Fear of being stared at: How do you cope with it?
- Thread starter Timz
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WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
You must be a bit of a head-turnerIt may be a good thing
I wish I were the type of girl who thrived from getting attention but I'm not- so it seems more like an insult to me no matter how I look at it.
haha
And I don't want to be hurting people indirectly all the time! It makes me feel horrible!
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i've been there, exactly the same situations, i know how it makes you feel, its outrageous, you just wanna kill the person who's staring!
Great replies. Some have made me laugh in a loving way because it is cool to find others who feel like me.
My life has been freakin weird--when I was young teen, although i had been a nervous kid from 11-15 i got some kind of cofidence which was a bit over-confidence, and so i RELISHED gettin stared at. But---from 17 onwards it got to be hell because i truned out 'weid lookin' NOT the norm. for example, I am not tall, and last winter was cold so i sent off for a deerstalker hat--you know the one with the flaps. All excited cause i never wear hoods or hats. Got it and couldn't get it on me head. So...I send off for the largest size---get it. can get it on my head but it is SO tight it is not comfortable. So what have we here? Soeone who is not regular looking--below average body with above average head. So THAT is why i get these funny looks. Counsellors i've seen try and make out it is MY paranoia, and to ignore the 'bad people', but its not that fukin easy!! If ONE looks at you funny you KNOW everyone thinks it, and there is ALWAYS one or more ready to stare or to laugh, etc. So it is torture, because you dont know what to DO. You know you are being offended but you cannot just go and hit them, or even say anything because it alol comes back on ya, so your ****ed. Btw I had told counsellors about my feeling of disproportion and they claim your imagining it, but this hat thing conformed it didn't it.
'ORDINARY' people I have found in my life will mostly do anything not to be embarrassed and humiliated. Who the hell wants that. But people who get this VERY personal attack which is massive embarrassment and humiliation are expected to get 'treatment' to get over it??--know what I mean? its as though it is our fault--- that we imagine it, or most of it, and are 'too sensitive'.
I have been through so many phases. In my younger days i tried to stare them out, but it doesn't work. they win everytime cause they KNOW they have the power. they show you with their eyes your predicament---that you are gonna be a target for more people than him/her. So when I got on buses--which is HORRENDOUS (OK you get on. ALL the people are facing you like a little audience. The bus driver is behind plastic and you ask for your fare and he cant hear you so you have to shout--Jesus!!. THEN you have to turn and face a whole host of starers and pretend not to notice and find a seat and sit down utterly self-conscious) I will try and not look. When I walk down a street the same, but sometimes like my waiting room experiences you just cannot help but catch that funny look FIXED on you.
ALL last night i was doing stuff on the computer, watched some films but thinking about the assaults, and resenting having to have it obsessing me
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A86
Well-known member
Haha This is the best summary of a bus ride ever!
So glad I dont require the bus service anymore.
coyote
Well-known member
humans are visual creatures
we instinctually look towards anything that moves into or out of our field of vision
to see if it is predator or prey or something that can be ignored
we don't know which it is until we look at it
unless you're invisible, people will always look in your direction if you move
it's human nature
it may be debatable as to how much they're truly "staring" at you
how do you know their gaze is fixed and unmoving unless you are also watching their eyes the entire time?
are they staring at you, or are you staring at them?
we instinctually look towards anything that moves into or out of our field of vision
to see if it is predator or prey or something that can be ignored
we don't know which it is until we look at it
unless you're invisible, people will always look in your direction if you move
it's human nature
it may be debatable as to how much they're truly "staring" at you
how do you know their gaze is fixed and unmoving unless you are also watching their eyes the entire time?
are they staring at you, or are you staring at them?
you KNOW. Your argument reminds me of counsellors I have talked to about this who even though calling themselves 'people centred' supposedly meaning they are there to listen to you, will swear blind that you have it wrong and they are right. That even though they are not you THEY know that you are imgaining being stared at and laughed at! What this does is undermine your very knowing. They try and imply that you live in a delusional world thus undermining your sense of reality. I find this a real mind****
You KNOW when someone is staring at you--too much. I am not on about them just looking at you when you enter a room etc, of course not, but it is when they dont take their eyes off you which is stareing, right? You MUST have experienced kids doing it to someone they find odd---could be a burns victim, or a person with Downs Syndrome, etc etc and their parents will tell them not to stare? Now if that person is upset about this, I would know exactly how they feel. I wouldn't say that it is natural, or they are imgaining it. I will respect their understanding they ARE being stared at or alughed at.
I have to go to that same waiting room this Monday and am dreading it!! The biggest fear is not knowing how to act if it happens. I had an AWFUl experience last year in a petrol station where a male and female cashier both laughed at me in such a disrespectful way. I was unbelievebly shocked and upset, and tried to reort them to their manager but got just as much disrespect (not even eye contact) FROM HERE, AND WHEN i PHONED HER SUPERVISOR i FIRST GOT 'WELL SO WHAT?' ATTITUDE, BUT WHEN SHE KNEW i WAS MEANING BUSINESS SHE PUT ON A SERIOUS ATTITUDE BUT THE DAMAGE WAS DONE. i KNEW SHE COULDN'T GIVE A **** (oh sorry just looked up and see i must have hit cap key. I am not shouting lol)
So what happened? NOTHING. But I cannot go into the petrol station place again I feel so upset by it. The feeling is totally being upset, heart is going very fast, and getting hot--its like drowning and feeling you have no rights and cannot expect any rights. it feels HELPESS. It also frieghtens you because it brings out the evil in you. You feel SO dissed you imagine what you would like to do to the people who offended you so personally out of the blue even though you hadn't done anything, and I obsess over it for AGES, and you never forget it.
So all that trauma makes you want to avoid people in such situations as much as you can because you dont want all of that pain. it is so obvious.
When I saw a counsellor I was in a way asking her for a strategy to know how to DEAL with it when it happens, but her attitude was more making out I was imagining it which pissed me off. I have always been sharp with people. I can read them--body language and so on. Too much for my own good, so for someone to suggest I am delusional--it just adds insult to injury.
You KNOW when someone is staring at you--too much. I am not on about them just looking at you when you enter a room etc, of course not, but it is when they dont take their eyes off you which is stareing, right? You MUST have experienced kids doing it to someone they find odd---could be a burns victim, or a person with Downs Syndrome, etc etc and their parents will tell them not to stare? Now if that person is upset about this, I would know exactly how they feel. I wouldn't say that it is natural, or they are imgaining it. I will respect their understanding they ARE being stared at or alughed at.
I have to go to that same waiting room this Monday and am dreading it!! The biggest fear is not knowing how to act if it happens. I had an AWFUl experience last year in a petrol station where a male and female cashier both laughed at me in such a disrespectful way. I was unbelievebly shocked and upset, and tried to reort them to their manager but got just as much disrespect (not even eye contact) FROM HERE, AND WHEN i PHONED HER SUPERVISOR i FIRST GOT 'WELL SO WHAT?' ATTITUDE, BUT WHEN SHE KNEW i WAS MEANING BUSINESS SHE PUT ON A SERIOUS ATTITUDE BUT THE DAMAGE WAS DONE. i KNEW SHE COULDN'T GIVE A **** (oh sorry just looked up and see i must have hit cap key. I am not shouting lol)
So what happened? NOTHING. But I cannot go into the petrol station place again I feel so upset by it. The feeling is totally being upset, heart is going very fast, and getting hot--its like drowning and feeling you have no rights and cannot expect any rights. it feels HELPESS. It also frieghtens you because it brings out the evil in you. You feel SO dissed you imagine what you would like to do to the people who offended you so personally out of the blue even though you hadn't done anything, and I obsess over it for AGES, and you never forget it.
So all that trauma makes you want to avoid people in such situations as much as you can because you dont want all of that pain. it is so obvious.
When I saw a counsellor I was in a way asking her for a strategy to know how to DEAL with it when it happens, but her attitude was more making out I was imagining it which pissed me off. I have always been sharp with people. I can read them--body language and so on. Too much for my own good, so for someone to suggest I am delusional--it just adds insult to injury.
I hate it when people stare at me too and then laugh at me
coyote
Well-known member
didn't mean to suggest anything
just wondering how you knew they were really "staring" and not just looking at you, like people do normally
being stared at is a horrible experience, to be sure
but if we're just assuming that they're staring at us when they're not, then we're creating anxiety for no good reason
i guess if you know, you know
sorry to hear about your experience
Seri
Active member
Apparently the people in this country have a bad habit of staring more than usual and beyond what is polite. I've heard several people visiting from other countries mentioning it.
I think I mainly get stared at because I dress a little differently from most people here (though I still get stares even when I dress more normally). I deal with it by ignoring every single person around me when I go out in public (unless they happen to be right next to me).
Basically I'll only go out for a reason. Like say I want to buy something, and I'll walk briskly straight to the store I want, and right to the item I want, buy it and go home (browsing? What is that? ). That way I'm back in my comfort zone as quickly as possible and don't have to deal with many people.
I think I mainly get stared at because I dress a little differently from most people here (though I still get stares even when I dress more normally). I deal with it by ignoring every single person around me when I go out in public (unless they happen to be right next to me).
Basically I'll only go out for a reason. Like say I want to buy something, and I'll walk briskly straight to the store I want, and right to the item I want, buy it and go home (browsing? What is that?
). That way I'm back in my comfort zone as quickly as possible and don't have to deal with many people.^ i was playing guitar on my balcony this afternoon , then i noticed someone was staring at me , so i kept my head down , i felt horrible for a good 15 min to realize the person was long gone , i'm sure she only stayed for a few seconds , haha.
MaliceInWickedland
Well-known member
I know exactly what you mean. I'm the same way.
Reminds me of the skater guys that keep stalking me at work. They've been coming everyday to hang around the library for a while and I keep catching them staring at me as I go around sorting books and whatnot. I don't know why but I feel like they're staring at me because they're trying to find flaws about me to make fun of or maybe they want to do something to me rather than thinking that they like me. I hate being so paranoid...
I think there is BIG difference from being stared at in an admiring way and being stared as in 'you look funny' way. It always disturbs me when women cry about being stared at like a sexual object, because to ME that would be a holiday--I am male by the way, and gay. To be stared at because people find you odd is FAR worse. OK, i can dig that it worries some women, and I know that some women hate it so much they over eat so as not to draw sexual attraction, but I just wish women like that could have experiences I have where I have terrible body issues, and I am sure then they would be ecstatic getting positive attention.
So how do I know I am being looked at in a negative way? Well unfortunately it has been verified by insensitive things people have said, here's an example: a few years back I did a counselling course. i EXPECTED to find sensitive people...HAH!! wrong agin. First time I went into this room, there was this huge circle of chairs. I was totally nervous.
Anyway in our group were two women I would consider dowdy straight middle aged women. One of them looke very frail. We all went to this hotel for part of our course and one of the excercizes was to walk around and tell people what we really thought of them. thesese two...bitches, said when they first saw me they thought I was weird "but now we know you, we really like you" well GEE thanks. It really upset me
But there has been laods of things said about me, about my body--nuthin left unsaid. feel me? So it is not like dysmophia where the person IMAGINES they are different even when people are swearing they look alright. With me it has been outright disrespectful attacks, bullying, AND the stareing and gettin laughed at. This has caused me to be ultra self conscious and socially phobic
I have even been with 'friends' when trying to chill with them they have suddenly let burst a laugh, and I am the focus for it. This happened twice, and has made me never to be able to really trust people. For so-called friends to do that to you is unforgiveable!
So how do I know I am being looked at in a negative way? Well unfortunately it has been verified by insensitive things people have said, here's an example: a few years back I did a counselling course. i EXPECTED to find sensitive people...HAH!! wrong agin. First time I went into this room, there was this huge circle of chairs. I was totally nervous.
Anyway in our group were two women I would consider dowdy straight middle aged women. One of them looke very frail. We all went to this hotel for part of our course and one of the excercizes was to walk around and tell people what we really thought of them. thesese two...bitches, said when they first saw me they thought I was weird "but now we know you, we really like you" well GEE thanks. It really upset me
But there has been laods of things said about me, about my body--nuthin left unsaid. feel me? So it is not like dysmophia where the person IMAGINES they are different even when people are swearing they look alright. With me it has been outright disrespectful attacks, bullying, AND the stareing and gettin laughed at. This has caused me to be ultra self conscious and socially phobic
I have even been with 'friends' when trying to chill with them they have suddenly let burst a laugh, and I am the focus for it. This happened twice, and has made me never to be able to really trust people. For so-called friends to do that to you is unforgiveable!
burdeninyourhands
Active member
I totally agree with you. On the NYC transit its just ridiculous the staring is so menacing. I constantly avoid eye contact and social interaction. I'm not rude but I don't care much for small talk either. My depression is manifesting to anger when people stare at me I wanna beat them up I wanna hide mu face in public, I have no idea how to deal
How do you think they are satring at you though? cause they are attracted to you, or... like I get?
I find it SO so hard to not ackowleddge the stares. It is funnym when I had the trauma that got me to posting this thread, I Googled 'getting stared at' and find loads of links by this guy Rupert Sheldrake who has done these experiments to show how people can tell when they're being stared at. So it is something you can FEEL even if you haven't looked at the person staring, and that is what I mean. When I walked in that dentist I could feel instinctively the woman eyeballin me and automatically looked. I am a very sensitive person. So NOT looking at stares is hard cause is is going against my natura instinctual feelings. Feel me?
I find it SO so hard to not ackowleddge the stares. It is funnym when I had the trauma that got me to posting this thread, I Googled 'getting stared at' and find loads of links by this guy Rupert Sheldrake who has done these experiments to show how people can tell when they're being stared at. So it is something you can FEEL even if you haven't looked at the person staring, and that is what I mean. When I walked in that dentist I could feel instinctively the woman eyeballin me and automatically looked. I am a very sensitive person. So NOT looking at stares is hard cause is is going against my natura instinctual feelings. Feel me?
nightcrawler
Well-known member
Some people say that if you notice someone staring at you then you must be staring at them - this simply isn't true. If I think somone is staring at me I glance in their direction - if they are staring at me and don't look away when I glance at them then I'm pretty sure they are staring. A short while later I'll glance at them again - if they are still looking at me then they are staring at me - simple as that.
Sometimes I'll just go red, feel very uncomfortable, and just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Other times I'll do a small shake of my head in disapproval and start getting angry inside - I'll never make a scene though. If it's someone staring at me in the street then I'll mutter something sarcastic under my breath (like "take a picture, it'll last longer") - I'm sure some people have heard me, but no-one has actually done anything yet.
EDIT: Just realised that this was my 100th post!
Sometimes I'll just go red, feel very uncomfortable, and just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Other times I'll do a small shake of my head in disapproval and start getting angry inside - I'll never make a scene though. If it's someone staring at me in the street then I'll mutter something sarcastic under my breath (like "take a picture, it'll last longer"
) - I'm sure some people have heard me, but no-one has actually done anything yet.EDIT: Just realised that this was my 100th post!
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da_illest101
Well-known member
I don't know for others but I know that when I stare at others is because I'm lost in my train of thoughts therefore I'm only starring at something moving blindly without paying attention to the person ( lol)
or I find that person really good looking, when I don't like something i don't stare at it
or I find that person really good looking, when I don't like something i don't stare at it
ValentineSnow
Member
I get stared at all the time, probably because I'm too different and don't fit in to any box or group.
In my town, being different seems to be frowned upon, it's like, if you don't fit into a certain mould or follow the crowd, then you're near enough an outcast. I'm about as different as it gets, I have multiple piercings, ever changing hair colour (currently shaved to repair bleach damage, but it was rainbow), and I'm a very androgynous girl.
A lot of the time it's older people who stare, but I have no clue why, maybe they feel threatened or something. But I get a lot of comments from teens and such, either to ask if I'm a boy or girl or just to insult me. I find it hard to go out alone because of it and often walk with my head down and music turned up high, so I don't really notice much.
In my town, being different seems to be frowned upon, it's like, if you don't fit into a certain mould or follow the crowd, then you're near enough an outcast. I'm about as different as it gets, I have multiple piercings, ever changing hair colour (currently shaved to repair bleach damage, but it was rainbow), and I'm a very androgynous girl.
A lot of the time it's older people who stare, but I have no clue why, maybe they feel threatened or something. But I get a lot of comments from teens and such, either to ask if I'm a boy or girl or just to insult me. I find it hard to go out alone because of it and often walk with my head down and music turned up high, so I don't really notice much.
ScaredToBreathe
Well-known member
yea i get satred at a lot, and i know what you mean about it being so rude and annoying. and i get stared at EVERYWHERE, whether it be in a small building, big building, car, crowd, out walking in public...
especially older people and middle-aged guys stare a lot i find. they look like creepy pervs lol. and the city i live in is full of creepers and people with f**king staring problems. my friends get stared at all the time too and it pisses them of so much
the only people i dont mind staring at me so much are babies and little kids because they're just so cute and innocent and curious and probably off in their own little world, so if a little kid is staring i dont mind so much and ill just smile at them. but as for everyone else, they should know better, so i get the idea when they're staring at me they're judging me or thinking something perverted or purposely trying to make me uncomfortable or something haha
especially older people and middle-aged guys stare a lot i find. they look like creepy pervs lol. and the city i live in is full of creepers and people with f**king staring problems. my friends get stared at all the time too and it pisses them of so much
the only people i dont mind staring at me so much are babies and little kids because they're just so cute and innocent and curious and probably off in their own little world, so if a little kid is staring i dont mind so much and ill just smile at them. but as for everyone else, they should know better, so i get the idea when they're staring at me they're judging me or thinking something perverted or purposely trying to make me uncomfortable or something haha
MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
I don't get started at, at all... ever. Well okay, kids stare at me.
Kids and babies stare at me, which is pretty normal for a baby to stare at someone. But, I agree that kind of thing can be awkward. Mostly because it's like, "um, hiii?" And then the parents look at the baby and then look at you and then look at the baby. I always feel the most judged when something like that happens. Really crazy irrational thoughts about what the parent is thinking.
However, as far as grown up people, I don't get stared at. I'd say 99 times out of a 100 someone is staring at you because they think you're hot. My cousin recently had food surgery (she's 13) and she had to hop around the store with a walker. Sometimes people looked, but it wasn't out right blatant staring. She was definitely different from everyone else in the public place, but really, no one cared. Some people might look over but then they'd just look away.
Sometimes I see someone hot and I just stare. Sometimes I don't even realize what I am doing. Sometimes I am spacing out and I just happen to be facing someone's general direction. Usually I am admiring how good looking a person is, it is absolutely nothing negative.
Kids and babies stare at me, which is pretty normal for a baby to stare at someone. But, I agree that kind of thing can be awkward. Mostly because it's like, "um, hiii?" And then the parents look at the baby and then look at you and then look at the baby. I always feel the most judged when something like that happens. Really crazy irrational thoughts about what the parent is thinking.
However, as far as grown up people, I don't get stared at. I'd say 99 times out of a 100 someone is staring at you because they think you're hot. My cousin recently had food surgery (she's 13) and she had to hop around the store with a walker. Sometimes people looked, but it wasn't out right blatant staring. She was definitely different from everyone else in the public place, but really, no one cared. Some people might look over but then they'd just look away.
Sometimes I see someone hot and I just stare. Sometimes I don't even realize what I am doing. Sometimes I am spacing out and I just happen to be facing someone's general direction. Usually I am admiring how good looking a person is, it is absolutely nothing negative.
yeah I styare at hot people too, but I am really talking about when you have body issue problems---you think your funny looking and then get stared at as though your a freak. THAT is very different than someone lookin at you cause they think your hot--THAT would be a fukin holiday from what i feel!
I went to that dentist today and wiated in the waiting room. There were some people there, but didn't feel stared at, but i can be so paranid from past experience was went through periods of severs shaking. it is like you are quaking/shaking and you feel people can see it. its horrible. It is really severe tension.
I went to that dentist today and wiated in the waiting room. There were some people there, but didn't feel stared at, but i can be so paranid from past experience was went through periods of severs shaking. it is like you are quaking/shaking and you feel people can see it. its horrible. It is really severe tension.