being in highschool with social anxiety and possible depersonailzation.

[irandom97]

helllo, im 15 years old and am in grade ten.
last year, in grade 9, i developed a panic attack disroder and social anxiety. in december i was put on prozac 20mg, but little has changed.

before the prozac, i had alot of depersonalization thinking and i only figured it out once i got on prozac because my depersonalization thinking slowed down to the point where i dont think like that 247, but there are some days when i do.

my problem is, i have problems when i look in the mirror, its like i dont know if im really ugly or really pretty, and that leads me to be really shy when talking and i really have problems talking to people face to face, i feel like im not good with facial expressions and i am awkward looking when i listen to people, and/or talking.

being in highschool really makes me feel ****ty about myself and i start doubting whatever i do. when i see all the teenagers around me, i always think they are thinking negativly about me. the weird thing was, once grade 9 ended and summer came, i was so happy. i had confidence in myself, everything was back to normal and i thought maybe, my prozac finally kicked in and grade ten would be different.

now, grade ten is here, and the first 2 weeks were fine. but a couple days ago, i went out for a smoke with my two friends and shortly after i went into the washroom and started having a panic attack. i was breathing heavily, staring at myself in the mirror, and those depersonalization thoughts came back.

i would like to know if anyone could relate, is that when im in class, i start looking at the big picture (my depersonalization thoughts im guessing) and telling me self, " wow. im in a highschool class, with such a big classroom, with so many kids i dont know, with that weird kid in the back row, etc. " like im looking in a movie. my thinking of why this happens is because when i wasnt in hs, i would watch alot of highschool movies and think those exact things and be so excited. and now that im in it, it freaks me out alot. can anyone relate or give me advice of this aswell?

anyways, sorry for so long. can somebody relate to this at all or give me some advice? grade 9 i ended up skipping alot and crying in the bathroom stalls for the lunch and i wanted grade ten to be different,
thank you and i appreciate it

oh and by the way, i was diagonsed with social anxeity but not depersonalization. im certain that i do have depersonalization because it was rerally bad when i wasnt on prozac, my mind was racing 247 about every little thing, i could never make up decisions, (like if i had dp) but once i got on prozac i knew i did have it 247 before.

 

[surewhynot]

I too have no idea if I'm attractive or not. I think that it's kinda normal, because you see your face every day, so you get used to it which makes you totally biased.

On the depersonalization note, I do have similar feelings when I'm at parties. I compare everything that's happening to what you would predict in a movie, like the actual individuals are mere characters playing a scripted role, and everything fits in so nicely... I guess you could relate it to the theory about social roles in psychology.

I hope that you keep making progress with your anxiety issues, you seem to be on the right path

 

[irandom97]

yeeah surewhynot, but me not knowing if i am attractive or not freaks me out, i get people telling me im really pretty and my hair is awesome, and in summer i saw myself as attractive but now school and im back to not knowing.

and yes, thats exactly what happens to me! they look all like characters to me and like a movie!
thank you for relating to mee, anyone elsee?

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

I'm a guy and I can't tell the difference between guys. I could probably tell if there was a big difference, but for the most part, not at all.

I can almost instantly tell if a girl is attractive though. I think this is a normal thing for most people.

When I was depressed, I would usually think I was ugly. Now that I'm feeling better, I look attractive. I think self image has a lot to do with what you think about yourself. When you were out of school, you weren't always anxious and depersonalized so you thought you looked attractive, but now that you're in school every day and unsure about yourself, you're unsure if you're attractive or not.

My high school experience felt so different than the movies that I couldn't really compare them. Everyone seemed so outgoing and normal compared to me. It's really a silly thought to think anyone is more normal though. We're all crazy in our own way.

Most of the time when you don't think about your actions, you completely blend in. Try and watch(not too closely) other people when they're doing something. You wouldn't look any different if you did the same.

I would assume there is something subconsciously causing this, but it's hard to figure out what.

 

[Falkor]

I defenitly know what you mean. Especially after watching a specific movie, called The Truman Show by Jim Carrey. That would describe our feeling.

I know how depersonalisation feels, you feel strange, in the world, in the universe, around people, yourself.. It's like it's all a movie.

It's scaring as heck, but it all comes from thoughts, and fear.

Or, maybe a better advice.

BE THE MOVIE STAR

(i know exactly what you're going through:: ((hugs)))

I wish I could help you, but the feeling is still not researched enough, I guess it's just the fear level.... Too high, so basically we get stoned from our OWN anxiety without touching even one single drug.

It's possible, so the solution is..

No fear!!!!! and dare your happiness..


(wish I could, probably all of you want to, but maybe we should start with little things that makes us happy, not the impossible thing we can't do because of thoughts, just the happy things that you do do )

 

[laure15]

I used to like watching high school movies like Mean Girls and Confessions of A Teenage Drama Queen, but afterwards I quit watching them. Why? Because they're so exaggerated and too good to be true! They give me ideas that never come to fruition, they give me false hope. High school is nothing like what those movies make out to be.

When I was in high school, lunchtime was the worst time for me, because this means I have to go to the cafeteria and mingle with numerous other groups of students. I was very nervous. So, I usually sit with 1 or 2 friends, and having someone to talk to sort of takes some of the anxiety away. But if I have no one to sit with, I go hide in the bathroom and eat my lunch there.

 

[coyote]

if people are telling you that you are pretty, i would take them at face value - people don't really tell others that unless it's true

i know it's not always easy to believe, particularly when you've already developed a negative self-image

so many people just assume that attractive people know that they are attractive, so no one ever tells them - how else are they supped to know without some feedback?

i never got any feedback from anyone about my looks until i was about 40 years old - i'm still trying to get used to the idea that i may not be completely horrible to look at.

 

[irandom97]

When I was depressed, I would usually think I was ugly. Now that I'm feeling better, I look attractive. I think self image has a lot to do with what you think about yourself. When you were out of school, you weren't always anxious and depersonalized so you thought you looked attractive, but now that you're in school every day and unsure about yourself, you're unsure if you're attractive or not.


Most of the time when you don't think about your actions, you completely blend in. Try and watch(not too closely) other people when they're doing something. You wouldn't look any different if you did the same.

yes, that makes alot of sense! also the fact that in school the mirrors and lights are so bright it really makes me star at myself and really look at myself. its hard for me to not think about "thats me, im looking in the mirror at myself" and freak out. i try not to think that but sometimes it would happen and id have to get away from the mirror.

& well i do do that a lot, i look at other peoples actions and its not that they look different if as i would do it, its just it all seems like a highschool movie. and i strt stereotyping people and i really, really hate that. im not the kind of person to want to do that and i am really against it, but when my depersonalization comes in it really makes me doubt myself for that reason. like "why am i doing this" "am i fake that stereotypes people even though im against it?" and then i start looking at myself like im a fake. but this isnt happening now, but if i were to be off meds thats exactly what would happen.

anyways, thank you a lot! i really appreciate it.

 

[irandom97]

if people are telling you that you are pretty, i would take them at face value - people don't really tell others that unless it's true

i know it's not always easy to believe, particularly when you've already developed a negative self-image

so many people just assume that attractive people know that they are attractive, so no one ever tells them - how else are they supped to know without some feedback?

i never got any feedback from anyone about my looks until i was about 40 years old - i'm still trying to get used to the idea that i may not be completely horrible to look at.

yes, i do believe i hav a very negative self-image, but that leads me to think that people are just saying it to be nice. during the time i was seeing a therapist, she said that one of the symtoms of anxiety is that you think you can read peoples mind.

and yes, i still think this is very true. i honestly believe that people with anxiety and possible deperersonalization, are very smart at knowing whats around them and knowing how to read peoples body language.

for example, i was talking to my friend a couple days ago, and the way that he turned around and started looking at something else, really made me think that he can tell im anxious and that he doesnt want to hang out with me because of that.

anyways, thank you!

 

[sahxox]

I hated year 10.
Just started at a new school.
I perhaps said 5 things a day, only when someone spoke to me... cos u feel like ur intruding etc.
I became known as a mute and everyone around me was so happy, which made me feel more ostracised. I was the same - it was like a movie... like there's the rich girl, or the badass etc lol it was hypersensitivity to the environment.
I eventually made friends after 9 months of forcing myself to sit with these really nice people at lunchtime. Eventually I opened up more and more and now we're all good friends
I was still shy around everyone else, and often my friends would tell me of people interrogating them about me actually being able to talk. I looked in the mirror and thought how awkward I was, especially on casual wearday. But then over time I decided to disregard peoples opinions and started dressing how I liked, without fear. Cos I realise its pretty much never that someone says something bad to your actual face.. haters gonna hate lol but as long as its behind ur back, who cares?
So I did just that and some of the people I had originally been too shy to talk too started talking behind my back, but saying they loved my style!! It was the absolute polar opposite to my expectations. Its almost like when you need approval the most, u never get it. But when you finally have enough confidence to step above it, it happens!
Bit long winded but basic moral is to try to forget about everyone else and focus on being you... easier said then done, but its achievable!
p.s. i did end up surviving high school in the end... it was absolutely horrible in years 8 and 10, but graduated last week and was actually sad to leave!!

 

[Helmaninquiel]

I know how you feel. I'm in the adult learning centre getting my grade 12 and its really hard on me, I don't like talking to anyone, all I want to do is my work and I have a feeling people are trying to get me to be more social and it's annoying the **** out of me.. I don't want to be like anyone else but me and I'm pretty sure my matureity level compared to these people is like sky rocketed to the moon and back. It's just like grr, annoying!

 

[Razzlecherry]

I know how you feel. I'm in the adult learning centre getting my grade 12 and its really hard on me, I don't like talking to anyone, all I want to do is my work and I have a feeling people are trying to get me to be more social and it's annoying the **** out of me.. I don't want to be like anyone else but me and I'm pretty sure my matureity level compared to these people is like sky rocketed to the moon and back. It's just like grr, annoying!

You lucky son of a jackal. I wish people would be like that to me.

 

[OceanMist]

High school is hell for someone with SA. there isn't a way to give you that soft.

You have to muscle through it and graduate and get out of there. That should be your goal. After high school, that shallow annoying crowd starts to die down and people will start lightening up.

It's still tough after high school, but many people are more mature, which is a nice break.

 

[irandom97]

thank you to everyone who replied, i think today was the worst
i was with some people having a smoke and it was just the 3 of them talking and my depersonalization kicked in and it looked like to me im just there. so i left and school was really bad after that..
before my meds, i remember i would have this huge problem that i looked different some days and i looked good on some days and completely ugly on other days.. today was an ugly day. and that creates a bad day for me at highschoool.
can anyone give me suggestions of what i should do? things are going to get even worse since its just semptember, what should i do?
i think i should ask my doctor for a higher dosage and maybe that would help.

 

[findingbeauty]

Hi, irandom97, I know it's really hard to do anything when anxiety strikes in public, but I would practice grounding techniques throughout the day. So when you walk on campus, for example, take a few minutes to notice sensations and your surroundings - how your feet feel when they meet the ground each step, how the temperature/sun/wind feel on your skin, notice the sensation of breathing, look around and notice where you are, and then do this periodically throughout the day, noticing what it feels like to be in your body and letting go of thoughts and analysis. It may sound strange but by being more connected with your body it helps keep you in reality and has a calming effect if you just focus on each moment. When you are alone, you can also do this with your anxiety - notice the sensations of it and observe it as though you were a scientist observing an experiment, quiet your thoughts and just observe all the physical sensations, particularly focusing on your breathing. Anyway, this helps me when I choose to practice it. Sometimes, if my anxiety or depression are really bad, I'll tell myself, "My name is ___. Today is September 27, 2012. I was born on ___ in ___. I'm __ years old. I live in ___. Etc." Not that I don't know of have forgotten, but helps me to really notice and bring things into perspective and help me feel connected to the here and now. Hope any of that helps! Good luck!