Did I take the cowards way out?

[tcwall]

Short version:
My family (my parents and sister) and I have had a rough relationship for decades. I'd walk away from it for some time, and go back to talking to them when I felt recharged and ready to deal with the drama and expectations again. Sometimes it would take a year or more. Then, in only a matter of months, things would blow up again. I've been in this cycle of fighting, leaving, coming back, repeat. Every time I leave, there is something in my head that keeps telling me that I am a coward - and I need to man up and go back instead of running away like a child. So, I do. Nothing ever changes. It's rather the definition of insanity. Keep going back to the same situation, yet expect things to work this time.

Well, my sister and I got in another fight yesterday. Who started it really isn't important. It always gets nasty and hateful. She finally told me that if anything happens to my parents, she was told that under no circumstances was she to tell me. For some reason, something switched in me, and I said I was through. I'd had enough of this. I unfriended her on FB, and told her in my last text this was the last time I was cutting communication. I was cutting ties this time, and we were family in biology only. Then I deleted the conversation and blocked her number.

Did I take the easy way out, or did I do the right thing? Whenever I stay away from them, I feel loads better. Almost like I begin to heal. Or should I have fought it out, because they are family, and I'm "supposed to"?

What do you think? Can anyone relate?

 

[MikeyC]

I can't relate personally, but I do have a friend in his 50's who had nothing to do with his family and cut ties with all of them because of drama. He said it took years to actually do it, because, well, they're still family.

You've tried with them time and time again. I don't think you've taken the coward's way out at all. As much as it sucks, because they're still family no matter what, it's best to stay out of contact.

 

[selon]

I can relate. Many times the only thing that kept me going was the thought that when I'm grown up, I won't have anything to do with them anymore (especially with my sister). I didn't cut all my ties, I still feel like I can't do that. But I only spoke once with my sister in the last year. And as for my parents, I plan on moving very very very far away in 1 1/2 - 2 years to finally get my freedom.

You're at a point where you can see you're doing a lot better without them- keep going. As hard as it is, we cannot choose our family when we're born. But we can choose how much we are gonna let them hurt us once we're grown up!!

 

[tcwall]

Thanks. I wasn't sure if I always end up being too hard on myself, or if maybe I should have given it another shot. I'm 40, and just don't have the energy for these petty games anymore.

I'd made my decision yesterday, and I am sticking to it. It's just nice to have some outside opinion on it. From someone who isn't involved.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I think it's hard to judge your situation since we don't have much information about it. Personnally I think that being angry with your family is a lot on one's shoulders and I think you should do whatever you can to be at peace with them, starting by judging your own behavior.

However, if you really tried to make peace and they are not collaborating, at some point I agree that the best thing to do is to burn the bridges.

THOUGH, unless your sister is a really nasty person, I wouldn't go as far as cutting all the means she has to communicate with you, and I would make sure they know why you are going away from them.

 

[jc972]

I can relate! I cut ties with my biological father 2 years ago. You see, I didn't meet him until I was 17 and mostly my mother's parents raised me. I am VERY close to my grandparents. So when my son was born in 2010 I named him after my grandfather, my father refused to call my son by his name. He'd call him nicknames and confuse my son and it angered me. I called him out, told him to call my son by his given name like everybody else does. The altercation went from yelling to pushing each other to an actual fist fight. I got my kids and went home and left him laying on the ground. Haven't spoke to each other since. I tried to be a good son, I took him places and loaned him money cause he's too lazy to work and I wasn't going to let him or anybody else disrespect my son. No, sir. I think that in some cases cutting ties is the best way out. I hate it but stuff happens.

 

[Hoppy]

Our family are nice to each other, on the occasions we get together.

I had to make a decision a few years ago, and decided to keep contact, not because I really want to but because I feel sorry for them. I consider them to be emotionally sub-normal, and they really will not understand why if I break contact.

So every time I see them it is my good deed for the day, and hopefully will help to get me into heaven. I'm sure they feel the same about me.

 

[sahxox]

No one could know whether you've made the correct decision or not but you.
In saying that, I've been and still am in a similar situation, and personally I feel what you've done is actually the strong option. Severing all ties is not something you do lightly, but obviously it has been a very nasty situation taking it's toll on you. Protecting yourself like this is a big move, and if it feels like the best alternative in such a spiteful catch-22, then well done in having the courage to do so.

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

I'm very sorry to hear that being around your family hasn't worked out for you! I've had altercations with my siblings and parents over the years, and even some of them like you have mentioned, but we always found our way out of it, and get along again, and I haven't had an altercation since, but everyone is different. You definitely did not take the coward's way out, trust me, if I had to put up with what you have described I would've packed my bags and left, because there is only so much one human can do to please people, even family. I hope you will be able to find peace in the future, and don't feel guilty about leaving, you did the right thing. Just my two cents.