Anxy's journal

[Anxy]

I used to vent on deviantART very often, but it really isn't a good place to do it. Plus, people start to hate you and they're right. I thought I could share my feelings here, because why not? I always wanted to have a blog, where I could write whatever I want and be rather anonymous. But most of my blogs failed, so here I am now.

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A day before yesterday I happily went with my friends to a near city for a mountain trip. I must admit I was quite scared, because I have problems with riding in a car (I tend to vomit if the ride's too long), but nothing bad happend. And I'm thankful for that. I also have tachycardia, so I was scared I won't be able to make it to the mountain's top. But somehow, I did it. I was really happy. I'm fully sure now that I hate climbing mountains, though the view at the top was amazing.

Yesterday my friends told me they want to go climbing the same mountain again. I thought... really? It's so exhausting... And it won't be the same. I think it's too early to go to the same place again, but meh, I'm not the one to decide anyway. They also want to see the waterfall that day, so it's kind of awesome, but I don't really want to climb on the mountain again, even if I had lots of fun on the way! I already said that I'm not sure if I want to go, and we thought about different places, but no, they want to climb on that mountain again, because as they say, it has the he most amazing view. Meh, just meh. Not sure if I want to go there again...

 

[Anxy]

Yesterday I learned that curiosity is often considered a bad thing. And that your friends aren't supposed to answer you every time you ask something. My friendship is again, in doubt. If they're friends, why are they just hiding their problems from me? I feel bad for being open with them... I should probably keep a distance, and only talk openly with my Internet friends. The good news, though is that I'm really sure now I found my soul sister. We may not have the same interests, and our personalities may vary, but we can always cry on one's shoulder, tell anything, and generally... my friend may have undiagnosed social phobia too.

 

[Anxy]

Yesterday I learned that my friends really are not supposed to answer me any time I ask, but it is my duty to answer them no matter what. When they knocked on my door and I said I can't go out and didn't say why, one friend just told them ''Yeah, leave her alone''. Where's the logic here?! Nevermind, it's just me, I always do everything wrong. Everybody else's fine.

 

[Anxy]

Yesterday I learned that friends are supposed to hide their secrets from you and tell them only certain friends. Alright, it's all sooo fair, right?

 

[laure15]

Yesterday I learned that curiosity is often considered a bad thing. And that your friends aren't supposed to answer you every time you ask something. My friendship is again, in doubt. If they're friends, why are they just hiding their problems from me? I feel bad for being open with them... I should probably keep a distance, and only talk openly with my Internet friends. The good news, though is that I'm really sure now I found my soul sister. We may not have the same interests, and our personalities may vary, but we can always cry on one's shoulder, tell anything, and generally... my friend may have undiagnosed social phobia too.

I experience the same with my friends too. I wonder if they don't trust me with their problems or if they're just too embarassed to talk about them. But then again, I'm not very close to any of my current friends. I used to be close to my childhood friends - we would hug, hang out a lot, talk about sensitive things, but not anymore. Some people lost interest in me. Others tried to get closer to me but I kept a distance so they go "meh."

 

[Anxy]

I experience the same with my friends too. I wonder if they don't trust me with their problems or if they're just too embarassed to talk about them. But then again, I'm not very close to any of my current friends. I used to be close to my childhood friends - we would hug, hang out a lot, talk about sensitive things, but not anymore. Some people lost interest in me. Others tried to get closer to me but I kept a distance so they go "meh."

Well, for me this issue is kind of resolved, but I'm still not sure what to do. I mean my friends did tell me some things they didn't want to in the beginning, but still, if something bad happens, it's always ''What happend?'' ''Nothing...''. Sure it's the same as I almost always reposnd, but in the end, I think we all have the same problem.
I never wasn't really, really close with someone from real life, but it's good to hear you had someone like that. I think people lose interest in us (both you, and me, because I had the same) simply because they grow up. Some people when they grow up, change theirselves. I know a lot of people who do that. Me too. Kind of.
Well, I'm not that good at giving advice, but maybe you should try to hang out with these friends that actually show some interest, hm? They may think you're just unaproachable, or don't want to talk to them. If I was you, I'll show them that I care. I mean, it's your life and stuff, but you could try. Who knows, maybe they'll actually be good friends?

 

[Anxy]

Today I'm totally tired. I don't feel like doing anything. Really. I don't have the strenght to do my homework, and I'm quite afraid my so called friends will come, so we can go outside. Outside... again. I'm outside almost everyday. I feel like I should do a little break. But then, they might think I'm mad at them. I don't know what to do. I feel like sinking into a dark hole... The good thing is, one of these people seems to be anxious or just simply shy. I might be able to talk more with this person. Meh. The other friends seem to ignore me, even though they're always like ''Go outside, NOW!''. Of course, it's all in good fun. I still feel ignored. Maybe I'm imagining things?

 

[Anxy]

Still ignored. Even though I enjoy talking with my friends, I seem out of place when they talk about things I don't know anything, or I'm not interested in the topic.
Talking about anxiety, today I had to stand up and reply to teacher's questions. Then... I literally forgot about everything I learned and I didn't know what to answer. I knew some of these, but damn, I forgot a lot easy things! I got an C, but it could be better. I wanted to cry, I was all shaky, I knew I could do better than that! ...or maybe not? After all, it seems that I'm the worst pupil in the class when it comes to marks.

 

[Lamb]

Still ignored. Even though I enjoy talking with my friends, I seem out of place when they talk about things I don't know anything, or I'm not interested in the topic.
Talking about anxiety, today I had to stand up and reply to teacher's questions. Then... I literally forgot about everything I learned and I didn't know what to answer. I knew some of these, but damn, I forgot a lot easy things! I got an C, but it could be better. I wanted to cry, I was all shaky, I knew I could do better than that! ...or maybe not? After all, it seems that I'm the worst pupil in the class when it comes to marks.

I've always felt out of place among the friends I've had. Then again, I also know there are qualities they appreciated about me. It's ok to be uninterested in topics, and sometimes better to be a listener regarding topics you don't know about. Asking your friends questions may ease your mind of feeling like you stand out, and also shows attentiveness. You can also try changing the topic direction towards something else if the chatter starts to get annoying, lol.

As for the anxiety in class, is it a public speaking fear? Having mind blanks is a common occurrence so I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sorry that happened to you. You can improve. :thumbup:

 

[jc972]

Still ignored. Even though I enjoy talking with my friends, I seem out of place when they talk about things I don't know anything, or I'm not interested in the topic.
Talking about anxiety, today I had to stand up and reply to teacher's questions. Then... I literally forgot about everything I learned and I didn't know what to answer. I knew some of these, but damn, I forgot a lot easy things! I got an C, but it could be better. I wanted to cry, I was all shaky, I knew I could do better than that! ...or maybe not? After all, it seems that I'm the worst pupil in the class when it comes to marks.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I don't know why teachers like to do that to people. Never made any sense to me.

 

[Anxy]

I've always felt out of place among the friends I've had. Then again, I also know there are qualities they appreciated about me. It's ok to be uninterested in topics, and sometimes better to be a listener regarding topics you don't know about. Asking your friends questions may ease your mind of feeling like you stand out, and also shows attentiveness. You can also try changing the topic direction towards something else if the chatter starts to get annoying, lol.

As for the anxiety in class, is it a public speaking fear? Having mind blanks is a common occurrence so I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sorry that happened to you. You can improve. :thumbup:

Wow, thanks for the help. I really appearciate it! I'd definitely try, as soon as I can!

I guess so. I'm always shaky when it comes to standing up or talking in the front of everyone. I did perform some shows and presentations in the past, and nobody laughed, so I don't know why I'm still stressed. It comes naturally... It wasn't that bad. It's just the fact, that it happens quite often.

 

[Anxy]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I don't know why teachers like to do that to people. Never made any sense to me.

Actually, I didn't worry much. Though I was a little bit mad and stressed by this.

 

[Anxy]

I think I found a soulmate. She doesn't have the same likes/dislikes as me, but I feel like I could talk with her without end, even though sometimes we don't know what to say. Ah, yesterday was a good day. Though I felt like one of my friends was mad at us. Maybe not at us, but about something? I don't know, he didn't want to tell anyone. I hope I'll find out soon.

Today I feel really rushed. Somehow I still managed to get on the internet. I'm really stressed and not sure if I can do everything I have to for school. I should probably get to work now, right? Right. Just leaving this here, and going back to finish stuff I got to do!

 

[Anxy]

I feel more confident day by day. It's a slow process, but I feel like things are better. Can't wait to meet my friends again today.

 

[Lamb]

I feel more confident day by day. It's a slow process, but I feel like things are better. Can't wait to meet my friends again today.

That's good to hear, Anxy.

 

[Anxy]

Starting to be more active in the real world, losing Internet friends. Not sure if I'm entirely happy with it. I want to go back to these good times I had with my Internet friends. Depressed again.

 

[Anxy]

Bad weather, no homework to do, no friends to hang out with. Oh wait, I still have the Internet.

 

[Anxy]

It's so cold... And I feel sick. I think it's time to rebuild my Internet friendships. And finish the work I still have to do.

 

[Anxy]

Still kind of sick. Staying at home today. Probably.

 

[Anxy]

Stayed at home yesterday. Finally! I rested a little, I feel better. Oh, and I did Myers-Briggs personality test! I scored INTJ. Almost everything fits me.