Freak

[Rxqueen]

For all intents and purposes I've had a good life, I have a great family decent parents 3 siblings all normal and socially able, never had a person close to me die, never had a near death experience, always moderate to high middle class so never really had a problem with money (though I'm broke now it's no where near real poverty). But I still feel as if I'm a freak of nature. I can't talk to people without staring at the ground, every time I'm around a large group of people I stare straight ahead and try to disappear, I have no friends, I've yet to date, or have any real relationships, and I have deep depression.

I've recently gained a ton of weight and have some really bad depression, though I've had worse. I'm living at home right now though I just graduated from college last year. I have a job (as a volunteer so I get paid sh!t). To other people this wouldn't be seen as a real ****ty life. But I can't help but wish I could die tomorrow. I could barely get out of bed this morning and skipped going to work. I have days where I hate everyone and wish the world would explode. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me so I'd have an excuse to be so depressed.

I don't know why I posted this really and I'm sure I'll go back and delete it later. Any response would be great....

 

[Lost Girl]

If you've had nothing go terribly wrong in your life that 'justifies' your SA and depression then I can imagine the terrible confusion and weight that must have on your head. I don't personally believe that it always derives from bad experiences. Perhaps you have a family history of depression and anxiety and just don't know it?

I have a pretty good life right now, and sometimes I just hate myself for not being able to shake off the SA and be rid of it. It cramps my style .

 

[Kat]

Yeah, you don’t have to have negative stimulus form external sources, to me this thing is like a skill and we have become too good at it, it’s not so easy just to forget how to read, write or speak if you have been doing it for a long period of time.

 

[Rxqueen]

Well I was bullied as a child and throughout my life really...but I don't see that as something that would create the extend of SA that I have...I mean I could go days without talking...and even thinking about going out makes me physically ill...

 

[Eam]

When reading some of the experiences of the members here I feel pretty much the same. I have been bullied, but not to a great extent and not for prolonged periods. I have a decent loving family (although one part of it I know definitely has significantly contributed to my condition). I have had quite a few friends in my past, though not really anymore.

For me, I've had to deal with a lot of rejection from people you're supposed to be able to trust, from people I've wanted to become close to and.. from a lot of other sources. I've just come to expect rejection as a matter of course to the point that I'm gob smacked when someone accepts me. Maybe you have a similar history of rejection?

And you're not a freak, SA is all about irrationality anyway.

 

[Kat]

Well I was bullied as a child and throughout my life really...but I don't see that as something that would create the extend of SA that I have...I mean I could go days without talking...and even thinking about going out makes me physically ill...

My dad’s families life for example any type of abuse you could think of happened to his brothers and sisters, it affected them of course but only 1 out of the 8 had a slight form of sa. I am not sure what causes this, but you’re not a freak just taking a different detour to life than most.

 

[Falkor]

First of all, This thread should not be called Freak. Because u should not call yourself a freak, or are we all freaks here on SPW? because of the fact that we have SA? We just don't know how to be relaxed in social situations.
That doesn't make ourselfes a freak.
Now I'm sitting in the garden at my grandma's house .. And I know today a guy will come visit me. I have a jogging suit on, and I feel not okay with this.
But I have to wear it because otherwise I would get a cold -_- ( my grandma says..)
I don't feel comfortable at all, and i think i will act awkward again..
I wish I could just be relaxed.
But I don't know where to look at, how to move, how to stand, how to sit..
How to talk... Well sometimes I come up with something, but mostly it's the other person which starts....
I'm getting physically ill too ... I really hope I will feel OK.
Social phobia drives me insane.

 

[Luke1993]

Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me so I'd have an excuse to be so depressed.

Wow sometimes I think the exact same thing. Dont get me wrong though I want to be happy!

 

[7411]

It sounds like there's a lot of guilt here.
'I have a good life so why so afraid/unhappy?' I hate this argument.. it's the same as the 'there are children starving in somalia so what have you got to be so unhappy about' thing people sometimes say to the terminally depressed. There's no relieving emotional pain by piling on more guilt.

I struggled with this for a long time, I've had an alright life, plenty of opportunities and I burned them all. Eventually I just dismissed it...I think different people handle emotional pain in different ways by their own internal logic, that's all there is to it. There's no explaining it just like there's no measuring emotions, and somebody that's led a reasonably normal life can suffer just as much as an abuse victim.