Being Selfish

[sullyS25]

In my past six months of personal growth I have realized how selfish I can be and have related it to the anxiety I feel in social situations. When I first heard the idea of being selfish I thought it was total BS and everyone else was selfish, I have come to realize that this really is not true.

In social situations when I am so afraid of how others will perceive me I think this characteristic is the strongest. I am only thinking about myself and how others will react to me or what they will think of ME. I am not concerned about how others are doing or what else is going on in their mind unless it comes back to me. This may sound completely off to a lot of people but I believe this is the root of the problem. I am so concerned with myself and how others view me that everything else is crowded out. I fail to realize when I am speaking in front of a big crowd that a good amount of them are probably not paying as much attention to me as I think and in most cases are more concerned with whatever is going on in their lives. I assume they notice everything that is going on with me like a red face from blushing or a trembling voice when that probably is not the case.

I feel it is a good practice to remind myself of this every time I am feeling insecure or anxious in social situations because it really does help the symptoms that go along with social anxiety. Maybe I am completely wrong and a lot of you all will disagree but personally, this realization has really helped during this period of growth.

 

[Bustn Justin]

So far through process of my own is that its selfish for me to hide myself from the world because there are people who need my help/support.

 

[Kat]

Yes it’s true the mindset of social phobia is somewhat selfish but it is a survival instinct working overtime. It is important to be likeable because it can determine how good you can do in this world but yes it is irrational to allow those thought patterns to intrude every situation you encounter but everyone is a little selfish in one way or another as long as you remain aware and keep the balance in good order.

 

[Kiwong]

I agree Sully, anxiety is a selfish disease. I spend so much time worrying about me there is not time to worry about anyone else.

 

[deleted user 1]

I disagree with the term selfish. Self-centered? Yes, but not selfish. We are not actually striving to gratify ourselves, but to be perfect for others so that we can be acceptable in their eyes, and in the end we only destroy ourselves. We can be self-centered in our thinking in so far as we are deeply concerned with our inner processes, but I also analyze the people around me alot. And I do mean to the point that I lose the plot entirely.

 

[twiggle]

In my past six months of personal growth I have realized how selfish I can be and have related it to the anxiety I feel in social situations. When I first heard the idea of being selfish I thought it was total BS and everyone else was selfish, I have come to realize that this really is not true.

In social situations when I am so afraid of how others will perceive me I think this characteristic is the strongest. I am only thinking about myself and how others will react to me or what they will think of ME. I am not concerned about how others are doing or what else is going on in their mind unless it comes back to me. This may sound completely off to a lot of people but I believe this is the root of the problem. I am so concerned with myself and how others view me that everything else is crowded out. I fail to realize when I am speaking in front of a big crowd that a good amount of them are probably not paying as much attention to me as I think and in most cases are more concerned with whatever is going on in their lives. I assume they notice everything that is going on with me like a red face from blushing or a trembling voice when that probably is not the case.

I feel it is a good practice to remind myself of this every time I am feeling insecure or anxious in social situations because it really does help the symptoms that go along with social anxiety. Maybe I am completely wrong and a lot of you all will disagree but personally, this realization has really helped during this period of growth.

Another honest point well made.

I have to say I agree with you, although I also think that the TheAristocrat makes a good point, I'm not sure I'd label it as being "selfish" but definitely more self-centred.

Being selfish is more about wanting the best things for yourself, putting yourself first to the point of denying others of the same things that you want and believing that you are more deserving of something than another - and taking it right away.

Self-centredness is more about turning events, words and thoughts onto yourself somehow. "They MUST be talking about me" "I want them to like me" "What did they think of my performance". In truth, I think everyone is a little bit self-centred. You have to be to survive, and to have success at things sometimes. But the difference between people with SA and people without SA is that the people without SA aren't so strung up in these thoughts and manage to balance them with genuine thoughts and hope for others.

In trying to overcome my SA, I have tried to stop looking at myself and pre-occupy myself with others a bit more and really immerse myself in their challenges. Like, "I really hope she gets that job" or "I hope he gets on great at University". Its sometimes very inspiring watching other people, and how they manage to overcome their worries and achieve things. I often look at friends who are facing challenges and see how they get over them. Not only does it inspire me, but it takes the onus off myself a little bit.

The self-centred aspect is the one thing about SA that I'm most embarassed of. But it does get hard, as I believe just from having engaged or listened to other conversations that a lot of people spend a lot of time discussing other people - trying to work out how they do the things they do. That's what keeps me so concerned with myself because I don't want them to be able to find anything negative about me.

I guess the key is just being real, all of the time. Make nothing a mystery to them and they will have nothing to dig for.

 

[sullyS25]

I agree that the word selfish sounds bad and self-centered might act as a good euphemism but in my eyes the two terms mean the same thing. They are synonyms. Either way the point still stands.

I like the what you say about pre-occupying yourself with others and immersing yourself in their challenges. In the fellowship of AA this is very big. They refer to it as getting out of yourself to help others. I think being real is key as well. Not trying to portray a picture of yourself that you think they will like. Every time I have done that I have failed miserably and the people I am around can see right through me.

 

[bigcat1967]

Selfish - focusing way too much on yourself. Carol Burnett once had SA - she said that shy ppl are the most selfish ppl in the world because they are focused so much on their own problems and not on anyone else.

I can really see that.

 

[Gerdje]

Yes, that's the idea I struggle with since years, "perhaps I'm just one extreme selfish bastard", self-centered, how will I .... ? , What will I go through when... ? ....

I feel alot with people going through hard times, I think a lot about people losing relatives, I even cry a lot when seeing others suffer, but them again I wonder, what do I do to help these people, I'm only helping myself but choosing the simple way, hide inside and doing actually nothing.


I wonder a lot what or who I should do/be when should be anxiety-free one day, should I really go out helping someone else ? Paying people a visit when they aren't doing very well ? I do a lot of these very tiny things when I do go out for a couple of hours, helping an old lady when I see here stuggle with something, it all happens in some "panic reaction", real fast, etc... but then I wonder "Perhaps I just do these tiny things once in while to really keep on ignoring doing "bigger" things in life ?

I hear others saying about me "He really is a friendly guy, always helpful when we ask him" but perhaps that's because they are just as scared about me as I am "scared" about them and how they see me....

I dunno if that's selfish behaviour, or just ways of self-protection or self-centered thinking, but I'm still wondering.

 

[Lea]

This reminds me what M. S. Peck wrote in his thoughts about narcissism in one of his books (think it was The World Waiting To Be Born). He remembers when he was young, he walked down the street and saw his schoolmate approaching. He instantly began wondering, how to make the best impression on him instead of giving thoughts about him, how he was and how he was feeling. Then they had a conversation and during that time he was solely focused on his own performance and not really giving a crap about his friend and what he had to say. The author then writes that this kind of narcissism is naturally inherent in most people and it depends on them if they cultivate it with time or leave it as it is. So it’s not only shy people.. in fact I think it’s logically a crap thinking that only because you’re shy you must be selfish. Just being hyperaware or hypersensitive to your surroundings has nothing to do with selfishness. I know that for example I am very aware of myself as a person, but as well aware of others. I am interested in them, however the difference is, that I tend to observe them like animals in the ZOO, wondering about their lives and how they are thinking and feeling, rather than knowing how to spontaneously connect with them. I perceive myself and each other person as a separate unique identity, whereas for example when I was a child, I didn’t philosophise like this and connected with other children (or rather just some of them, who I wasn’t afraid of) without thinking. I didn’t view myself as a separate indentity, neither did I view them as something unique. We did act automatically according to the impulses that nature gave us. But these impulses are rather primitive and uncultivated, likes and dislikes shallow, there is no conscious thinking or reflection. They may perceive strong feelings, but they are very superficial at the same time, therefore intense love can turn into intense hate in an instant, because it has no solid or deep or conscious roots , etc. I mean, with children this is normal and isn’t bad because they are not fully developed yet, but it seems to me that many people never start thinking even when they grow up, they still preserve the raw and uncultivated instincts and emotions and act upon them. They just feel something so they act upon it, but without asking themselves why they feel it and if it’s right what they feel. Once they start observing themselves and their thought processes closely and question them, it’s a sign of progress. Well at least the OP is doing that.. I doubt a hardcore narcissist would ever question himself and that he could be wrong..

One final thought – as for me, I don’t think I’m selfish, at least I try not to be, but of course I am no saint and make mistakes too – I am no finished product. And I don´t think it´s even important that the person makes always everything right and perfect , but that they are trying to do their best and are open to discussion and ready to apologize or admit that they were wrong if they realize they were.

About helping others: There are people who try to act as saviors for everything and everybody, but who would do better if they first tried to improve themselves because otherwise they’re only causing mess by trying to convert others to their level and style of thinking for which they are not ready yet or which they have already surpassed.. every person is unique and everyone needs their own time to find their unique way..

Edit: Sorry if I sound like a smart ass, that's because I am thinking too much but I can't help it..

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Self-protection, self-centered thinking - but not for self-centered gains. Meaning, I think most ppl here don't want to feel/be selfish. They want to rid themselves of the chains of S.A.D/AvPD/whatever so they can live their lives AND help others; NOT feel so internalized and inner-directed in constant thought/feelings.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, wanting to feel self-fulfilled and self-confidence and wanting others to simply acknowledge your existence and pain - and thus to eventually love thy self and accept yourself. You can't help others imo until you can first help yourself. Not truly anyways.... and so...

About helping others: There are people who try to act as saviors for everything and everybody, but who would do better if they first tried to improve themselves because otherwise they’re only causing mess by trying to convert others to their level and style of thinking for which they are not ready yet or which they have already surpassed.. every person is unique and everyone needs their own time to find their unique way..

Edit: Sorry if I sound like a smart ass, that's because I am thinking too much but I can't help it..

I agree mostly with this part (not the smart ass bit =D.

Anyways. I feel selfish, whatever connotation it's self-absorbed, I've missed chances to help others because how I felt or too scared of things if I "volunteered here, or did this at this moment..." etc. But if you realize this and don't want to feel selfish, you aren't selfish at all. =) It's just a matter of doing what it takes on your own time to help yourself/fight/deal with your issues.

 

[Lea]

Uplift Character - Notebooks of Paul Brunton

There are some thoughts on altruism (if you scroll more down) and other things.

 

[Falkor]

I disagree with the term selfish. Self-centered? Yes, but not selfish. We are not actually striving to gratify ourselves, but to be perfect for others so that we can be acceptable in their eyes, and in the end we only destroy ourselves. We can be self-centered in our thinking in so far as we are deeply concerned with our inner processes, but I also analyze the people around me alot. And I do mean to the point that I lose the plot entirely.

I think so too, we're not selfish, we're selfcentered because we focus too much on ourselfes, we want to be accepted, need approval, we ''FEEL'' like we are in spot light all the time, because we ''THINK'' that people are looking at us. BUT.... we don't WANT to be in spot light, we just feel this way because of being afraid of JUDGEMENTS, so we aren't GOOD enough, but at the same time we are FILLING all the wishes of all the people, we want to be ACCEPTED, but everyone is selfish by judging, right?^^ They don't THINK of what you FEEL. So in that case, we aren't SELFISH

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I think so too, we're not selfish, we're selfcentered because we focus too much on ourselfes, we want to be accepted, need approval, we ''FEEL'' like we are in spot light all the time, because we ''THINK'' that people are looking at us.

I agree that we're not "selfish", but I'm not even sure I like "self-centred" as that tends to have negative connotations too. If I had to come up with a term to describe myself, I'd say that I am "self-focused".

 

[Falkor]

I agree that we're not "selfish", but I'm not even sure I like "self-centred" as that tends to have negative connotations too. If I had to come up with a term to describe myself, I'd say that I am "self-focused".

Yeah, Self Centered sounds Selfish too :: Self Focussed is a better way to describe idd ^_^, we sa people are focussed too much on anxiety, but at the same time we see every detail around, because we are extra alert, and aware of every danger, like been throwing in a cage with lions, so now i agree with you, rembrandt broam.