Carstuar
Well-known member
Brace yourselves. This is going to be one self-sentered and whiny post.
I'm going to start out by saying how much I hate that I suck at expressing my feelings with words. This much: |-----------|
It'll probably take me 1-2 hours just to write this post, and the end result will still not be 100% accurate.
I've grown tired of all my music. My taste in music is very limited. I like a few bands alot, and a few songs from other artists, but that's it. I like to listen to my music every waking hour, unless I'm watching a video/TV show/Movie. I very rarely like something if someone pushes it onto me. When people tell me about songs or artists they think I should try out, I usually just automatically hate them.
I know this is a very destructive way of thinking, but what can I do about it? lol
Just now, I realized that I hardly ever laugh anymore. "lol" has become meaningless, and I catch myself using it way too much, when, in fact, I'm not laughing at all, I just didn't know what else to say.
Summer is coming up. There is only one thing I like about the summer:
Another thing that really pisses me off is how every day is exactly the same, and I don't see any progress.
I don't have anything to look forward to, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. All I ever do is struggle to survive another day of misery. I have no hopes, dreams or ambitions, except maybe meeting someone special someday. But then again, who would want me in my current, self loathing, state? It's a vicious circle, and I know that if only I had some sort of motivation, I could break free. But I really don't know where to start, and it's frustrating. My therapist doesn't seem to understand me, and just wants me to "get out there" and put myself in a social situation. Well, guess what? I can't. Not on my own.
I have tried many different therapists, all equally useless to me.
I'm so sick of not being able to relate to most people's interests and discussions. Sick of feeling alone all the time (even among friends), and sick of feeling like I can't do anything about it. Whenever I try to do something with my life, I end up screwing it up or avoiding it. Every time I try and fail, I feel worse than I did before I tried.
I curse the fact that I am socially crippled, and my own worst enemy.
I'm going to start out by saying how much I hate that I suck at expressing my feelings with words. This much: |-----------|
It'll probably take me 1-2 hours just to write this post, and the end result will still not be 100% accurate.
I've grown tired of all my music. My taste in music is very limited. I like a few bands alot, and a few songs from other artists, but that's it. I like to listen to my music every waking hour, unless I'm watching a video/TV show/Movie. I very rarely like something if someone pushes it onto me. When people tell me about songs or artists they think I should try out, I usually just automatically hate them.
I know this is a very destructive way of thinking, but what can I do about it? lol
Just now, I realized that I hardly ever laugh anymore. "lol" has become meaningless, and I catch myself using it way too much, when, in fact, I'm not laughing at all, I just didn't know what else to say.
Summer is coming up. There is only one thing I like about the summer:
- *Driving up to a lake with my friends to go swimming.
- *Couples holding hands, kissing, flaunting their happiness in front of me.
*The heat.
*Beautiful people usually become even more beautiful, and tend to take off their clothes to show it off.
*Getting sunburned or just not getting a tan while everyone else does.
*I feel even more exposed since it's so bright outside. Hard to hide.
Another thing that really pisses me off is how every day is exactly the same, and I don't see any progress.
I don't have anything to look forward to, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. All I ever do is struggle to survive another day of misery. I have no hopes, dreams or ambitions, except maybe meeting someone special someday. But then again, who would want me in my current, self loathing, state? It's a vicious circle, and I know that if only I had some sort of motivation, I could break free. But I really don't know where to start, and it's frustrating. My therapist doesn't seem to understand me, and just wants me to "get out there" and put myself in a social situation. Well, guess what? I can't. Not on my own.
I have tried many different therapists, all equally useless to me.
I'm so sick of not being able to relate to most people's interests and discussions. Sick of feeling alone all the time (even among friends), and sick of feeling like I can't do anything about it. Whenever I try to do something with my life, I end up screwing it up or avoiding it. Every time I try and fail, I feel worse than I did before I tried.
I curse the fact that I am socially crippled, and my own worst enemy.
