An answer from the so-called 'good looking'

[bleach]

other peoples faces have some significance. not mine. i cannot even decide whether it is handsome or ugly. i think it is ugly, because i have been told so. but that dosent strike me. at heart, i am indeed shocked that qualities of this sort can be applied to it, as if you called a piece of earth or lump of rock beautiful or ugly.

Hah, I like that. Feel the same way.

 

[Deane]

Absolutely not. SA is not all about what other people think or do or say. Its all about how we think, how we see the world. We see (more like feel, but whatever) everything through dirty glasses. So knowing you are beautiful won't magically help the anxiety...any more than finding out that the reason you are a freak acutally has a label (SA) will 'snap you out of it'...

Also well said. So now that we've all (mostly) agreed that SA is truly within, regardless of what situation we find ourselves in, regardless of our looks, our station in life, or our circumstances, what do we do?
It has much control over us regardless of our rational thoughts fighting it.

I am just recently figuring out, or facing you might say, what I have although it's sort of jumbled up with other conditions and hard to separate. For me, there is a shame involved.
I'd rather have a clear cut medical condition that I and others understand than one that makes you not want to go out and have fun which seems 'weird' even to those who care about you.
I'm realizing though, that if this condition were better, then most others that I have would be.

I hear people say "I think I'll stay home, I'm feeling anti-social tonight" meaning they'll relax at home. Or if someone shows anger or changes their mind, then they're bipolar. These conditions are not taken seriously and labels are tossed around like jokes today.
What do you guys think, is it good that the terms are at least becoming known even if they're joked about?

There's still so far to go with mental illness not carrying shame. How ironic that our most important organ gets no respect.



-- So I'm feeling like Chatty Cathy today folks, sorry, I need to vent and it has helped me already reading some of your posts. If you don't feel like reading it all, feel free to move on. --




So what to do? I'm open for suggestions, positive ones that is

I get so very anxious before my visit to my psychiatrist. I've even canceled at the last minute before, knowing I'll be charged the $80.
Each visit, which only last about 10-15 mins., she gives me a different phone number of someone, or a group, that she thinks can help and scolds me for not calling the next time I see her.
"You need to call. You need to go to this. You need to pick up the phone." Wow, I never thought of that! Is that what I'm supposed to do?? Rationally, I KNOW that. Tell me how to get to that point!!
Thanks, but I beat myself up enough every day with the same thought.



I'm not working now because of physical issues, and also I am terrified of people and the world. I'm living off of savings but worry about my future. I was a professional and very good at my job, but my body and mind paid the price of my struggle to be a very good actress, or so I thought, hiding my true feelings. The conflict inside me was tremendous.

My anxiety spiraled out of control due to a number of stressful things. I had sort of a nervous breakdown. I've been a a single parent since my son was one, and barely held it together (always trying to seem as normal as possible for my son) until he grew up and left home. I didn't think he knew I had such issues, but he did.
He saw my life shut down, no dating, no friends, nothing except come and go to work until that became too much.
Were it not for my responsibility for him I would have caved in and given up a long time ago.



It seems to me, and he thinks, that he has the same condition. He is more self-aware than I was at his age (20).
In a way that's sad, because he doesn't have the neive hope that I had.

He thinks he's doomed, and in a way, maybe is. I'd never tell him that. I've encouraged counseling when he's brought up his feelings, though I feared him thinking something's 'wrong' with him.
Any parents out there?
The last few years when he's expressed his feelings that something is 'wrong with him', it was hard to tell if it was normal 'growing pains', low self-esteem, depression or actual SAD. Suggestions? Any info on great meds if it comes to that, that are safe for that age?
I've seen some meds make people worse, so I'm cautious.

He took Tofranil for bed-wetting when he was 9 that caused major depression and suicidal ideas/actions. I had a bed-wetting problem that he inherited (physical problem) and my mother never took me to the Dr, so I thought I was doing the right thing. What guilt I feel.
He had to go through immediate in-patient care for the suicide attempts.
I can barely live with the memory of the trauma (we both felt) having him sobbing and ripped from my arms when I had to leave him there.
He was incorrectly put on several anti-depressants concurrently during this, and right after. It was horrible. He won't even discuss it to this day. So it's complicated.

He's like me in that he smiles when appropriate, seems ok to others but is suffering, and he's isolating more and more.
I would do anything to get him help now rather than 25 years from now.


It's a gorgeous day out, and there are lots of things to do with others, or even alone, but I will probably view it all from here in my room. The TV, the computer and my thoughts.
Thanks if you read, and if you have any thoughts I appreciate it.
Promise I'll read your vent session too.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

I get so very anxious before my visit to my psychiatrist. I've even canceled at the last minute before, knowing I'll be charged the $80.
Each visit, which only last about 10-15 mins., she gives me a different phone number of someone, or a group, that she thinks can help and scolds me for not calling the next time I see her.
"You need to call. You need to go to this. You need to pick up the phone." Wow, I never thought of that! Is that what I'm supposed to do??Rationally, I KNOW that. Tell me how to get to that point!!
Thanks, but I beat myself up enough every day with the same thought.

Your therapist is charging you $80 for 15 minutes of giving you phone numbers?? Is she a "broker" for other forms of therapy? It sounds like she's ripping you off, or at the very least is extremely unhelpful. Certainly not worth what you're paying. IMO, you should find another therapist.

Sorry if this post doesn't have a whole lot to do with the thread, but it sounds like the people who are supposed to be helping you, are not.

 

[Halleluja]

Sorry for the kick, but I really need to get something off my chest.

I actually feel stupid just for saying this, but I'm considered a really attractive young man. About a year ago a woman I've never met before asked me if I wanted to be a model. Half in shock, I declined.

You see, I grew up as a pretty happy young boy. I was about 9 years old when the doctor said I needed a pair of glasses. No biggie. At the age of 11 I needed braces. Again, no big deal I thought. However, things changed. Random kids at my school started calling me names. I remember myself going to the groceries store and some girl shouted: ' Hey you!! You're f**king ugly!!'

My parents told me I wasn't ugly, but at some point I started to believe everything the bullies were telling me. Eventually, I didn't need the braces any more and I decided to use contact lenses as well.

I started to notice that everything was changing again. At 17 years of age, girls started checking me out. The popular guys even asked me if I wanted to go to some party with them to check out the ' hot chicks'. Unfortunately, the way I perceived myself didn't change and I've been struggling with my self-image for 10 years now.

When I was still a high school student I was standing in the hallway one day. Then, this group of girls walked towards me and I heard one girl shouting: ' Hellooo!!! You're hot!!!' Maybe some other guy would feel happy about this, but I freaked out and pretty much ran away.

I decided to get professional help, because the social anxiety was getting worse and worse. I went to see this prof guy who was supposed to help me. After telling my personal story ( it took a lot effort) , he looked at me with a smirk on his face and asked: ' Are you serious?' That was the last time I saw him.

It pisses me off when people tell me I shouldn't worry. It pisses me off when people tell me I shouldn't have any problem getting dates. These people don't know the truth. The truth is that I suffer from social anxiety disorder and that I'm probably just as desperate as some of you guys/girls. I'm 21 years old now and I've never been on a date. The worse part is that I had tons of opportunities to get one. If my problem isn't the way I look, then it has to be my personality right? So I ask myself constantly: ' Why do people think I'm a douchebag?'

 

[TheLoneWolf]

people say im good looking but evey time i see pics of myself i look horrible.whe i see myself in the mirror tho i look good. wtf

 

[Deane]

I get so very anxious before my visit to my psychiatrist. I've even canceled at the last minute before, knowing I'll be charged the $80.
Each visit, which only last about 10-15 mins., she gives me a different phone number of someone, or a group, that she thinks can help and scolds me for not calling the next time I see her.
"You need to call. You need to go to this. You need to pick up the phone." Wow, I never thought of that! Is that what I'm supposed to do??Rationally, I KNOW that. Tell me how to get to that point!!
Thanks, but I beat myself up enough every day with the same thought.

Your therapist is charging you $80 for 15 minutes of giving you phone numbers?? Is she a "broker" for other forms of therapy? It sounds like she's ripping you off, or at the very least is extremely unhelpful. Certainly not worth what you're paying. IMO, you should find another therapist.

Sorry if this post doesn't have a whole lot to do with the thread, but it sounds like the people who are supposed to be helping you, are not.

My psychiatrist, who really just gives prescriptions and follows my meds, little else, charges now $90 a visit. Do other psychs do more than this, anyone?
I had a therapist to talk to for a few years, and though nice, she really didn't help too much. I tried a few others who were terrible. I hope to get up the courage to start again, and go see a new one.
It's hard to start over, telling all about yourself, etc. But, it's vital to get 'the right fit' I think.

PS I found out the hard way, and thru research, that you really need a psychhiatrist to manage any mental health meds.
If you are getting meds from a family Dr or such, that can be risky-counterproductive or harmful.
They don't know the latest in mental health drugs, they don't follow closely the side effects or know which ones work, or work together. They can't be expected to, it's not their field.
It is good though to have your family Dr work with your psychiatrist.

 

[Deane]

Sorry for the kick, but I really need to get something off my chest.

I actually feel stupid just for saying this, but I'm considered a really attractive young man. About a year ago a woman I've never met before asked me if I wanted to be a model. Half in shock, I declined.

You see, I grew up as a pretty happy young boy. I was about 9 years old when the doctor said I needed a pair of glasses. No biggie. At the age of 11 I needed braces. Again, no big deal I thought. However, things changed. Random kids at my school started calling me names. I remember myself going to the groceries store and some girl shouted: ' Hey you!! You're f**king ugly!!'

My parents told me I wasn't ugly, but at some point I started to believe everything the bullies were telling me. Eventually, I didn't need the braces any more and I decided to use contact lenses as well.

I started to notice that everything was changing again. At 17 years of age, girls started checking me out. The popular guys even asked me if I wanted to go to some party with them to check out the ' hot chicks'. Unfortunately, the way I perceived myself didn't change and I've been struggling with my self-image for 10 years now.

When I was still a high school student I was standing in the hallway one day. Then, this group of girls walked towards me and I heard one girl shouting: ' Hellooo!!! You're hot!!!' Maybe some other guy would feel happy about this, but I freaked out and pretty much ran away.

I decided to get professional help, because the social anxiety was getting worse and worse. I went to see this prof guy who was supposed to help me. After telling my personal story ( it took a lot effort) , he looked at me with a smirk on his face and asked: ' Are you serious?' That was the last time I saw him.

It pisses me off when people tell me I shouldn't worry. It pisses me off when people tell me I shouldn't have any problem getting dates. These people don't know the truth. The truth is that I suffer from social anxiety disorder and that I'm probably just as desperate as some of you guys/girls. I'm 21 years old now and I've never been on a date. The worse part is that I had tons of opportunities to get one. If my problem isn't the way I look, then it has to be my personality right? So I ask myself constantly: ' Why do people think I'm a douchebag?'

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can relate. You brought up a really good point. If others do see someone as attractive, they assume they've always been that way and experienced whatever 'perks' come with that.
That's not the case in so many people!

AND, don't assume they see themselves that way.
I wouldn't have wanted to always have been attractive, because I don't think I would have as much empathy for others, or be humble. On the other hand, I wouldn't have the scars from feeling ugly.


The person you are inside is more consistent than your looks which can change from bad, to good, to bad again in your lifetime. You don't miraculously see yourself as thin if you lose weight, or as beautiful if you improve your looks, yet people think it's old hat for you, or resent you.

That doesn't mean everyone reacts to this the same way inside. Some people adapt to change quicker than others. I have a sister who had weight loss surgery after being really heavy for years. Now all of a sudden she's a tiny petite thing, and didn't miss a beat! I cannot relate to such a huge life change, and just going right along with no looking back.

In a way, with all due respect, I think 'deeper' people would have to readjust to their new self, and to a new way of life. Some people are a bit superficial and their 'inside' is not their main focus, so they can adapt quickly. (I did say SOME)

Good luck to you and thanks for posting.

 

[quietlyobserving]

i havnt even bothered to read all the posts, but wether or not you think your goodlooking/ugly SA can still affect you just as much as the next person. Some might feel that their goodlooks are drawing too much attention, and others might feel that their bad looks are drawing too much attention. same difference either way.

as for myself, i am someone who struggles to be happy with my appearance, and for me its definatley easier to go out in public when i feel like i dont look completely hideous, i like to look average enough to blend in without anyone noticing me.
But its true that when you look good, you feel good. At least for me anyway, if i feel like i look acceptable enough then it definately helps with the appearance side of my confidence, and one less thing to worry about.

Im not really sure how i appear to everyone else, even if im told im not ugly i still feel it. And on many occasions have thought about having cosmetic procedures done to help me look better, even though i might not need stuff done lol

 

[ciel20]

..

 

[nephatitus]

i work with what i am given

i even scare the crap out of people half the time because i blend in so well and manage to pop out of nowhere, i make myself look "ordinary"

i usually dont base my opinion on people on looks since i usually judge base them on their eyes ex:dead, mischievious, angry, courgeous etc,

too bad everyone judges books for their covers

 

[getbornagain]

I am a great looking guy. Looks have nothing to do with my problems. I used to have BDD and believed my body was inadequate. My self-consciousness and shyness around ladies fucks me over daily. I'm pissing away the physical gifts I was given... I'd trade looks for mental prowess any day.

 

[Strong_Silent_One]

For a period early in my life I had gained weight, had braces, and was quite average. I've experienced first hand the difference in the way people are treated when considered attractive or not. I was treated very mean at times, and later, like a queen. That is a sad fact of human life.
I often wonder when a male stranger does something really nice for me how he would've treated me a long time ago.

Right... I wonder... How would it feel to be so attractive and having girls talking to me. I will never know... cause i'm UGLY!

I've NEVER had "female strangers" come to tell me anything unless it was "you don't you talk?", or just to laugh at me cause I've got a "quirky and goofy look".

As I aged I sort of blossomed out of the quirky, goofy look. I am very modest, but sincerely trying to make a point here, so please keep that in perspective?

Good... My congratulations to you.
I didn't ever "blossom out of the quirky, goofy look". What do you suggest to me? (and don't tell me something like "beauty is inside" and nonsense like that... don't lie yourself, "attractivity" is what matters.)

I have had relationships far in the past, and have a grown son.

Once more....seriously: what do you expect us to think about "attractive peole" when most of us NEVER had girlfriend/boyfriend (some even virgin at their 30's)???
....and btw... at least you have your son and had some relationships.
I will pass all my f***g life here in my little appartment with no one to care for me and no one to take care of. So I really wish i was attractive.

 

[madmike]

'I am sorry that your SA is so bad, but I refuse to feel bad for you because you are attractive.'

Attractive maybe as far as looks go, but repulsive in other ways. At least, that's how i feel sometimes. I've had some positive remarks about the way i look, but most relationships i'm able to initiate don't go very far... somehow i just always feel like the outcast of the group, not intelligent enough, not interesting enough, not funny enough...

 

[uncool]

I agree with Op. sometimes it feels like the fact that you look cuter/ more beautiful then avrage attracts more attention. dunno if it's just me ( and OP).

I have been told in the past by several ppl I am kinda good looking... well not like "model" good looking but maybe just above avrage. this doesnt make me happy infact with my condition sometimes I think it's a curse.

now this may sound like I am really stuck up my own ass or smug. but I feel like the best part of me is my appearance. once ppl get to know the real me I kinda ruin everything with my goofiness and social retardation. sometimes I feel like I make a good impression on others because of my looks but once they get to know me it's as if they find out that that is all I am just "looks" because everything else as far as my persoanlity goes kinda sucks.
Immagine walking into a store and you see this awesome 40" plasma /flat screen Tv. you approach to see it closer maybe turn it on to see how the image quality is but..." hey it's just a maquette, it's empty inside" that's how I feel sometimes.

 

[laurence7]

Looks have nothing to do with SA imo.
I used to get bullied, called ugly and made fun of for how I look while at school then as soon as I started college I found that this was not the case at all. I had a lot of girls after me (most of them very hot) and ive been out with some extremely attractive girls, even models but i STILL HAVE SA.
The bullying still affects me now though, when getting close to a girl I feel ugly and the feelings that those comments bought on come rushing to the surface and I get thoughts like "Im nowhere near attractive enough to be with this girl" or I just feel ugly or like im not good enough for her, or i worry that something will make me look ugly like a facial expression or even the angle that she's looking at me from. This is why ive never been reaaaaalllly close to someone if u know what I mean

 

[AdamWest]

I completely disagree with this...

"Maybe you should feel MORE sympathy for those considered attractive who have social anxiety. What a cruel ironic hand fate has dealt them."

I'm with the people who say it's worse being unattractive, I'm average looking now, in high school not at all.

Even now it's so demoralizing to have the girl always go for the attractive friend, ok, maybe it means she's shallow, and what should I care about someone's opinion, but it's still a terrible feeling.

We're all in the same boat so to speak, and I'm sure we could all say "it's worse being" heck I could say it's worse being a guy with SA, the guy is expected to be confident and approach the girl, even online dating sites lead nowhere for me, being average looking and never approached by girls does not help at all.

I know how terrible SA is so I feel your pain there, but to expect more sympathy, not so much.

 

[laurence7]

I dont think that attractive people with SA deserve more sympathy either because being attractive is obviously a positive asset. Its one less thing for attractive SA sufferers to worry about and one more thing for unattractive SA sufferers to worry about. Even if being attractive does attract unwanted attention at least its positive attention.

However i think that attractive people with SA are more likely to be seen as "stuck up" rather than shy because others see no reason for them to be shy.

And once I had a girl cheat on me and then say "Oh but your really attractive I thought u wouldnt have a problem with it coz u can find someone else" or words to that effect.
That hurt.....

 

[RedRibbons]

Ugh. I understand what you're saying... It's stressful to be "pretty" and have anxiety.. It makes me worry so often what the motives of people are, and what they are thinking.

I'm so nervous that people are trying to hit on me.. People that I don't want hitting on me.. It makes me shrink into a little hole and react poorly. Relationships with people suffer cause of it.

It sounds narcissistic probably, but it's more like.. I know what I look like (and I don't think I'm this beautiful thing all the time, I have days/moments where I feel pretty ugly).. and I know how I've been treated in the past/present.. And because of that, even if the person doesn't have a tinge of likeness toward me in a sexual way, I worry it's what they are thinking. It makes me feel uncomfortable and depressed.

 

[gsmax5]

Well said. Good looking people like me can have social phobia too. ::

 

[bleach]

Yes, fine, anyone can have social phobia no matter how they look. But I am going to vomit if I hear one more 'woe is me for being so pretty' story.