A Social Dilemma...?

[worrywort]

what do you do when you're talking to someone and they say something that you don't approve of? Maybe they tell a racist joke, or reveal a bad attitude or lifestyle that you don't agree with?

do you a] voice your opinion and let the other person know that you think they're wrong?
or b] respectfully hold your tongue and try to find a thread of common ground and then go with that?

cause my dilemma is this - I don't want to hurt people's feelings and I don't want to cause friction in the conversation, and I also don't want to be patronising or come across as though I think I'm "better" than the other person. But I often find myself in situations where I feel the other person is in the wrong, but I just know it'd be difficult to correct them. For example maybe you have a daughter who seems to be heading down, what you would consider, a wrong path, becoming vain or spoilt or bratty etc. Do you talk to that daughter and tell her how you feel? I guess you probably would. But what about if you meet a guy who's grown up on the streets and his moral standards are WAY below yours simply due to his upbringing. So he swears and curses, makes racist jokes, takes drugs, thinks fighting and acting tough is cool, etc. If you pick this guy up on every point that you disapproved of you'd be at each others throats before long. Surely with this guy it'd be better to let a few slip? Wouldn't it be more destructive for this guy if you criticized him all day long?

I guess I'm just not very good at confronting people. Cause even if I can find the courage, there's then the whole question of what if I'm wrong!? I dunno, but I'd love to hear your opinions.

btw, in all these situations, I'd never choose option c] which is to nod along and pretend to agree, even though I don't, just to "fit in". That's one thing I'm good at. I've got the passive part down now. It's the active part I suck at!

 

[mrb]

we all have diffrent opinions , and yes its good to voice your opinion , but sometimes its best to just keep quiet and say nothing ... depends on the conversation , and the person who your having that conversation with ...

 

[very_shy]

I have not been in a case of e.g. gay on drugs, but often someone (A) has criticised other people (B) and their way of doing something.

Most often I try to make the situaton milder, defending the "accused" (B), but in a way I convince person A to not think I am his/her enemy. Let's say B did something wrong, and A is furious, and I say "Oh, in the future it will be better" or also point good things, values, characteristics of person B.

The soup we eat is never so hot like it used to be as soon as it was cooked.

 

[lurknomore]

I think it depends on how close you are to the person... everyone does have different opinions and ideas, and it is their own decision on how to live their life. I wouldn't express an opinion that might offend or put the other person on the defensive unless we had built up some rapport, or even friendship- where the other person would hopefully know that you're trying to be helpful and not just trying to judge the person. Like the case you mentioned with the daughter, there would hopefully be a close relationship (and depending on how old the daughter is, you should have some say and/or influence)... but still in the end, it is up to the individual to decide for themselves and make their own decisions (and mistakes).

I would say find commonalities with the person to connect over, then they might feel comfortable enough to take your concerns/disagreements without feeling like they're being attacked.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I usually just either ignore what they said, & don't address it at all as if it wasn't even said, or on rare cases, I've actually told the person that I don't agree.

 

[recluse]

I keep quiet becasue i am afraid of getting on the wrong side of people. I hate having no backbone!

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I keep quiet becasue i am afraid of getting on the wrong side of people.

That's how I am most of the time. I never know how people will react, so I just don't address what they've said so they don't "yell" at me or something lol. I'm almost 28 & I'm afraid of being yelled at lol.

 

[iamthenra]

I am that way allot too... I mean I won't confront anyone. I always take the "back seat" to anyone... They can insult me to my face and I usually won't say a word. I usually will just turn beat red and just stare at them kind of dumbfoundedly...

The other day I was talking to the owner of this Ziebart rustproofing shop. We were getting along great and speaking for hours. Up until I let it out that I was looking forward to an upcoming duck hunt that an old friend of mine invited me to join him... This guy was totally offended by any hunters and said to me why don't you put a gun in the ducks hands and see how sporting it is if your prey can fire back at you... Of course I just turned beat red and had no idea what to say back... I almost agreed with him because I didn't want to offend him or whatnot... I feel so spineless at times.

 

[Pookah]

Tonight I was obliged to be in the company of my roomate's friend and her boyfriend. The boyfriend was very argumentative about politics and many things he was stubborn that he was right and any dissension on our parts was considered wrong. A few times I could not help but voice my disagreement even though my heart pounded upon forcing out the words.

My beliefs sometimes override my fear. But not all the time.

 

[recluse]

I am that way allot too... I mean I won't confront anyone. I always take the "back seat" to anyone... They can insult me to my face and I usually won't say a word. I usually will just turn beat red and just stare at them kind of dumbfoundedly...

The other day I was talking to the owner of this Ziebart rustproofing shop. We were getting along great and speaking for hours. Up until I let it out that I was looking forward to an upcoming duck hunt that an old friend of mine invited me to join him... This guy was totally offended by any hunters and said to me why don't you put a gun in the ducks hands and see how sporting it is if your prey can fire back at you... Of course I just turned beat red and had no idea what to say back... I almost agreed with him because I didn't want to offend him or whatnot... I feel so spineless at times.

I've never understood anti-hunting people. If it's done in a humane fashion what's the problem? Isn't it more cruel to raise animals in a pen and then slaughter them than killing an animal with one shot which has enjoyed it's life in the open?

How the hell do they think their ancestors lived!

 

[Tiercel]

This guy was totally offended by any hunters and said to me why don't you put a gun in the ducks hands and see how sporting it is if your prey can fire back at you...

"When you show me a duck with fingers, I'll give him a gun," he replied with a smile. If you're feeling extra cheeky you could comment how your Chinese girlfriend's duck recipes just aren't the same with chicken or turkey. Or if he thinks you're crazy anyway, tell him how our excessively large government only inspects less than 1% of the food sold in stores and you don't trust those people with your health. Or maybe you only use a gun when your peregrine falcon is in the shop? I guess I'll stop now.

But I'm just another spineless person, really. Maybe that's why I find anything to do with Nazi Germany so interesting. So many people had so many chances to say or do something, but so few ever did. And when (if?) I get tired of reading about Germany I could always move on to Imperial Japan. Or even the good ol' U.S. of A.

It's interesting how terrible a laid-back personality can really be.

 

[Tiercel]

But what about if you meet a guy who's grown up on the streets and his moral standards are WAY below yours simply due to his upbringing. So he swears and curses, makes racist jokes, takes drugs, thinks fighting and acting tough is cool, etc. If you pick this guy up on every point that you disapproved of you'd be at each others throats before long. Surely with this guy it'd be better to let a few slip? Wouldn't it be more destructive for this guy if you criticized him all day long?

So what exactly is your problem with Americans?

 

[Avarak]

Occasionally I will voice my opinion, but most of the time I don't. It all depends if I find the other person intimedating.