conversation techniques

[InvisaLady]

Hi everyone,
I need some help with conversation techniques.
My (sort of) BF said that he gets worried that I might not be great in conversations and hates those "awkward silences".:shyness:
I do my best when we are talking , He'll tell me a interesting or funny story about himself and then I will either ask him some questions or tell him a story about myself.
But when it comes to other things that I agree with him on (politics and religion) I really feel like I don't really have much to add, so I end up saying I agree or just nodding my head.:idontknow:
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[InvisaLady]

This sounds like you're using good conversation techniques :thumbup:



Are you interested in those? Not everyone likes to talk about politics and religion, good conversation means talking about mutual interests - I remember overhearing an engaged conversation about Russian novelists and thinking I would have zero to add and it would have been silly for them to expect me to

Some interest, but the problem is that I agree with his point of view on both. I can't think of anything to add to what he has already said.:idontknow:

 

[InvisaLady]

Perhaps someone here might know a good book on the subject?

 

[LifeInternal88]

Hey InvisaLady

I'm not much of a talker either. I just can't find stuff to say sometimes :idontknow:

And even when I do, I can say what I need to say in few words.

Wrt books, there is "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner. I haven't read it, but I think I will.

My (sort of) BF said that he gets worried that I might not be great in conversations and hates those "awkward silences".

lol My future boyfriend better be comfortable with awkward silences. He should enjoy awkwardness...or else it won't work out.

 

[hardy]

By Being kind and having fun..!

 

[InvisaLady]

Hey InvisaLady

I'm not much of a talker either. I just can't find stuff to say sometimes :idontknow:

And even when I do, I can say what I need to say in few words.

Wrt books, there is "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner. I haven't read it, but I think I will.



lol My future boyfriend better be comfortable with awkward silences. He should enjoy awkwardness...or else it won't work out.

Thanks for the tip on the book. I will have to check it out.

 

[dottie]

lol My future boyfriend better be comfortable with awkward silences. He should enjoy awkwardness...or else it won't work out.

this. except the silences won't be awkward, they will be comfortable. i can't be in a relationship with someone where there is a pressure to fill every second with conversation. wtf. that is not natural. if there is awkwardness with this guy and he is trying to place the blame on you, it's probably time to move on and find someone you are comfortable with. you shouldn't have to change yourself or be something you're not for someone else. relationships are work but this pressure to please is ridiculous. this does not sound like compatibility to me.

as far as books go...
How to Win Friends & Influence People
by Dale Carnegie

but don't try to be something you're not just for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

[coyote]

not every thought has to be shared aloud

not every emotion has to be expressed in words

to me, at least, the most important feelings seem to be conveyed better through touch

or simply by being present in close physical proximity

endless talking from someone feels like they're keeping me at a distance

 

[JackOfSpades]

Why is it he's reiterating to you things you agree upon? Does he know you already share the same view? Is he looking for validation in saying things to you he knows you'll nod your head to?

 

[InvisaLady]

this. except the silences won't be awkward, they will be comfortable. i can't be in a relationship with someone where there is a pressure to fill every second with conversation. wtf. that is not natural. if there is awkwardness with this guy and he is trying to place the blame on you, it's probably time to move on and find someone you are comfortable with. you shouldn't have to change yourself or be something you're not for someone else. relationships are work but this pressure to please is ridiculous. this does not sound like compatibility to me.

as far as books go...
How to Win Friends & Influence People
by Dale Carnegie

but don't try to be something you're not just for the sake of being in a relationship.

I don't really think it's that I am uncomfortable around him, at least no more than I am around anybody else. I don't really have the option to be choosy on getting a new guy. it took me 30 years to get one to give me a chance. He admitted to me that he has never had a girlfriend and he is over 40. I know my conversational skills are not the greatest, but I would like to be able to hold up my own end and not having him feel as though things are so one sided.

 

[Feathers]

Can you find some topics that are interesting to both you and him?

Or explore new things and then tell about those? People usually like to hear about interesting new things or such... (if they are of interest to them)

Are you both interested in animals, animal rights or human rights or environment or any other causes that could be of interest to both of you? 'Hey, have you heard/read the latest...?' 'You know what I heard/read online... (describe something you found interesting, horrible, wonderful, amazing etc) What do you think?'

You can ask his opinion about other stuff too, like if he's good at something or knows a lot and you'd like to learn more about it etc.

Also, how about having some interesting projects together? When you plan and talk about things you are both looking forward to or really wish (it has to be genuine!) that can be really interesting to both too!

If he doesn't like 'awkward silences' can you turn on the radio, or tease him with dancing or something?? Or give him a book to read or TV to watch?? Or draw him something? You could even write poetry to each other if that's easier for you?
A friend of mine once said, 'Don't look at me I'm not TV!!'
If he expects constant entertainment from a girlfriend and you like to be thoughtful with your thoughts?? (Maybe he's just being unrealistic or hate to say 'spoilt kid'??)

Why would he worry you might not be great in conversations - because of future career purposes, or when meeting his family, or would he like to talk more - what about? If you guys can identify topics of common interest or stuff where your opinions diverge (not too much tho lol) - you could even straight out ask him 'What kind of things do you like to talk about or would you like to talk about?'

Or you could both go jogging or hiking or dancing or do something interesting/constructive together??

Sorry, but if someone'd be nagging me about this, I'd probably stay silent on purpose!! lol! Then again I don't have a bf and there's probably a REASON for this LOL!!
(You could even TEASE him about his SILENCE PHOBIA LOL!!)

Take care & hope things go well!!

 

[InvisaLady]

Why is it he's reiterating to you things you agree upon? Does he know you already share the same view? Is he looking for validation in saying things to you he knows you'll nod your head to?

I'm not sure. I think he is just trying to find something to talk about so there are no "long, awkward silent pauses".
And I guess with the election being rather recent and him being a political nut (not that I don't enjoy hearing him talk about politics, it's just I don't have much to add.) he figured it would be a good thing to talk about.

What I don't get is, I hear so many guys complain that they can't get women to shut up and I have one who says I'm too quiet.
What's wrong with actually listening to him?

 

[Feathers]

He admitted to me that he has never had a girlfriend and he is over 40.

Okay, maybe this does raise a flag: was he raised by more chatty or bubbly parents/relatives or got ideas about girlfriends from films/TV only? You and he might have a nice conversation about what you both expect from a nice loving relationship or partner? Does he know any real life couples that he admires and what he likes about them? What are top three wishes for a loving relationship? Or something like that...

You could even say that sometimes you like to be quiet and enjoy the silence...

There's a funny book you could read but it's a romance (and not really serious): How to Marry a Marquis lol (the leading heroine and the man in the book have 'practise' conversations in flirting, very funny!!) Not sure if it would give you any helpful ideas, might make you laugh and take off the 'edge' a bit tho, hm?
/And you could ask HIM to help you PRACTISE LOL haha?? /

 

[JackOfSpades]

Does he know you two share the same views when he's talking politics? You could also try talking about the reasons you agree, and not just the fact that you do. What experiences brought you to your conclusions. Volunteer insight into yourself. I find people talk more about themselves when I offer a little up about myself. It's humanizing. And to take a page from How to Win Friends and Influence People, become or cultivate genuine interest. Ask him questions about what lead him to his specific views, why he feels that way, when they come up in conversation. And you don't have to disagree with him to offer up an opposing perspective. I find it helpful sometimes to play devils advocate and argue for a side I'm not on, if their view is reasonable and understandable too.

I hope any of that helps.

 

[InvisaLady]

Can you find some topics that are interesting to both you and him?

Or explore new things and then tell about those? People usually like to hear about interesting new things or such... (if they are of interest to them)

Are you both interested in animals, animal rights or human rights or environment or any other causes that could be of interest to both of you? 'Hey, have you heard/read the latest...?' 'You know what I heard/read online... (describe something you found interesting, horrible, wonderful, amazing etc) What do you think?'

You can ask his opinion about other stuff too, like if he's good at something or knows a lot and you'd like to learn more about it etc.

Also, how about having some interesting projects together? When you plan and talk about things you are both looking forward to or really wish (it has to be genuine!) that can be really interesting to both too!

If he doesn't like 'awkward silences' can you turn on the radio, or tease him with dancing or something?? Or give him a book to read or TV to watch?? Or draw him something? You could even write poetry to each other if that's easier for you?
A friend of mine once said, 'Don't look at me I'm not TV!!'
If he expects constant entertainment from a girlfriend and you like to be thoughtful with your thoughts?? (Maybe he's just being unrealistic or hate to say 'spoilt kid'??)

Why would he worry you might not be great in conversations - because of future career purposes, or when meeting his family, or would he like to talk more - what about? If you guys can identify topics of common interest or stuff where your opinions diverge (not too much tho lol) - you could even straight out ask him 'What kind of things do you like to talk about or would you like to talk about?'

Or you could both go jogging or hiking or dancing or do something interesting/constructive together??

Sorry, but if someone'd be nagging me about this, I'd probably stay silent on purpose!! lol! Then again I don't have a bf and there's probably a REASON for this LOL!!
(You could even TEASE him about his SILENCE PHOBIA LOL!!)

Take care & hope things go well!!

My only interest kind of bores all men to death. I can't dance to save my life. Fattys look horrible when they try to dance and being legally blind does not really help.
I've never found a reason to do anything like jogging (my joints don't like it and it's below freezing in WI. Poetry? sorry, artsy fartsy writing is not my style, failed it every year in school.

He likes going to the comedy club, but you can only do that so often and it does not lead to that deeper conversation that he desires.

 

[JackOfSpades]

What I don't get is, I hear so many guys complain that they can't get women to shut up and I have one who says I'm too quiet.
What's wrong with actually listening to him?

Sometimes it's easy to feel unacknowledged when the other party doesn't add much. For me this is especially true in relationships because the stakes are higher. Also, I'm usually much more interested in hearing from that person too, and when they don't add much, it can feel like they don't trust me or are emotionally unavailable.

 

[Feathers]

My only interest kind of bores all men to death. I can't dance to save my life. Fattys look horrible when they try to dance and being legally blind does not really help.
I've never found a reason to do anything like jogging (my joints don't like it and it's below freezing in WI. Poetry? sorry, artsy fartsy writing is not my style, failed it every year in school.

He likes going to the comedy club, but you can only do that so often and it does not lead to that deeper conversation that he desires.

hehe I was just giving out suggestions - haven't really seen a pic of you - or what you like to do or not... some people here are a bit artsy, and some artsy types like to express themselves through art or poetry or such... if you're legally blind, hm? Can you be playful in tactile ways eg write letters or signs on the hand and 'talk' this way - like a game (we used to do that with kiddies, they loved it) Massage is usually nice, some blind people can give great massage, I hear...

So what kind of deeper conversation could both he and you desire lol? There are even 'couples conversation' hours led by church or related groups, if you guys are open to something like that? (Or 'newlywed preparation' or 'couples groups' or such, where there are topic starters and people converse about things...)

Jack has some good suggestions... Offer a bit more than 'I agree' - maybe what you really like or dislike, or what initially attracted you to a certain candidate/party, but what you find not-so-good... My blind great aunt used to joke a lot and pray a lot, she liked talking about church and trips she has been to... (with Blind Association, not sure if you have something like that where you live?) Any good audiobooks or songs or radio shows you've listened to lately? these can all be conversation starters... (and can lead to meaningful conversation, if they mean something to you...)

 

[InvisaLady]

hehe I was just giving out suggestions - haven't really seen a pic of you - or what you like to do or not... some people here are a bit artsy, and some artsy types like to express themselves through art or poetry or such... if you're legally blind, hm? Can you be playful in tactile ways eg write letters or signs on the hand and 'talk' this way - like a game (we used to do that with kiddies, they loved it) Massage is usually nice, some blind people can give great massage, I hear...

So what kind of deeper conversation could both he and you desire lol? There are even 'couples conversation' hours led by church or related groups, if you guys are open to something like that? (Or 'newlywed preparation' or 'couples groups' or such, where there are topic starters and people converse about things...)

Jack has some good suggestions... Offer a bit more than 'I agree' - maybe what you really like or dislike, or what initially attracted you to a certain candidate/party, but what you find not-so-good... My blind great aunt used to joke a lot and pray a lot, she liked talking about church and trips she has been to... (with Blind Association, not sure if you have something like that where you live?) Any good audiobooks or songs or radio shows you've listened to lately? these can all be conversation starters... (and can lead to meaningful conversation, if they mean something to you...)

Church? Heh, your talking to a die hard Atheist here.
Problem is, I'm not that into politics. I just know that republicans suck so I would never vote for one. Where as he is really into it. I don't mind listening, but I really can't add anything.
I often feel like a kid trying to have a conversation with a rocket scientist.

 

[InvisaLady]

Sometimes it's easy to feel unacknowledged when the other party doesn't add much. For me this is especially true in relationships because the stakes are higher. Also, I'm usually much more interested in hearing from that person too, and when they don't add much, it can feel like they don't trust me or are emotionally unavailable.

I feel like every time I open my mouth something dumb sounding comes out.

 

[InvisaLady]

Okay, maybe this does raise a flag: was he raised by more chatty or bubbly parents/relatives or got ideas about girlfriends from films/TV only? You and he might have a nice conversation about what you both expect from a nice loving relationship or partner? Does he know any real life couples that he admires and what he likes about them? What are top three wishes for a loving relationship? Or something like that...

You could even say that sometimes you like to be quiet and enjoy the silence...

There's a funny book you could read but it's a romance (and not really serious): How to Marry a Marquis lol (the leading heroine and the man in the book have 'practise' conversations in flirting, very funny!!) Not sure if it would give you any helpful ideas, might make you laugh and take off the 'edge' a bit tho, hm?
/And you could ask HIM to help you PRACTISE LOL haha?? /

Nah, from what he has told me his whole family is more on the introverted side of things. He said most women give him the "Your nice BUT....... " or the "your too nice" lines. So his expectations seem rather low.