Being a good person.

Miserum

Well-known member
#1
I bet everyone on this forum is a kind, decent, altruistic human being, that, for the most part, would not hurt a fly.

Maybe that's our problem (I'll speak for myself at least). A while back, I think someone made a thread about this wherein "sensitive people," to our (people with social phobia) level of sensitivity, were said to be outliers in the human population. I may just believe that.

I think that possibly, our sensitivity, our drive to be kind, just, and caring people, is precisely what makes things bad for us. It makes us doormats for normal people that couldn't give one iota about the types of things that bother people like us (in the sense that these irritations are not even on their radar). Maybe what we need is a change in core philosophy to improve our lives. Maybe we should do a little less for others, and more for ourselves. Like people that aren't held down by their sensitivity. When we stop considering other people so much, by default, we probably care less about the "consequences" of our actions, which can free our minds, in a sense. I put "consequences" in quotes to imply that the "consequences" are only consequences to people like us, who are overly sensitive.

Oh yeah, and... this is open for discussion. This is by no means a set-in-stone statement.
 
#2
I have two comments, one is more general on the topic, and the other is about me more specifically.

The more general is about this idea that having SA comes with these unique, positive qualities, like that we are all "kind, decent, altruistic" or other qualities like that we are smarter, more creative, harder working, more empathetic, or a myriad of other things. I think it's a mistake to think of things this way. I think you're right that a lot of people on the forum are kind and decent and altruistic, but I also think there are a lot of SA people who are none of those things as well. And furthermore, I think connecting the two almost gives credit to something like SA for giving us our good qualities, and it suggest the idea that in order to diminish something like SA we'd have to diminish the good qualities that we associate with it. Things like SA are hurdles, not facilitators.

I somewhat say all that from experience, as I have at a point in my life taken steps to focus on myself, and not care as much about things or other people or the consequences of my actions. I would say at best it offered temporary relief, until I started to register how big of an asshole it was making me. Then I was much worse off as all of a sudden much of my anxieties were more justified. It wasn't in my head that people had a distaste for me, or for some irrational reason my mind created to keep me up at night.

Maybe a core philosophy change would be helpful to some, but I would say to be wary. And to take any change you'd make independent of SA. If you take out the implication that the changes would help your SA, is it a change still worth making?
 
#3
The more general is about this idea that having SA comes with these unique, positive qualities, like that we are all "kind, decent, altruistic" or other qualities like that we are smarter, more creative, harder working, more empathetic, or a myriad of other things. I think it's a mistake to think of things this way. I think you're right that a lot of people on the forum are kind and decent and altruistic, but I also think there are a lot of SA people who are none of those things as well. And furthermore, I think connecting the two almost gives credit to something like SA for giving us our good qualities, and it suggest the idea that in order to diminish something like SA we'd have to diminish the good qualities that we associate with it. Things like SA are hurdles, not facilitators.
My exact thoughts

I bet everyone on this forum is a kind, decent, altruistic human being, that, for the most part, would not hurt a fly.

Maybe that's our problem (I'll speak for myself at least). A while back, I think someone made a thread about this wherein "sensitive people," to our (people with social phobia) level of sensitivity, were said to be outliers in the human population. I may just believe that.

I think that possibly, our sensitivity, our drive to be kind, just, and caring people, is precisely what makes things bad for us. It makes us doormats for normal people that couldn't give one iota about the types of things that bother people like us (in the sense that these irritations are not even on their radar). Maybe what we need is a change in core philosophy to improve our lives. Maybe we should do a little less for others, and more for ourselves. Like people that aren't held down by their sensitivity. When we stop considering other people so much, by default, we probably care less about the "consequences" of our actions, which can free our minds, in a sense. I put "consequences" in quotes to imply that the "consequences" are only consequences to people like us, who are overly sensitive.

Oh yeah, and... this is open for discussion. This is by no means a set-in-stone statement.
I think that social phobia keeps us from standing up for ourselves and taking our place, and the condition itself possibly makes us more sympathetic towards people who struggle in general, but to me there is something very self-centered with social phobia. Because to some level there is the feeling that everything is about you. I don't know if you see what I mean. If anything, the need to do things for others is a self preservation instinct due to the fact that we need help from others to survive in this world since we are so ill-adapted to it.

That was my cynical contribution to the discussion :D Sorry I'm in a bad mood
 
#4
I think generalizing and lumping people into groups, labeling is not an accurate or fair thing to do. I realize most people don't mean to do that, I do it at times as well. But I see everyone as an individual who's needs and psyche are unique. On a spectrum of want's, needs, desires and everything else, no 2 people are the same.

I agree that people should think more of their needs first, but not at the expense of others. If your needs are being met and you are feeling whole, then you will be in a much better position to be able to help people.

I see myself as a sensitive person, but only in certain areas of my life. I like helping people but I need to have my own shit sorted into one sock first. I certainly do not allow myself to be used as a doormat, although I have seen quite a few people who do get used like that.
 

Bronson99

Well-known member
#5
... but I also think there are a lot of SA people who are none of those things as well.
(raises hand) That's definitely true for me. "Altruistic" with me in the same sentence would be not simply wrong, it'd be ridiculous enough to be a good joke!

I don't go out of my way to help others, I go out of my way to simply get out of the way, so I don't have any obligations to anyone else.

I'm also unfathomably selfish and care little for the interests of others, unless they overlap with mine.

I'm also pathologically envious and embittered about those who only want to "get ahead" (often with great success) at the same time as feeling above them and their pathetic, juvenile obsession with social conformity.

I'll nonetheless admit that there is a paradox at work here, because I am also highly sensitive, empathic in a general sense, present as decent and kind, and I'm loyal and honest. But beneath that I am simply terrible and pretty much only concerned with my own interests. It's best for folks not to get to know me too well, because the amount of frustration, insecurity, and anger built up, is absolutely combustible!
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
#9
I don't think people with depression or anxiety disorders are better people. I think they have the ability of being more empathetic than most, maybe, which helps them pay more attention to other people's emotions and thus be able to help them because they know what they're going through. Better people, not necessarily.

But you're right, though: people with anxiety or depression are often kinder to others rather than towards themselves, and can more easily be empathetic towards others because they're more attentive to other people's states of mind.
 
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Kiwong

Well-known member
#10
My anxious self was an angry dick. Introspectively was my middle name. I thought about my fear all the time, no-one else. Angry with the world and everyone in it. Defensive- seeing the most innocuous comments as a personal attack.

I think there needs to be a balance between looking after yourself, and being kind and considerate to others, not to please them, but to be compassionate. That is also a way to connect, doing less for others can be a way to become isolated, which only makes anxiety worse
 
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