So far it looks like the only sure thing to complete feel alright is by being around my girlfriend. She always calms me down when I'm around her. We don't live together so its still a little hard to deal with this.
Also, this kinda sucks because i don't want to become dependent on someone...
It can be scary to depend on someone or to fully give in to a relationship, but you should count yourself lucky to have her. I wish I had someone like that. I used to, but she married someone else and moved away.
Re: Life and Beyond
I think about this stuff a lot. I bet a lot of people do. I can remember as a kid having this intense feeling when I asked myself, "Why are we here?" Even at that age I didn't see any purpose or logic to our existence.
Suicide concerns me only because I am afraid of botching the job and winding up half alive in a hospital bed somewhere. The thought of nothingness after death or even being punished for committing suicide doesn't really bother me. I'd like a chance to scream at some eternal tormentors in the afterlife, actually. I think the worst punishment they could come up with would be to send you back to do it all over again but in an even worse part of the world with much bigger problems.
As far as the pointless daily grind, it wasn't always like this. We seem to forget that. There's always been a challenge to survive, sure. Our ancestors had tough times, no doubt about it. But the whole concept of going to work and watching the clock and waiting for paychecks to pay bills is relatively new for our species. I don't even think people like the Romans had clocks, did they? Sundials maybe. They certainly didn't have strict appointments.
Heck, the concept of retirement is new. People didn't live long enough to retire back then.
Overall I think my biggest gripe about our modern ways is our insistence on saving everyone. People are living longer, the population is getting out of control, and yet we try to save everyone and prolong their lives. I should have died when I was around 4 years old. Even with modern medicine they told my parents not to expect me to make it. And yet here I am. Still. And I feel like I have fallen through the cracks, as if there is no place for me here.
What if by saving people who were supposed to die, we are unknowingly screwing up everyone's destinies by putting these wild cards out there that would have otherwise been removed from the system? People like me that survived when we shouldn't have are literally the walking dead, taking jobs meant for someone else, eating food meant for someone else, etc. If I ever get married and have kids, that's a wife and kids that might have been meant for someone else but because I was saved from dying I was here to get in the way.
I try not to think of it, it expends a lot of mental energy. But I am always glad to talk about it, makes me feel less crazy.
