For years I used a number of gay chat sites - I could be on there 22 hours a day and have 2 hours sleep. There were people who could be very mean on there, and I didn't seem to be making any friends. I no a man isn't supposed to cry (so we've been taught), but I would cry a lot because I felt so lonely... I made some a gay friend but he started cheating on his partner and it got rather complicated so I left him and another friend after a couple of years of meeting them - they were my main friends, and I was left with a guy who made friends of my weight, my fun of where I was studying, made fun of people with disabilities... So it was a lonely time for me, and yes I did cry. I saw a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with social phobia in 2001 (I'd just left my job and had attempted suicide) - one of the things to change was I stopped using chat sites (or wouldn't talk to people) - I'd only reply to them if they privated me. I have also noticed I don't cry as much as I used to.. the last time was at a staff Xmas luncheon - one of my uni coordinators had sent me an email i wasn't supposed to see and it put me in a very bad light.. I broke down at the table in front of my boss - it felt so embarrassing.
I have avoided meetings with other staff outside my library unit.. One library friend seemed disappointed I wouldn't go - there were about 5 or 6 parties and I thought I'd feel all alone despite having talked with many of those people. There is one woman in the library I know doesn't like me and I feel this probably is why I don't go.
I find DVDs mainly have filled the emotional emptiness, but it is still there.... I don't call my gay friends (because I always get the impression I am disturbing them or they always appear busy. One gay friend (now living in Sydney) was supposed to visit me over Xmas - he was three blocks away from where I live, and he didn't SMS or reply to my SMS once, except when he was on the train returning to Sydney. I can't consider him a friend any longer and this was all today. When he visited my house he said it was messy (coming unannounced) and that really upset me, especially my self-esteem.
There are moments I really want to cry, but I think I've now accepted my situation, and realise I probably will never have people in my life.
Peter