Grandmother

[Etbow23]

Today my grandma took me to get a Christmas present for my boyfriend, which was really sweet. However things turned ugly when she started talking about my sister and my ex-stepfather. I felt literally attacked. My ex stepfather was an emotionally abusive man who still talks to my grandparents and has brainwashed them. She was very angry and when I told her he was abusive, she said "he has NEVER been abusive to me" and kept pinning the blame on my mother. She disapproves of my sister because she divorced her husband and took the baby to live with another man and she kept saying "i'm very conservative and I disapprove of this". And basically comparing my sister to my mother. She said my stepfather had done so much for me and my sisters including paying for my sisters airfare to come to the US, and I said, "he also called her a whore like her mother" and my grandmother said "she deserved that" . She said that my stepfather was abusive to me because he was treated poorly by my mother.

At that point I got up and went to the bathroom I was so upset.

I don't understand why people don't understand emotional abuse. I feel like punching a wall right now. Did she knw that when I was a teenager I was sleeping in a park because I was afraid to go home when my mother wasn't home? Did she know that my stepfather has abandoned me and hasn't spoken to me in 2 years? Did she know the pain he caused me, the names he called me, the blame he placed on me for their divorce? Does she know that he was part of the reason I ran away three times as a teenager? The reason why i've had such low self-esteem, which he claimed isn't important? That he used to kick my door open, and threatened to rape me once?

I'm so angry and feel so alone right now. I don't know what to do. I'm appreciative she bought a present for my boyfriend and bought some lunch, but this is ridiculous. I want to run away from these people and never come back.

I'm having so much anxiety right now. i don't know what to do.

 

[emre43]

Did you tell your grandmother any of those things? You should have told her those things and I'm sure she would have understood. You shouldn't feel ashamed of any of them, you haven't done anything wrong it is your stepfather who has caused all this pain to you. I understand that it is probably difficult for you to do but maybe try and tell your gran.

 

[Etbow23]

Did you tell your grandmother any of those things? You should have told her those things and I'm sure she would have understood. You shouldn't feel ashamed of any of them, you haven't done anything wrong it is your stepfather who has caused all this pain to you. I understand that it is probably difficult for you to do but maybe try and tell your gran.

yes i told her and she said that he never was, it was my mother's fault and that my stepfather is nice to them etc

she wont listen thats y im frustrated

she is very conservative and usually sides w men

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

People have a hard time understanding abuse...Accepting and seeing the abuse would mean the person would be confronted with all sorts of uncomfortable realizations, so they rather justify it to protect their relationship with the abuser. It is incredibly frustrating to have someone brush off the abuse you endured as if it were nothing or to say it was "deserved." It is a slap on the face and abuse in itself. Some people will see what they want to see, and your grandmother sounds like one of those people who won't change her mind. If it is any comfort, you are not alone.

 

[Silatuyok]

My family doesn't understand abuse either. They blame my sister and look down on her for staying in an abusive marriage for many years, even though she felt like she had nowhere else to go. I try to stick up for her because I've been through an abusive relationship myself, but they don't even try to understand. Many people can't seem to understand something unless they have experienced it first-hand.

 

[MikeyC]

Did she knw that when I was a teenager I was sleeping in a park because I was afraid to go home when my mother wasn't home? Did she know that my stepfather has abandoned me and hasn't spoken to me in 2 years? Did she know the pain he caused me, the names he called me, the blame he placed on me for their divorce? Does she know that he was part of the reason I ran away three times as a teenager? The reason why i've had such low self-esteem, which he claimed isn't important? That he used to kick my door open, and threatened to rape me once?

I get the feeling that she will not believe any of this, even if you told her that. She sounds incredibly old-fashioned and seems to think he's an absolute angel who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I would certainly be telling another family member - one you know you can trust - about all this. Maybe then they can confront your grandmother and tell her that he is not the sweet guy she seems to believe.

 

[Etbow23]

People have a hard time understanding abuse...Accepting and seeing the abuse would mean the person would be confronted with all sorts of uncomfortable realizations, so they rather justify it to protect their relationship with the abuser. It is incredibly frustrating to have someone brush off the abuse you endured as if it were nothing or to say it was "deserved." It is a slap on the face and abuse in itself. Some people will see what they want to see, and your grandmother sounds like one of those people who won't change her mind. If it is any comfort, you are not alone.

You're right--not only that, but emotional abuse is harder to justify than phy/sex abuse. Although he did physically abuse my mother once and threatened it to me, he was primarily emotionally abusive. Most people, esp. old-fashioned people, don't understand it. Thank you for the support.

My family doesn't understand abuse either. They blame my sister and look down on her for staying in an abusive marriage for many years, even though she felt like she had nowhere else to go. I try to stick up for her because I've been through an abusive relationship myself, but they don't even try to understand. Many people can't seem to understand something unless they have experienced it first-hand.

I'm sorry about your sister :-(. This isn't the first time I've heard of a situation like your sister's--people have a tendency to blame the victim. I guess I'll never get understanding from my grandmother, but I'd at least appreciate it if she would listen to me without saying everything i experienced didn't happen and that i'm deserved of that treatment. It's so frustrating when someone won't let you even finish your sentence and just denies everything you say.

I get the feeling that she will not believe any of this, even if you told her that. She sounds incredibly old-fashioned and seems to think he's an absolute angel who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I would certainly be telling another family member - one you know you can trust - about all this. Maybe then they can confront your grandmother and tell her that he is not the sweet guy she seems to believe.

You're exactly right; she is VERY old-fashioned. I mean, she is 81 years old, so she grew up in a different generation, but I am getting sick of her negativity and her sexism. I can talk to my mother--I did today--but my mother has experienced the same hostility from my grandmother and I doubt she'll get anywhere with my grandmother. I don't know of any other family member I'd feel comfortable talking with. It's a good suggestion but I don't know who to turn to in my family. My grandmother is incredibly thick-headed, and quite honestly, a very negative individual. I appreciate what she does for me, but sometimes I worry about spending time with her because of this....which was amplified in today's experience.

Thanks for your guys support. This was very difficult for me today, because it brought back all the memories of that...man...and basically made it seem like nothing because of what she said. It made me feel so awful.

 

[MikeyC]

emotional abuse is harder to justify than phy/sex abuse.

Someone I've been chatting to over the last couple of years online once told me she was raped. However, she said that the abuse she was getting from her boyfriend was worse because it was from someone she loved and not from some random guy who couldn't care less about her.

While she's a well-adjusted individual now, emotional abuse sticks with you long after the physical/sexual abuse has healed, as you have pointed out from your grandmother.

You're exactly right; she is VERY old-fashioned. I mean, she is 81 years old, so she grew up in a different generation, but I am getting sick of her negativity and her sexism. I can talk to my mother--I did today--but my mother has experienced the same hostility from my grandmother and I doubt she'll get anywhere with my grandmother. I don't know of any other family member I'd feel comfortable talking with. It's a good suggestion but I don't know who to turn to in my family. My grandmother is incredibly thick-headed, and quite honestly, a very negative individual. I appreciate what she does for me, but sometimes I worry about spending time with her because of this....which was amplified in today's experience.

It might be sad, but maybe you have to stop spending time with her if she an all-round negative person. I know I would hesitate to willingly spend time with her if she's going to berate me for abuse that was out of my control.

 

[Mr.Prez]

I think it's because you can't see scars or blood from emotional abuse, but it's abuse all the same. It hurts just as much. You don't deserve to hear that from your grandmother that was uncalled for . I don't know if you believe this or not, but I think it's important that you know that it's not your fault that your grandmother is so mean to you. My mom is the same way; I hate people that say things without knowing how it makes other people feel and when you tell them how it does make you feel they don't listen or care . I hope you're ok.

 

[Etbow23]

It might be sad, but maybe you have to stop spending time with her if she an all-round negative person. I know I would hesitate to willingly spend time with her if she's going to berate me for abuse that was out of my control.

Youre right...I'm wondering whether I should go to the Christmas party this year. I have decided though that if they continue talking to my ex stepfather...and don't stop, I'm going to end contact with them

I think it's because you can't see scars or blood from emotional abuse, but it's abuse all the same. It hurts just as much. You don't deserve to hear that from your grandmother that was uncalled for . I don't know if you believe this or not, but I think it's important that you know that it's not your fault that your grandmother is so mean to you. My mom is the same way; I hate people that say things without knowing how it makes other people feel and when you tell them how it does make you feel they don't listen or care . I hope you're ok.

It's very true about not being about to see it..on top of that she's a close minded person. thanks i'm feeling better but still upset about the situation

 

[MikeyC]

Youre right...I'm wondering whether I should go to the Christmas party this year. I have decided though that if they continue talking to my ex stepfather...and don't stop, I'm going to end contact with them

I hope that you don't have to cease all contact, but if she's constantly being negative towards you, what choices do you have? ::

 

[awkwardamanda]

Many people can't seem to understand something unless they have experienced it first-hand.

And many people who have experienced it still don't really see what's going on.

 

[Falkor]

Why wouldn't your grandmother be there for your mother? It's pretty weird that she's still so caring to that Stepfather. He seems like devil. I'm sorry but that's the word. Back off that man, no emotional abuse ! That's terrible.

I'm sorry that you went through this all, it's horrible!!! I know.
I've been emotional abused by a teacher and sexual abused by a man.
Not family though.... And your stepfather isn't real family too.

If your grandmother keeps saying such things, I would say you must stop defending yourself and just say, Whatever. Our bond is what count. If you ever want stepfather to come 'round, I'm not in town. I just want us to be good family, grandma to grand child, and not the people between us.

"I can't help it, what happened...We're just a part of the happening but we're both on another line watching it and be a sufferer (like you) or just the watcher in the distance." it's what my grandma and I always say.
My parents have some relationship issues and we see it happening, it's not emotional abuse though, but still it's so stressful that I cannot handle it to be there and like you,

I run away from home.

[Still there is a chance that It will totally go around and that the luck will come back, i reallllly hope so... :/ my parents are in a bad state.
I hope my mom and dad both will be happy and not depressed anymore... i know it takes time, i hate time i want to enjoy time with them-_-]

 

[Etbow23]

I hope that you don't have to cease all contact, but if she's constantly being negative towards you, what choices do you have? ::

I know it's painful to cease all contact, but I've decided to write a letter to her and my grandfather about the truth and give them ultimatum: him or me. My grandma was saying mean things yesterday, including that my biological father "never wanted me". This has gone on too long, and is affecting my health. It needs to stop.

Why wouldn't your grandmother be there for your mother? It's pretty weird that she's still so caring to that Stepfather. He seems like devil. I'm sorry but that's the word. Back off that man, no emotional abuse ! That's terrible.

I'm sorry that you went through this all, it's horrible!!! I know.
I've been emotional abused by a teacher and sexual abused by a man.
Not family though.... And your stepfather isn't real family too.

If your grandmother keeps saying such things, I would say you must stop defending yourself and just say, Whatever. Our bond is what count. If you ever want stepfather to come 'round, I'm not in town. I just want us to be good family, grandma to grand child, and not the people between us.

"I can't help it, what happened...We're just a part of the happening but we're both on another line watching it and be a sufferer (like you) or just the watcher in the distance." it's what my grandma and I always say.
My parents have some relationship issues and we see it happening, it's not emotional abuse though, but still it's so stressful that I cannot handle it to be there and like you,

I run away from home.

[Still there is a chance that It will totally go around and that the luck will come back, i reallllly hope so... :/ my parents are in a bad state.
I hope my mom and dad both will be happy and not depressed anymore... i know it takes time, i hate time i want to enjoy time with them-_-]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you

Unfortunately I feel that if I stay in contact with her while she is still talking to this man, I will only be hurt. I started writing a letter, it's pretty long, but I think it's necessary to tell her and my grandpa what's up. And they can take it or leave it.

 

[MikeyC]

I've been emotional abused by a teacher and sexual abused by a man.

Not enough sad faces.... ::

I know it's painful to cease all contact, but I've decided to write a letter to her and my grandfather about the truth and give them ultimatum: him or me. My grandma was saying mean things yesterday, including that my biological father "never wanted me". This has gone on too long, and is affecting my health. It needs to stop.

An ultimatum is a good idea. It'll show them that you're serious. It does need to stop, one way or another. You shouldn't have to put up with that garbage.

 

[Etbow23]

Not enough sad faces.... ::


An ultimatum is a good idea. It'll show them that you're serious. It does need to stop, one way or another. You shouldn't have to put up with that garbage.

Thank you MikeyC, you always have nice encouragements for people

 

[MikeyC]

Thank you MikeyC, you always have nice encouragements for people

You're very welcome.