VioletTears
Well-known member
I just realized that I might be about the only one here that is married?
My DH asked me out when we were 16. Learning to love and to allow myself to be loved was really hard for me and after 10 years it still is... at the same time, the idea of him leaving me has always haunted me to the point of total paranoia... He could have beat me and I would have stayed with him because anything was better than being left/not being loved.
I still have a lot of self destructive thoughts, such as, "I bet he wishes he wasn't stuck with me his whole life" or "I bet he would rather be with that girl who is prettier/more fun/etc than me" or "I am not good enough for him and he knows it and so does everyone else" et etc etc... Sometimes those thoughts can blind me to the point that I don't know if I love him or not, everything just hurts... But there are other times, even after years of being together, where I feel like my heart is going to explode just thinking about him because I love him so much. I think that for some people (like me) love is just really complicated...
I also have a lot of trouble communicating with my DH, still... I hold back a lot of my feelings from him and if he does something that upsets me I just internalize my frustration rather than saying anything to him...
My DH asked me out when we were 16. Learning to love and to allow myself to be loved was really hard for me and after 10 years it still is... at the same time, the idea of him leaving me has always haunted me to the point of total paranoia... He could have beat me and I would have stayed with him because anything was better than being left/not being loved.
I still have a lot of self destructive thoughts, such as, "I bet he wishes he wasn't stuck with me his whole life" or "I bet he would rather be with that girl who is prettier/more fun/etc than me" or "I am not good enough for him and he knows it and so does everyone else" et etc etc... Sometimes those thoughts can blind me to the point that I don't know if I love him or not, everything just hurts... But there are other times, even after years of being together, where I feel like my heart is going to explode just thinking about him because I love him so much. I think that for some people (like me) love is just really complicated...
I also have a lot of trouble communicating with my DH, still... I hold back a lot of my feelings from him and if he does something that upsets me I just internalize my frustration rather than saying anything to him...