Cant hold a conversation with my boyfriend

[Meggy0001]

I have kind of accepted that I am pretty much mute with pretty much everyone and stopped caring to be honest.

The bit that hurts me the most is I am sooooooo quite with my boyfriend soon he will leave because why should he be with someone who doesn't give him much back. yesterday I opened up a bit after a glass of wine haha and he said "I try so hard to get you to loosen up because your actually the funniest person I know but you rarely let me see that side'. He doesn't know me to be honest. I just can't open up to him at all. When I say I am quite I literally mean silent I say like 10 words when I am with him and he feels like he has to keep the conversation going and I know he hates it. Sometimes I just wish he ends it because I feel like the most boring, uninteresting, quietest, most awkward uncomfortable person in the world. He tells me everything and I just always feel like I have nothing to say. Put me in front of my best friend I wont shut up all day. If I can just be myself with him it would be amazing cause we are a lot alike than he knows. :/ this is why I like having no one. I just keep beating myself about how crap I come across.

When I try I am soo quite that I always have to repeat myself, my voice comes out emotionless so if I make a joke he just thinks I am being serious, if im upset about something and I try get that across I start mumbling and lost with my words and he just doesn't understand.

I think I start of quite and I get comfortable and then I find it hard to then speak up. I honestly don't get why its like this. its been 5 months :/!!! when he says he loves me I just think its utter crap because he cant. He doesn't really know what I am like at all.

Anyone got advice. Please.

 

[Hoppy]

I've been trying something for myself for a while now, and it seems to work for me.

Talk out loud. I read aloud to myself. I am getting used to the sound of my own voice, and while I'm alone I practice certain words I don't pronounce correctly.

Maybe practice something like that with him. Read aloud to him. I am sure he will be glad to hear your voice, and maybe it will transition into some real conversations.

 

[Richey]

Good advice ^^

I had a similar problem recently with a girl I was dating. She was the very confident one, very confident in movement and great at banter, always playful etc....

I was able to keep up though..

However she ended up interested in this other guy who was clearly better than me at talking and far wittier in conversation...it was not a nice experience but that is rejection and I guess rejection is part of nature....I can't control that...

So maybe try to become your own best friend first. Read lots, write down cool words, lists of phrases you could coin at certain times..

The way I see it is some people are just on higher levels up of memory, conversational skills, banter and I am on a lower level, so I can not really match the other person, maybe I can adapt and do ok, but not on their level of super confidence...

Best of luck, I know what you are going through, it is hard...It's even harder when you see your date starting to like other people more, as if they are drifting away...Not easy. Very hard especially when you love the person.

An example, the other day my GF starts flirting with this other guy, physically and with banter...I stayed nice, but in the end I just felt angry at myself and very bitter that I am not that other guy...

I think the key is to just let go and not care, I really don't know how to unlock that sort of self confidence, and how some people have so much general knowledge and information cycling round in their heads they can use for banter in almost any capacity...That to me is amazing conversational confidence that I am currently not wired for. Maybe in time.

A lot of people just to want to be fun and joke around, but for some people it's not easy to do that. Those people have low inhibitions and almost zero self consciousness. It's as if they are perpetually drunk, only it's not that, it's their personality. Lucky people.

 

[emptybench]

Maybe you dont have much in common with him? Or is it anxiety that blocks you from talking?

 

[PhillipJFry]

Maybe you could make a list of all the things you like about yourself? I'm sure that if you became comfortable with loving yourself, it wouldn't be so difficult to grasp the idea that others might love you too. In my opinion, nobody is so bad that they're good for nothing.

As for conversing, you could ask questions about/express an interest in the things your boyfriend is into, people generally like talking about themselves. You don't even have to be all that sincere either, I promise you most conversations aren't.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I am curious as how you two got together?

When I was younger this was definitely an issue I had when dating. They never lead to relationships though. One, two, three dates tops.

This issue has improved greatly since then though. There were a couple things that helped me. Like Hoppy said above, you just have to practice speaking more loudly. I hated being asked to repeat myself so I practiced to avoid it. Laughing also helps. And smiling. Attentive listening is also part of the package of conversing, so if you are listening to what he is saying, you can better respond and ask questions. The asking questions helps a lot when I don't really have much to say or want to break the ice. Just ask away. Whatever comes to mind really. Just say it. I also find that it helps to have a sort of playful attitude. If it doesn't come naturally, it may be hard to play it off, but it helps take the edge off when you are feeling anxious. Sorta just having fun and rolling with it. For example I make fun of myself when I blush (which is often!) and it makes it better. I put my hands to my face and will be all like "grr, I am blushing." Most guys seem to find it rather adorable which is a plus.

Some things don't change though. For example, I still hate talking on the phone. Eh. Don't beat yourself up. You can improve on this issue with practice. He seems to care a lot about you too, and I am sure he would like to help you as well.

 

[greggy]

I understand completely, i too have this problem and even have problems holding a convasation with my cousin, but dont write the relationship off, being happy with with your boyfriend does'nt have to mean you have to have amazing convasations all the time, enjoy beeing together and remember forcing things never brings a result, but when you relax good things will happen by themselves

 

[Srijita52]

You're being too hard on yourself. You're already anxious and you're calling yourself things like boring, awkward. It puts extra pressure and makes you more anxious. Tell him it takes you a while to open up. Enjoy his company and relax first. The rest of the things will come naturally.

 

[dottie]

Put me in front of my best friend I wont shut up all day.

Compatible.

He doesn't know me to be honest. I just can't open up to him at all.

Incompatible.

Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship with someone who still doesn't know you after 5 months? Don't blame yourself, we aren't going to have chemistry with everyone... From the sound of your post, it doesn't even seem like you enjoy yourself around him. Why put yourself though that and why waste his time?