Confrontations

[Beatrice]

Does anyone have any suggestions, tips, advice, etc.? I have a real problem with confrontations. How do you guys do it, if you must? How do you get your point across without breaking down or looking like an idiot? How do you react to very loud, very angry people, in a way that allows you to feel more confident, and more comfortable and satisfied with the way you handled the situation?

 

[mmmm]

I put on a sarcastic face, which I have perfected in the mirror for just such occasions. Eyebrow up, bored expression. I stare at them, maybe nodding my head distainfully now and then.Open body language (hands at your sides, legs uncrossed). If you must speak (trust me, you often don't) say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" as genuinely as you can manage. Works for me.

 

[Crumpal]

I put on a sarcastic face, which I have perfected in the mirror for just such occasions. Eyebrow up, bored expression. I stare at them, maybe nodding my head distainfully now and then.Open body language (hands at your sides, legs uncrossed). If you must speak (trust me, you often don't) say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" as genuinely as you can manage. Works for me.

Sometimes I laugh at somebody if they yell at me for no good reason. Sometimes it makes them feel stupid enough that they shut up.

Other times it makes them even more mad.. Whoops..

 

[fdctk]

firstly, try to talk to whoever it is you're having an issue with like an adult to avoid adding any more hard feelings to the situation. ask them to sit down and that you would like to have a talk with them. if they refrain from doing so and act disrespectful / immature, then all is fair game at that point. may i ask who it is you're planning to have a confrontation with? family? friend?

as for the feelings of nervousness triggered by the fight/flight response that i remember you posting about having trouble with before, there's really not much that can done about it due to it being a biological response (although, there's some meds that can be taken to help mitigate it a bit like beta-blockers). regardless of how nervous you think you will be, i know you will still be able to get your point across just fine. and if the person still doesn't get it, then that person isn't worth your time to begin with.

 

[Beatrice]

Sometimes I laugh at somebody if they yell at me for no good reason. Sometimes it makes them feel stupid enough that they shut up.

Other times it makes them even more mad.. Whoops..

The second part of what you said.... yeah. I can just picture this person I'm planning on confronting. If I laughed at him while he was yelling at me, he would get even more mad and scream, "OH, THAT'S FUNNY IS IT!?!?" Which would make my anxiety even worse.

I think I'll try the cool, calm, in-control approach. I mean, of course on the inside I'll be shaking, but "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it." The fear DOES tend to muddle my thoughts, and my mouth goes dry, so it becomes hard to both remember what I was going to say and to respond appropriately. What hell that is. But I have to try. Confrontations are an inevitable part of life.

 

[fdctk]

How do you react to very loud, very angry people, in a way that allows you to feel more confident, and more comfortable and satisfied with the way you handled the situation?

as for people like THIS, i act like an ******* right back. i have absolutely no patience for ignorant people. i make sure my voice dominates theirs and hold nothing back. this probably isn't the best advice but it's what i would do lol.

best of luck beatrice.

 

[Beatrice]

firstly, try to talk to whoever it is you're having an issue with like an adult to avoid adding any more hard feelings to the situation. ask them to sit down and that you would like to have a talk with them. if they refrain from doing so and act disrespectful / immature, then all is fair game at that point. may i ask who it is you're planning to have a confrontation with? family? friend?

as for the feelings of nervousness triggered by the fight/flight response that i remember you posting about having trouble with before, there's really not much that can done about it due to it being a biological response (although, there's some meds that can be taken to help mitigate it a bit like beta-blockers). regardless of how nervous you think you will be, i know you will still be able to get your point across just fine. and if the person still doesn't get it, then that person isn't worth your time to begin with.

Agreed, and very good advice. It's unfortunate that the fear response is biological. I won't be confronting this person - my grandfather - until next week or so, more than likely, so the anticipation of it and subsequent fear is going to sit in my mind and torture me :/ But at least I will have had time to think of what exactly I want to say, and imagine possible responses that I can develop reactions to. It's like play practice

Edit: Read your second post just now. Thank you for the wishes, haha. I don't think I'll be yelling back, though I do tend to do that as well. This time I want to try a calmer approach so I can think clearly.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I think I'll try the cool, calm, in-control approach. I mean, of course on the inside I'll be shaking, but "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it." The fear DOES tend to muddle my thoughts, and my mouth goes dry, so it becomes hard to both remember what I was going to say and to respond appropriately. What hell that is. But I have to try. Confrontations are an inevitable part of life.

I think you're choosing well with the calm, in control approach... In my opinion, unless if you really like confrontations and negative energies, you have to turn the confrontation into a relevant discussion, so you should remain calm, listen to the other and think about what you are going to say to make sure it comes out right, to make sure you are understood. You can even write down on paper the important points that you want to bring, if you tend to forget when you are anxious. I hate confrontation. Good luck and hope it turns out well

 

[Crumpal]

I think I'll try the cool, calm, in-control approach. I mean, of course on the inside I'll be shaking, but "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it." The fear DOES tend to muddle my thoughts, and my mouth goes dry, so it becomes hard to both remember what I was going to say and to respond appropriately. What hell that is. But I have to try. Confrontations are an inevitable part of life.

Absolutely, I was mostly kidding about the laughing..

Calm and collected is pretty much always best, I agree. Its hard though! Many years of working in customer service has helped me with it though. Have it happen enough, and I guess you just more and more get used to the terrible feelings that go along with it..

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

The second part of what you said.... yeah. I can just picture this person I'm planning on confronting. If I laughed at him while he was yelling at me, he would get even more mad and scream, "OH, THAT'S FUNNY IS IT!?!?" Which would make my anxiety even worse.

You're not planning on confronting Joe Pesci, are you?

I think I'll try the cool, calm, in-control approach. I mean, of course on the inside I'll be shaking, but "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it." The fear DOES tend to muddle my thoughts, and my mouth goes dry, so it becomes hard to both remember what I was going to say and to respond appropriately. What hell that is. But I have to try. Confrontations are an inevitable part of life.

Staying calm is definitely the way to go. In most cases responding with anger only fuels the other person's angry response even further. Don't rise to it. Keep your head, and say what you need to say to them in a calm but firm manner.

 

[fdctk]

I won't be confronting this person - my grandfather - until next week or so, more than likely, so the anticipation of it and subsequent fear is going to sit in my mind and torture me :/.

i see, it sucks having family confrontations. i had to confront my father a couple months back (who's an complete ******* / drunk) because he tried harming my sister.. it didn't end well (for him). so i understand where you're coming from. if worse comes to worse, i can come down and stare him down while you get your point across; he won't interupt i promise. we SAers need to stick together!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

firstly, try to talk to whoever it is you're having an issue with like an adult to avoid adding any more hard feelings to the situation. ask them to sit down and that you would like to have a talk with them. if they refrain from doing so and act disrespectful / immature, then all is fair game at that point. may i ask who it is you're planning to have a confrontation with? family? friend?

as for the feelings of nervousness triggered by the fight/flight response that i remember you posting about having trouble with before, there's really not much that can done about it due to it being a biological response (although, there's some meds that can be taken to help mitigate it a bit like beta-blockers). regardless of how nervous you think you will be, i know you will still be able to get your point across just fine. and if the person still doesn't get it, then that person isn't worth your time to begin with.

Awesome advice, as always mate! I do believe you can fight the biology without just meds: even if just a little - diet, CBT, and esp consistent practice with relaxation techniques; studies have shown and ppl here - meditation; martial arts, breathing, other relaxation WITH LOTS of consistent use can calm the body and ease the mind at least a little; doesnt mean it will take away the fear - or change your biological makeup - and of course, this wont help much now -

but we all have the ability to get through our fears and trials by fire - we can do a lot more than we may think, when we have to, as I know FD can attest too.

You do too Beatrice and you can do it Beatty! Start calm, honest - your head may be spinning and heart pounding outta your chest like one of those Loony Tunes cartoons, but it'll all be over before you know it. No matter how bad it gets; usually worse in your head. A week-three weeks is a long time to get your thoughts swirling over this I know all too well. But come here to ease your mind a bit! =D

i see, it sucks having family confrontations. i had to confront my father a couple months back (who's an complete ******* / drunk) because he tried harming my sister.. it didn't end well (for him). so i understand where you're coming from. if worse comes to worse, i can come down and stare him down while you get your point across; he won't interupt i promise. we SAers need to stick together!

Just wanted to say good for you! Tough as that was. I had to confront my Uncle, not my father, and was my cousin in jeopardy. Tho I wasnt alone. BUT - lol Beatrice maybe should take FD up on his offer if get too worried =D I can send my Lemur troop (lemur group) to your house too, Beat

 

[Feathers]

I see Beatrice has a lot of 'backup'!!

And WOW, it's great that you guys stood up for your sisters etc!!

It helps to know what you'd like from him, specific behavior. If you just expect remorse or apology hmm.. (not so sure about that, my dad wasn't remorseful when we got into a confrontation about the past, nobody really likes the blame, it's dropped like a 'hot potato') Maybe it's better to focus on the present and what could be done to make each other's life easier etc?

There's a book 'Dealing with Difficult People' by Rick Kirschman and Rick Brinkmann (the longer version) - see if your library has it? It was helpful to deal with Dad in the past too.. The 'anti-tank' strategies... It's a really good book, so I recommend it.. (it's for general stuff though, not specifically for past trauma or any abuse issues or such...)

If you think the person might get violent or aggressive, there are probably things you could do too.. Like maybe having police telephone number in your cell phone to speed dial if necessary, or people to go with you, like other helpful relatives that Grandpa might listen to or respect? or maybe recording the conversation if neccessary etc.

A friend who was a waitress also said to a yelling guy who threatened her, 'I hope you or your Dad have a lot of money.' - 'Why?' 'Cause I'm gonna sue you if you even put one hand on me.' or something like that.. Not sure if saying something like this would be a good idea, maybe it's good to have a few 'ways out' if things would turn uncomfortable.. (Or people to call you/check up on you/etc?)

Also know maybe he's yelling cause he's deaf or half-deaf (bad of hearing). Some people just yell louder cause they think other people can't hear them either. And sometimes if you yell back they're insulted (that's a hearing problem, it has nothing to do with you personally!! It's good to remember it!!).

Hope things go well!! My Grandpas were really nice and I hope you find a way to talk with your Grandpa too!!

 

[fdctk]

@deus: thanks, me and you seem to be on the same page on alot of things -- and many props to you for defending your cuz. nobody has the right to lay a hand on another person (especially a girl).

 

[athwart]

I loathe confrontations. With family, friends, strangers, whatever. Unfortunately, I usually put off my feelings and avoid the confrontation, so when I have to deal with it, I go bonkers and cannot function. I would suggesst finding a way to deal with it before something gets to that point.

 

[Death Rider]

This time I didn't even bother reading the answer posts... What is wrong with you? Asking other SAD members about real life confrontations? Maybe your next question should be about finding a gf/bf?
I mean, any answer you get here will only be a SAD way of dealing with the situation... You want to find a normal way of doing this. Today I talked to a person, who told me he just expresses his emotions. He does not think... He does not wonder... HE JUST DOES IT.
LIFE IS A JUST-DO-IT SITUATION. The more you think, the less you achieve.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

This time I didn't even bother reading the answer posts... What is wrong with you? Asking other SAD members about real life confrontations? Maybe your next question should be about finding a gf/bf?
I mean, any answer you get here will only be a SAD way of dealing with the situation... You want to find a normal way of doing this. Today I talked to a person, who told me he just expresses his emotions. He does not think... He does not wonder... HE JUST DOES IT.
LIFE IS A JUST-DO-IT SITUATION. The more you think, the less you achieve.

Why did I bother reading your post... not to be a butthole, Im not in a good mood right now. Not everyone with SAD is on the same level and have nothing good to give. And not everyone has SAD on this site. So dont judge and generalize if you didnt even read a post. Whats "normal" anyways? "Normal" ppl without SAD dont always confront things well...

Doing is vital to living and achieving yeah. You dont want to think less... too much thoughtlessness in the world. You want to do certain kinds of thinking less, aka that prohibit you for taking action. Difference.

Anyways, not to come off combative or... well, confrontational.

 

[athwart]

This time I didn't even bother reading the answer posts... What is wrong with you? Asking other SAD members about real life confrontations? Maybe your next question should be about finding a gf/bf?

Do you mean to be harsh to her, or are you trying to prove a point?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I mean, any answer you get here will only be a SAD way of dealing with the situation... You want to find a normal way of doing this.

Some of us here have actually made progress with SAD, and have learned ways to better deal with things--that process is slow, often painful, and most importantly quite conscious.

Both thinking in general and reading other peoples' posts actually can be helpful, oddly enough.

 

[fdctk]

This time I didn't even bother reading the answer posts... What is wrong with you? Asking other SAD members about real life confrontations? Maybe your next question should be about finding a gf/bf?
I mean, any answer you get here will only be a SAD way of dealing with the situation... You want to find a normal way of doing this. Today I talked to a person, who told me he just expresses his emotions. He does not think... He does not wonder... HE JUST DOES IT.
LIFE IS A JUST-DO-IT SITUATION. The more you think, the less you achieve.

I hope there's an underlying purpose to this post, such as trying to provoke her as a means of practicing being confrontational (which is dumb anyways because it's not the same as in person), otherwise you just look like a ignorant tool. next time, if you don't have anything constructive to say, keep it to yourself. no one wants to hear that **** -- especially the people that really need the help.