Gateway To Rawz's Mind

MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
If you're still going to therapy, I suggest you stick to it. Speaking with someone about what's going through your mind, and letting them help you, is a great starting point to really unburden yourself of your thoughts and problems.

You were feeling really good once before - I remember it quite well. What made you get to that point? Can you get there again?
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
You were feeling really good once before - I remember it quite well. What made you get to that point?
Click to expand...

I'm not sure what was the main thing that did it. I worked on my thoughts and beliefs, which I am doing now. I watched strengthcamp/elliothulse videos and motivating movie clips and that helped. I'm still doing that though. I wrote everyday. I'm still writing. I wasn't going to therapy. I am now.

I know that, for whatever reason, adjusting the dosage of Lexapro always helped. I would stay on a dosage of 5mg for more than a month, then start taking 2.5mg. After 1-2 weeks I would have a period of about 2 weeks where I would feel better. But once that 2 weeks was up, I would start feeling worse, due to being on a lower dose. It seems that, I would have almost no side effects during that 2 weeks, along with having the medicine working. This isn't a long term solution.

I was also supplementing a lot of vitamin d, which helped, but it wasn't anything major.

I did believe that I had finally found the solution. That I had finally fixed myself. That it was the vitamin D. But I didn't stop believing this until sometime after I started feeling bad. I know that for a fact.

There was one more thing that I think had an effect that I have never talked about with anyone. I don't want to post about it here...at least not yet. But it's not something I can repeat right now.

MikeyC said:
Can you get there again?
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That's the million dollar question. I think I can. BUT. I only did really good for 20 days. I don't know if I will ever do that well for any really significant amount of time. Like 3+ months. I would need to do that well for probably at least 3 months to really accomplish anything.
 
Pacific_Loner

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
^This is the best idea ever

Now here's my annoying post of the day and poor you, it happens to be in your journal.

I think that:

Meds make you feel disconnected

Lack of physical activity makes you feel weak

Bad diet makes you feel tired

Ok I'm out of here :p
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Pacific_Loner said:
^This is the best idea ever
Click to expand...

It's also the hardest thing for me to do. I can limit my junk food intake, I can limit my sugar intake, I can keep from drinking soft drinks for a few months...but cutting all of it out forever (other than maybe a few cheat days every few months or so)? That's proving to be really hard. Between growing up eating as much junk food as I want and feeling better when eating junk food (mentally/emotionally)...blah.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

My dreams have been feeling very real lately. I it's not really the dreams that have changed though, it's the waking that has changed. Life doesn't feel any more real than a dream. The "realness" of reality seems to be disappearing. Does this mean I'm insane? Do I have worse mental problems that are now resurfacing? Do I have some other disease? Am I dieing? I can't make any sense of life or myself anymore. What is happening?

I don't want to ever take antipsychotics. They seem to be really bad for your health.
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
I'm sick of living 12 miles away from the nearest small town and 30 miles away from the nearest large town/city. I'm sick of being so isolated. I'm sick being alone and being so lonely. I'm sick of being so engaged by all of my mental problems--my fear, my worry, my frustrations, etc--that I can't function well enough to accomplish anything. To even make one friend.

I'm sick of not having any place where I can let loose. I feel like no matter where I am, I have to hold everything in--I can't yell, I can't complain about my problems or life, I can't swear, I can't let out any anger or frustration, I have to be calm and nice. I have no place where I can make noise without disturbing anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I am burning up inside.

I feel trapped. Completely trapped. I can't seem to get another job. I can't handle working well enough to work full time (physically and mentally). I can't make more per hour at my current job. I don't have any money saved up.

My parents really want me to get another job (and preferably one that pays more) and that I work full time. I've applied to a lot of places online over the years, and quite a few multiple times, but I get nothing. Out of all the times I've applied over the years, I only got a response two times. And neither time did I get an interview. Living so far away from other towns/cities makes applying in person a little tricky.

I don't know. I've just failed big time.

It seems that the problems I have now that are holding me back (poor memory, poor learning, poor concentration) I have always had to some extent. I don't think I learned things well when I was young, or I forgot things easily, or I just wasn't taught well. From what I do remember, my parents didn't seem to teach me much or very well. And it was the worst from about 10 years old until...maybe 17.

And I didn't do a good job of teaching myself either. I tried. Once I got internet in my room I was able to get some exposure to the world, other people, other ideas, etc. The older I have gotten, the more effort I have put in. But sometimes it feels like I am way too late.

Even though I never want to...I'll admit it...I've wasted a lot of money. I've spent a lot on junk food...because growing up I was allowed to eat as much as I wanted without being taught any moderation, and because it makes me feel better.

I don't know...I'm just sick of my situation. I'm sick of being here. I need to leave my home. It's a toxic environment for me. It's suffocating me. I need to be someplace else. Someplace freer. Someplace where I at least have plenty of easy opportunities to interact with other people my age.

I just don't know how to leave. Obviously I am very afraid of leaving. Especially without money or with only a small amount. But people do it. I need something else. I hate this.
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
I believe that there are some things about myself that I will never be able to share with anyone, no matter who they are. I believe that if I do, I will lose them as friends or whatever.

I have posted quite a lot about myself online. On here, and with other online acquaintances/friends I have had. I've also shared quite a bit with my therapist. But still, there are some things that, even though they aren't illegal or the worst things possible, I still don't believe I can share them with anyone.




Whenever my therapist asks my if I've had suicidal thoughts (it's something she's required to do each session), I always say no... but that's not always the truth. I told her I've never attempted suicide... that's not true either.

Sometimes I just think....if I can't fix myself...if this is all I can offer the world and my family and friends.... what's the point? I don't believe living this way for the rest of my life is a life worth living. I want so badly to be as smart, strong, healthy, productive as I can. I want to be really good at as many different things as I can. I want to be able to bring all the great ideas I have in my mind into the world. I don't want to be limited.
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
I can't fix myself. I've tried...but I can't. Drugs can't fix me. Therapy can't fix me. I guess I am broken beyond repair.

What is there left to do? Well...
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
That's it. I'm doing it. I don't give a damn how I feel tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. I don't give a damn what might body tells me. I changing.
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Why am I so screwed up? Why am I so weak? Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I be a better person?
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Why does reality hurt so much? Why do I react to it the way I do?


I just wish the pain would go away...
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
I can't fix myself. I can't fix my situation. I can't even leave. I'm paralyzed. I can't do anything. I desperately need someone to physically come and take me away from this place. To take me somewhere else. But I do not know anyone that will.

I'm not going to get better here. Everything keeps getting worse. I feel like I am going to die here.

I feel completely alone. Trapped. Like I've been abandoned somewhere and left to die.

I don't know who to talk to, who to call, what to do. I've thought about calling a suicide hotline, but what good will that do? Words will do nothing for me at this point. I need action. I need help. Not mental hospital kind, but something else.

Sometimes I feel as if I am the only thing that exits. Everything else is just part of my imaingation or a dream, no more real than someone in a video game.

It's not that I am insane. It's just that I get such terrible sleep and am sleep deprived all the time and am so isolated from the world, and keep playing video games and watching movies to escape the pain. They are the only things I have to escape the pain.

Maybe this is how it all ends...
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Feeling as bad. Or worse. When I was a kid, I never thought this is what my existence would become. What went wrong?
 
R

Rawz

Well-known member
Well, it's that time of year again. I'm determined to repeat last year. I mean, why not? If I can't make change last, I'll still take what I can get. Maybe this time it will be better. I'll do what I can.

I have a part of me that hates the rest of me. That believes I am a terrible person. That believes I deserve misery and suffering. That believes I deserve nothing good. That reminds me of this as often as it can.

I've found that it fights back at me. When I try to make positive changes to myself, when I try to live better, it starts fighting back. It makes me feel bad about positive things and feel like I shouldn't be happy about good changes I've made. When I try to change negative thoughts about things, it tries to overtake those positive thoughts and bring back the negative ones. The harder I work on improving myself, the harder it fights back. Like all living things, it is most concerned with survival. It wants to live. I want it to die.

I want to kill it violently with my hands. It's been a part of me for so many years and I'm sick of it. It must die.

I must change permanently.
 
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