Great difficulties with non-verbal eye contact

[cobalt_bluester]

Hello my name is Richard. I have a serious problem in making eye contact but its more than just a confidence thing. I have a problem knowing where to look when I look at a person and I am intensely aware of where I am looking - it has become unatural and I worry about this all of the time. I have fairly serious depression and am only just managing to keep my job down.

I think sometimes my gaze comes across as agressive but I don't mean it to be. I think it comes across this way because I am feeling quite stressed and intense. Can anybody give me some advice? Perhaps you have a similar condition or experience of this peculiar problem. I hope to hear from you soon if you're out there.

Best Regards
Richard

 

[dystortion_d]

hey try and tackle any depression, its that that makes it all the harder to be confidant.

 

[Lea]

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[Argamemnon]

I also don´t think shynes can be overcome by "exposure"

Exposure might not help people overcome this illness, but living in isolation is even worse, is it not?

 

[RedRibbons]

I don't know if you "furrow" your brow when you look at people.. But.. Try relaxing the muscles between your brows. I find that when I think hard, my brow furrows, and when I relax it, the thoughts dissipate.

You don't have to be looking at a person in the eyes, all the time, when you're talking to them. You can break contact and look at other things as well.

Instead of focusing on eye contact. Focus on what the person you are talking to is saying. I mean, really listen to them. Turn your mental volume down!

 

[Lea]

...........................

 

[Argamemnon]

I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.

 

[dystortion_d]

someone told me that "believe it or not, people are nowhere near as obsessed with you as they are themselves". focus on trying to get your message across, like watch sitcoms muted is what my shrink told me. you can watch how they go about it, cause once the focus is off you, you can talk to people and it's a lot funner than being alone trust me.

 

[va_boy]

Honestly, lately I've found that if you don't worry about stuff like that so much you do good with it.

 

[theman]

eye contact

It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.

Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.

So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.

Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.

 

[wooaah]

Re: eye contact

It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.

Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.

So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.

Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.

ooo i like this suggestion.

 

[scorpion]

I use to feel extremely uncomfortable looking people in the eyes, and I still do in a certain way.
But recently I have found out that loking people in the eyes makes most of them as unconfrotable as me or even more, because I know I am like that because of the APD.
So what do I do now? I look people in the eyes and try to maintain contact until the other person looks away, surprisingly I discovered that the other person often breaks contact before me and that makes me feel more secure.
Knowing that there was a reason for me to do certain things (APD) as helped me to start doing the oposite, its still small stuff but its a start.

 

[princess_haru]

I find eye contact awkward - I always feel as though I'm either staring and making people feel uncomfortable, or looking away and appearing uninterested and rude. It's so hard to find the right balance of looking at/away from people.

Also, I get paranoid about my facial expressions - am I glaring at them, smiling too much, looking snooty and bored?! I sometimes wish there was a mirror behind the person I'm talking to so that I could check how I'm coming across! Vain? No, just paranoid... :?

 

[cobalt_bluester]

I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.

Hi Argamemnon. That's exactly, exactly the way I feel about my gaze too. It's a catch 22, because I want to engage people but at the same time don't want to freak them out so I tend to avoid people's gazes but get frustrated by my inability to look at somebody in a calm, centered way.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

I find eye contact awkward - I always feel as though I'm either staring and making people feel uncomfortable, or looking away and appearing uninterested and rude. It's so hard to find the right balance of looking at/away from people.

Also, I get paranoid about my facial expressions - am I glaring at them, smiling too much, looking snooty and bored?! I sometimes wish there was a mirror behind the person I'm talking to so that I could check how I'm coming across! Vain? No, just paranoid... :?

Princess_haru - nice user name by the way! I know exactly where you are coming from. It begins to feel unatural as we over analyse where, when and how we should make eye contact - it should be spontaneous to us but alas it is not!

 

[cobalt_bluester]

I also don´t think shynes can be overcome by "exposure"

Exposure might not help people overcome this illness, but living in isolation is even worse, is it not?

Exposure certainly hasn't helped me at all. If anything, going over and over this problem has made matters worse and I just cannot escape from this way of thinking no matter how hard I try. I am a prisoner of myself.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

Re: eye contact

It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.

Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.

So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.

Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.

Hi theman. Sound like a great idea to me but it is just trying to overcome the phobia of looking into somebodys eyes that I have. I will try and give it a go, thanks for your advice.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.

Yes, I also find that is the case with me. It seems that I am glaring when in actual fact it is just the intensity inside me that is mistaken for agressiveness.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

Honestly, lately I've found that if you don't worry about stuff like that so much you do good with it.

But this is not a case of worrying, it's more like an addictive thinking pattern that is impossible (or virtually) to break. Believe me, if I could start not worrying I would!

 

[cobalt_bluester]

Re: eye contact

It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.

Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.

So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.

Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.

Hi. Sounds like excellent advice to me. Thanks very much I will try this out.