anxiety makes me jealous and controlling: is what i ask from him right?

[jellzzz]

i have a very sweet boyfriend, but sometimes there are some little problems in the relationship, mostly because of my anxiety. i can get very jealous and i like to have control of thinks. i am very insecure and i have problems with trusting people. i really HATE this about my self, mostly because it affect my relationship. but sometimes, like now, i just don't know if it is my stupidness again, or that i really have a respectable reason to feel this way.

my boyfriend lives not that close to me so we see each other only in the weekend. for the rest of the week we skype. but when we skype, he does a lot of other thinks on the internet too. this doesn't really bother me, im doing the exact same thing right now, but most of the time i don't. and it makes me really sad when he is just so much into 9gag or facebook or whatever that he just doesn't notice me anymore. its really hard to keep up a conversation when you have anxiety problems, and the person you are speeking to is not paying attention to you. the only ansers i get ar "yeah" "uhu" "i love you too" and akward silences. i just feel unwanted when that happens.
but i don't know if i have the right to feel this. it is probably just another controlling thing i do because of my anxiety and i don't want that. i don't want to hold him so tight that he runs away.

i would love to ask him to just do nothing on the internet when we are skyping, but i don't know if thats normal, and if i irritate him. please don't say he will eventuely leave because of al this controlling "rules" i make because i am insecure; im well aware of that and it makes me scared.

 

[bcsr]

First I'd ask how much time are you spending on Skype? You need to evaluate how much of his time you are asking, and make sure it's reasonable. If you're expecting him to focus 100% on you every day, for hours on end, then your expectations are not reasonable. If, on the other hand, you are communicating via Skype for half an hour daily, or something similar, and he can't focus on the conversation, then you'd have a legitimate complaint.

I'm glad you recognize that controlling behavior and jealously are extremely unhealthy in a relationship.

 

[jellzzz]

Well, were skyping for an hour and a half most of the time, so that is quite long. Sometimes even longer. Maybe I could ask him if we can just talk without any distractions for the first half hour or so, and that he can get back to the internet after that? My major problem is that I find it really hard to start and keep up conversations, and maybe it doesn't matter that he can't focus if we have a good start. Also, half an hour good conversation is better than two hours of nothing.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

It's just my opinion but.... 1h30, every f****** day?! Seems wayyy too much to me. 1h30 is the time I have left after work and dinner to do what I want or whatever else I need to do. If I had to use that precious time to say I love you's on skype, I would be long gone.

 

[jellzzz]

I suppose everyone sees relationships different, I don't think its to long, he doesn't think its to long and we actually have interesting conversations, we know each other for over a year and like spending time with each other. We don't see each other in real life so we find an alternative. We just have a strong bond so please don't make me scared for no reason. The skyping itself is not the problem. And if it would be,we would talke about it.

 

[bcsr]

That seems to contradict what you said earlier. If you were both enjoying all this time on Skype and having interesting conversations, you wouldn't have started this thread.

Two things:
First, people need alone time. How much time does he have for himself in a day? How much time do you have for yourself?

Second, if you are on Skype for hours every day, and have been doing this for over a year, you're going to run out of things to talk about. It's going to become boring and mundane.

My advice... cut back on the Skype. I'm sure that sounds like a hard thing to do, but it's necessary. Spending too much time together can ruin a relationship just as easily as too little time. Some times you need the opportunity to miss your significant other.

 

[Odo]

It's nice to feel connected to someone you care about, but it sounds like he has grown comfortable and sometimes if you're too settled into a routine then you start taking it for granted and don't feel like you need to put any effort into it anymore.

I don't know if laying off the Skype is necessarily the answer, but you need to figure out a way to make things interesting/less routine between you.

 

[Vampayah88]

Other couples see eachother every day ,spending hours together in real life. I don't see what the big deal is talking on skype for an hour and a half. Just try not to do it every single day. Take a break, wait for him to ask u about it to come back on skype.

 

[Xervello]

If you have any questions, just ask him about it. Or if something is on your mind, tell him about it. If his answers don't satisfy you, press him further about it.

 

[jellzzz]

I also think it is not to much, because we both like it and we don't see or speek with each other for the rest of the day.
And most of the time we have a lot to talk aboud, that is not the problem. I just find it hard to talk to someone who is busy doing other things. I am also using the internet while skyping, but I stop when he starts talking or it is silent for a long time. It also makes me feel really insecure and unwanted when i say something that is really important to me and I get almost zero answer. I don't say he should change anything, I would just like to talk about it for a bit to let each other know how we feel about it.

The only problem is, I can't do that. expressing my feelings has always been hard for me; I just don't know how to do it.

Does anyone know how to have a good, open and clear conversation about stuff like this?

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I understand. I hate when my bf is on his phone too much and told him to please not too. At first I didn't say anything but then i was like how else would he know not to? jealousy isn't caused by just social anxiety though... well i don't think. Its usually because youre not doing what you want to do. I'm sure you're boyfriend is awesome but don't forget you are too

 

[alxbkr]

talk to him about it