Difficult friendship

[flakeybark]

When I was in high school I met up with a girl and became friends with her. She was the closest thing I had to a human 'bond' through all of those years and the few years after as well. The problem is, the friendship became more of a power struggle, maybe it always was, but it became increasingly apparent. I was very much the passive one in the friendship and just kind of went along with everything and let myself be dragged around. I think this friendship has had a fairly profound effect on me, and contributes to a lot of the insecurities I have around building friendships with people now. Anyway, over the past year or so, I've gradually stopped talking with her, ignored her messages, and so on. At first I thought seeing her a few times a year would be okay, but each time I saw her the same feelings of inadequacy would rise up and I'd walk away with a pretty low opinion of myself. The problem is, its taken me 8 years to rid myself of this and to understand that it was an unhealthy friendship to be in. Has anyone else found themselves in an unhealthy friendship like this that they keep going back to or try to sustain, even if it meant some personal sacrifice?

Failing at relationships is one thing, but when one feels they fail at friendships too, it feels pretty hopeless sometimes. Aren't friends supposed to be more attainable and more accepting of you anyway

 

[Perfidion]

Real friends are. Fake, exploitative friends not so much.

 

[lettypagb]

sounds like a friend i had once , , you know , when you get out of a codependent relationship you tend to blame everything on the next friendship you have , so i think is not really her , is more like you .

 

[gio289]

Well think i'm in one of those right now. Love this guy like my brother but he's very popular an i often go into a crow feeling good n coming out feeling lonely as usual, but he's like my brother u kno

 

[TheNewZero]

I had the exact same kind of friend in high school. She was my only friend, and really, really bossy. I ended up following her around, and she would make me do things just because she knew I never said no. At one point I was driving her to her choir practices once a week after school. I stopped talking to her when I finished high school, even though she's tried to contact me. I met up with her once last year, and it I felt exactly like you did- like I was getting these feelings of being manipulated her and being a push over all over again.

I guess some people just like control people, and a lot of shy people are easy targets. That happens to me a lot actually, I have a knack for becoming friends with really bossy people. I have a hard time doing things for people because of that friend, like every time someone asks me for a favor I immediately think that they're using me. Totally sucks.

 

[Riiya]

Not that I've ever been in this position, but I don't think I really have the patience or the strength to deal with that kind of friendship. If I were you I probably would've given up on this a long, long time ago. I don't think any relationship is worth keeping if it means making yourself feel like crap.

In other news, I happen to be one of those people who like to control people. I don't know if I would purposely use someone for my personal gain, but it's always fun to have things go your way.

 

[Psychedelicious]

Friend end

She sounds annoying. She's a friend nonetheless, but I don't knwo if it's worth it. I have no friends, and really never have had any friends (except for one in like 2nd grade). I might think I would be friends with almost anyone, because I am that desperate. Then again, I don't want to compare because I dont' have anything to compare to. But if this person was your only friend would you rather still have them or no friends at all? Friends psh.

 

[Riiya]

Partly why I kept it up, was because on one level, we really did connect. But there were too many other issues interfering with that. and I think I kept hoping that these issues would just sort of subside on their own.

If you're determined to keep her as a friend, then I think this is something you have to talk to her about. I personally find serious talk a little gay, but if she values this friendship as much as you do (which seems to be the case, since she still tries to keep in touch after all those years), then a serious talk could be worth it. I'm not sure how your relationship with her is really like, but it doesn't seem like you have much to lose if worse comes to worst.

(As a disclaimer of sorts, all my friendships have been casual at best. That should clue you in on how much you should rely on my advice.)

 

[kayelle]

I'm the exact same. In secondary school (high school in ireland) I had a friend who totally used me, when she was sick of someone else she would talk to me and we'd be just the bestest friends for a few months until she found someone else that was cooler than me or something, then she'd ditch me for another few months. I don't know how I let myself get in to that kind of friendship, but she definitely controlled everything we did.
I thought when I got in to college that my friends were different, that they were real friends, but now I'm not so sure, they completely ditched me when my agoraphobia got bad and I heard hardly anything from them for almost a whole year. And I want so badly to talk to them about it, because it was fun when we were friends, but I'm not going to be in a shit friendship again, I want to be equal friends with them, so I want to talk about it and get it out in the open...but I don't know how to talk about it without sounding cheesy and annoying and whiny.
Stupid needing human contact!