Extreme Anxiety When Buying...

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TJBumbico

New member
Hello my name is TJ I am 29 years old. I am married with a wonderful 19month old daughter.

I never thought I had any type of anxiety, I have no problem talking to people. In the past I have had to speak in front of large crowds, high ranking people and I also never had an issue talking to a "pretty girl".

I have never really felt out of place in any crowd and I have always been able to fit in - no matter what the situation.

I have no problems buying for my wife or my daughter. I can buy them anything and never bat an eye or think twice. However, when it comes to myself, I get extremely anxious when I attempt to buy ANYTHING. The situation doesn't matter, it can be a $1 item or a $1000 item, it can be a want or a need, I can have plenty of money in the bank and have no worries financially but yet I can't buy for myself. I get a pain/tightness in my chest, I get short with my wife, I get irritable and I want to leave the store. My wife has to sneak out and buy me things without me knowing.

In the event that I do buy something for myself - I instantly have buyers remorse. "That money could have been used elsewhere - I could have spent it on my family or saved it." I make really good money, we do not struggle so the financial aspect is not the issue.

Things I tried:

-Exposure therapy: We have tried to force purchases of very small things, I still get anxiety and buyers remorse and often return the items.
-Online Shopping: We thought maybe if I purchased it without hold the item or being in the store that it wouldn't bother me. WRONG it was 10x worse I had the anticipation of anxiety while the item was being shipped.

*Note* I get a little less anxiety when I spend money on a certain video game that I like. I still get some of the anxiety, but it is forced to go away because I can't get a refund.

If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Also, is this a medical condition that has a name? I would like to do research if at all possible.

Thank you.
-TJ
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
I sort of experience a similar condition. I have no trouble buying stuff for other people but for myself, I have a habit of suppressing my needs,until recently. Did you grow up in a family where money is a big issue and/or you were taught to save frequently? I ask because I was taught to be very resourceful and stringent with money very early on. I carried this habit on to adulthood where I'd get called out for being cheap.
 
MollyBeGood

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Not to make light of the OP at all but when I first read the thread title, I thought it said "Extreme anxiety when Bullying" and I was floored by the thought of an anxious-bully wanting advice on how to be less so when harming others.....it's been a long couple of days, sorry.
 
Diend

Diend

Well-known member
Alcohol and antidepressants has helped me feel calm during an originally anxious event. Although these measure have consequences, they work.
 
R3K

R3K

Well-known member
instead of buying a static, self-gift type of thing (plasma screen tv, video game, golfclubs) buy hobby-oriented things that require time and effort to fulfill. do you and your family have some kind of shared interest you could invest in?
 
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TJBumbico

New member
Thank you all for your responses!
@kihira - I don't know what that is, will have to look it up.
@Jaim38 - I left home at an early age (14) and I have been on my own every since. I suppose you are forced to be resourceful at that point. My up bringing was in a lower class household for the most part, but even then I saved my money and never wanted to spend it on myself. I suppose there is one event I can recall that did traumatize me in regards to money. At ~9 maybe 10 I had saved up about $120 which was quite a bit. My mother stole the money and bought my brother and I a Sega Genesis. I didn't realize the money was gone for several weeks, but I know my parents did not have the money to buy it. Maybe that could a root cause?
@Mollybegood - that is absolutely hilarious!!! I instantly laughed when reading that and began picturing it as a movie. Like a kid whose dad was a bully and wanted him to follow in the family food steps? LOL
@Diend - I don't drink and I am not a depressed person - I don't think those would solve my issue but thank you.
@R3K - My wife and I are both into photography but I let it be her thing solely. I love buying her accessories and lenses for her Nikon D5100. I enjoy using the camera and all, but I prefer to leave that be hers. Our other common interest in our daughter - easy to spend money on her. Like I said originally I have no problem spending on them - I can't even buy myself shoes or jeans.

Thanks to everyone.

I would really like some more input.
 
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TJBumbico

New member
Does anyone else have any information on what may be happening with me? I tried a few excursions this weekend and failed to buy what I wanted again.

I was able to go to the Casino with my wife and spend (lose) money without feeling bad, but I couldn't buy a $12 shirt I liked.

Any advice?
 
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w*n*c*a*m

Well-known member
How about you ask somebody you trusted to buy for you? Will that help? I usually have that moment when I go shopping but not to the extent that I get anxious... maybe more of I feel frustrated for being so indecisive.

One time, I went out with my friends and because I am hesitant to spend despite of having the money for it, I just asked one of them to be my moneykeeper. So whenever I feel like buying, I just tell it to that friend. It worked for me.
 
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Lavinialuna

Well-known member
I don't think what you are dealing with is anything as serious as what I'm about to mention, but I once did some research on hoarding and people living in squalor (because someone I know does this) and it said that sometimes people who live in squalor do so because deep down they feel so lowly about themselves that they don't believe they deserve any better. Now, take this up the scale to a much smaller problem like yours and you might say you have no problem with your family spending because they "deserve" it but in your own case, maybe you have deep rooted self esteem issues and don't believe you deserve nice things? Or maybe you are just really thrifty and hate wasting money? I know I make tons of sacrifices so my kids can have better.
It's interesting. Of course I hope I don't offend, I don't know anything about you (or the state of your self worth, lol!) but just throwing out a theory.
Some things just don't make any sense. I have a friend who developed a fear of riding in cars for no good reason (she could think of.) Just one day started having panic attacks. Sometimes things don't make sense, we just find ways to cope and keep moving forward.
 
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TJBumbico

New member
@w*n*c*a*m Thank you for the response. I am not sure that would help my problem, but it is worth a try. I am usually not indecisive. I typically know what I want.

@Lavinialuna Thank you, you did not offend me in any way. I have pretty good self esteem. I have never been too down about my looks. I had some issues when I was younger with not having anything that I wanted/needed, but I had a phase at 18-20 when I had everything I wanted/needed that I call my "make up phase"

The more I think and talk these things out, I find that maybe it comes from the lack of possessions as a child and then the excess of possessions when I became an adult. Maybe I burned myself out.

I would like to find some answers on how to overcome this. It's been a struggle in my life for years now and it's becoming worse.
 
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alxbkr

Well-known member
Since you can only buy things not for you, why not think of the thing you're buying as for the family?
 
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