Anxy's journal

[Anxy]

I was again pushed to go out yesterday. It wasn't THAT bad. At least I ate some raspberries.

It is not understandable for me how much my friends want to get me out of the house. I mean, I'm the weird (though not the weirdest) person who just throws not-so-funny-nor-good jokes and is easily getting into arguments. I don't see how they can like me. Sure, it's good that they care about me, but... I just want to rest for a while. But I don't want to tell them, because I'm not sure if it's right to do so.

Day by day, as my phobia goes, I'm more and more socially unstable. I thought it'd be good if I go and spend time with people, but maybe it'll be better if I stay at home? I'm scared of telling someone from IRL about my fear, about this... mental... illness... I just recently realised that I'm not normal and probably never will be. Because I'm ill. Mentally ill. It's no good. When I'd say that to someone, they would probably leave me (because in their opinion mentally ill people are creepers and weirdos who are dangerous) or treat me VERY differently. Though if we are really going to be friends... I shouldn't worry them about my mental health and problems, but... I should tell them what's wrong. I'm trapped. I don't know what to do, but I have no time to think as the time quickly goes on and on... I'm scared.

 

[Anxy]

The bell rang. I walked to the door and opened them. A friend of mine showed up. Of course, she wanted me to go out. I asked ''Why do you need me? You have others, like [insert names here]!'' and then she replied ''Because it's no fun without you!'' Oh... I just shut my mouth for a while and said I still can't go out, because I got things to do (which was true actually, but if I wanted to go outside REALLY badly, I'd manage to do so). And she left. Then a few hours later another friend showed up and wanted me to go out too. I refused.

I don't really understand what's so ''cool'' about me... I gotta ask people again I guess... But wouldn't that be considered begging for compliments?

 

[Anxy]

Said some nonsense to teacher today. I wasn't prepared for being asked about things. Others laughed at me. My legs were shaking, though not as much as always. I don't give a shit what others say anymore.

 

[Anxy]

Why do I have to be who I am? People keep telling me to be myself... but I don't want to be someone who's throwing shit at people when angry and then acting like the victim and crying... I really hate myself sometimes. I try to change, really. But I'm not sure if I can keep up.

My life was pretty good, then it all changed. My friends left me, but I suffered it. I didn't care. Then yesterday they came back. I don't see them the same way as I did before. They changed... or I changed? I don't feel so safe around them anymore. I discovered that the world isn't as nice as I thought. It's just an endless war and only the strongest people will win it.
I see no point in my existence sometimes. I'm weaker than others. I don't want to be treated specifically. I want to be treated normally. I hate my Social Anxiety. It's always taking me away from dreams, and pushing into the dark hole of sadness.

I try to enjoy life. But I can't. I feel mad at my parents. They want my ''good'', but I don't want their help. I hate them seeing me crying, because then they tell me that I should take pills again, that I should visit the doctor. I hate psychologists. I hate psychiatrists. I hate therapists. I'm not a normal girl who's ok with them. I feel imprisoned, when I hear about these things. I want to be free.

Not sure if I really have friends irl, not sure if i can trust them. It always seems they still want me back, but I don't want to be the only one who's saying what their problems are. Should I trust them? Tell them about my anxiety? What if this all will ruin things? I don't want to be seen as the sick one.

I need help... But I don't want to beg for it. I don't want to ask for it. Not my irl friends. Not my parents. I want help, but I don't want to be helped. I don't want to feel like a victim once again. I don't want to be that girl with mental illness. Sometimes, I just want to die.

 

[Anxy]

It all sorted out... Wait, no. Not all. Just a part of it. My friends are back. It was all a misunderstanding. It's just not the same way as it was. Did I change? Or did they change?

 

[Anxy]

I can't stand the feeling of not saying everything. I want to tell about my SA, but then again, it might ruin my life completely. I don't know what to do...

 

[Anxy]

It's getting worse and worse. Should I seek for my friends' help or just leave the problem for myself? My life's a mess...

 

[Anxy]

Sometimes I just want to die. I hate the feeling of guilt because of things I've done, written or said. I'm growing to be more, and more afraid of stating my opinion in public. Just because my opinion is ''different'', or is the opposite of yours doesn't mean you should hate me. I respect things you say, even if I don't like them. Please be the same with me. Don't make me feel guilty yet again.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

 

[Anxy]

Decided I'll tell one of my friends about my SA whenever I'll be able to do so. I wonder what will happen...

 

[Anxy]

Didn't tell anyone, there's no need to. They won't be my real friends anyway. The plus is, I found a really nice person in an old friend from school. A shame our ways were separated, but at least it's all good again. Hopefully we can keep it up. She's the most understanding person I ever met. She never judges your likes, never jokes about it. If I had to tell somebody about my SA - it'll be her who knows first.

Life bores me. Even receiving presents, or money isn't as fun as it was before. I'm not happy about Christmas either. Nothing brings me happiness. I hate who I became. I start to stop being honest, because of everyone telling me that I shouldn't say certain things, because of manners.

I thought people with SA are different that 'normal' people. Oh, how wrong I was. They're the same, just really scared of social interactions. Ugh, I feel like I should just go die in a hole, because nobody wants to know the real me.

I'm afraid to be who I am, to do what I do, because everyone judges me. I will never be confident if it keeps happening.

 

[Anxy]

People say things. These things are not meant to be harmful. I still feel hurt.