Assertive-ness

[shy.girl]

Hello All,

I am new to the forums and lately I have been trying to put my mind to becoming more assertive but I always feel like I am being rude or pushy if I stand up for myself. I really dislike people who seem impolite and discourteous and Im afraid that I will feel or appear very aggressive, rather then assertive.

Also in my mind being an assertive person is being very outgoing and vocal, whereas I am more hopeful to just carry a sort of strong almost "dont-mess-with-me" (in the nicest way that could come across) aura about me. Any ideas on how to convey that...erm attitude? I guess I think that assertiveness is like putting people in place when they are unkind to you, or telling them to cut it out. And I feel like that is too scary for me?

Any ideas on how to become more assertive?

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Whenever I'm forced to put somebody in check, I do it in a joking manner. That way, they get the message but usually don't get offended.

Example:

Them - "I may have to get you to help me-out for a few more hours than we originally agreed on."

Me - "I may have to tell you to eat it. My ass is going home. Ha Ha Ha"

 

[worrywort]

Yea I find it really hard to be assertive too, cause I really don't want people to think badly of me. I think it's a really complicated issue with no real black or white solution and it can depend on the type of situation you're in.

One thing that helps me is to find a role model of the kind of assertive person you'd like to be more like. For me it's my brother. He has a very real, down to earth, firm but fair approach and I often think, "what would my brother do in this situation?"

The other thing that helps me is to try to remember that even though it's scary being assertive, in the long run it's often the assertive ones that get the more respect, and once people have had time to calm down they're often very thankful for being put in their place.

Plus one other thing is that I always try to seperate my opinion of myself from other peoples opinions of me, cause I know myself better than anybody else, and I know that I'm only trying to do the right thing. So if it all gets a bit hairy and people start looking badly at me, I just try to stand firm, keep confidence in myself and try not to doubt myself.

and one final thing I'd say is always be prepared to apologise if you are ever wrong! That should hold you in good stead!

 

[shy.girl]

Thanks Fountain and Worrywort!

Worrywort your brother sounds exactly like the person I want to be, but Im not close to anybody with that assertive character, so its tough to imagine what they would do. In fact the only place Ive seen admirable leadership or assertiveness and taken mental note...is in Star Trek. Oof.

 

[jhanniffy]

I'm a complete pushover!

 

[worrywort]

Thanks Fountain and Worrywort!

Worrywort your brother sounds exactly like the person I want to be, but Im not close to anybody with that assertive character, so its tough to imagine what they would do. In fact the only place Ive seen admirable leadership or assertiveness and taken mental note...is in Star Trek. Oof.

haha, that's ok, fictional characters work too! I've often found summoning the spirit of Forrest Gump during tricky life descisions works wonders!