NightTimeForever
Well-known member
I've been consume with this sense of fatalism for awhile now, it's depressing because at this age I'm unlikely to change. Anyone else feel the same (well, of course there are plenty, but speak up!).
Do you feel that you'll never improve?
- Thread starter NightTimeForever
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OceanMist
Well-known member
I believe it's very possible that I never will improve. In fact, I think the odds are in that favor.
Enjoying life is all about being relaxed, and I can't do that. I've been doing muscle relaxation exercises, but I don't know if that's going to work. If I had to guess from my experience, I'd lean towards no.
I'm 27, so I'm not that young anymore and still have substantial problems. I am unhappy practically everywhere I go, and the only joy I get are in short bursts from playing video games, gambling or drinking, all things that have nothing to do with people or friends. I've been stuck in this gear for about 5 years now, and things have only gotten worse in the social department.
Every day that goes by is just a constant struggle of getting through it. I don't even like life anymore. In fact, I don't like living. It sucks. I don't like talking to people in most cases, and I also hate being by myself most of the time. I don't hate me, I just hate my anxiety and how it controls my life. I hate being me.
Life has turned into more of just a constant search for something to do to pass the time, rather than a life of enjoyment. The only thing that even keeps me alive is survival instinct, God, family and the thought that maybe things will improve. My life is mostly just a long suffering session, though. I'm so used to being in pain that it feels normal by now.
Enjoying life is all about being relaxed, and I can't do that. I've been doing muscle relaxation exercises, but I don't know if that's going to work. If I had to guess from my experience, I'd lean towards no.
I'm 27, so I'm not that young anymore and still have substantial problems. I am unhappy practically everywhere I go, and the only joy I get are in short bursts from playing video games, gambling or drinking, all things that have nothing to do with people or friends. I've been stuck in this gear for about 5 years now, and things have only gotten worse in the social department.
Every day that goes by is just a constant struggle of getting through it. I don't even like life anymore. In fact, I don't like living. It sucks. I don't like talking to people in most cases, and I also hate being by myself most of the time. I don't hate me, I just hate my anxiety and how it controls my life. I hate being me.
Life has turned into more of just a constant search for something to do to pass the time, rather than a life of enjoyment. The only thing that even keeps me alive is survival instinct, God, family and the thought that maybe things will improve. My life is mostly just a long suffering session, though. I'm so used to being in pain that it feels normal by now.
lauralaurent
Active member
I know I can never change... even though everyone wants me to
Azael
Well-known member
Most of the time I have a strong conflict between hope and defeatism, constantly flitting between the two. Either that or extreme depression in my low periods or extreme highs where I feel I can conquer anything. So I won't say that I never think I'll improve, it's more cyclic then that.
theslowesthand
Banned
Used to be like this, but after so many years of the "emotional rollercoster" of hope<-->hopeless I seem to now have neither, a sort of middle-ground. So i never really feel that hopeful about things improving, but neither do i ever feel totally hopeless either. I dont know if its entirely rational to feel like this, but i do know i'm less irrational than before
Azael
Well-known member
Even after twelve and a half years, I will never totally abandon some level of hope, it isn't in my nature. However, the past two years have had no high points, too many external factors that I cannot free myself from.
BlueDays
1
^I kind of feel like this.
I have improved and then regressed so many times over the years, that I feel that any future improvement will not last, just as previous the ones didn't.
However, I in no way believe that will be the case with anyone else suffering from SA, as it's different for everyone.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
Sometimes I do think that way, and that they will actually get much worse. I don't believe it though. It's just possible for me to be alive in 10 years without any improvements, so I know they'll come.
I feel I'll change over time, somethings will improve and somethings will go in the opposite direction. Of course how many things change for the better depends solely on me and how much I want the changes.
I feel I'll change over time, somethings will improve and somethings will go in the opposite direction. Of course how many things change for the better depends solely on me and how much I want the changes.
lonely_drummer
Well-known member
Lea
Banned
Btw "fatalist", that describes me well too. Was just thinking about it the other day.
I do think so, yes. I'm 20 years old and i've finished College and have zero friends. All the big friend-making "platforms" i've ****ed up (highschool, college, the friendships i had when being on vacation abroad) and now I'm sitting here alone, 2 years after the graduation-party itself that i never went to. My last shot would be friends on the job itself that i get, but that would need extreme luck for them to be in my age AND me actually not feeling this terrible anxiety about socializing, feeling this strange thing that I'm in some kind of prison and always worrying about someone bullying me. I have problems with taking a joke and always think people are "out to get me". I don't even have a real notion on when it's actual herassment and when it's just joking.
On top of this **** i have parents who both have ****ed with me in different ways. My father being an abusive douchebag who never cares if i feel angry, depressed or whatever, thinking that it's just "young foolishness", never that he's actually guilty. He has always called me names and used to smack me around. Now when i hate him he has the nerve to say "you used to be easier when you was a kid". The thing is that their failed parenting never managed to make me a good kid, the failure of this leading him to beat my ass, scream at me and call me names. It was easy then because i hadn't realized that i have every reason in the world to hate him. Also he has this ugly tendency to talk to me like his dissapointed, saying like "my son, my son, your time is just going and your doing nothing", really pushing me down by reminding constantly reminding me on how i'm doing nothing, how i've accomplished nothing. Another time that is also recent is when i was walking in my dreams he started to scream at me, not realizing that i can't control this and how scary it is to just be woken out of a dream like that. I screamed back at him and the next day my mother had the nerve to actually say that he was hurt and had been crying. She never thought it was wrong that he screamed at me however.
The last sentence basically sums my mother up, hitting the nail on the head on what her problem is. She has never really found anything wrong with his behaviour and despite the fact that he has lashed out on her by screaming, she has always managed to find excuses for his behaviour. She also keeps telling me to call my friends despite the fact that i tell her OVER AND OVER that i don't have any (i know people but they are unloyal and don't give a **** about me, something i've told her but she keeps referring to them and telling me to call). She keeps telling me to go out and do something despite the fact that i've told her multiple times there's nothing to do. She telles me stupid **** like "take your bike and ride around", me responding over and over that it's not very fun to do. She also treats me like an infant by calling me "her sunshine, world, whatever" despite the fact that i've lashed out more than once that she should stop. Yet she sticks it to me like she loves making me angry.
To sum it all up, i don't have any future. The only thing driving me at this point is to make them realize how much i've suffered, hopefully making them suffer aswell. I've also ignored them both for multiple months and not said a word to either one despite living in the same house. It's killing me inside but my hate keeps giving me power to keep bucking.
On top of this **** i have parents who both have ****ed with me in different ways. My father being an abusive douchebag who never cares if i feel angry, depressed or whatever, thinking that it's just "young foolishness", never that he's actually guilty. He has always called me names and used to smack me around. Now when i hate him he has the nerve to say "you used to be easier when you was a kid". The thing is that their failed parenting never managed to make me a good kid, the failure of this leading him to beat my ass, scream at me and call me names. It was easy then because i hadn't realized that i have every reason in the world to hate him. Also he has this ugly tendency to talk to me like his dissapointed, saying like "my son, my son, your time is just going and your doing nothing", really pushing me down by reminding constantly reminding me on how i'm doing nothing, how i've accomplished nothing. Another time that is also recent is when i was walking in my dreams he started to scream at me, not realizing that i can't control this and how scary it is to just be woken out of a dream like that. I screamed back at him and the next day my mother had the nerve to actually say that he was hurt and had been crying. She never thought it was wrong that he screamed at me however.
The last sentence basically sums my mother up, hitting the nail on the head on what her problem is. She has never really found anything wrong with his behaviour and despite the fact that he has lashed out on her by screaming, she has always managed to find excuses for his behaviour. She also keeps telling me to call my friends despite the fact that i tell her OVER AND OVER that i don't have any (i know people but they are unloyal and don't give a **** about me, something i've told her but she keeps referring to them and telling me to call). She keeps telling me to go out and do something despite the fact that i've told her multiple times there's nothing to do. She telles me stupid **** like "take your bike and ride around", me responding over and over that it's not very fun to do. She also treats me like an infant by calling me "her sunshine, world, whatever" despite the fact that i've lashed out more than once that she should stop. Yet she sticks it to me like she loves making me angry.
To sum it all up, i don't have any future. The only thing driving me at this point is to make them realize how much i've suffered, hopefully making them suffer aswell. I've also ignored them both for multiple months and not said a word to either one despite living in the same house. It's killing me inside but my hate keeps giving me power to keep bucking.
2QuietForThem
Well-known member
I think I'll SLIGHTLY improve. Maybe one day I won't get so tongue-tied. I'll never be the life of the party or "be the first one picked on a team", but I've made it this far in life. I guess I'll be ok.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Hey NightTime,
Sometimes I feel like we have to surrender (almost like alcoholics in AA) to the situation in order to move on. If we see one path of life as a changed, disease free life, and a second path as DEATH! then that's way too much pressure for somebody to take on. Maybe this is a time to give up on the idea of getting better. I know that sounds crazy. But maybe this is a time to give up on these things, surrender to your position in life, and with this you'll start being in the now more. Then you can start with something little, like just taking a walk every day, and there will be no pressure to do it right because you have surrendered. I feel like this could kind of mock a near death experience, in the sense that when a person has given up and taken down their guard, they put less pressure on what life IS right now and have more energy for the moment. Use this energy to see all the ways you can use it in the moment.
Sometimes I feel like we have to surrender (almost like alcoholics in AA) to the situation in order to move on. If we see one path of life as a changed, disease free life, and a second path as DEATH! then that's way too much pressure for somebody to take on. Maybe this is a time to give up on the idea of getting better. I know that sounds crazy. But maybe this is a time to give up on these things, surrender to your position in life, and with this you'll start being in the now more. Then you can start with something little, like just taking a walk every day, and there will be no pressure to do it right because you have surrendered. I feel like this could kind of mock a near death experience, in the sense that when a person has given up and taken down their guard, they put less pressure on what life IS right now and have more energy for the moment. Use this energy to see all the ways you can use it in the moment.
Falkor
1
I guess that's the real factor what's bothering you to change. Your mind saying that you can't improve, or maybe a little, but not the whole part that you wanna change. You all have to change that fact. I know I have too, just realise... If we'll keep on saying that we never improve we never get the damn progress what we are fighting for so hard, just realise this.... Hard reality check, it is, and since we're pretty down to earth all here, you guys would probably say, yep..
Let's change, and say. YES I can improve, because I want it so bad.
And after you realised that, it comes to making plans, like quiting things whom will never make you happy and stop this endless routine. Let's do what we all wish for. I know it's scary. But we should beat this friggin' bastard.
I know I probably sound like an Ex-SocialPhobia but I am to the point of breaking through this crapcase of all. I don't wanna live like that any longer so that's make it a better way of living.
Let's change, and say. YES I can improve, because I want it so bad.
And after you realised that, it comes to making plans, like quiting things whom will never make you happy and stop this endless routine. Let's do what we all wish for. I know it's scary. But we should beat this friggin' bastard.
I know I probably sound like an Ex-SocialPhobia but I am to the point of breaking through this crapcase of all. I don't wanna live like that any longer so that's make it a better way of living.
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eternalnewb
Well-known member
I feel that I may improve slightly in the future, but that will depend on how much I push myself. I find it so hard to challenge the way my mind thinks because it is all I have ever known. When I try to change or do things I normally wouldn't fear overwhelms me and I retreat. So I will most likely continue to live the way I am now, which is not great but not so bad either.
I really don't think I'll improve. This will be my forth year working. And I am still the childish person I was. Problems getting along with colleagues, suppliers etc. Nothing's changed really. There's been no improvement, lately things have been worse because I am doing a job I have not been equip to deal with. Still the loser I once was, with no relief in sight. It doesn't seem to bother my family either, they have neither cared nor offered help of any kind. Just struggling and barely surviving, exhausted physically and mentally with no way out. What really pisses me off is I never ever get a break ever.