An otherwise "perfect" life.

[peacegrrl]

I'm wondering if anyone feels that before (or perhaps now that) you recognised you had SA/other anxiety disorder, or any problems linked to it such as depression, your life was generally... perfect?

As in you always had a home to go to; a complete and supportive family; a good network of friends; never lost a loved one; never been bullied; never had a problem with drugs or alcohol; no serious health ailments; financially well-off - ie. nothing really worth complaining about?

That has pretty much been my life. And I understand that what's "perfect" on the surface can be flawed underneath, but part of the guilt I had coming forward about SA in high school is that my problems sounded like nothing compared to what others around me had to endure.

I know it sounds stupid. But looking at others in HS who dealt with broken homes, eating disorders, failing grades, ostracism, the bullcrap that is peer pressure, or were constantly being flogged for good marks among other things and still had the resolve to complete their final exams, made me think I should just suck it up because my own worries are so trivial.
Even reading about certain experiences people on this forum have suffered almost makes me ashamed of trying to relate to them.

Just wondering...

 

[Silvox Black]

Never. My life circumstances brought about my pain in the first place. As the belief is held, one must suffer in order to earn any sort of greatness or understanding, I simply never had a name for my pain until recently.

 

[Interzone]

No, your not the only one. I feel almost exactly the same as you do. Like I don't have a right to complain because my SA is just a minor problem compared to what other people have apparently gone through. It makes me feel like crap but I do not know how to respond to it.

I don't feel like I can complain and when I do, I feel guilty and worse for those that have been through worse. Just know you are not alone in the way you feel. I just graduated to highschool and now I'm college, now as an adult, being exposed to the "real world" I feel like I should just fade into oblivion since my problems are worthless and only deal with myself whereas others have bigger problems. I don't know if that made any sense.

 

[limetree]

I personally don't like telling people to "suck it up" or trivialise their problems, no one's life is perfect. Yes we have lucky lives compared to most people, but guilt tripping ourselves into denial is counterproductive imo. People put on this mask, they convince themselves they should be able to deal with everything or else they're a failure... it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. You can't be there for others unless you solve your own problems first. That doesn't mean you should go around complaining to those who've been through worse how shit your life is, but you don't have to blame yourself for feeling down sometimes either.

My parents always tell me to suck it up because I get everything handed to me on a silver platter. Nowadays in career and relationships we get more freedom of choice which induces anxiety and the possibility of regret. My parents had no choice but to work hard according to what was expected to them, so they wouldn't understand the affliction of existential boredom/anxiety either. Times have changed now and just like the last paradigm, it brings with it its own challenges. It's unfair to compare our circumstances as if I should have grown up to embrace the ideology of my parent's generation without questioning how things could be better.

 

[Hellhound]

Lol no... I don't know what "happiness" means. I've felt cheerful sometimes, but not exactly happy.

 

[Interzone]

I personally don't like telling people to "suck it up" or trivialise their problems, no one's life is perfect. Yes we have lucky lives compared to most people, but guilt tripping ourselves into denial is counterproductive imo. People put on this mask, they convince themselves they should be able to deal with everything or else they're a failure... it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. You can't be there for others unless you solve your own problems first. That doesn't mean you should go around complaining to those who've been through worse how shit your life is, but you don't have to blame yourself for feeling down sometimes either.

My parents always tell me to suck it up because I get everything handed to me on a silver platter. Nowadays in career and relationships we get more freedom of choice which induces anxiety and the possibility of regret. My parents had no choice but to work hard according to what was expected to them, so they wouldn't understand the affliction of existential boredom/anxiety either. Times have changed now and just like the last paradigm, it brings with it its own challenges. It's unfair to compare our circumstances as if I should have grown up to embrace the ideology of my parent's generation without questioning how things could be better.

I can haz ur writing skillz? ::

 

[limetree]

ofc you can haz it, even if u dontz im sure u hav ozza skillz i blatantly laq~ i f41l 2 articul8 miself pr0perli while sp34king tho u no u no~

 

[lunarla]

My life has always been far from perfect, I was basically born into it that way. But I still definitely feel that my problems are far less than other people's and sometimes I feel guilty about this and think that I really don't have much to complain about.

But then you must realize that the ability to cope with certain issues is a big factor. Despite not having as serious of problems, if you are ilequipt with coping skills, what is just mild can seem very serious.

 

[peacegrrl]

By the way I hope no-one took it that I was boasting about having a good life, because that wasn't my intention.

I personally don't like telling people to "suck it up" or trivialise their problems, no one's life is perfect. Yes we have lucky lives compared to most people, but guilt tripping ourselves into denial is counterproductive imo. People put on this mask, they convince themselves they should be able to deal with everything or else they're a failure... it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. You can't be there for others unless you solve your own problems first. That doesn't mean you should go around complaining to those who've been through worse how shit your life is, but you don't have to blame yourself for feeling down sometimes either.

My parents always tell me to suck it up because I get everything handed to me on a silver platter. Nowadays in career and relationships we get more freedom of choice which induces anxiety and the possibility of regret. My parents had no choice but to work hard according to what was expected to them, so they wouldn't understand the affliction of existential boredom/anxiety either. Times have changed now and just like the last paradigm, it brings with it its own challenges. It's unfair to compare our circumstances as if I should have grown up to embrace the ideology of my parent's generation without questioning how things could be better.

I'm similar in that my parents or others did most of the work for me. Because of this, though, I feel like I don't (or shouldn't) have the right to put other things second to my anxiety issues. Seems like I've always been selfish. Like I've always put everything and everyone second to myself, and now like a spoilt brat I'm b****ing that I need more space and more time to myself. Perhaps even to undo some of their hard work, which didn't help in the end despite their best efforts and good intentions.

I can't shake the guilt. People have made tremendous sacrifices for me to live well and I don't want them to feel that it has gone to waste, nor do I want to let it go to waste. ::

 

[Phil_i]

As in you always had a home to go to; a complete and supportive family; a good network of friends; never lost a loved one; never been bullied; never had a problem with drugs or alcohol; no serious health ailments; financially well-off - ie. nothing really worth complaining about

Yeah, i feel the same. Maybe we have no real problems so feel we must create a psychological one out of guilt. =)

 

[Lonelykitsune]

Yep,my life is fine outside of SA,good family,no money worries,no-one bullys me,one good friend,ok at school,get lots of holidays,have most things i want,no life threatening diseases or injuries(yet),no drink or drug problem.i did lose my grandad this year though,the closest family member i lost.

But other than that life is fine,its just my SA scrwing it up.Now im guilty for wasting everyones time and money when i know ill nver achieve anything,even though im sure i have potential.My mum and dad organise stuff for me,dso all the social stuff,basicly just do everything and im just going to wreck it all.

so yeah,i definetly see where your coming from.

 

[chained]

hell yeah!!!! but everything is nothing with the SA...

 

[limetree]

I'm similar in that my parents or others did most of the work for me. Because of this, though, I feel like I don't (or shouldn't) have the right to put other things second to my anxiety issues. Seems like I've always been selfish. Like I've always put everything and everyone second to myself, and now like a spoilt brat I'm b****ing that I need more space and more time to myself. Perhaps even to undo some of their hard work, which didn't help in the end despite their best efforts and good intentions.

I can't shake the guilt. People have made tremendous sacrifices for me to live well and I don't want them to feel that it has gone to waste, nor do I want to let it go to waste. ::

I feel the same way but when it led me to question whether I really had social anxiety or not, then I knew I was letting the guilt cripple me. The guilt wasn't helping me become more selfless, it just enabled me to make more excuses for myself "I'm a horrible person, I am incapable of change." Forgiving yourself is about acknowledging your potential to break the cycle of selfishness.
It's not our fault that other people have shit lives, you could take me to a volunteer base and I would be a useless wreck bc of the anxiety. It makes sense to say that if I really wanted to help these people I'd have to put my anxiety issues first. It's only realistic to accept your limitations at this point, everyone's a work in progress, including the morally self-righteous.

My father was always trying to "serve" me and flatter me into showing him more affection or else he'd whine about how hard he works and how much I didn't love/appreciate him. It just felt manipulative for me, as if they want a f-cking medal for not getting an abortion. Now I ask myself sometimes why does love feel like such an obligation? What else do parents expect from helpless children? Of course it's going to be dependency but it comes as a price, and the more they enable that pattern, the harder it is to break out of it.

Someone's circumstances does not always determine how they will or should mentally cope, it's all relative. Sometimes difficulties can act as a buffer against pessimism because they have no choice but to remain resilient. Some people who are homeless or bullied to a greater extent are grateful that it made them a stronger, more self-sufficient person. While that would be a challenge for me, that person might overreact "ungratefully" in situations we don't tend to take for granted. Someone with histrionic personality disorder could be suffering just as much as they're probably exaggerating their problems for attention etc.

I think parents usually have a selfish motive for having kids in the first place hence the martyr complex; the need to feel needed and competent, to have someone owe them care in old age, to project their own agenda of how a successful child should be raised onto an ultimately autonomous individual. I don't think anyone but ourselves has the right to say or control the course of whether or not our lives have gone to waste.

Sorry for wall of text :/