Acting "funny" with relatives...

[theslowesthand]

Anyone have this one?
What it, is, that whenever parents got visitors who were relatives, quite often i practically "hid-under-the-bed" (too scared to go out from room to even "say hello"). Nowadays, years later, not living at home, but whenever visiting them & either a realtive is due to arrive, or turns up, i STILL go all "funny" concerning them.

I think stuff like 'they don't want to see me, why would they, i have nothing to offer & am absolute c*rap with people'

Just today i visited them, and they had a visitor, a relative, my uncle from overseas who i have not seen for ~20 years. I new he was in the country, and had had opprotunity to see him a week ago, but declined that. Now had other opp, but quickly left as soon as arrived, before he spotted me.

Its probably just low-self-esteem. I just don't think even my relations "like" me. And i'm terrified of tainting our "relationship" (past) with the me of present day (but would have thought back then also!). Could also be that i am a very moody person (but being alone & busy for most of time i am seldom much aware of this fact), and these moods force me to be like this?. Also could be due to my Aspergers (which prob have)

Other "funny" things i have done with family & relatives
- As a child, was too "shy" to eat at table with family
- Parents & 2 relatives visiting from overseas, went to a huge "water garden", i "disappeared" to wander off on my own after about 15 mins after arriving (more interesting for me; was ~30 yrs!)
- Too scared to go downstairs to where basement had been turned into a 21st party for my brother (even after 2 of his friends had asked me down, twice)
- Parents were out on farm, relatives turned-up, i hid in their bedroom wardrobe, listening to them calling out to see if anybody home, & their children running all throughout the house excitedly looking, & i was "praying" that nobdoy looked in wardrobe (heard somebody check bedroom - nerve-wracking!!)
- ... (never have thought about all these past experiences before, but i realise that i probably have SO SO many similar to the above that it's not funny!!!)

 

[Silvox Black]

Perhaps it is a result of inadequate social skills or trouble interacting with your family that would cause such nervous reactions?

 

[kihira]

Yes, when young I had some good hiding spots. Even now I get antsy when visitors enter the house, I feel like I want to hide behind the curtains. i will still 'disappear' for a while on some social events that go for too long.

 

[fife_girl]

yea
i managed to go to my sisters wedding last year only because i took two of her valium (she had them for flying bk from oz n had a couple spare) i kinda felt a bit ashamed that i needed them to go but i try not think about it now, at least i went and its over with.

a few weeks ago my dads sister n husband turned up at the door and i could hear them chatting then my dad shouted for me to come down to see them,i was thrown off guard n just replied ''im in my pajamas' (which i was lol) then there was an awkward silence and i was just praying for them to leave. i havent seen them in well over 10 years, but i couldnt face them. what if they asked what i was doing with my life? job? partner? i dnt even know if they know im gay, which would have been a nightmare to tell them, and i probably wouldnt incase they judged me about it!
anyway all this anxiety about the situation made me panic and i ended up in tears, then i started to feel really bad for not even saying hello, they probably thought i was being very ignorant
iv loads of similar storiestoo, wish i never though!

 

[theslowesthand]

Okay, so today i went a bit further (with me/people it usually takes TIME to get past my paranoia/etc).
I got myself into a confident-ish state of mind, got all ready/prepared (hair, clothes, pda (my "crutch" - can escape into it), etc). So i called round to my parents, with the full intention of seeing my uncle. BUT when i got there, i heard uncle/dad talking happily on deck outside, and that was it, my decision was then reversed, and so i returned home. ALMOST, but NOT QUITE (the story-of-my-life with people!)

On the way home, i was thinking about the reasons for this change-of-mind, and those reasons are being solidified by writing this post here (journaling can be quite useful indeed - allows one to simplify & (if lucky) get at the root of a problem, gets stuff off chest (healthy outlet), self-expression, creativity,..)

So my analysis of what happened, is:
It's all about HURDLES. Before leaving, i said was feeling confident. If i don't mind, i will psycho-analyse myself .. i don't .. so i will continue (lol). "Reframing" in terms of hurdles, i had temporary rid all hurdles.
HOW? See below "How to remove hurdles"

And upon arriving, i recall thinking ~'they're relaxing, enjoying each others company, watching the afternoon sun over the hills ... i don't want to ruin their moment'. So that was a NEW hurdle to overcome, which i didn't, and so i left. And possibly a part-hurdle, was fear of dad (he's a domineering type, & regularly hurts my feelings), and also we have not been on speaking terms for about 2 months now. This part-hurdle i had actually "forgotten about" until got there!

-----

In summary...

Types of hurdles: Fears/Anxieties, Worries, (any more?)

How to remove hurdles
a) RESOLVE/RID certain hurdle(s)
b) Remove thoughts/feelings of certain hurdle(s) FROM MIND

-----

Also...

Maybe i am TOO "CONSIDERATE" of others feelings?

 

[kihira]

yea
i managed to go to my sisters wedding last year only because i took two of her valium (she had them for flying bk from oz n had a couple spare) i kinda felt a bit ashamed that i needed them to go but i try not think about it now, at least i went and its over with.

a few weeks ago my dads sister n husband turned up at the door and i could hear them chatting then my dad shouted for me to come down to see them,i was thrown off guard n just replied ''im in my pajamas' (which i was lol) then there was an awkward silence and i was just praying for them to leave. i havent seen them in well over 10 years, but i couldnt face them. what if they asked what i was doing with my life? job? partner? i dnt even know if they know im gay, which would have been a nightmare to tell them, and i probably wouldnt incase they judged me about it!
anyway all this anxiety about the situation made me panic and i ended up in tears, then i started to feel really bad for not even saying hello, they probably thought i was being very ignorant
iv loads of similar storiestoo, wish i never though!

I find that people who ask "what are you up to?" often do so that they can then yabble on about what they are up to - so its fairly safe to have a few half-truthes prepared for these occassions, they dont tend to dig too deep.

That said, unexpected visitors are painful and I've hidden below window level before.

 

[Social_Monstrosity]

I'm the same; I'll hide in my room.

By now, my mom knows that I want NOTHING to do with house guests so she leaves me be.

 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Totally! I never hid but when I had to go visit my relatives I would start doing things like sniffing tons of nail polish and then ignoring everyone to draw. I always assume my relatives can't stand me and it's always worse because they seem to "pretend" to love me and miss me.

 

[vj288]

I act real funny around all my relatives, even my immediate family. I can relate to the "they don't want to see me" feeling. I usually only see most of them a few times a year, at the big events like Christmas and Thanksgiving. So it's big groups of practically strangers whose evening is being ruined by me making everything awkward. It gets worse and worse every time I see them, makes me dread the holidays...

 

[Squishy]

I'm rubbish with my family too. I don't know what to say to them. I just sit there quietly and let my parents talk. I was at a funeral the other day and there were too many people there. I just stood around with my sister, who's shy but doesn't have SA, eating food. She talked to more relatives then me though. And funny thing is my God Father's daughter came up to me and said, "My dads really shy and wants to talk to you but he doesn't know what to say!" So I guess someone else in my family is the same!

 

[Richey]

see now this all depends on what your family is like. with my parents i feel there is a big gap between my generation and theirs, theya re also really old-fashioned and uptight for the most part so i tend to avoid them which is a real shame.

with other family i'm alright around them but i find it easier to sit with the younger crowd of the family, just because they seem less judgemental and more relaxed, jokey.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Don't worry, you're not the only one who has this reaction to visitors. The last time a family member came over, I actually locked myself in the bathroom and pretended to take a shower until I was absolutely sure that they left.

 

[arsenalwa]

Don't worry, you're not the only one who has this reaction to visitors. The last time a family member came over, I actually locked myself in the bathroom and pretended to take a shower until I was absolutely sure that they left.

Whoa. It's interesting how most of us with SA have the same ideas or act similarly in certain situations

 

[theslowesthand]

see now this all depends on what your family is like. with my parents i feel there is a big gap between my generation and theirs, theya re also really old-fashioned and uptight for the most part so i tend to avoid them which is a real shame.

with other family i'm alright around them but i find it easier to sit with the younger crowd of the family, just because they seem less judgemental and more relaxed, jokey.

My parents are THE most serious/old-fashioned/intolerant/uptight "squares" you could ever find. Dad had us children fairly late, so he was in his 40s in my childhood, and mum wasnt far behind. They both very much have that old-fashioned British "stiff upper lip" thing.
I think its a real possibility that i am the way i am with other relatives, due to them. Maybe with relatives i am constantly thinking ~`would the parents approve?', 'do the parents find me interesting?', 'do the parents accept me unconditionally?', etc, etc?? (& the answers to those is how i think all other relatives regard me)