Do you believe you will ever get a 'good friend'?

[Lionhearted]

A 'good friend' doesn't exactly have to mean a person whom one has to love sexually - I'm not intending that as a factor to be necessary.


The question is an interesting one. It constantly bothers me for many times a day, and I really don't have the correct answer for it. As a person who is interested in finding others with the exact interests and also, fitting the description of a 'good friend', I always find it dubious, as to whether I will ever get a friend - it isn't exactly a problem to find someone to talk with - it's just that I end up being their 'listener', and they just won't give the real satisfaction of having a friend. Rather, it gets into a tiresome monologue, where the other person's interests are the sole focus. There isn't that sort of 'connection' which you get in the rarest of rare situations - the one in which you sort of 'know' that a person is the right friend.


Lately, I've been giving it a good thought, and I think the chances of finding a good friend, is actually very low - but I'm not giving up. I do know that there are others like this somewhere in the world. Many people, in fact. But the only problem is, that I may have to wait and search a lot. The definition of a 'good friend' differs from person to person, of course.


But then there's the thought of isolation, and depression, and all those negative psychological stuff. Dealing with them would seem rather easy now, but it will eventually be very tiresome - especially in the later stages of life. Everyday, there seems to be some sort of oppressive factors and obstacles, which makes me doubt whether relying on patience, would actually yield me a friend. I'd be able to deal with this after contemplating with it for a while, but what I'm sort of curious-anxious about, is the future. After I get a job, and all that. And thus, the picture gets vague. But it becomes clear the very next day - it keeps on becoming possible, and then the usual period of uncertainty is there as well.


Have you ever idealized about a good friend? If so, have you ever thought that it is too much to expect certain things from this 'good friend'? Or, do you constantly believe that you are not capable of having a friend?

Have you considered living as a complete loner for the rest of your life?

 

[Graeme1988]

Have you ever idealized about a good friend? If so, have you ever thought that it is too much to expect certain things from this 'good friend'? Or, do you constantly believe that you are not capable of having a friend?

Kinda difficult to answer that one, especially for me, since I was raised by my mother who constantly told me to "...trust no-one except family", even though my family have given me some trust issue due to their constant lies and manipulative behaviour. This makes me feel not capable of having friends.

So, no, I don't really idealise about a good friends as much I used when I was younger. Is that sad? :question:

Have you considered living as a complete loner for the rest of your life?

I'm actually considering doing exactly this. Mainly because of my years having to put up with my dysfunctional family. :sad:

That, and I've realised I'm more at ease on my own, without someone constantly being pushy, and demanding that I do this and that all the time. :veryangry: I guess I'm more a laid-back, sensitive, introverted guy? :idontknow:

 

[Lionhearted]

How about this:

A person who has went through the same problems as oneself. What if you were to stumble upon a person who went through a lot of family problems, and the person also seems to hold opinions/ viewpoints similar to that of yours. Wouldn't you want to be friendly with such a person?

Personally, I would idealize the person to be so much similar to me - and hence, as I had described in the earlier post, about the difficulty in finding such a 'doppelgänger'. But differences have to be accepted as well, and thus, I have to forget the idea of a complete copy of myself - besides, differences have to be there.

But putting apart the trust issues, would it be worth it to try and find such a person? I've had similar experiences from family, and I understand the odd contradictions that can happen at times.

 

[Graeme1988]

How about this:

A person who has went through the same problems as oneself. What if you were to stumble upon a person who went through a lot of family problems, and the person also seems to hold opinions/ viewpoints similar to that of yours. Wouldn't you want to be friendly with such a person?

Personally, I would idealize the person to be so much similar to me - and hence, as I had described in the earlier post, about the difficulty in finding such a 'doppelgänger'. But differences have to be accepted as well, and thus, I have to forget the idea of a complete copy of myself - besides, differences have to be there.

Oh definitely! I was good friends with a lad who was a couple years younder then me in high school. Who, like myself, was born with a disability. Got on great with him, we made each other laugh. Especially my telling stories of who got in trouble during my classes before our lunchbreak.

Or the time I outsmarted a group of bullies who mocked our disabilities. by turning the derogratory terms they were using to insult us, into a question and asking them if they were referring to themselves.

So, yeah...

But putting apart the trust issues, would it be worth it to try and find such a person? I've had similar experiences from family, and I understand the odd contradictions that can happen at times.

Yeah, I think it'd be worth finding such a person.

 

[kuurt]

I use to think it would be nice to find some friends that I have a lot in common with. But, I've come to realize that everybody is different and I don't tend to have a whole lot in common with most people. So I think it's unlikely that I'll find anybody that I have a lot in common with, and more likely that I'll find people I have one or two things in common with. Even friends like that are probably better than none at all.

 

[theslowesthand]

I don't think i'll find a good friend, aside from the one i have (whom i only ring every few months), as even with him, our lifestyles do not match. But he's got a personality that i can "get along with" (ie not extroverted, attention-seeking, egotistical, ... like other i have met).

 

[BlackPuma]

To get a truly mutual set of beneficial chemistry seems to be quite hard. It's happen a lot that I'll have an incredible first conversation, for it to taper into a simple hail about how they're doing once every few days.

Forget the future of week or months, the danger zone for me lies in the next day or the next few hours. Once you've told each other all the interesting bits, the one or two amazing anecdotes, the lacking mutual interests will cause it to fizzle into the soul crushing nothing relationship that I always end up having with people. I feel it's less a fear of having a real friend, and more about being one.

A question that always ends up haunting me is whether I'm deserving of a person like that, and if the fact that I can't find real friends is really the product of scarcity. Friendship is an inherently social and talkative concept, neither of which come easy or frequent enough to satisfy a person that could get their fix from about a thousand other people.

 

[BlueDays]

To get a truly mutual set of beneficial chemistry seems to be quite hard. It's happen a lot that I'll have an incredible first conversation, for it to taper into a simple hail about how they're doing once every few days.

Forget the future of week or months, the danger zone for me lies in the next day or the next few hours. Once you've told each other all the interesting bits, the one or two amazing anecdotes, the lacking mutual interests will cause it to fizzle into the soul crushing nothing relationship that I always end up having with people. I feel it's less a fear of having a real friend, and more about being one.

A question that always ends up haunting me is whether I'm deserving of a person like that, and if the fact that I can't find real friends is really the product of scarcity. Friendship is an inherently social and talkative concept, neither of which come easy or frequent enough to satisfy a person that could get their fix from about a thousand other people.

^Wow, I could have written exactly what you said, Puma!


I think that my bad insecurity and practically undetectable self-esteem prevents me from believing that I could be a good enough friend that anyone would even WANT to be friends with in the long term - in real life.

I am surprised that I have managed to continue an online-messaging-friendship for quite few years, but I feel that is easy because there is no other contact. It feels like a fluke that it is still going, and it feels like it is not a "proper" friendship.... like a "cheat" friendship if you like, due to their never being any other kind of contact.

A true friendship that involves soc,ialisng physically with the person on a regular basis is just beyond my capabilities. Although that does not stop me from desiring and longing for one still. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

A true friendship that involves socializing physically with the person on a regular basis is just beyond my capabilities

Same here. Though i don't long for one, which is good.

 

[theslowesthand]

I don't even know what a friend is for. I've lived so long without a social life. I just live life by myself.

 

[lily]

i wish i did have a good friend too right now.

 

[PugofCrydee]

a 'good friend' has nothing to do with sexual relations.

 

[theslowesthand]

a 'good friend' has nothing to do with sexual relations.

That's why there's the term "friend with benefits".

 

[desery]

I do believe.
Because I have 1 friend now. I thought I'll never have anyone.
I just think that if it was possible to have that one friend. I think it will be possible for getting more friends in the future.
And if I keep in mind this positive view.

 

[selon]

I've had real good friends and pushed them away because I wasn't able to see and appreciate them properly; so for me it's about both finding a good friend and also BEING a good friend

 

[theoutsider]

This may be a little jaded but, these days I look at "Good Friend" as being synonymous with "Oh great. Another opportunity for disappointment". For this reason, I tend to push people away if they try to get too close. I've been burned and betrayed too many times in the past.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I had a great friend, someone who understood me better than anyone, who had the same disorder list as I do, who was similar to me in so many ways. She was my best friend, a sister, a mother, we'd been neighbours and workmates and even roommates for a while. and then she died and I dont think I'll ever have that connection again. .

Im close to the people I play d&d with, but I try and spare them the worst of my mental health issues, they are people who are good and happy and have their lives on track. So while I love them, and consider them good friends, there isnt that same bond that I once had. But its enough, it has to be.