Feeling Awful About Myself

[PandaBear]

Yea, so here I go. Complaining about my life.
I have one friend and he lives in another state. Where have all my other friends gone to? I pushed them all away. Years ago. For about 4 years, through high school, I've lived a really lonely life and I feel like I've become this person who doesn't even know how to make friends or meet new people. I feel undesirable. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I always manage to screw things up. Always.

I can't even form comprehensible sentences right now.

My life is pathetic. It is the definition of pathetic. I feel like I'm not worth anything. If it weren't for my mom I'd have killed myself by now.
Time to get metaphorical because it seems to be the only way I know to express myself. I have all this weight bearing down on my shoulders and I don't know which way to turn.
I'm awful about asking for help. I can't ask my mom because she's already doing everything she possibly can. Both my parents are dealing with my brother. My brother is even worse off than me, if you can imagine that. He's violent. Can't hold a job. I feel like I'm going to end up like him and I don't want to do that to my parents.

On top of everything, I shake. I shake when I'm excited, sad, nervous, angry. I'm shaking right now and it makes me feel even more pathetic.

And on top of that, I have no idea what the hell I want. I don't know what I want to come from me writing this. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know anything.

 

[deadend]

Are you on any medications? Have you been to counseling at all? How old are you?

 

[PandaBear]

Are you on any medications? Have you been to counseling at all? How old are you?

No to both. 17.

 

[EasySkanking]

I'm not sure if a lot of people *really* know what they want. They either *think* they know what they want or they *believe* they want something. (If that makes sense). But I bet if they really thought about it, they wouldn't know what they really want.

I sure as hell don't - except that I want to be normal again... and it's such an abstract concept that it might as well mean that I don't know what I want.

Let me tell you this (and it's a fact)... it's a fact because I have seen it because I have "wandered" into that distant place called *reality*.

- you are not pathetic (fact). You have ideas/believes that put you in a bad light making you look pathetic... but those ideas/believes are based on bull**** ideas/thoughts. Social conditioning in other words. We are all trying to be "as we should be" according to society's mystical standards (even if we do so unconsciously) - which are all bull**** and mainly just exist for the purpose of drawing money from your pockets.

- You are not worthless - without the bull**** believes that I wrote about above, everyone is the same/equal... aren't we all like 90%+ alike genetically?

The list goes on and on.... Basically, everything that you think you are not - you ARE. Everything that you fear is not scary at all (even to you).

The thing is, it's HARD to convince yourself of these facts... probably because you've spent SO MUCH time thinking otherwise that we just hardwire our brains this way.

Just my 2 cents.

Does anyone know what to do about this? I could use some advice too

 

[Bittersweet]

Not to try and give you an offhand diagnosis, but a lot of your thoughts sound very much like symptoms of depression.

 

[PandaBear]

@EasySkanking
Thanks. I do agree, but I always see people who seem to have everything together and have so many friends. They're funny and clever.

I think what I want is just to be accepted and loved, for who I really am. Baggage and all.

@Bittersweet
Most likely. My mom has diagnosed depression and takes Prozac. My brother was diagnosed with it as well and he was put on a bunch of different meds, but hated all of them.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

I've gotten the shakes in the past also. I've actually taken up buddhist meditation with some vigor recently and seems to help, but I don't think I'm really doing it right because I still can't get along with any of my roommates. I think they talk about me clearly in front of me, but use their names to say something that seems to pertain to me. Veiled insults. I don't even know how to tell them about buddhism. Potentially one of the most life changing events happened to me recently and I don't know how to tell anyone about it.
Naturally, I feel completely pathetic. I know exactly what I have to do to change, but its so hard to do it. Every time I try to explain something personal my voice gets caught up and I start stuttering.
I would highly recommend starting a meditation practice. It helped me to realize that this is the way corporations prefer us. They single us out so we're afraid of everything then they sell us a perfect world that we have to buy to become a part of, and which we'll never be a part of.
My own rant, sorry.
Always know that there are others who feel the same and who love you because of it. I really hope you start feeling better. Keep in mind, with meditation you don't need anything but yourself and the goal is a peaceful mind. It's not easy, but it can make you feel truly amazing.
I have felt love explode through my body. But I'm still fighting. I'm hiding in shame from my roommates now. Despite that, I can't stop. I've come too far to give up. Meditation puts you at just the right place for you to be able to get over what you need to. Every human being has the innate ability to overcome suffering in their life. The Buddha was a human being and so are you.
I'm not trying to force anything on you and I apologize if it sounds like it. I'm trying to write like I'm thinking and its hard for me to focus. Again, meditation helps.
I hope that had relevance and helped
When I say I love you
I hope you are able to find the strength you need
Please believe me. I say this because if someone said this to me I would have trouble with this myself.
We make our own realities,
Please, let yours recognize my love.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Easy has the right idea.

 

[PandaBear]

I've gotten the shakes in the past also. I've actually taken up buddhist meditation with some vigor recently and seems to help, but I don't think I'm really doing it right because I still can't get along with any of my roommates. I think they talk about me clearly in front of me, but use their names to say something that seems to pertain to me. Veiled insults. I don't even know how to tell them about buddhism. Potentially one of the most life changing events happened to me recently and I don't know how to tell anyone about it.
Naturally, I feel completely pathetic. I know exactly what I have to do to change, but its so hard to do it. Every time I try to explain something personal my voice gets caught up and I start stuttering.
I would highly recommend starting a meditation practice. It helped me to realize that this is the way corporations prefer us. They single us out so we're afraid of everything then they sell us a perfect world that we have to buy to become a part of, and which we'll never be a part of.
My own rant, sorry.
Always know that there are others who feel the same and who love you because of it. I really hope you start feeling better. Keep in mind, with meditation you don't need anything but yourself and the goal is a peaceful mind. It's not easy, but it can make you feel truly amazing.
I have felt love explode through my body. But I'm still fighting. I'm hiding in shame from my roommates now. Despite that, I can't stop. I've come too far to give up. Meditation puts you at just the right place for you to be able to get over what you need to. Every human being has the innate ability to overcome suffering in their life. The Buddha was a human being and so are you.
I'm not trying to force anything on you and I apologize if it sounds like it. I'm trying to write like I'm thinking and its hard for me to focus. Again, meditation helps.
I hope that had relevance and helped
When I say I love you
I hope you are able to find the strength you need
Please believe me. I say this because if someone said this to me I would have trouble with this myself.
We make our own realities,
Please, let yours recognize my love.

Thank you. Really, thank you.

I think that what I need to do is just let go. I fantasize about it all the time, but never do it. Like reaching out to another person, expressing my thoughts, or just being me. I am terrified of everything.

I think I write like I'm thinking too. Probably the reason why everything I'm saying is so disconnected.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Thank you. Really, thank you.

I think that what I need to do is just let go. I fantasize about it all the time, but never do it. Like reaching out to another person, expressing my thoughts, or just being me. I am terrified of everything.

I think I write like I'm thinking too. Probably the reason why everything I'm saying is so disconnected.

Of course, of course. I was worried that you might just think I'm crazy. That's my problem with letting go. I have all these ideas but I don't know how or where to express them. I worry that people won't accept me, so I force their hand into doing just that. Now I have to figure out how to overcome that.

A word to the wise. Any meditation program that makes you pay money is not in the spirit of meditation. I would recommend going to a place with a real teacher.
I say this, but I have of course not done it myself. I plan to though.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Panda,

This sounds like a difficult situation. A depressed parent (or two?) and a brother with problems... No wonder you've been under a lot of stress and worried about things. The shakes can come from stress too...
If your mum has also been depressed, then most likely some 'not helpful' thought and behaviour patterns have been present in your family from the start, and you might have a genetic predisposition... You can still do many things to improve the situation!!

Maybe take a look if there is any free help available where you live? Like maybe a support group or free counselling? Some organisations/non-profits can have these...
Or see if there's an interesting club/organisation or volunteering you could join?

Running/exercise and sunshine every day can work against depression and help you feel better and concentrate more easily... Too much computer (5+ hours) can be bad and can cause depression and concentration problems... Does your brother maybe have ADD/ADHD or such? Maybe worth looking into...

Many people don't know what exactly they want in life, and some that do know, haven't been able to get it... Or some have gotten it and realized it wasn't exactly 'it', what they wanted... So sometimes it's better to not know what you want cause you can be more flexible that way...

I kinda 'knew' what I wanted at Uni, and a classmate had no idea. After I tried out what I 'wanted' I realized it wasn't 'it' and that classmate just landed a good job she still has!! So 'knowing what you want' isn't 'all that' it's supposed to be!! Take your time to discover who you are and what might be okay for you...

I think you want calm and peace. And that's a good goal.
And to learn how to make friends and meet new people. All good goals too.
These are learnable skills and some people acquire them sooner, some later... I bet you know a lot about some things other people have no clue about too... We just acquire these skills at different times in life...

There's lots of info online and in books, articles... Do you have a library locally? There may be a good shelf with books and maybe they might even have some nice events? (Where you could maybe meet new people too?) Librarians or people who work in book shops can be nice people too... And there might be some summer courses, workshops or camps you could join? Some of these might even make you more 'employable' later on?

 

[The Observer]

I can't see in your post where all this stuff is coming from in your life. I mean you say your this and your that but what is influencing it all? You talk about all this weight bearing down on you, but what's it from man? Really you pushed all your friends away for no apparent reason and choose to be lonely. Think about it, you even said so. Its no wonder you feel lonely. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your brothers problems are his own and not yours and you should not let his problems effect you to any extent, same goes for anyone.

Best advice I can give you is try to find even just one friend again. Go to places where kids your age do be around, start in the library if you want there you will have plenty to talk about...in relation to books and stuff haha. So yeah really try get one friend and then you know you can get more confident with them, open up more, talk more, get comfortable around other people, they might even introduce you to more friends and before you know it your part of a group of friends. People aren't so mean and being social creatures that we are most of us like new additions to our circle of friends.

I'd advise you do this now while your young my friend, The older you get the harder it gets. I'm not saying its impossible for older people to make friends but its certainly easier for a 17 year old

Good luck

 

[Paahi]

I always manage to screw things up. Always.

I can relate to this.

And on top of that, (a girl I was talking to today was the one who pointed this out for me) I have no idea what the hell I want. I don't know what I want to come from me writing this. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know anything.

Don't worry. It will come to you with time.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

We sound exactly the same, except I'm 23. When I was 17, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I had a 5 year plan for education and work- as well as 3 separate backup plans if something went wrong, and I went with the flow.
Things rarely end up the way we plan, though. My 5 year plan turned into plan b, then c, then d, then finally I just scrapped all of my plans and decided I didn't need college or a good job- just the man I loved. Then he left me after 8 years and I had depended on him for all of the strength I had and for the little bit of confidence I had left.
That was it! I had nothing. No apartment, no money, no job, no degree, no friends and no life. He was my life.

Now I'm an adult. Everyone I knew in highschool is graduating from college and university, making babies, having lives and I've been stuck in my room for 3 years alone. Depressed. Alone. Suicidal. Agoraphobic.
I've had counseling, I've tried many different forms of therapy/medications/diet changes and so far nothing has really helped. I still want to die. I still don't know who I am anymore or what I want to do with my life and it's really hard to press on with life when you have no dreams or aspirations.

So, PandaBear... I know you probably hate hearing this, but you're still young. Most people don't know what they want to do in highschool or even in their mid-late 20's or 30's... or sometimes for their entire life.
You have to figure out what you like to do... if there is anything at all.
It's hard to remain positive but I certainly don't think it's too late for you.
You still have a good chance to turn around and do something with yourself.

 

[PandaBear]

Thanks guys. You're all so sweet.
It's nice to hear I'm not alone in this because it always feels like I am.

I'm going to college in about a month and I just feel really unprepared. That is what the majority of my stress is coming from. Living by myself, away from my mom and my pets and all the comforts I've lived with my entire life. I'll be moving to another state, away from all things familiar. I'm afraid to be living in a room with a complete stranger. I've always been a very private person and I like to have my space.

But these are just problems that I'm going to have to deal with, whether I like it or not. Luckily, I'm going to a very small, liberal college that preaches acceptance. They have all sorts of groups and help centers that I might look into. I just hope I have the courage to do so.

If I make just one true friend in college, I would be thrilled. You have no idea how happy it would make me.
I'm just awful at conversation. I never know what to say.

Another thing I'm also stressed out about is seeing my brother this weekend, for the 4th. He's so unpredictable and I hate being around that. Meanwhile my dad will be drinking heavily, as he always does. I'm just not looking forward to it.

 

[Rot]

Hi Panda,

I think there's not so much that I can say that you haven't already read. But I felt the same when I was 17 too. I'm 22 and many things have changed. As Paahi and WeirdyMcGee say, you'll surely know what you want in life (I also do now), and that's just a matter of time. If you just look at people, you'll see that many have spent their lives without knowing what they really want in life. Studying, working and doing things they don't really want, making them unhappy.

You have to do what you really love, even if it's not what others expect from you. You are really young, you're just starting to live. You have to try new things, always you can. Don't be afraid of new things and consider things you never considered. You'll find something you'll be glad with, something you really want to do in life.

It's hard, and specially for us life's a constant fighting (more against ourselves), but you'll find really nice things in life. You'll meet great people you couldn't believe they existed and things will go better.

 

[NickyNacker]

Reading your post was like reading something I wrote about myself. I feel the exact same way about everything you said, it's weird. I'm more depressed than I've ever been and I'm feeling desperate. I've been thinking about suicide non-stop lately but don't think I could ever do it.