Eye contact 'hell'

[cobalt_bluester]

Hi. I have this BIG problem with eye contact. It's not just looking people in the eye that's the problem, it's knowing how and where my eyes are looking. For instance, when I try and look someone in the eye the eye contact seems to distort and I just can't take both eyes in at once despite trying my best it just won't happen. It's like my eyes won't fill in the gaps. It feels like I am going partially blind on something it's difficult to describe.

What I think has happened is that my involuntary eye motor movements have become corrupted due to an extreme over awareness of how and where my eyes are moving and what they are taking in. So for me, it is not just that eye contact is difficult, it is also unatural and a very fearful thing indeed. In actual fact, the problem has now gotten so bad that I am in a constant state of depression and anxiety and I have been thinking about ending it all as it's just too hard to try and cope with.

I was wondering if anyone else had experienced a similar thing and any coping strategies they have used. I really do need your help as I just can't cope anymore with this.

Yours,
Richard

 

[SoScared]

Hi, there are lots of people with eye contact/gaze issues on this forum so you are not alone in this. Its something that you can probably overcome but it will take some practice and relaxation. How about doing a bit of practice such as asking shopkeepers the price of something or ask somebody in the street for directions. This means that you exchange a few words and the interaction will not last for long and you have an easy exit when the short conversation finishes; and see how it goes. Try it in a place that you don't normally go so that you will never meet these people again so there would be no reason to have raised stress levels.

 

[VitalSign]

I know how you feel,ive never been able to look people in the eye..i always involuntarily look away and if i do look them in the eye i can only look at one then my eyes start to water..i seem to focus on the color more than anything..i havnt found any coping strategies except for wearing sunglasses and avoiding looking at their face all together..but i hope you find a way to make this easier for yourself..good luck

 

[Srijita52]

If you're not used to looking people in the eye, it can seem extremly unnatural. The only way to get better at it is to practise. Try to take baby steps. Maybe as a first step exchange a few glances with people you're comfortable with then look away, try to make longer eye contacts as you get better. Try looking people in the eye while you're listening to them first, as opposed to talking to them. But don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[R3K]

are you trying to look them in both eyes directly at the same time? cause that's not really good for your eyes and you have to actually "uncross" your eyes a little from their normal focusing angle to do that, unless you're staring pointblank nose-to-nose with the person.

x = your eyes, y = their eyes, * = nose, --- vision pathing

X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y
*
X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y

^this is what it sounds like you're trying to do, and it's not good for your eyes.

when you're really pro at eye contact you kinda bounce back and forth between their eyes (one at a time)

X--
------
---------
X-------->Y

^this is good

or what i've begun to do (i'm not a pro eye contact person,) is glance at their right eye for about half a second to let them know i'm not an impolite conversationalist or something, then i use a bunch of exagerated facial expressions and gestures: stroke my go-tea contemplatively, stare up at the clouds like i'm thinking deeply about what they're saying.

 

[Foxface]

I have eye contact porblems becuase of my Autism. It is common for with with Autism/Asperger's to have eye contact problem. I don't know why. I find it's worse when I'm wearing glasses.

 

[mikebird]

My first to be told about this was in written advice from recruiter firms, over the last decade, for interviews. I followed it. Surprised to be jumped on by various psychologists after hospital rehab - while they finished the first meeting, I was congratulated for doing it. Well.. is it a 'professional' thing? Bit simple, immature requisite? Yeah.. looking away means you're not interested, or lazy? What all offices mean to me is: back to the school playground.

What hit the most, was moving up the chain of secondary school, A-levels, uni, progression of learning things. My first day in an office, after a student in jeans, then I didn't mind a shirt, tie, cufflinx and suit. It felt like having to 'get on' with 5-year-olds, throwing paper balls, erasers an paperclips around, and... giggling

Regret of not being in the army

Among friends you can look elsewhere? Do ball games require eye gaze? Tennis, squash, football, cricket, snooker? Look at the ball... or look at the dartboard.

What's the eye game?

Yep. Everyone looks at everyone: different age, height, sex, clothes... glance, look away. Uhhhmmm. We don't have a law for that... No crime to look at people. I like the etiquette on underground tube trains. I was about 23 when I got used to it. Good. Not much staring, or dating...

BUT there's a big difference from being in a room to talk 1-1 or some others. I just look at 'em. I don't wanna twist my neck like a water bird, owl or giraffe, or shake my head like a wet dog.

It's outdoors, with oncoming zombies. Feels like nothing but a threat. Strangers - what's the point? Happier in the car. Hands and feet to communicate. The car doesn't look at me. It's my best friend. I stroke the wheel.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

Still having horrible problems with eye contact it's the route of all my depression, stress and anxiety. Nothing I do seems to work, I have tried looking at the eyebrows and the bridge of the nose etc but this hasn't fixed it. I don't know what to do I feel so desperate now, life is just too much hassle and I don't knopw how much more of this I can take I really don't.

 

[Jolima07]

I read in a book (written by attorneys who have experience in choosing jury members, based upon 1st impressions), that most people are uncomfortable with eye contact at first.

BUT the trick is: Shift your gaze in a 'triangle' pattern...Look at one of the their eyes for a second, then their nose, then the other eye, etc. This helped me.

Just don't look at their mouth, because that is more noticeable and has sexual connotations.

 

[Jolima07]

are you trying to look them in both eyes directly at the same time? cause that's not really good for your eyes and you have to actually "uncross" your eyes a little from their normal focusing angle to do that, unless you're staring pointblank nose-to-nose with the person.

x = your eyes, y = their eyes, * = nose, --- vision pathing

X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y
*
X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y

^this is what it sounds like you're trying to do, and it's not good for your eyes.

when you're really pro at eye contact you kinda bounce back and forth between their eyes (one at a time)

X--
------
---------
X-------->Y

^this is good

or what i've begun to do (i'm not a pro eye contact person,) is glance at their right eye for about half a second to let them know i'm not an impolite conversationalist or something, then i use a bunch of exagerated facial expressions and gestures: stroke my go-tea contemplatively, stare up at the clouds like i'm thinking deeply about what they're saying.

^ This is awesomely technical lol. Actually, I have a tendency to do that bottom statement. For some reason, I have a hard time looking at someone when I am trying to recall information, or explain something technical. It's like I need a blank canvas to stare at in order to picture what I'm describing. But when I am just having a 'friendly'/ personal conversation, I can really engage in eye contact...It feels more natural.

 

[theslowesthand]

BUT the trick is: Shift your gaze in a 'triangle' pattern...Look at one of the their eyes for a second, then their nose, then the other eye, etc

Exactly. En---Ra---Ha

 

[laure15]

are you trying to look them in both eyes directly at the same time? cause that's not really good for your eyes and you have to actually "uncross" your eyes a little from their normal focusing angle to do that, unless you're staring pointblank nose-to-nose with the person.

x = your eyes, y = their eyes, * = nose, --- vision pathing

X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y
*
X---(3 to 5 feet)--->Y

^this is what it sounds like you're trying to do, and it's not good for your eyes.

I think you're onto something here. We should focus on one thing at a time, not on multiple things at the same time. Trying to look at 2 eyeballs at the same time can feel very uncomfortable like you're drilling holes into the other person's eyes.

I read in a book (written by attorneys who have experience in choosing jury members, based upon 1st impressions), that most people are uncomfortable with eye contact at first.

BUT the trick is: Shift your gaze in a 'triangle' pattern...Look at one of the their eyes for a second, then their nose, then the other eye, etc. This helped me.

Just don't look at their mouth, because that is more noticeable and has sexual connotations.

Finally, a practical advice that I can use. I will give this a try.

 

[rosewood]

.... have you tried wearing sunglasses so they cant see you making eye contact with them?
when i am wearing sumglasses i am more relaxed and dont worry about eye contact as much

 

[conscious_mindz]

I have the same issue with eye contact, i feel as if i make eye contact with someone i will make them feel uneasy so i tend to stare at the floor, its got that bad for me that i wear clear lens / fashion glasses just so i can put them on & hide behind them, i am depressed & anxious & my eyes show that, so i feel if i look at anyone they will see the turmoil going on inside me, even my own family i struggle to make eye contact with, i just know i make people uneasy by making eye contact with them so i hide behind my glasses & try to avoid eye contact the best i can

 

[Jolima07]

.... have you tried wearing sunglasses so they cant see you making eye contact with them?
when i am wearing sumglasses i am more relaxed and dont worry about eye contact as much

LOL - I wish I could do this when I am presenting at a staff meeting. Can you imagine someone in a business suit and sunglasses at the front of the room?

 

[Jolima07]

I think you're onto something here. We should focus on one thing at a time, not on multiple things at the same time. Trying to look at 2 eyeballs at the same time can feel very uncomfortable like you're drilling holes into the other person's eyes.



Finally, a practical advice that I can use. I will give this a try.

Thank you

 

[cobalt_bluester]

This whole eye contact thing is getting me so very depressed, I can't seem to improve it no matter what I do it is a constant stressor. I have had this problem for so long now that I don't think I can overcome it. It's ruining my life and I don't understand why it is possible to get such problems in the first place it makes no sense at all!

 

[mikebird]

I like the sunglasses point.

I decided on this when I was 15. Always put shades away, and hat if it blocks view because it's not friendly to hide during conversation

AND... THIS IS EQUIVALENT TO THE TELEPHONE!! Recruiters or any person uses the phone call to hide in secrecy, behind an object in a room when you have a gun fight. Including the hang up.

Shades are to protect your valuable eyes from bright sun, or flies when riding a bike fast

I now have a long-term self-taught method forever, to swap between people if there's more than one. I concentrate on the main person (Manager) and try to distribute my gaze equally across two, three... the underdog, HR person, etc.. requiring more effort... aware of their projected understanding, if they show a lack of interest with their body language, looking down or away. My gaze is to show an attitude of holding a knife at the throat, pressing assertively other than the voice or hand gestures. :question: :idontknow:

nodding, and looking at the underdog to scope their feelings

Leaning forward, tapping on the desk, looking down, then back into the eyes. This is better than my usual furious rants, trying to maintain gentleness

 

[SilentAndShy]

I'm trying to improve my eye contact by practising when there are less people around. I drop my niece to school in the mornings, a little bit earlier than the other kids, and there are less people around. So if someone is walking towards me, I've tried to make eye contact and utter out Good Morning. I've had about two positive responses so maybe think of a point in your schedule where there are likely to be less people around and plan an experiment, see how it goes. Try this and then you can work your up.

 

[cobalt_bluester]

I think my problem is that I am overanalyzing the whole eye contact process and it is no longer automated, relaxed and natural as it ought to be. It's really badly messing up my life and affecting everything I do, I don't understand how it got to be such a monster of a problem!! I think I am going to have to just try and live with it, and somehow try to stop obsessing about it so much.