Fear of Intimacy/Sex?

[social_phobia2008]

Relashionships, intimacy and finnaly sex is natural not only for humans but for all animals. Of course for animals its just for reproduction, but mamals for example have some sort of rudimentary feelings, some even choose mates for life.

Just like eating, drinking, sleeping, sex/making love are basic needs. But it isnt just that, its good for health, it realeases endorphins and it feels great, if u are with the right person. If it doesnt feel that way, u either should go look for someone else or you're an exception from the rule. ok enough theory

i personally think it makes like 50% of a relashionship, the other goes to how u can get along with the other person, communication, emotional bond and all that.

with my first gf it was like many of u here say: she was afraid mainly that it will hurt, blood all over and stuff. second, she was like a turtle in a shell, afraid of getting intimate. so i didnt pressure her.

i let her do all initiations. at the third date she initiated first kiss(btw she was virgin), i was surprized, i thought it will take longer, ofc she had 1-2 beers on board to help her. at 4nd date, she got really really drunk, like 4-5 beers, and i guess she did that just to be able to express herself, exteorize. and she told me she loved me.

from that on i thought ok she is opened and this wont take more than 3 weeks to acctually do it and brake that nasty virginity complex and fear. but i was kinda wrong...

at 6rd date we went only mouth kisses, standing on the couch next to each other and i tried to caress/touch her here and there to test her reactions. well mostly she let me excepting her 2 ''hot spots''. it went like this for an hour. she was still like a turtle in the shell cause she always repeled my hands, but after 2 more dates it went ok and what was kinda odd was that it lasted like 1,5h and she dint took clothes off lol.

after 2 more dates it got natural and she wanted it more than me (stange), meaning that she dragged me to my/her room, locked door and she was very eager. Clothes were all off and all that BUT after 2 months we were still in the ''is it gonna hurt when u ....?'' phase, and i was starting to lose my patience. all went all for like 1-2 hours(ye she liked long prelude), we both had orgasms and all the menu.

it was month 3 now and still same "is it gonna hurt'' question.[dont read ahead if youre not 18 lol] so i was getting really impacient and angry. she kept telling me how she read and heard about excruciating pain and blood all over. and i kept explaining to her: i started with 1 little finger, then advanced to 2 fingers, no discomfort there all fine, sh*t loads of prelude and warming up, we will go reaaaaly slowly but she wont get over the fear.

so when we got up and went for a week on vacation far away, i said to her im thinking of finding another cause its been 3 months and all, no rushing, step by step on all aspect, emotional and pshisical, and we;re stuck on this pain thing.

and like magic, the next day she got drunk probbalby to be numb to pain i think, but all went like a natural thing, no blood, not the slightest pain not nothing. next morning she couldnt remember much and she asked like: did we do it ? and i said yes. she asked when ? last night i said. then she remembered little parts and from that day on we did it like any other couple.

so what im trying to say is that sex/making love doesnt have to come all of a sudden from the first dates, especially if she is a virgin. and getting to know each other first and spending lots of time togheter, building trust and confidence, taking baby steps and careing for each other matters alot before getting to sex. and those things make it even more special and enjoyable.

oh and sorry for long post but was kinda long story

Though, ardent lovemaking - if the circumstances are supportive - may be of a most pleasurable nature. I don't identify as asexual - for me, sex and love are just way too expensive.

Klytus, u admit in this thread several times intimacy and sex is not worth it, its too expensive, u're better off. Did u ever experience them ? Cause i didnt understand if u did or not. Oh and ofc there are other life pleasures but sex is deffinetlly in top 10, my oppinion

 

[PennyLane]

Relashionships, intimacy and finnaly sex is natural not only for humans but for all animals. Of course for animals its just for reproduction, but mamals for example have some sort of rudimentary feelings, some even choose mates for life.

Just like eating, drinking, sleeping, sex/making love are basic needs. But it isnt just that, its good for health, it realeases endorphins and it feels great, if u are with the right person. If it doesnt feel that way, u either should go look for someone else or you're an exception from the rule. ok enough theory

i personally think it makes like 50% of a relashionship, the other goes to how u can get along with the other person, communication, emotional bond and all that.

with my first gf it was like many of u here say: she was afraid mainly that it will hurt, blood all over and stuff. second, she was like a turtle in a shell, afraid of getting intimate. so i didnt pressure her.

i let her do all initiations. at the third date she initiated first kiss(btw she was virgin), i was surprized, i thought it will take longer, ofc she had 1-2 beers on board to help her. at 4nd date, she got really really drunk, like 4-5 beers, and i guess she did that just to be able to express herself, exteorize. and she told me she loved me.

from that on i thought ok she is opened and this wont take more than 3 weeks to acctually do it and brake that nasty virginity complex and fear. but i was kinda wrong...

at 6rd date we went only mouth kisses, standing on the couch next to each other and i tried to caress/touch her here and there to test her reactions. well mostly she let me excepting her 2 ''hot spots''. it went like this for an hour. she was still like a turtle in the shell cause she always repeled my hands, but after 2 more dates it went ok and what was kinda odd was that it lasted like 1,5h and she dint took clothes off lol.

after 2 more dates it got natural and she wanted it more than me (stange), meaning that she dragged me to my/her room, locked door and she was very eager. Clothes were all off and all that BUT after 2 months we were still in the ''is it gonna hurt when u ....?'' phase, and i was starting to lose my patience. all went all for like 1-2 hours(ye she liked long prelude), we both had orgasms and all the menu.

it was month 3 now and still same "is it gonna hurt'' question.[dont read ahead if youre not 18 lol] so i was getting really impacient and angry. she kept telling me how she read and heard about excruciating pain and blood all over. and i kept explaining to her: i started with 1 little finger, then advanced to 2 fingers, no discomfort there all fine, sh*t loads of prelude and warming up, we will go reaaaaly slowly but she wont get over the fear.

so when we got up and went for a week on vacation far away, i said to her im thinking of finding another cause its been 3 months and all, no rushing, step by step on all aspect, emotional and pshisical, and we;re stuck on this pain thing.

and like magic, the next day she got drunk probbalby to be numb to pain i think, but all went like a natural thing, no blood, not the slightest pain not nothing. next morning she couldnt remember much and she asked like: did we do it ? and i said yes. she asked when ? last night i said. then she remembered little parts and from that day on we did it like any other couple.

so what im trying to say is that sex/making love doesnt have to come all of a sudden from the first dates, especially if she is a virgin. and getting to know each other first and spending lots of time togheter, building trust and confidence, taking baby steps and careing for each other matters alot before getting to sex. and those things make it even more special and enjoyable.

oh and sorry for long post but was kinda long story

Well you end with the fact that it doesn't all have to happen at once and building trust etc..... but basically after 3 months you told her you were thinking of finding another???? So she pretty much had to get drunk and sleep with you!! This is horrible...it can't have been love if a) 3 months was too long for you to wait and b) you were fine with her getting drunk and not remembering it on her first time so she wouldn't lose you!

Its like your closing statement doesn't fit with your story.

 

[klytus]

Just like eating, drinking, sleeping, sex/making love are basic needs. But it isn't just that, its good for health, it releases endorphins and it feels great, if you are with the right person.

It has nothing to do with the person you are with. The body doesn't care how it gets to the orgasm.

Did you ever experience them ? Because i didn't understand if you did or not. Oh and of course there are other life pleasures but sex is definitely in top 10, my opinion

I know what an orgasm feels like, and that's enough to know that even if I had sex with someone, it wouldn't be much different. Probably even less exciting in that regard. What may add to the excitement greatly is the criticality and the rarity of the situation.

and getting to know each other first and spending lots of time together, building trust and confidence, taking baby steps and caring for each other matters a lot before getting to sex.

For you, it took months. The time, the mental effort, the distraction from relevant things you had to go through, just to have penetrative sex with your own girlfriend. I am not sure how to interpret your story. Did you push her into having sex? It's not clear. She might have been bound to have her first time sex under the influence of alcohol, in order to not lose you. The sad part is that she doesn't even remember it. As far as I can tell, she was drunk during every single instance of sexual activity you two had.

Its like your closing statement doesn't fit with your story.

Perhaps he wants others to learn from his mistakes.

Personally I like my guys to have some hair, and I think shaved armpits on guys is kinda gross lol... but that's just me. I'm not one to care about "gender roles" stuff (since I'm gay >_>) but it's just too feminine IMO

I find shaved armpits much more comfortable. It feels cleaner. Plus that nobody will ever see me naked - not that anyone would really care about my armpits.

 

[Remus]

I know what an orgasm feels like, and that's enough to know that even if I had sex with someone, it wouldn't be much different. Probably even less exciting in that regard.

Hmmm very wrong, you seem to be an expert on something you have never experienced. Your attitude borders on sociopathic, I felt very very similar once upon a time, give it a chance

 

[Remus]

For you, it took months. The time, the mental effort, the distraction from relevant things you had to go through, just to have penetrative sex with your own girlfriend.

Yes that's the chase

Where is the fun in anything that is easy to do?

 

[klytus]

Hmmm very wrong, you seem to be an expert on something you have never experienced.

Experiences are often misleading. They can easily impair one's ability to reason. As I said - several times - it is very likely that ardent lovemaking (a.k.a. good sex in a romantic relationship) can be a very exciting and pleasant thing to have. That doesn't change the fact that sex itself - together with a presumably stable relationship - is hard to attain and not really worth it. For certain people, sex with no strings attached is just equally hard to get, and with that one has to face a variety of other dangers.

Your attitude borders on sociopathic, I felt very very similar once upon a time, give it a chance

Come on, it's obvious that - given the pressure to perform well, the actual ridiculousness of the act, and the relief from finally having gotten to the point where someone wants to become intimate with me - the orgasm won't be as good as it could've been, had there not been someone else around to disappoint.

Yes that's the chase Where is the fun in anything that is easy to do?

I stopped chasing and playing games a decade and a half ago and I just don't want to have to fight for something that can only give me a moment of physical pleasure. If you have other things in life, which last longer, are very fun to do, and significantly less expensive, the need for sexual interactions seems to fade away.

Just look at how people get their relationships. Countless attempts, hours, dates, gifts, compromises, lies and tears. In the end, you aren't wiser, aren't closer to any kind of universal truth, aren't stronger, and - given the instability of relationships - you may even end up lonely again. You are just older. Then this cycle repeats itself - or, rather, people consciously repeat it - for sex, or some sort of emotional attention that they appear to badly need. (Many, especially women, even mistake sex for said emotional attention, by the way. The sole reason why many young ones agree to have it.)

 

[Remus]

Well if you are that convinced, good luck.

 

[Imhotep]

Just look at how people get their relationships. Countless attempts, hours, dates, gifts, compromises, lies and tears. In the end, you aren't wiser, aren't closer to any kind of universal truth, aren't stronger, and - given the instability of relationships - you may even end up lonely again. You are just older. Then this cycle repeats itself - or, rather, people consciously repeat it - for sex, or some sort of emotional attention that they appear to badly need. (Many, especially women, even mistake sex for said emotional attention, by the way. The sole reason why many young ones agree to have it.)

There's also a lot of fun to be had along the way. Sharing someone's company for a start. It CAN be very enjoyable to share time with someone on a date. It is very nice to give and recieve gifts (we exchanged flowers last week ). Yes, there is a risk that you'll end up lonely again and in a worse position because you've lost someone. But there is a risk to everything, and sometimes the risk is worth taking. I'm worried that I'm not really what my new lady friend wants in the long run, but I've made a conscious decision to make hay while the sun shines and damn well enjoy every minute we spend together. I've never experienced this situation before and I was reasonably sure I'd never have the opportunity.

And although I'm hardly an expert on the subject, I think you're wrong about women's attitutes to sex and why they have it.

 

[Miami]

I have some performance anxiety if I'm with a girl that I dont love.

 

[thor01]

Just like eating, drinking, sleeping, sex/making love are basic needs. But it isnt just that, its good for health, it realeases endorphins and it feels great, if u are with the right person. If it doesnt feel that way, u either should go look for someone else or you're an exception from the rule.

Yeah this what makes me sad, why was a natural need made so hard to get (at least for me)? Why can't it be easier. Sleeping and drinking water isn't some endless quest. What is someone like me supposed to do?

 

[klytus]

There's also a lot of fun to be had along the way. Sharing someone's company for a start. It CAN be very enjoyable to share time with someone on a date. It is very nice to give and receive gifts (we exchanged flowers last week ).

Whether you have fun or not really depends on so many boundary conditions that it's hard to say something about that without an example situation. A big part of it depends on the person you are with. It's hard to have fun, if you have to put on an act to get to the date in the first place. However, I dislike giving gifts the same way I dislike receiving them. I would never give anything to anyone, unless the person needed it or it was necessary in some other way. But that's just me. I would never accept gifts, either. That's why I stopped celebrating everything (birthdays, Christmas, New Year's Eve, etc.) a decade ago.

Yeah this what makes me sad, why was a natural need made so hard to get (at least for me)? Why can't it be easier. What is someone like me supposed to do?

It could be easy, if you were someone else. Since you can't effectively change who you are, you can at least try to change how others perceive you. But that's how life goes. Some are better at faking it, some aren't. If you really want it, it will happen naturally, unless you consciously prevent it.

 

[PennyLane]

Come on, it's obvious that - given the pressure to perform well, the actual ridiculousness of the act, and the relief from finally having gotten to the point where someone wants to become intimate with me - the orgasm won't be as good as it could've been, had there not been someone else around to disappoint.

This just sounds like you are confusing an orgasm with sex. The only way I can think to explain is in intimate details haha. Sorry. Anyway...if I do it myself I am 100% guaranteed an orgasm everytime. If I do it with a man this pretty much halves its chance of happening..but if I had the option I would rather do it with a man. It is an experience, not just a result. If this wasn't the case people would stop doing it except for reproductive purposes.

 

[thor01]

It could be easy, if you were someone else. Since you can't effectively change who you are, you can at least try to change how others perceive you. But that's how life goes. Some are better at faking it, some aren't. If you really want it, it will happen naturally, unless you consciously prevent it.

But that's the thing why should I have to "fake it" and pretend to be someone I'm not. Why can't someone like who I am. I'm not nasty to anyone, so why am I less deserving of it? I don't have to "fake it" to eat, sleep or drink.
I've really wanted it for years, and I've imagined it just happening naturally in my head, but it never has, and I'm not consciously preventing it. I only welcome the idea of it happening.

 

[klytus]

This just sounds like you are confusing an orgasm with sex.

I am not. I said, it is likely that the criticality and the rarity of the situation may greatly add to the excitement. I mean, it's damn exciting whether she gets pregnant or not. -- Apart from that, certainly, the closeness to the person with whom one is having sex is a significant aspect of it. The intimacy itself, beyond any orgasm, is definitely pleasant and wonderful. I am not saying anything against lovemaking itself. Just against the process by which one gets to that point. It's too hard to get there. That is, relationships are too expensive for certain people.

Look at thor01. He is pretty good looking. A charming face he has. He badly wants to have a girlfriend. It's not happening. Why not? What he would have to do to get one - and I am not even speaking of sexual intercourse - is change who he is, because, honestly speaking, while everyone deserves being in a fulfilling romantic relationship, nobody is entitled to it. Apparently girls don't choose him. He obviously has no control over the situation. For anything he might be able to do, he would have to up the ante and possibly risk losing his self-identity. I, myself, wouldn't want to pretend being someone else, either.

 

[thor01]

I am not. I said, it is likely that the criticality and the rarity of the situation may greatly add to the excitement. I mean, it's damn exciting whether she gets pregnant or not. -- Apart from that, certainly, the closeness to the person with whom one is having sex is a significant aspect of it. The intimacy itself, beyond any orgasm, is definitely pleasant and wonderful. I am not saying anything against lovemaking itself. Just against the process by which one gets to that point. It's too hard to get there. That is, relationships are too expensive for certain people.

Look at thor01. He is pretty good looking. A charming face he has. He badly wants to have a girlfriend. It's not happening. Why not? What he would have to do to get one - and I am not even speaking of sexual intercourse - is change who he is, because, honestly speaking, while everyone deserves being in a fulfilling romantic relationship, nobody is entitled to it. Apparently girls don't choose him. He obviously has no control over the situation. For anything he might be able to do, he would have to up the ante and possibly risk losing his self-identity. I, myself, wouldn't want to pretend being someone else, either.

Correct, and thanks for the compliment. But I never mentioned wanting a girlfriend, of course that would be nice if it happened and it was the right person, but just not having a girlfriend isn't so much the problem to me. They usually just end anyway with someone being upset. I was actually just referring to sex/intimacy/affection, which I wouldn't feel the need to be in an official "relationship" to give or receive. That might be an unacceptable viewpoint to some. But its that that I feel the need for and not having a girlfriend for the sake of it, not that I've ever had the chance to have one anyway.

 

[klytus]

But I never mentioned wanting a girlfriend, of course that would be nice if it happened and it was the right person, but just not having a girlfriend isn't so much the problem to me. They usually just end anyway with someone being upset. I was actually just referring to sex/intimacy/affection, which I wouldn't feel the need to be in an official "relationship" to give or receive.

Does it make sense to want sex no strings attached, while wanting to be desired for one's actual personality? The nature of sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship is entirely physical, I suppose. Trusting each other, two people who want the fun - without the responsibilities and the complexity of a relationship - get together and have sex. There's not much personality involved, is there?

 

[thor01]

Does it make sense to want sex no strings attached, while wanting to be desired for one's actual personality? The nature of sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship is entirely physical, I suppose. Trusting each other, two people who want the fun - without the responsibilities and the complexity of a relationship - get together and have sex. There's not much personality involved, is there?

Well I'm not asking to be desired for my personality exactly, just to be desired in any way would be nice, even if it was just physical, without me having to change myself because I can't.

 

[jamie99]

Funny how some of you can have such a strong opinion on something you never tried lol. I hardly remember my first time, but i know it was bad and it ended very fast. All the sex i've had since then has been great.

 

[klytus]

just to be desired in any way would be nice, even if it was just physical

Very true.

Funny how some of you can have such a strong opinion on something you [never had a chance to try]

But that's exactly one of the central themes of the opinion.

 

[gsmax5]

Yeah, vaginas scare me. They're so complicated and gross.

I would still probably have sex if I had the chance, but I would still be scared.

On a side note, I also have a fear of sadistic girls having anti-rape devices hidden "in there" to be mean. anti rape device - Google Images