future plans

I'll turn 35 next week. I've never had a bf, cuz of social phobia. I've only had a few friends in the past and I currently don't have any friends. So my life has always been lonely and isolated. Most ppl think I'm weird and I am, cuz of being alone for such a long time. I did go to places in the weekends, but since Corona I spend most weekends at home. Since almost 2 years ago, I found a new job. Not much later, a colleague started to have a crush on me. Back then I had a crush on another colleague, but that colleague was 0 interested in me. The colleague who had a crush on me wanted to hang out with me and sometimes I dropped by and sometimes he went to my place. We watched Netflix together and had dinner together and so on. He's very caring, friendly, hilarious and smart. He's a real gentleman. I've always said that he can be the perfect friend. He and another guy at work are the only ones who talk to me a lot at work. Other colleagues never put any effort in it to get to know me. I have no charisma. Most people don't even look at me. Around a month ago, I suddenly started to have feelings for the colleague who had a crush on me, but isn't that weird and a little late, cuz I know him for almost 2 years now? I told him about this and he said: 'Well, I don't know right now if I still want anything with you, cuz I've been trying for 2 years to be in a relationship with you, but you always took some distance and I've noticed that you have things in common with my ex girlfriend. She was suicidal and only had problems. With you it's different, but sometimes you do have similar behaviour and that's what I really don't want anymore. You know that I care about you a lot, but there's more to it in a relationship. For now we'll just see how things will go.' I have my doubts about this, cuz to me this already sounds like a no. Since September 2020 we started to see each other almost every weekend, but in the past weeks he just wants to spend the weekends alone, cuz he's too 'busy' with chores, gaming and he needs more rest, cuz of his nightshifts and working overtime. Now I sort of feel guilty that I didn't have feelings for him earlier. I called him today and asked him what exactly it is that he doesn't like about me. I asked him if it's my odd behaviour or is my quirkiness annoying? Is it cuz I repeat sometimes what I already said before? Or is it that something is missing between him and me? He told me a few things, such as: 'I know that you wanna move to a city so badly, cuz you've never felt home in your hometown. You've had harassments from shitty people in your neighbourhood and you wanna move far away from your strict parents, but if a girl doesn't have feelings for me or if I'm not sure if I want a relationship with her, then why should I move the whole way with her to a city?' I completely understand this. He's okay with living in a village. He's very social and can adapt very easily. Plus he just wants to live close to work. But I feel that I belong to the cities. I've already wanted to move to a city years ago. It's just that housing is very difficult. He said: For now we don't have to change anything about our situation. We can still keep on seeing each other in the weekends if you want and we'll see what will happen in the future. I'm fine with that, but at the same time I have the feeling that everything is too late for him and that he just wants to move on in the meantime. Sometimes he doesn't respond to some of my WhatsApp messages anymore. It's like he's just not interested in what I say anymore. I don't know what to do. I wanna follow my dreams by moving to a city, but at the same time I don't wanna lose him. I don't think I will ever find another him. Is there any advice that you can give me?
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I told him about this and he said: 'Well, I don't know right now if I still want anything with you, cuz I've been trying for 2 years to be in a relationship with you, but you always took some distance and I've noticed that you have things in common with my ex girlfriend. She was suicidal and only had problems. With you it's different, but sometimes you do have similar behaviour and that's what I really don't want anymore. You know that I care about you a lot, but there's more to it in a relationship. For now we'll just see how things will go.'
Sometimes he doesn't respond to some of my WhatsApp messages anymore. It's like he's just not interested in what I say anymore. I don't know what to do. I wanna follow my dreams by moving to a city, but at the same time I don't wanna lose him. I don't think I will ever find another him. Is there any advice that you can give me?
Follow your dreams. Move to the city you want to move to and move on. With what you stated above, even he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. To put it bluntly, there is no point in waiting on someone who may or may not stick around. (And it even sounds like this is his perspective too towards you -- with you wanting to move, but him being seemingly content where he is.) I would hate for you to toss everything aside to pursue a relationship that *may* happen. Even if it does happen, how would the relationship go? Would you both truly be happy? Or would you both be miserable because you both gave up things you wanted in order to just have each other's company? IMO if you both truly wanted to be together, you'd find a way to make it work even with you moving. Long distance relationships can be hard, but they can work if the effort is there and both are 100% on board with making it work.
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
I think maybe you're just missing the way he cared about you.

If you didnt like the cut of his jib for two years, then you probably still don't. Life isn't a romantic comedy, there's a reason it didn't happen when he was into you.

I think you should move-on, for both your sakes.
 
I'll turn 35 next week. I've never had a bf, cuz of social phobia. I've only had a few friends in the past and I currently don't have any friends. So my life has always been lonely and isolated. Most ppl think I'm weird and I am, cuz of being alone for such a long time. I did go to places in the weekends, but since Corona I spend most weekends at home.
Never lose hope, things happen in unpredictable ways at unexpected places. It took me and my girlfriend more than 26 years to experience our first ever relationship. We might feel rushed by social norms, but there are in fact no absolute rules.

I relate to your situation, my isolation and social awkward came as a hurdle to most of my relationship prospects. What matters most is to remain true to yourself, true love is about accepting each other's imperfections, one can't have a lasting relationship by pretending to be someone they're not.
Back then I had a crush on another colleague, but that colleague was 0 interested in me. The colleague who had a crush on me wanted to hang out with me and sometimes I dropped by and sometimes he went to my place. Around a month ago, I suddenly started to have feelings for the colleague who had a crush on me, but isn't that weird and a little late, cuz I know him for almost 2 years now? I told him about this and he said: 'Well, I don't know right now if I still want anything with you, cuz I've been trying for 2 years to be in a relationship with you, but you always took some distance and I've noticed that you have things in common with my ex girlfriend. She was suicidal and only had problems. With you it's different, but sometimes you do have similar behaviour and that's what I really don't want anymore. You know that I care about you a lot, but there's more to it in a relationship. For now we'll just see how things will go.' I have my doubts about this, cuz to me this already sounds like a no.

Emotions can neither be calculated nor foreseen, don't regret anything.

You are who are you. Taking that chance with him 2 years ago wouldn't have prevented him from ultimately realising the similarities between you and his ex-girlfriend, it might have led to a breakup; this would've been more painful than not starting anything in the first place. This might have ruined your first experience and left you with a bad aftertaste about relationships.

I wanna follow my dreams by moving to a city, but at the same time I don't wanna lose him. I don't think I will ever find another him. Is there any advice that you can give me?

Long-distance relationships can be a viable option if one isn't sure yet about wanting to move in with the other one. I've been in such a relationship for more than 2 years now, it has its pros and cons depending on how far you live from one another, we personally live more than 2000km away from each other. The big pro of it is to really savour the time you spend together when visiting the other person.

It is only recently that we considered moving in together, you don't want to rush things.

If you really want to have him in your life then my suggestion is the following:

Don't let practical reasons come in between you, with a long-term relationship you can both have him and live in a big city, I'm sure you'll figure out a more permanent solution in the meantime, strong relationships require time.
 
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