Father issues
- Thread starter evi
- Start date
Danfalc
Banned
I stopped speaking to my Dad,that was the best way to deal with it for me.I know you only get one Mum and Dad,but sometimes some people are just too toxic to be around.
I don't know how you feel about therapy,but maybe that's worth looking into.General therapy mainly deals with these sort of things if you feel it has had a big influence on you.
I don't know how you feel about therapy,but maybe that's worth looking into.General therapy mainly deals with these sort of things if you feel it has had a big influence on you.
EasySkankin
Well-known member
If I wasn't as nice as I am, I would've probably killed my father 
Lost Girl
Well-known member
I'm sorry you had to go through that evi, I hate that anyone has gone through any type of abuse from parents . My dad was emotionally and physically abusive also. I have tried to move on from that, and have a relationship with him as an adult, but he is still the same man as he always has been and probably always will be. The good moments with him are just too few and far between, he is still abusive, and still the same close-minded, judgmental, self-important bastardo that he has always been, just a horrible person that I wouldn't want to be around anyway. I haven't seen him in years.
. My dad was emotionally and physically abusive also. I have tried to move on from that, and have a relationship with him as an adult, but he is still the same man as he always has been and probably always will be. The good moments with him are just too few and far between, he is still abusive, and still the same close-minded, judgmental, self-important bastardo that he has always been, just a horrible person that I wouldn't want to be around anyway. I haven't seen him in years.
Lost Girl
Well-known member
I'll add, that even though I purposefully haven't contacted my dad in years, I still think of him a lot and have had anxiety attacks in the past when doing so. I have bad dreams about him almost every night - nothing scary, just him being there freaks me out, while dreams about murders and stuff, doesn't. He's still that 'scary monster' in my life. I don't know if that will ever change. I experience a lot of guilt because I don't see him, but I think that more than anything this guilt is because of how guilty he made me feel as a child, how much my existence ruined his life etc etc. I can't say that having him out of my my life has improved it any, honestly. I freak out over the thoughts he has about me, the things he says about me. He's a hateful person, and I know this extends to everyone for him, it still breaks my heart when I think of the things he has said to and about me.
Even though I'm still suffering in a way, I'm better off without him physically in my life. The only way having a relationship with him again would be a good thing is if he made some serious changes, but I know from experience that when he does change, it doesn't last long. I hate that he didn't try harder to stop his abusive ways, that he let it consume him. I can't forgive him for it, and I don't feel that I need to.
I wish you better luck with your father, evi. Just remember to look out for your own interests first and foremost I think. If it is too hard for you, and he isn't trying his hardest to mend his past mistakes, then I suggest that you kick him out of your life and try to move on.
Even though I'm still suffering in a way, I'm better off without him physically in my life. The only way having a relationship with him again would be a good thing is if he made some serious changes, but I know from experience that when he does change, it doesn't last long. I hate that he didn't try harder to stop his abusive ways, that he let it consume him. I can't forgive him for it, and I don't feel that I need to.
I wish you better luck with your father, evi. Just remember to look out for your own interests first and foremost I think. If it is too hard for you, and he isn't trying his hardest to mend his past mistakes, then I suggest that you kick him out of your life and try to move on.
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UnOccupied
Well-known member
I didnt read all the prior posts, but i can tell you one thing. After 20 years of being distant from both my parents, i finally opened up to my Mom. That was the easy part, because my Dad is the cause of everything wrong with my family. Given the boost of confidence and new insight and perspective i got from talking to my Mom, i cannot even imagine the things that will happen when i open up to my Dad. Its going to be one of the hardest things i will ever do, and i know this, but i figure before i run away from him, and dont let him in my adult life, i should at least tell him why i hate him so much, i think i owe him that...there he goes again, my Dad guilt tripping me without even being here. Man, he does crazy things to me, Fathers are a different breed. Anyways, my advice is to open up to him if you don't already. In my family everything is under the surface, and its so hurtful, and unattached, its so hard to explain. I know something crazy will happen when i tell my Dad i'm suicidal and hate him so much, and hes the cause of all my pain and loneliness, but i could care less at this point in life. Any chance i get to feel better, i will at least attempt to take.
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emerald_star733
Well-known member
yep.. can relate.. my dad was a very abusive/neglective alcoholic.. among worse things.. i am glad my mom got me away from him when i was 2... it sucked not having a dad.. but.. having one might have been a lot worse.. it just sucks when some people judge me based on my dads reputation (small town syndrome) when he wasn't even a part of my upbrining.. it's not fair, and the last thing i need is bs from judgemental people who are sitting pretty in their normal happy families.. anyway.. he has tried to turn his life around.. and i am a very forgiving soul.. however.. i will never.. forget. and then mom moved on to an even bigger jerk who made my life hell growing up.. so yea.. glad i am grown up now and far away from those memories.. the past sucks.. all i can do is be grateful none of the bad stuff is happening in the present, and try and create a healthy non toxic future.. i am human.. so i definately have my moments of not being ok.. but for the most part i try to be so i can be there for others.
Danfalc
Banned
I hope he isn't for your Mum's sake,but double hope he isn't for your sake.It's bad enough if he is,but making it blatantly obvious to you puts you in a horrible situation.
x000x
Well-known member
I still haven't been able to deal with my family issues yet because I have no money to leave and live on my own, away from them. I think the best thing to do is ignore the person that's causing you problems and hopefully they'll go away. It works for me most of the time, but not all the time. And when it doesn't work, then I don't know what to do.
Sandywolf
Member
I haven't talked to my dad in over 8 years. And we live together. If we walk near one another, we each step the seperate way to keep as much distance as possible. We never share eye contact, we never hug, I couldn't tell you the last time either of us said, "I love you." There's abusive things that I won't go into, but they're not important. I lived, so who cares.
The lack of a father figure only really bothers me when I think deeply on it, and at that point, I realize that all I really want is a dad. A real one. One I know loves me.
The best you could do I guess is put in the effort to make peace with your own father. Start small; idle chatting, gift-giving, random compliments and maybe a 'love you' every now and again. Then go big, although I couldn't help there.
The lack of a father figure only really bothers me when I think deeply on it, and at that point, I realize that all I really want is a dad. A real one. One I know loves me.
The best you could do I guess is put in the effort to make peace with your own father. Start small; idle chatting, gift-giving, random compliments and maybe a 'love you' every now and again. Then go big, although I couldn't help there.
My Dad is charming, goodlooking, compared to him most guys who wanted to date me (and some were pretty cute!) sort of go pale. He's chatty and communicative sometimes, has a great sense of humor (which we share, sometimes) and we both like singing.. I'm grateful for the talents he's given me.. Less so about the other things..
He is also the ultimate alpha male: stubborn, possessive, weird - Grandma thinks he might have onset of Alzheimer's or such, and that it would 'only get worse' while I think he may have (untreated and undiscovered and unadmitted) ADD/ADHD - like me and possibly Mom - it just explains so many things! (violent outbursts when we were little, impulsivity, having things to be done 'now now now', I think he's also workaholic and tough to be around sometimes..) It makes me a bit more understanding but sometimes he is just rude and thoughtless.. and can really insult a person, and then even not know about it, or say 'I was only kiddin'... Or he may try to make up for it with gifts or expect hugs (??) or pleasant behavior-??
He sometimes really exasperates us all (Mom too..) I've moved back in with parents after University and that was probably the worst decision I've ever done.. I thought I've changed, they've changed... but really they didn't.. We did clear some old misunderstandings and problems.. He apologized for some of the stuff, but he still believes kids must be hit 'if you love'em', and to not let 'em get out of hand etc. He wants grandkids but honestly I don't want to give him grandkids!! (I don't think they'd be safe around him? And to give them the 'gifts' of SA, shyness, bipolar-ish and such.. Though usually people are better as grandparents than as parents.. I'm not sure if I could be a better parent as I have huge deficits in how to communicate and re/act, even with all that I've learnt from the books and in workshops..)
There was a reason I was a shy kid. My Dad hates all criticism or expression of negative emotions. Even if it's about someone else, totally unrelated. Still. So it's much easier to just be quiet and not tell anything.. I was the 'dream kid' you see, quiet, undemanding, only suicidal.. lol.. (at times) and convinced everything was wrong with me, not with others..
I now feel stuck here, I do feel safe in a way, and it's cheaper and all, sometimes it's just soo annoying.. There are power struggles. Guilt trips. I do love'em both but we're just making each other miserable, we're too different!! Yet I cannot break away, somehow.. Not sure what to do...
They want me to earn money. And I want to earn it too. (To get away.) But in a way I also don't want to earn it, just to make'em miserable and 'punish' them. And yet I know how stupid it is to think this way..
It's the same about dating and marriage and maybe having kids. I truly have a bit of a phobia, but also cause they've been 'pushing' me, I don't want to do it.. What to do? I feel like such a mess sometimes...
And yet I feel much saner and 'stronger' than when I was a miserable kid..
(Trouble is if I get really happy Dad and I get into a fight. As if he can't see me happy and strong if I'm not this 'picture' he wanted me to be: with serious job/career, settled, with husband and kid/s. If I look really down and miserable he usually leaves me alone.. (?) Anyone experienced similar?
That may be another ADD/ADHD thing, the fights/quarrelling. Something with levels of serotonin or such if I remember it right. We feel better if a bit angry-?? It's very exhausting sometimes though. I barely have energy for anything else.. The quarrels and the nagging, yikes.. And the terrible/no time management.. And to think it would just get worse-? Yet I feel guilty and 'unsafe' at the thought of leaving.. Maybe it's the Stockholm syndrome-?? And I do know they wouldn't really intentionally hurt me (I think), it's just this incessant quarrelling and bickering, yikes..)
He is also the ultimate alpha male: stubborn, possessive, weird - Grandma thinks he might have onset of Alzheimer's or such, and that it would 'only get worse' while I think he may have (untreated and undiscovered and unadmitted) ADD/ADHD - like me and possibly Mom - it just explains so many things! (violent outbursts when we were little, impulsivity, having things to be done 'now now now', I think he's also workaholic and tough to be around sometimes..) It makes me a bit more understanding but sometimes he is just rude and thoughtless.. and can really insult a person, and then even not know about it, or say 'I was only kiddin'... Or he may try to make up for it with gifts or expect hugs (??) or pleasant behavior-??
He sometimes really exasperates us all (Mom too..) I've moved back in with parents after University and that was probably the worst decision I've ever done.. I thought I've changed, they've changed... but really they didn't.. We did clear some old misunderstandings and problems.. He apologized for some of the stuff, but he still believes kids must be hit 'if you love'em', and to not let 'em get out of hand etc. He wants grandkids but honestly I don't want to give him grandkids!! (I don't think they'd be safe around him? And to give them the 'gifts' of SA, shyness, bipolar-ish and such.. Though usually people are better as grandparents than as parents.. I'm not sure if I could be a better parent as I have huge deficits in how to communicate and re/act, even with all that I've learnt from the books and in workshops..)
There was a reason I was a shy kid. My Dad hates all criticism or expression of negative emotions. Even if it's about someone else, totally unrelated. Still. So it's much easier to just be quiet and not tell anything.. I was the 'dream kid' you see, quiet, undemanding, only suicidal.. lol.. (at times) and convinced everything was wrong with me, not with others..
I now feel stuck here, I do feel safe in a way, and it's cheaper and all, sometimes it's just soo annoying.. There are power struggles. Guilt trips. I do love'em both but we're just making each other miserable, we're too different!! Yet I cannot break away, somehow.. Not sure what to do...
They want me to earn money. And I want to earn it too. (To get away.) But in a way I also don't want to earn it, just to make'em miserable and 'punish' them. And yet I know how stupid it is to think this way..
It's the same about dating and marriage and maybe having kids. I truly have a bit of a phobia, but also cause they've been 'pushing' me, I don't want to do it.. What to do? I feel like such a mess sometimes...
And yet I feel much saner and 'stronger' than when I was a miserable kid..
(Trouble is if I get really happy Dad and I get into a fight. As if he can't see me happy and strong if I'm not this 'picture' he wanted me to be: with serious job/career, settled, with husband and kid/s. If I look really down and miserable he usually leaves me alone.. (?) Anyone experienced similar?
That may be another ADD/ADHD thing, the fights/quarrelling. Something with levels of serotonin or such if I remember it right. We feel better if a bit angry-?? It's very exhausting sometimes though. I barely have energy for anything else.. The quarrels and the nagging, yikes.. And the terrible/no time management.. And to think it would just get worse-? Yet I feel guilty and 'unsafe' at the thought of leaving.. Maybe it's the Stockholm syndrome-?? And I do know they wouldn't really intentionally hurt me (I think), it's just this incessant quarrelling and bickering, yikes..)
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UnOccupied
Well-known member
I hate the concept of fathers, and nurturing and all that BS. If only i had no father growing up, i feel i would be angry at my dad for not being there, but at least i wouldnt have had to deal with his verbal abuse my WHOLE LIFE, and his control, and judgement wich still plagues me. I HATE HIM, and i wish i never had anything to do with him. I wish he would be a man and just get out of my life, and stop pretending we have a good relationship. Fathers think they are always right, and dont let kids think for themselves. Its so crippling and unfair how we are stuck being controlled by one person our whole loves as guys. If only my mom had a big impact on me, shes such a good person. I have my moms sympathy, but my dads personality traits, and i hate myself for it, its so crippling, and i can't escape his faults. AHHHHH
Felgen
Well-known member
My father never abused me, but he used to fill me with crazy sh!t about why I should be shallow when it comes to girls, how everyone from Somalia is like this, how everyone of the sami people is like that and so on. When I was old enough to debunk what grown-ups told me, I realized that he was full of bullsh!t. Hw would also fill me with stuff to break my self-esteem on how I inherited the bad genes from both sites, how lazy I was, that I "didn't want to be with other people" and stuff like that. When I was with my ex-girlfriend (she was quite pretty), he also acted as if I owed it to him to get married and have kids right away, because of how my girlfriend looked.
IamThisOne
Well-known member
When I get around my dad all he wants to do is talk about his problems. How he doesn't get much work, how he doesn't care about life anymore. I can't stand to hear that crap when I have my own negative thoughts to control. If I spend a lot of time with him he ends up hollering at me a lot. Everything has to be his way. If I try to talk to him about something it is either he doesn't listen, doesn't care, or just gets mad.
I deal with by avoiding him as much as possible.
I deal with by avoiding him as much as possible.
