Can't figure out the next step

[combat]

I've overcome a lot of my issues over the past years. I have a pretty social job that involves a lot of interaction with coworkers and strangers, I can have normal conversations (some meaningful, some just general chit chat) with coworkers without feeling nervous, I can joke around, I have no issue interacting with supervisors, etc. I even go out and socialize with coworkers/friends at bars and sometimes I'll even go out with a friend or two to a club (though, I have to confess, even after drinking a decent amount I don't seem to have any success). In rare instances, I can even get flirty with certain girls (just the ones I click with when they have the same sense of humor/sarcasm as me).

I just can't move it beyond any of this. I really don't know how people get into dating relationships with each other. I mean, I know guys who can talk a different woman into bed with them practically every other night. I don't get it. Usually I just drink in order to suppress thinking about this stuff, but tonight the alcohol seems to be making me ponder this more than usual. What am I missing here?

 

[WiSe]

the root of it sounds like fear of rejection.personally im not one to talk because ive never asked a girl for her phone number in my life and every relationship ive ever gotten into it was her that took the initiative. i too have a friend that can get a different girl every night and hes honestly not that attractive at all but something hes doing is working. hes very outgoing tho. and thats our problem. All i can do is give you the advice ive never been courageous enough o use myself. they tell me. "whats the worse thing that can happen? she says no? and you never see her again?" and logically its VERY VERY true. somehow i still cant do it myself. best of luck though

 

[combat]

personally im not one to talk because ive never asked a girl for her phone number in my life and every relationship ive ever gotten into it was her that took the initiative.

I've asked for numbers before and I've tried to take the initiative on many occasions. Either I'm doing it the wrong way or they were never interested in me to begin with. And getting rejected doesn't seem to get easier as I go along, actually it has been progressively making me feel worse each time I try to the point that I'm ready to just give up on trying.

 

[coyote]

what is it that you have that would make you attractive to women?

just because you are attracted to them and approach them doesn't guarantee that they'll fall at your feet

they're humans, too - with the same motivations and drives that you have

what do you have to bring to the table?

work on this

 

[combat]

what is it that you have that would make you attractive to women?

Well, apparently, nothing.

just because you are attracted to them and approach them doesn't guarantee that they'll fall at your feet

they're humans, too - with the same motivations and drives that you have

I understand that. But I don't understand what's missing inside of me that normal people seem to have that allows them to connect with each other and get into relationships with so much more ease.

what do you have to bring to the table?

work on this

I'm 26. No offense to you, but if I haven't figured out what to "work on" by now, what makes you think I can just suddenly run out and figure it all out now? I have no idea what I have to bring to the table. If I judge it solely on past experience in this matter, then obviously I have little to nothing.

Look, I know it's me and not women. I don't blame anyone but myself. But that doesn't make it any less depressing and lonely.

 

[coyote]

well, none of us here really know you in person

so, unfortunately, it's up to you to figure out

I was just trying to point you in the right direction



the negative attitude is probably not something that women find attractive

 

[combat]

I was just trying to point you in the right direction

Which I do appreciate. I'm just frustrated with myself is all.

the negative attitude is probably not something that women find attractive

Yes, which is why I come here to vent and complain. I very rarely exhibit a negative attitude toward others in real life.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

This isn't an SA or shy trait. Some people are good at "opening", and some are good at "closing". You would find that very few people can get both opening and closing down pat, without a lot of previous experience (ie. a player). You just have to see what will work for you. Invite them back to your place, or print out some personal business cards, and hand them out to people you are interested in. Do you have facebook? If you do ask them if they are on it and then add them as a friend. There are many ways that you can close, but you have to do what works for you.

 

[Hellhound]

I understand that. But I don't understand what's missing inside of me that normal people seem to have that allows them to connect with each other and get into relationships with so much more ease.

Have you tried making friends at first? I think it would work better than thinking about relationships right away. Make friends first, get to know the other person and let them know you, then see if there's a posibility of something else. But give it time. These things don't happen immediately.

 

[JamesSmith]

Well, apparently, nothing.



I understand that. But I don't understand what's missing inside of me that normal people seem to have that allows them to connect with each other and get into relationships with so much more ease.



I'm 26. No offense to you, but if I haven't figured out what to "work on" by now, what makes you think I can just suddenly run out and figure it all out now? I have no idea what I have to bring to the table. If I judge it solely on past experience in this matter, then obviously I have little to nothing.

Look, I know it's me and not women. I don't blame anyone but myself. But that doesn't make it any less depressing and lonely.

The thing you don't have that most other guys do is outgoingness. Most people are outgoing, men and women, therefore they often enjoy the company of someone else who is outgoing. Women have many guys to choose from that actually talk, so you'd have to find a woman that wants a shy guy or doesn't mind a shy guy, and that cancels out many women. Shy guys have a harder time getting dates, has been like that for years and that won't change any time soon.

Lol, I'm 26 too, and I got to admit I got a little offended with how you try to make our age actually sound old. We aren't that old at all. You say you have nothing to bring to the table? That's not true for any guy. Every guy has some type of personality that some girl will like somewhere. There are huge factors to bringing something to the table, the main one being having a job. If you don't have a full-time job then most women won't give you the time of day unless you are doing college right now. Women care about ambition a lot, and if they smell that you are going nowhere, they will be out of there so fast.

As for blaming yourself, that's not entirely accurate. I'd say the reason you are alone is your shyness playing a huge role, it's harder for guys like us. It's not all your fault.

 

[kihira]

I've overcome a lot of my issues over the past years. I have a pretty social job that involves a lot of interaction with coworkers and strangers, I can have normal conversations (some meaningful, some just general chit chat) with coworkers without feeling nervous, I can joke around, I have no issue interacting with supervisors, etc. I even go out and socialize with coworkers/friends at bars and sometimes I'll even go out with a friend or two to a club (though, I have to confess, even after drinking a decent amount I don't seem to have any success). In rare instances, I can even get flirty with certain girls (just the ones I click with when they have the same sense of humor/sarcasm as me).

I just can't move it beyond any of this. I really don't know how people get into dating relationships with each other. I mean, I know guys who can talk a different woman into bed with them practically every other night. I don't get it. Usually I just drink in order to suppress thinking about this stuff, but tonight the alcohol seems to be making me ponder this more than usual. What am I missing here?

A thought from my distant past experience that may apply - I went through a stage of getting too drunk and obviously after only one thing, which really wasn't very appealing and resulted in a lack of 'success'. People like to know that they are special. :]

 

[Lccska]

something I've always noted as a woman. Most men want the gorgeous woman. Have you tried talking to the quiet , less than gorgeous woman. You might be surprised at how much she has to offer. She knows she can't compete with most women, so she had to work on her personality. i'm sure it's the same for less than perfect men.
I imagine you have just as much to offer as any man out there. You just aren't aware of it. Look for a "wall flower". You may be pleasantly surprised.

 

[GoBlue72]

I've overcome a lot of my issues over the past years. I have a pretty social job that involves a lot of interaction with coworkers and strangers, I can have normal conversations (some meaningful, some just general chit chat) with coworkers without feeling nervous, I can joke around, I have no issue interacting with supervisors, etc. I even go out and socialize with coworkers/friends at bars and sometimes I'll even go out with a friend or two to a club (though, I have to confess, even after drinking a decent amount I don't seem to have any success). In rare instances, I can even get flirty with certain girls (just the ones I click with when they have the same sense of humor/sarcasm as me).

I just can't move it beyond any of this. I really don't know how people get into dating relationships with each other. I mean, I know guys who can talk a different woman into bed with them practically every other night. I don't get it. Usually I just drink in order to suppress thinking about this stuff, but tonight the alcohol seems to be making me ponder this more than usual. What am I missing here?

I realize the OP was a few months ago, but seems to be still going....So, I can relate to your situation quite a bit, Combat. Very similar to my experience, hanging with friends and coworkers who are female who enjoy my company. Yet, I have very little luck when it comes to relationships. Some good points have already been made, which have helped give me perspective. If you're shy, SA, etc...you are at a disadvantage in general when it comes to dating. Bars and clubs do help with the alcohol factor, but like you said that's a double edged sword. I've ended up drinking to get my courage up, yet I still have frozen up/gotten very nervous when approaching women.

Some things that have helped are to realize my own "weaknesses" or limitations, so that I can stop comparing myself to the "players" that seem to have an easy time with women. Then I can work on being more assertive and confident, even if deep down I still don't feel that way. Approaching the women is probably the first step, and then doing so more frequently. Being able to maintain a conversation, and being aware of body language between you and her is probably next. I think the part I'm pretty clueless about is the transition from just talking to a girl to trying to get a phone number or date out of it. And, like it has been said, it's probably going to be more difficult to talk with the hottest girl in the club than it is the quiet one in the corner.