Good luck reading this entire thing...

[MaliceInWickedland]

…Well, as I’m sure you can all see, this is one of, if not THE longest post of mine yet and it will most definitely have to be separated into two posts (if not more, depending on how enlightened I’m feeling by the end of this.) If you’re willing to even take a second glance at this notoriously long and ball-scrunching thread of mine then all the power to you. If not, I don’t blame you in the slightest degree. I think I’ve done my fair share of warning you all so carry on if you dare….

So I’ve been MIA for a while now and in that time I've gone through quite a lot of changes in both my emotions and my outlook on this crazy roller coaster called Life. I feel like a completely different person – in both good and bad ways. The random but intense episodes of depression and overwhelming feelings of loneliness I’ve been experiencing for the past month or so just keep coming back and they feel worse every time they strike.

I know, I know… I should be the happiest person in the world right now having moved into a brand new beautiful home in a lovely neighborhood with neighbors who are decent hard-working people and not *ahem* obnoxious crack heads who spewed forth children with stalker tendencies. I don’t understand it myself. The last time I went through such intense onsets of emotion was back when I was an even more pathetic suicidal 13 year old emotional typhoon. It feels like the past is coming back to haunt me and take over my life in a mass hysteria of emotion that’s going to keep coming back until I finally give in to it and end up in a psychiatric ward, which I feel like I’ll be heading to sometime in the near future at this rate.

The only explanation I can come up for my depression is all the crap that’s been going on in the family and my life in general, although I’ve been depressed a short while prior to these things happening so I’m still not too sure. Either way I’m going to take the next... well, Lord knows how long… to vent what’s been happening so feel free to skip through these most cringe-worthy paragraphs of all-out emotional rambling.

So for starters, I imagine you’ve all (or at least those of you kind souls generous enough to bother reading any of my ridiculous posts here on SPW) seen me rant about what a backstabbing brown-nosed wretched waste of human flesh my godmother is. As if having her as a part of my family wasn’t bad enough, her bona fide lowlife of a son was released from jail a few weeks ago. He’s been in jail since before I was born. From what I was told he was a part of a gang and apparently he and some of his buddies owed this rich drug lord some money and they never managed to make enough money to pay the guy back so they all plotted a murder against him (my godmother’s son being one of the masterminds) and his buddies went out, shot the guy to death in his own home, stole millions, dismembered the body and scattered it, and it took about a year before the authorities solved the crime and booked my godmother’s son and his buddies.

Sounds like something out of a movie right? It gets more interesting though. When we went to my great aunt’s on Thanksgiving, my ever-so wonderful Godmother, who took the liberty of ruining our very much anticipated Thanksgiving through her typically bitchy antics, announced that she and her family found a new home. Where of all places you may ask? None other than the same city we just moved into, as luck would have it…

She lives on the opposite side, but regardless that news was dreadful for me and my mom because 1. My godmother is, and I shall gladly say this again, a backstabbing brown-nosed wretched waste of human flesh and 2. Her lowlife son that just got released from jail for plotting a murder is more than likely living with her and if and when my godmother tells him about how me and my mom haven’t been getting along with her he’ll probably want to do something to us, being a psycho murderer and all and having a leech for a mother who would love nothing more than to get back at my mother and I after all of our misadventures together.

See where I’m going with all of this? And believe it or not, the story prevails into further misery and emotional anguish from there…

My mother, deeply troubled and fearing the worst for our lives, grabbed my phone out of my hand while I was texting a close friend of mine and deleted almost all of my contacts. She made me swear not to ever give out our new address to anyone, not even my closest most trustworthy friends, and won’t let me leave the house at all unless I’m with her, and in the event that we run into my godmother while out on the weekends my mother will find a way to make us move elsewhere, possibly out of state, and completely change our identities. Naturally, people would say my mom is just being hysterical and saying things she doesn’t mean but knowing her, she’s definitely not f****** around with this. I can vouch for that.

I know this all sounds very far-fetched and I understand if you guys don’t believe a word of it. I can’t even put into words how much all of this is tearing me apart from the inside out. I’m home alone almost all day with no one to keep me company besides Gizmo until my mom gets home from work around 5 or 6. I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends and those whose contacts I still have on my phone are either too busy with college to hang out with me or moved out of state. My neighbors are all very nice people and we finally met the cute couple that lives right across from us last weekend, but I can’t talk to them if I’m stuck inside the house and can’t go outside without my mom around.

I literally have no one. It’s just me, my mom, and a schizo long-haired Chihuahua.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

I find it kind of ironic actually. All these years that I’ve been dealing with social phobia have made me hate the general population of humanity enough to avoid them like the plague, and now when I need human contact the most I can’t obtain it and it’s driving me insane.

Before I used to watch those post-apocalyptic movies like I Am Legend where the main character becomes disillusioned from lack of human contact and would think “How can anyone go insane from not having human contact? I would be the happiest person ever if I was the last person on earth!” Boy am I eating those words like an early afternoon buffet right now…

I’m alone and I hate it. You hear that world?! I’m a complete hypocrite who went from hating people to needing them like the last meal on earth. Aint that something??

I can honestly and most definitely say that this is karma giving me a swift kick in the ass for all the self-inflicted hatred I’ve had for people or God saying “WAKE UP YOU FOOL! I PUT OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH BESIDES YOU FOR A REASON!” I’ve been selfish. I’ve been a hypocrite. I’ve been blind to what was in front of me all this time. I’ve been a complete fool and this is my punishment.

What I at least learned, or what I feel that I’ve learned from all of this: We can’t live in fear of what we need the most. You need people in your life. You can spend years on end telling yourself that you don’t need people, that you’re better off without anyone and that you are all you need but either way that day, that minute, that second, that moment will come when you will repeatedly smack yourself in the face and realize that you need human contact no matter how capable you are of taking care of yourself or how much you feel that you're better off on your own. You need someone there to open your heart and your life to whether it be a friend, a significant other, or even a complete stranger.

Life is hard. It’s even harder when you have social phobia. I will never deny that no matter what befalls me in life. We can’t live life in fear like this forever though. Living life in fear, especially in fear of what makes up 90% of the planet (besides water of course : is not living life at all. It took me almost 6 years and all of this emotional crap to open my eyes to that and I certainly don’t hope something to this extent is what opens you guys’ eyes, but what I can say for certain is this: there is a way out of this. There is no easy way, but it is there.

We spend more time thinking about what people think of us and how they will perceive us in the future but you know what: other people, even the “socialites” worry about what others think about them too. Everyone has their insecurities. You can’t use “Social Anxiety Disorder” or “Agoraphobia” and whatever other labels are wrongfully given to those of us who only want to be accepted for who they are just to feel like you have a reason or some kind of underlying liability to be afraid of people.

Yeah people are a******s. There are good people out there too though. A lot more than you can imagine. You just gotta be patient and look. You can’t expect to do something and get satisfying results just like that, and that’s humanity’s biggest flaw: We play God too often. We try too hard to fly when we don’t have any wings. These things take time, just like it took me 6 years to get my head out of my ass.

I’m not trying to be Gandhi or anyone of the like, preaching you the “way into the light” or whatnot. I’m just telling you guys what I realized and what I think are some measures to overcoming anxiety, one of those measures being acceptance. We’re all different. No one is perfect. The key is to stop trying to be perfect for others to accept you. People should accept you for the way you are and if they don’t then SCREW THEM. That’s their fault. Not yours. Bottom line is: not everyone will accept you, and that’s why you have to entrust the task of acceptance to yourself.

…

Whew… I can’t believe I wrote so much. I don’t even remember half of what I wrote. I completely lost track of myself. I’m sorry for these dreadfully long posts of mine. It’s been quite a while since I got to spill my feelings without holding back and I’m obviously not good at simplifying those feelings.

But anyway....... I think I’ve said more than enough so I’m just going to shut up now, get some sleep, and wish you all a good day and thank you for even bothering to read any of this up to this point.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

...You've grown. You're growing and learning new things. It may not be in the form you desire, but you're learning.

I really don't know what to say about the psycho son, except stay away, no matter what the cost. It's finally time to put those self-defense skills of yours to the test, because (and I'm not saying this just to be scary), if he gets his hands on you, your future may get shut off. Permanently. We both know this, so get prepared. Memorize your area and learn how to fight. All those lessons we were taught as little kids about strangers and safety? Well, amplify those lessons and make them more widespread. Make sure you put the police on speedial. I'm so scared for you right now, but a good plan should be able to knock this problem down. Good luck and be safe. Hopefully, jail changed him and we're all fretting over nothing.

As for friends, well, try making friends on the Internet. Try Skype or get a Facebook or Twitter page and look for your friends there. You've got us, so you're not as alone as you think you are. And don't worry about expressing your thoughts on here. You can't keep them bottled up, so let them free on here. We don't mind it, really. Good night, you've earned this.

 

[this_portrait]

That is some real scary sh*t. Like DeadmanWalking said, utilize any self-defense skills you have, be cautious, and stay as safe as you possibly can.

You're not the only one who has realized how important it is to have other people in your life. After going through some hard times myself, I've come to realize that, too.

 

[Goblinko]

Woah. :O

That's such an... an amazing post. I've even quoted a part of It in my sig.

And yeah, sometimes we must take care with what we wish for our lives.
I'll take this words to heart. No joke, buddy.

(And I hope someday I find myself courageous enough to have true friends in RL.)

 

[Phoenixx]

Wow. I've been wondering what happened to you, Malice. Sorry to hear what you and your mom are going through right now. That's really scary. I can't imagine how frightened your mother must be, but does she really have to shut you in completely like that? Can't you go out of the house at all, to a certain boundary at least? I think you should talk with her, work something out between the two of you. Also work out some sort of plan/preparation of defense in case something ever does happen.

Be careful. Hope you and your mom stay safe. It would be awful for you two to have to move again.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me on here. If you have MSN and would like to talk on there, feel free to PM me and I'll give you my username.