From an ignoring husband to an abuser lover

Hi there.
I would like to share my story since i didn't find any comments for the case like mine.
I came to one european country marrying my actual husband. The relation started by being charmed by his personal qualities and falling in love. I left my starting career as a doctor and found myself in a new country. Struggling for few years to get my diplomas validated, i changed several times the city where i live. My husband changed during those years from a loving caring man to a personal couch, constantly giving me advices and pushing to get any job. He was disappointed in my long journey to my high goals and stopped loving me. We fight more and more untill i found a program in hours of driving from his place and moved for one year. I met a charming young man, who seemed to be a soulmate, a rare diamond and i let myself in this affair. Loosing my mind and seriously thinking of divorce. I lived with this guy few month and he end up beating me and abusing verbally. I end up with destroying wo relations and feeling scared. Today i know that i will survive, i will one day meet a rught guy. But i question myself why i choose wrong men for me. My husband is nothing about the image of a perfect guy, and sexually we are not fit at all. He changed and became totally absent to me. He doesn't know that i cheated, but he never really cared about it. I feel like he knew i won't bring money in couple soon and now i'm a load on his shoulder. The other guy wanted to marry, insisted on divorce, was showing all classical signs of an abuser. Extreme jealousy, issues about my friends, dressing, criticising my family and my husband's family (they don't care about you), lots of promises, lots of small lies, secret friendships. I couldn't complain, cause the only response was get "divorced and we talk". His family is not aware of the fact we lived together, he is from middle east and he said they won't understand. I left because he left bruishes on my arms after a fight (i attacked him cause he was insulting me verbally), he pushed me rudely in the street in public thinking i'm drunk after the bar and can't remember. His mother is treated for bipolar disease and he lived through war. His family had poverty times and he is full of insecurities today. I realise that i should not be back, he won't change. But my instable situation with husband, danger of divorce and staying in a country with no job, money and papers (i totally depend on my marriage status to be legal) is making me very anxious and i shake. Sexually my lover was nothing to compare with husband, and it's a huge issue also. My husband is a drinker and beer changed his libido...I am in my husband's place and he treats me like a temporary guest. It is humiliating, but i know i destroyed things myself. I try to stay strong, i write an article to publish, i do daily sport, and i search for a job. I should add that i was falling in depression with my lover , sleeping too much and not motivated for anything. It's been a week i'm far from him, energy is back. I am writing here just to put this out, cause i can't keep it more. I will read all the comments, and i will try to see how my situation looks from outside of my mind. Is it just about wrong men? My low self-esteem? Loneliness? Adaptation stress? New country? Thank you, if you could read it through. Thank you.


Well-known member
Sounds like you have a lot of heavy stuff going on.

Can you talk to a counselor in your area who can maybe shed some light on your situation?

Do you have Social Anxiety? I wasn't sure if you said that...
How old are you and do you have any kids?

Well from what I can gather, you should continue your education over anything so you can support yourself like you were doing at one time.

Does that mean moving back to your home country? If so then you should definitely do that since you can then get some space from these relationships and take time to also figure out what you really want. Sounds like you might not know what you want. I would take a break from men if it was me and I was going to be a doctor. I would resume your training and career. That doesn't mean you have to never be with a man again. You will be able to get the right kind of man for you if you take care of getting an education and career. Doesn't guarantee you won't get with another abuser but it sure means you can easily leave one if it happens. I hate to think you are trapped right now-are you? You can PM me btw :)
Hi, MollyBeGood!
Thank you for your time! I am 30 and no kids. I have a proposal to have a paid internship in september, and i accepted of course. Right now i live with in my husbands place, at least he is not violent. I have a social anxiety, it developped soon after i moved and had a first fail in a very important exam that i prepared for year. My self-confidence has dropped crucially that year and i end up sitting home and avoiding any contacts. I had first panic attack in doctors cabinet when i couldn't remember the day i usually start my pills. Things brought me to a free psycologic help at the university and i attended a dozen of sessions,. Things seemed to go better, i changed the city and got into a trap of a new love affair. Going back to my country is possible, but the fact of being behind my coursemates, who are successfully practicing as doctors while i'm loosing my competency and will have to start from zero, is freezing me.

I am one step away of getting a diploma in this country. Today my option is to be patient and finish studies. Once i get a job, i could rent a room and choose where to go next.

I know i sound wrapped in many imagined barriers, but it's hard to determine what's really important and what's just an excuse. Relations are taking all energy and distracting from career goals. I don't really know how other women think. Do they really put themselves on 1st place, and the rest gets better?

Many people tell me i complain too much. That i have people to help, opportunities, and many would like to be on my place. Whatever, i know i'm not feeling happy inside my skin. I stopped smiling and laughing. I developped anxious wrinkles on my forehead. I don't dress well as i used to. I call my parents once per month case i have to lie that i'm fine. I lie to friends that i'm doing well. I used to be one of the best students, one of the brightest girls in our "circle". This country made me invisible, lost and weak. I am just another immigrant and i start everything from zero. Back home, i'm a cheater who left for a better life and married a foreign guy, i can't go back like a beaten dog. Sorry for so many details


Well-known member
Hello, Success, and welcome to the site. I'm sorry you're going through what you are. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that if you're worried that you're attracting the wrong kind of man, make an effort to be on your own for awhile. See if you can live in your own skin without going crazy. It's very difficult for a lot of people to do. I know your current living situation, but I what I mean is being dependent on other people for companionship/entertainment/etc. Perhaps that alone time will help you identify if there's a pattern or issue with why you're doing the things you're doing or maybe you'll realize that it's just been an unfortunate run of bad luck. Either way, I wish you the best. Hope this site helps. I look forward to reading more from you. :)


Well-known member
Hi, yes I would do whatever you can to get your diploma. If that means suffering through some uncomfortable things I would say 'stay the course' and get your degree no matter what.

Relationships come and go. Don't let emotions dictate solid decisions about your future. Make you a priority.

How's it going btw?
Thank you all for kind words and support. The simple fact of being read makes me feel not lonely and not unique in my situation. Usually it felt like im the only one unlucky and weak in this world of strong people.

Actually, i stay strong on my professional path and applying for last year of studies. I'll go back soon to my country to stay a while with my parents and get some force from native places and family. I think, that will help to clarify things and recharge batteries.

For relationships side, i am going to put this on pause and think only of myself untill i know what i need. I don't have energy for everything these days any way.

I wish you all a good day. D.

Soy Sauce

Well-known member
I think you have the right idea. Put yourself first! If your career is something you are passionate about, focus on that and drop the things that are weighing you down (the men). Loves shows up in funny places sometimes. Sometimes love comes when you are focusing on everything except love! So who knows, maybe the love of your life will show up when you are not even thinking about a relationship. Despite your situation, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and maybe just needed to express yourself. Sometimes just the act of writing out your feelings can help you organize your thoughts and make a decision. Good luck!