BAD PARENTING: Cause of your social phobia???

[fedupoffear88]

Hello,
I believe the cause of my SP/SA are my parents, especially my dad. They constantly keep on comparing me to others, and sometimes the comparisons are not even rational. For ex. I just turned 21, and they'll compare me to a 28 yr old who is married and has kids, tellin me that you are worthless and that person is so successful and hardworking, that you are not smart enough or capable enough to find a good job, you are lazy and senseless, and all kinds of bs like that. This constant nagging has been goin on for years, and i fed up of it. I feel like leavin this fu*kin house any min, but don't have a job for past 3 months and can't find any good friend to move in with me. This happens almost every single day. Also he wud not lemme hang out late or hang out at all most of the time, and for that reason my social life is non-existant. Always, whenever my friends ask me to hang out with them, i gotta refuse everytime, cuz of him. And so after awhile they don't even ask. When i wud find a job at some store or something, he wud tell me that the job wud not give me any benefit and that it's useless, find a better job. And then few days later he'll start telling me how i don't work and earn any money, or how i'm so dependent. What the f@#k is this, i can't take this shit anymore!!! I believe the constant feeling of worthlessness, that arises from this, is the cause of mah social phobia.
Tell me your story....

 

[FOR REAL]

i have to say my parents and all my familly are great, they understand my SA

in saying that, i think my dad will be a little bit more than angry when he comes home from france, and realises ive drank most of his "special reserved" wine and port!!!

 

[Forgetmenot_ak]

I know what you mean. I love my parents and never considered them the cause of my SA, but I can very much relate to what you said about them constantly comparing you and putting you down. I just turned 21 as well, and I'm always being compared to my siblings. My mom used to cry when I was in middle school, telling me that she was the reason I had such low self esteem, telling me that she put me down too much... it sucks and it's hard.

Just last night my mom told me that I'm worthless. She even found out that I'd been going on this forum (my parents LOVE to snoop around in my life) and she thinks it's "bad for me" to talk to others with SA. Sometimes she puts me down so much that I'm tempted to just get drunk, be a reckless mess, do anything to distract or redirect the emotional pain. My mom has gone as far as to tell me that I'm humiliating to her and the family, I'll never amount to my sisters, I'll always be a lazy screw up...

If you need someone to talk to, you can message me any time. I very much understand.

 

[Pookah]

^ That message breaks my heart. I'm very sorry Forgetmenot_ak

My parents don't really want to understand the illness, they were hoping I could be handed off to the psych professionals and drugged out of it. Because they themselves don't feel or understand it they believe it should be easily overcome. They were not the most attentive of parents, left me to my own devices. I was shy and am told I am on the autistic spectrum so the non-socialization in the beginning was probably harmful.

I don't like to see my father because he does nothing but criticize. My mother overeacts to everything. She could ask me to run an errand for her and if I can't find the thing she wanted at the store or something she flips out like I have control over what they stock. I believe this contributed to my skewed perceptions. That I think everything/everyone is going to blow up in my face and judge me. I feel powerless.

 

[PunkRotten]

I understand it all. Pretty much all that has been said I have experienced myself. It defeinitely contributes to my low self esteem, makes me have frequent thoughts of suicide.

I actually didnt have very much parental guidance. My dad died when I was 14, and pretty much my mom just left me and my brother to figure everything out for ourselves. I love my mom and all, but shes put me down alot. I really feel just like a big kid despite my age. There was alot of things I wasnt taught. And on the flipside, some things I had to learn and found out the hard way, now I associate it with negativity.


But bad parenting definely does have a big impact on SA, and even panic disorder.


Over protection, over criticism, abuse etc. Doesnt mean you cant ever get better and learn things and get stronger.

 

[Ericisme]

Yup, it CAN be related to it, or it can have nothing to do with it, depends on the situation. But, you CAN base your life according to the start of your socializing, with your parents. If they failed at it, maybe ignored you, didn't care, wasn't there, was mean, or any type of bad thing. You can end up basing your life off that. If they were bad to you, abused in any way. You can live your life not trusting anyone, afraid of everyone. Same with if they ignored you. But, people can get abused and ignored and still end up normal, I guess it just depends.

 

[Lexmark]

Yep
its usually the mother
coz females in general cant control there shit
and they dont forget emotion abuse they experienced and will spoon feed it to there kids
then they complain how there children arent normal when there older but they did there best

 

[Fighter86]

Well, my parents don't come right out and say its my fault, but my mom always has that tone in her voice when she praises other people's children, like how she expects we can be like them. Like how she goes on about how capable a relative's daughter is because she studied overseas and graduated with a master's, but I also need to highlight hell yes, she certainly can do that because her dad spend like $200,000 for her to go overseas to studying her master's, paying for everything from her education to lodging to food. If my parents did that for me, I certainly could do a master's too. They always make such comparisons but they never realise just how much other kids' parents are doing for them, they are doing alot more compared to my parents, maybe that's why other people's kids are so successful.


But really, even as a young child, I was never encouraged to socialised, and even now, I'm not. I stay home every weekend and they actually prefer me this way than out meeting people, so what can I say? For now, I'm tired of pointing a finger at them and complaining in their face, I just ignore them when they make comparisons, and I do things to help further my own life because they sure as hell aren't helping me. My dad only goes to the temple and gets some weird stuff from some preist or something and makes me take it, thinking it would make all problems go away, that's their extend for helping me, if it would help, my problems would have vanished years ago. Now, if they could just leave me alone and not bother me, I could at least try to pick up the pieces of my life. Not that I'm doing a great job but its better than nothing.

 

[Drongo]

I believe my parents have played a role in my SA, although I don't feel that blaming them will do me any good.

My father did the same crap, he refused to acknowledge my anxiety as a problem although would pretend to in an extremely condescending and patronizing manner; he would also constantly compare me to my best (and only) friend at the time, which in the end made me resent them both. He would also constantly label me a liar due to his own delusions of persecution, I recall once being screamed at for being a liar when I was about 10 due to a missing (of all things) tomato sauce bottle; in the end, he had it.

I think the most important fundamental facets I missed as a child were real values and healthy coping methods, even if they would be replaced as I grew older, they would suffice for a naive child.

 

[gio289]

I KNOW that my parents are the reason i have such bad problems. Its genetic as well as the amount of crap I had to go thru when I was younger. I try to forgive and forget but its hard as hell. The only thing I can do is just try to be a beter parent if i ever get to be one. The way my parents brought me and my siblings up just keeps playing in my head and it gets so hard to think that i cud be a better one. but I'll be damned if my child or children grow up the way I did.

 

[Forgetmenot_ak]

Yep
its usually the mother
coz females in general cant control there shit
and they dont forget emotion abuse they experienced and will spoon feed it to there kids
then they complain how there children arent normal when there older but they did there best

I'm not so sure about it being just moms and just because moms are women. My father is dettached and he's always been much more physically abusive than my mother. I don't fully say that my parents (both) caused my SA, but I know for certain that my father is a large reason for my lack of trust in men... Even having said that, though, I know amazing men. You can't just say "women are crazy, men aren't"..

 

[fedupoffear88]

Over protection, over criticism, abuse etc. Doesnt mean you cant ever get better and learn things and get stronger.

Sorry to hear about your struggles, but over protection, and over criticism are the two main reasons for my SA. And yeah one can always get stronger and more confident, but i wonder when that'll happen for me cuz the way it's rite now, it's impossible to change

Bad parenting definitely does have a big impact on SA, and even panic disorder.
And my mom was not much of a problem until lately with my dad she too keeps on comparing and criticizing me. But my dad has been like taht for years. I remember back when i was in 8th and 9th grade, i had to just sneak outta the house to go play a soccer match. Totally ridiculous!!! All my friends wud ask me surprised that what kind of a father i have....he didn't lemme expose myself much socially and as a result im a such a self conscious, socially anxious person today.::

 

[zlench]

I find that my mum is always on my case to go out there and soicialise. As for my dad he's tend times more relaxed and doesn't have a problem about it.

 

[becc]

Well my Mum had SAD just as bad as me, when I was little there were some serious issues in her life and she did not socialize me with other kids or teach me common courtesies like saying hello when somebody says hello to you, or saying thank you, nice to meet you, little things that. So I was always getting hassled for not being able to talk to people and being a rude child from a very young age. My sister took great delight in telling me that one of her friends asked if I can actually talk to anybody. So you just end up coming to the conclusion that you are bad at talking to people, talking is awkward and embarrassing and just stop.

Mum passed on her genes, bad social habits yes. When I started looking for help from counselors and therapists, she was skeptical I even had issues - because in her day if you have problems tough, there is no help. She was always criticizing me for going on anti-depressants and seeking therapy - saying I don't need it. It was when I started to get dramatically better that she started to see I was right to want to improve my life, and she had CBT as well

I have noticed babies are very good at sensing fear. I am assuming also that when my Mum would have a bit of panic, I as a young child would notice it and become scared because my protector and provider was scared. Perhaps I learnt to be scared in social situations from her, I am not sure.

 

[Satine]

Both of my parents were bad for very different reasons and both contributed. Mum was aggressive and always on her toes about anything I or dad said or did that she deemed out of line, while dad was heavily depressed. I don't think it helped that he is a chauvanist, either. I'm the only sister; my other siblings are brothers. To a man who considers masculinity the ultimate qualification, I suppose I'll never match up.

That's why I don't really bother with him these days, and he wonders why I don't like him very much.

 

[LycraPantiies92]

i have to say my parents and all my familly are great, they understand my SA

in saying that, i think my dad will be a little bit more than angry when he comes home from france, and realises ive drank most of his "special reserved" wine and port!!!

Hmm..my parents were not the best parents really lol. My dad was too strict and my mum did nothing about anything. So i kinda got used to being able to shout and swear and be nasty to her but not my dad - i knew i would get punished. So maybe that made me think i could only talk to people that would, like, be nice to me ;s maybe. Or people that wouldn't go way ott at every single thing i did wrong like my dad. It seemed i could never do anything right. I remember once a phone line was being put in or something and he said to me 'don't fall over that wire whatever ye do'! so what did i do? fell over the wire !::
...uum and yh. i got a nasty now
made me scared and i always cried rly a lot even when it wasn't a major telling off or even if i wasn't hit or anything. Just made me scared and reserved. But aye it was rows rows more rows tbh. And i actually think my mum shud not have had kidss cos she clearly didn't know how to even be a parent. >.<
Anyhoo..
xx

 

[Richey]

The problem that i believe influenced my anxiety issues and fear of taking risks was partly because my parents were so uptight and strict about every little last detail and rule! at the same time they brought me and my sister up by taking care of everything so we didnt learn it all for ourselves and that rubbed off on me in that i'd always feel stressed out and paranoid in their presence. the tone of their voices are also really authoritarian and condescending even amongst their friends, they talk down to everyone when they dont agree on a subject so their people skills were way off the mark.

now i look at my cousins and all six of them are free spirited and don't feel caged in at all because my uncle is more of a fun loving people person ho doesnt have anger problems, so its interesting how things turn out with the influence of parents ....

then again my sister turned out great because she flourished at high school and made a lot of friends but even she admits that living at home was too stressful for her

there is also alot of dysfunction on my dads side, in that his relationship with his brother, sister and dad has always been topsy turvey.

so i grew up in a hostile environment and household one where i felt caged in and deprived of fun and happy influences.