthur James Balfour quote

 

[Shant]

Awkwardly enough, the opposite - a disdain for living because I know I'm going to grow old with each passing second. Last year when I was in a serious depression, I considered ending my life a few days before my 18th birthday because I didn't want to become an adult. Kind of starting to get over that.

As for an urge to live because of being terrified of growing old, though, I can understand that somewhat. At least the terrified of growing old part. I still don't like that I'm getting older, I want to remain a child. I guess I'm mentally stuck in childhood. For some reason I'm almost kind of disgusted with growing old. My only way of coping is with my dreams/aspirations of being a famous musician/composer one day, and even then, at that "old" age, I can still act more childish or something, and not have that go against me. Maybe that's what it is, overall I feel like I wasted my childhood and not ready to be an adult yet. (?) :S

 

[layeazy]

I have that feeling every couple of months pondering what i am currently doing and what i could do to make life much more meaningful. The feeling passes when i think of all the amazing things i have done with myself even with my social phobia.

It sounds like a tiny bit of depression in the mix though dude good luck keep enjoying work,hobbies and the close people you appreciate.

 

[kerunia]

I am the same!!!! But lately ive been in a period of lazyness. lol. But I totally understand what you mean. I usually make a schedule with 10 things or more to do in a day and i end up doing half of it or even less and it can be very depressing& frustrating. Actually, I noticed that when i expect less i feel like i achieve more.

 

[kihira]

Hmmm ... Here I go. I am not sure though, if it has anything to do with social anxiety, maybe more with depression.

I'm in a very hyper period, since maybe 1-2 years, where I'm really in a urge to try and become what I would like to be. I'm always busy trying to spare money, trying to become the best at this and that, trying to develop skills that I always wanted to develop, I mean, I'm really productive, sometimes I throw myself in things that are not for me because I'm way too hyper and I fail, then I start again with something else... All this, to fight chronic depression (it keeps me very busy), but mostly because I'm scared to grow old and realize I don't like myself.

I am not satisfied with what I have done with my life until now, though I'm trying really, really hard, and if I wake up at 35-40 years old and I'm still not satisfied with who I am and what I have done and am doing, I might kill myself. In fact I have no idea how I could not. I’ve done it before (failed, apparently) so I know I can. And it makes me very sad to think about it because that would hurt some people.

So it’s like a fight against time, I’m running against time to become amazing enough to keep me from committing suicide in 10 years.

I know you well enough now to say that you are likable, interesting and amazing - with photos to prove it - now read on

I wonder sometimes, if I would be honest with myself, if I don’t do this because I feel that people, for some reason, expect me to be or become something amazing. Not really because I can’t bear how mediocre I perceive myself to be, but because I can’t bear the idea to be mediocre in the eyes of others.


Self-esteem = you feeling good about yourself. While its nice to have the acceptance of those around us, it is unreliable (some folk don't give it regardless, we are never good enough for them), so work at self-esteem and drop the idea of what others think, its not needed.

But doing that, I wonder if I’m not missing the point, I mean, is it good to do all that because I’m learning skills and it helps against depression the same way that working 80 hours a week keeps people from depression, or does the reason why I do this make it unhealthy. Because while doing this, I absolutely don’t see the point of working on being in peace with myself. I mean, in order to be satisfied with who we are, is it a matter of skills and actions, or is it a matter of inner work that can only be achieved by thinking? Am I focusing my energy on the most shallow things, while peace of mind and happiness are reached by a totally different path?

I think peace of mind is approached through a combination of inner work and outer actions, that these should be gently continued throughout our lives as its unlikely that you reach it as a destination, but its something that we get closer to and improve our lives with.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to wake up, in 10 years, thinking “oh no I missed what really matters, I took all the wrong ways, and now I’m still at the same point as 10-15 years ago, but I’m old, and I know what matters and I missed it, and there is no time left.”

I think like this often and its pointless, the past is gone and cannot be changed, though it can be thought about differently - I tend to look back in a negative way and forget the good things. The future is unknown, but I do have some influence over it. What's important for me is to remember that right now I'm perfectly ok, faults and all; to look around and enjoy 'now'; and to plan interesting stuff for the future.

I apologize to anyone older than 35-40 years old.

Accepted ::

.....................

 

[Kiwong]

I'm 48, and for the last few years I have started to really live, and have started to live wonderful days. I have an urge to live more of them. My life since I turned 45 has been far better, than most of twenties, thirties and early forties. It is worth waiting for, and I would have hated to miss it by giving it all away. I fought some pretty major battles with my health to live them too, and I am proud of that.

It took me long a long time to find a reason to live. Maybe it will take you a long time too Pacific Loner, but you don't know unless you keep trying. Please don't give up.

 

[cosmosis]

I used to feel like that throughout my 20's. I would get constant spurts to need to be something or do something fast before I got too old. But when you get to the age that you feared the most, you sorta wonder why it was such a big deal. Not to say that motivation isn't important though - it got me to do a couple big things like quitting the corporate world that I probably wouldn't have the motivation to do now.

I hated my 20's and even though I haven't done nearly all the things I wanted to do, I feel mentally more content that I ever did. Somewhere along the way I stopped dreading the future as much and just starting living more now and it feels much better.

 

[Hottie]

Look, i know how you feel. But if you want to change how you feel you have got to look at the here and now...

You are doing what is best for now. You cant change the past - it is what it is. The future can be made to be what you make it. What do you want it to be? I have a future goal and that is why i am working on the present to get there.

There is no point in looking to far into the future. Unless it is for a productive reason. You need to stop the negative thinking (even tho we all do it a different points) and look on the brighter side.

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mistery, today is a gift thats why we call it the present"...

take that quote and work on today...



I am sorry you feel like this, but it doenst help your situation. Change that view your having of the future. Look at it with hope, that you can put the skills you have learned in the present, into the future.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Thanks for everyone answer. Sorry if I won't answer individually to everyone, it would get a little too long (that's one reason why I hate creating new threads ). To me it seems there is 2 categories of "older than 30 years old" people: Those who think it's the best years of their life and those who fall into a huge depression under social and self pressure. I guess it is encouraging to see that some people here like Coyote and Kiwong are still enjoying their life, maybe even more than when you were younger. However I think it is easier when you have children (no idea if you guys do), because as stupid as it sounds, nature makes us keep asking ourselves if this is what we are supposed to do, and at 40, it's getting too late. An attempt for immortality, I guess.

DespairSoul - I think I should listen to you :: Actually this is what I usually try to do: just live in the present and don't worry about the future. But sometimes people do this and then later they realize they have wasted their time and they became bitter... But I guess if I do what I want to do, and I'm evolving in some way (is it a good or bad way, I am not sure) and it pushes away depression, it can't be that wrong, right? And don't worry I'm not a workoholic, I'm unemployed haha (so basically everything I do in the day is practicing my 250 hobbies).

JamesSmith - What if he was wrong? I think there is one or two things that matters much.

Kerunia - haha I do that too, the lists. And we live in the same city so now everytime I'll do that I will think there is someone else doing exactly the same nearby ::

Phocas - Thank you for this answer, it is very helpful, really. I'm trying to work on self-esteem but sometimes I wonder if I'm using the right way, that's why I am wondering about actions vs inner work, because it seems that my way of working on my self-esteem goes more by actions... And I realized that the effect of it is that OTHERS think I'm cool when they meet me, but then it makes me feel pressure because I feel I have to work to keep alive what I considere being a delusion, and usually it ends with me going away before I fail them by being inferior of what they think I am. So I think you are right, this is not either about outer actions or inner work, it is both. So I guess I have to find a balance.

Cosmosis - Thank you for these words, it is comforting. I really hope I will think the same when I get older ...

 

[Sial Axetder]

some good advice here.

Past done. Present need to be. future doesn't exist.

Keep at it, sounds like you're doing great to me.

 

[DespairSoul]

Pacific_Loner,

Actually if this is what u try do and are able do> "live in presence" u are already amazing and on good way be happy. I actually look back...and that's completely wrong because i should live in presence and i know this so well as i know which shoe is "left" and which "right". I gave u those advice because i know is the best way how to be happy and dreamy attitude i just imagine'm'm person which i wish be so much but somehow i'm "chronic obsessive worried "what was past 10 years back and what will 10 years forward. I'm really mad on myself that i can't come to the point i will stop obsess about a lot of things At least i know where is the "issue". If is pushing your depression away u are on good way how could be that bad? Wow 250 hobbies that's wonderful but i just wonder isn't this little to much? I can count mine on one hand and yet hardly. Well before if i wasn't so despair about everything i had more hobbies i guess. Hobbies can help a lot and if u do with love,passion is almost like cure on the way. I wish u luck on your way for "presence thinking" and all happiness.

 

[Surrogate]

Nice post and replies from everyone in this thread. (and the Kung Fu Panda quote was a plus ) OP, I think I can relate to you very much, the way everything in life is an 'urge' for me now. I think you expressed everything really clearly, and the only response I have is.. same here! Haha, but really, I guess people like us who think that we have to meet a certain deadline to get things done have wild dreams. We often want the best for ourselves, and I see nothing wrong with that. It's better to have some big dream than to have no dream at all, right?

Even now, I'm still living with a constant feeling that my younger years of life were much more entertaining, and that as I grow older I might lose some of the things I cherish so much right now. I'm always wanting to stay a kid, and not worry about responsibilities and stuff, but the other side of me constantly strives for perfection. Some used to call me a perfectionist, and I would say so myself. It really depends on what you love to do, and if you like to do that thing then by all means don't hesitate to develop the skills you dream of attaining.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Wow 250 hobbies that's wonderful but i just wonder isn't this little to much?

That was just an expression, I'm trying to focus on less than 5 hobbies at a time or else you just lose yourself ::

Nice post and replies from everyone in this thread. (and the Kung Fu Panda quote was a plus ) OP, I think I can relate to you very much, the way everything in life is an 'urge' for me now. I think you expressed everything really clearly, and the only response I have is.. same here! Haha, but really, I guess people like us who think that we have to meet a certain deadline to get things done have wild dreams. We often want the best for ourselves, and I see nothing wrong with that. It's better to have some big dream than to have no dream at all, right?

Even now, I'm still living with a constant feeling that my younger years of life were much more entertaining, and that as I grow older I might lose some of the things I cherish so much right now. I'm always wanting to stay a kid, and not worry about responsibilities and stuff, but the other side of me constantly strives for perfection. Some used to call me a perfectionist, and I would say so myself. It really depends on what you love to do, and if you like to do that thing then by all means don't hesitate to develop the skills you dream of attaining.

Thank you for your answer, this is good to know that there is other people who feel that way. Yes I do have wild dreams, this is actually the kind of dreams that people usually keep as "a dream" but for me it is a goal to achieve no matter what, because I feel this is the only way for me to be in peace with myself - so it's a lot of pressure I put on my own shoulders. I think I should take it more easy, maybe.... I don't know.

And where is that Kung Fu Panda quote???

 

[Surrogate]

That was just an expression, I'm trying to focus on less than 5 hobbies at a time or else you just lose yourself ::



Thank you for your answer, this is good to know that there is other people who feel that way. Yes I do have wild dreams, this is actually the kind of dreams that people usually keep as "a dream" but for me it is a goal to achieve no matter what, because I feel this is the only way for me to be in peace with myself - so it's a lot of pressure I put on my own shoulders. I think I should take it more easy, maybe.... I don't know.

And where is that Kung Fu Panda quote???

Haha, nevermind. I think Kung Fu Panda stole it from someone else. (Don't mind me me... I'm just a clueless teenager who watched it once and assumed the quote originated from the movie )

I was referring to

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mistery, today is a gift thats why we call it the present"..."

in Hottie's post at the top.

 

[deleted user 1]

Something I was struggling to overcome was the contrary to this. The fear of being alive and living long enough to be old! The thought of being like this for that long terrifies me more than anything. I don't feel afraid to die.

 

[DespairSoul]

That was just an expression, I'm trying to focus on less than 5 hobbies at a time or else you just lose yourself ::



Aaa sooo Just an expression well 5 is still great and a lot! Good for u. Yes i agree u would lost your self if would be to much hobbies and u will do it nothing to the end, u will just start new and new over. Is better have little less and good ones as a lot and not concentrate clearly on any of them.