An encounter in class

[wise_wind]

Hi guys,

Recently I faced a sad situation.

I attended a once-a-week class which conducts pair discussion in my school. So, I paired with a student A for the discussion. We talked normally during the discussion. 3 weeks later, we had a test. I went to the test late and happened to sit beside A (as there was an empty seat beside him).

After the test, we were waiting for the teacher to dismiss us from the classroom. He did not talk to me. So, I took the initiative to talk to him. I asked him how was the paper smiling. He said it was okay BUT he walked away from his seat immediately after that. He didn't bother to say goodbye to me. I mean, we are not total strangers, we have discussed with each other for 2 classes.

I felt very sad because he never bothered to ask me in return. He didn't want to talk to me. My social anxiety rose at that point. To tell you the truth, I always had difficulty making friends. I don't have any friends at all.

And from the way he reacted, I felt like a loser. It made me feel like I'm a person who can't make friends and that people dislike me. In the class, everyone were discussing with each other happily about their answers but I was sitting like a fool with noone to talk to.

Situations like this make me feel like I'm fated to suffer. I mean I'm taking steps to be more sociable. But it seems impossible to have friends.

Do you feel like I'm not meant to be able to make friends?

 

[Lonelyviolinist]

Hey, cheer up. Maybe he was just tired after the test and he will talk to you like normal the next time you meet him. I am sure you can make friends as you are taking initiative. I don't have many friends but I do have some really close ones.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

When I read things like this I always wonder if maybe you just encountered someone else who is socially anxious, because I actually behave like that sometimes. It's not because I don't want to be seen talking to the person. It's either because I'm intimidated, or I'm too anxious to carry on with the conversation, or I have to leave but I'm not sure what is the procedure to exit the situation, etc.

Purposely ignoring people with whom I talked once or twice before is something I do very frequently because I don't know if I'm supposed to say hi or what.

There is also the possibility that he didn't want to talk to you, in which case you have nothing to be blamed for since you're the one who tried to act like a proper human being. It's humiliating but I think you should take this event and throw it overboard to avoid having it in the way next time you have the opportunity to communicate with someone. I know it's difficult, I have trouble with this myself, but it's something worth working on. I think when we have too much memories of this kind stuck in our throat, then when we finally encounter a new opportunity of friendship, we address the situation backwards.

 

[State_Of_Trance]

I'd like to second Pacific_Loner's thoughts. As a super-quiet-type, I've definitely handled some situations like Student A. Right afterwards I always feel like a moron and I talk with my brothers about it or some such. Just now I can recall saying "Fine" when asked how my weekend was. I knew that the girl who asked was trying to be friendly, but blarg, I'm me so I didn't engage her.

Don't get me wrong, that kind of thing still makes you hurt. I'm not saying, "Get over it, it's not even a real problem." Rather, I'm saying, "That's unfortunate, but I don't think you're fated to suffer or anything."

 

[DanielLewis]

I suspect your way of thinking makes situations like these worse for you. You said you felt like a loser afterwards who can't make friends. Those are negative thoughts that bring you down. They bring your mood down and foster even more negative thoughts and reinforce negative beliefs about yourself. Happiness must come from within yourself. If your happiness is dependent upon the approval of another person, then you'll find it hard to be truly happy. That also puts you in a vulnerable position because, as soon as you're rejected, you take it personally and internalize negative thoughts of what you think they may think of you. Don't try to mind-read. Disregard what other people think about you. If you want to make friends more easily, you must become happy with everything as it is now. I know, it's hard when you hate the way your life is going, but it's essential because people want to be around happy people. People want to be around those who have that careless attitude. Why? Because it's non-needy for one. It shows you could care less if they accept you or want to be friends with you. It shows that you'll be happy anyways.

You said your social anxiety rose after this. It just tells me that you should change your way of thinking. I know. I've done the same thing and realize this way of thinking just doesn't work. I know this from struggling for 5 years to make friends. I realize that if I don't change my thinking and find a way to be happy now, and not care what people think of me, then I will continue to struggle. It's damn hard. For me, it's harder when I want, but can't think of things to say to people; when someone says something to me and I don't come up with much of a response. At that point, my anxiety rises. I have started to get angry with myself and start thinking 'what's wrong with me?' Ultimately though, being angry or sad doesn't EVER help you to socialize. It's almost always better to be in a good mood so find a way to do that. Find a way to be completely unaffected about what others think. Don't even think about what others think of you. Become unstoppable.

 

[Zooman]

If it makes you feel any better I always ruin relationships with people that are friendly to me.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Maybe student A has SA and thinks you're socially confident?

 

[wise_wind]

Thanks for your replies guys.

I would like to mention that after walking from the seat, he joined another group of students and start chatting with them. I doubt that he is socially anxious from this.

 

[Megaten]

Some people are just inconsiderate it seems. I've had this happen to me a few times in classes.

 

[Xervello]

Hi guys,

Recently I faced a sad situation.

I attended a once-a-week class which conducts pair discussion in my school. So, I paired with a student A for the discussion. We talked normally during the discussion. 3 weeks later, we had a test. I went to the test late and happened to sit beside A (as there was an empty seat beside him).

After the test, we were waiting for the teacher to dismiss us from the classroom. He did not talk to me. So, I took the initiative to talk to him. I asked him how was the paper smiling. He said it was okay BUT he walked away from his seat immediately after that. He didn't bother to say goodbye to me. I mean, we are not total strangers, we have discussed with each other for 2 classes.

I felt very sad because he never bothered to ask me in return. He didn't want to talk to me. My social anxiety rose at that point. To tell you the truth, I always had difficulty making friends. I don't have any friends at all.

And from the way he reacted, I felt like a loser. It made me feel like I'm a person who can't make friends and that people dislike me. In the class, everyone were discussing with each other happily about their answers but I was sitting like a fool with noone to talk to.

Situations like this make me feel like I'm fated to suffer. I mean I'm taking steps to be more sociable. But it seems impossible to have friends.

Do you feel like I'm not meant to be able to make friends?

I think you're one among millions of people. For one reason or another some people are socially "marked" and others are not. The ones who are "marked" can appear different because of superficial appearance, behavior or something unconscious that "normal" people subconsciously pick up on. Which isn't to say that "marked" and "normal" people can't interact, but it may take a bit of courage to do so. As much as a lot of people claim they wish to be unique, everyone desperately tries so hard to fit in. And it's easier to fit in if people from their own group aren't seen mingling with another group. Kudos for speaking up and trying. That took guts. But I'd be willing to bet that sometime in your life there's been someone who noticed you and wanted to talk to you but were too timid or unsure of themself to try.

There's nothing at all wrong with being "marked". It just means life is that much more interesting than "normals" by the very nature of all the challenges/points of view that come with that burden. And it also means that it's more difficult to navigate, understand and endure. I'm sure if anyone were to take the time to get to know you, they'd be pleasantly surprised and the better for it. It's just gonna take some time, some persistence, some courage and the right circumstances. But when it happens and you find good people, they usually stick around for a long, long time. Hopefully it doesn't take too long for you. Best of luck!