A New Beginning...

[theslowesthand]

I may have now reached a "critical" stage in my life. It feels like i have only two choices left: either a) change fairly drastically, or b) die (literally). Life is once again becoming SO hard, that it's now almost reaching the "unbearable" level. Not quite in depression again, but feel right on the cusp. When you start thinking about the specifics of ending oneself, trust me, it time to start taking some "SERIOUS" action!. And this "serious" action has now been set in motion, simply by making a call to a depression hotline. It inspired some new ideas for me to try, and it got me "pumped up" for a time.

Before the call ended, as i always do, i made a point of ending the call with at least some form of PLAN, that i shall DO. For this call, i have made plans for tonight, tomorrow, and the next day, and for the next week or so. Basic, but essential, first steps towards change, i guess.
Tonight - work on this new "plan of action"; read some book/s on depression/etc
Monday - ring my therapist to resume sessions; see people (parents)
Tuesday - see doctor (has already made appointment); visit bookshop (maybe buy an inspiring book/so on depression/life/etc); do some shopping
Thursday, Friday or next week - resume therapy (have a session)

So i have "hatched a new plan" (the above of which is just the starting point). I cannot at this point say exactly what it will entail, but it will basically involve combining all the "good stuff" in my life that i have available, and getting rid of a fairly hefty chunk of "bad stuff".
As it stands, the bad stuff seems to be overwhelming almost all of the good stuff.

It will probably be a very hard thing to accomplish. The changes will almost certainly upset me, and perhaps even trigger depression. But i have now run out of other options. It's now change or die, basically (that's how it feels right now anyway).

The fact of the matter is, i am LIVING WRONG. And life has been cranking up the suffering in recent weeks, perhaps as a way of "telling" me this, and "motivating" me to change?. Whatever the case, i am now hearing life LOUD & CLEAR.

What i will need to do, is to try and formulate lasting changes in my whole life, radical changes. I will read up on all my saved web pages, links, notes, documents. And i will try to find answers/ways/methods from my therapy sessions. And i will update here regulalry what method i currently am following (successfully or otherwise).

 

[skins]

congrats on making a stand and having a plan of action. This song comes to mind: I Won't Back Down - YouTube

to me, when life get tough i feel like its telling me to give up and dont bother trying anymore. I wish i could see it the other way like you mention.:thumbup:

 

[gazelle]

Good luck on your quest! I can relate very much to you right now. Too much unwanted and unready exposure has brought me to a very "critical" and "unbearable" stage too. Your post has inspired me to stick with the things that I know I should do but am also procrastinating.

So i have "hatched a new plan" (the above of which is just the starting point). I cannot at this point say exactly what it will entail, but it will basically involve combining all the "good stuff" in my life that i have available, and getting rid of a fairly hefty chunk of "bad stuff".
As it stands, the bad stuff seems to be overwhelming almost all of the good stuff.

It will probably be a very hard thing to accomplish. The changes will almost certainly upset me, and perhaps even trigger depression. But i have now run out of other options. It's now change or die, basically (that's how it feels right now anyway).

Yes, a tough fight that has to entail every aspect of your life. From physical to mental. Sleeping early at night, waking up early in the morning, avoiding specific foods, forcing yourself to go outside and get fresh air plus all of the mental aspects and working on negative thinking patterns and all of these having to be done in "combination" in order to be effective... indeed easier said than done.
But not impossible! It can be done!

 

[theslowesthand]

to me, when life get tough i feel like its telling me to give up and dont bother trying anymore. I wish i could see it the other way like you mention

Believe me, many many times i have felt like giving up completely, and this is just another of those times, but maybe a "tad more dire", as i have been thinking half-seriously of ending my life. Thing is, in my view, one can "give up" but how long can that last? One has to eat again, wash again, etc, etc the very next day. Unless you're willing to starve yourself to death, i don't really see how its possible to give up entirely. Maybe one can cease all their dreams, aspirations, lose all hope, and so on .. but what good does that do? i don't think i could remain alive without at least some hope, as the depression would simply "eat me alive"??. Usually for me i feel at least a little better in a day or so .. after which i tend to go back to my "normal" (of constantly trying/striving/achieving/working). Its become a habit. Maybe i just don't know how to give up properly, to let go of my earthly attachments, my goals, projects, & other ego-related stuff.

Survival for me has always been a habitual thing, quite often an infuriatingly complex/frustrating thing, sometimes a almost-suicidal thing. But i have survived everything life has thrown at me to date. So i might as well keep going...

 

[theslowesthand]

Your post has inspired me to stick with the things that I know I should do but am also procrastinating

I think procrastination is closely related to motivation & energy, and those are right at the top in priority i believe, when one wants to make serious changes in their life. BIG changes requires BIG energy.

Yes, a tough fight that has to entail every aspect of your life. From physical to mental. Sleeping early at night, waking up early in the morning, avoiding specific foods, forcing yourself to go outside and get fresh air plus all of the mental aspects and working on negative thinking patterns and all of these having to be done in "combination" in order to be effective... indeed easier said than done

These are the things i believe i may need OUTSIDE HELP with, as my own ways, habits, lifestyle keeps the status quo. And a lot of my "good ideas" are still stuck very much with my ststus quo "system" of living. I think need somebody else to help get me out of this rut. I cannot do it on my own.

 

[theslowesthand]

So, an update on how well i am sticking to my new plan:

I have been working steadily & constantly (most of my waking hours) on reducing my building depression. Today & yesterday were very up-and-down, mood-wise, quite often verging on depression (or "ducking in for a quick peek" at the outskirts of "Hell Central" every so often). So yes, these are very bad days. And sleeping & staying in bed a lot longer than usual, which is symptomatic of depression. But today's been a very productive day, and i've managed to return to "feeling okay" :applause:, and that's the main thing, to FEEL okay in the PRESENT MOMENT .. that's what everything all boils down to in life.

So due to being busy with surviving/handling/minimizing the approaching depression, i haven't managed to read any such books yet (on depression/etc). But i have today read a brilliant interactive article on depression by deepak chopra (https://www.deepakchopra.com/blog/view/5/depression:_shedding_light_on_the_darkness). That's as good as reading some of a book, and perhaps better, as visual/interactive (so i think the knowledge is better able to be assimilated).

Another very good thing i did today was subscribe to the Oprah & Deepak Chopra 21-day meditation challenge. I found it by chance searching google on depression (found above article by deepak chopra, which then linked to the oprah/chopra course). I shall post here how that all goes.

Skipped my doctor's appointment today, as not quite up to it (& was worried that going abroad might trigger the depression). Will go next week instead.

Food/shopping: I probably could improve my eating habits. And that involves buying the right foods. I'll have to try work on that before going to town next week. But sooner the better - there really is no time to lose. So IF i can manage it maybe i'll do so in next few days.

Therapy: Can't do everything at once. But it is fairly urgent. Will arrange that ASAP. Even if i return to "feeling okay" every day, that might only last a few days, and i'll just return to my usual hellish daily existence i've gotten accustomed to in the last few weeks/months. So i should not put this off any longer; i SHOULD have actually gone back to therapy MONTHS ago. I guess i couldn't see the forest for the trees.

 

[gazelle]

These are the things i believe i may need OUTSIDE HELP with, as my own ways, habits, lifestyle keeps the status quo. And a lot of my "good ideas" are still stuck very much with my ststus quo "system" of living. I think need somebody else to help get me out of this rut. I cannot do it on my own.

It might be hard to attack all of your bad habits at the same time, but what you can do is start with one habit at a time.You could start with your sleeping patterns for example and try going to bed earlier 15 minutes every night until you reach the ultimate ideal time, ingrain the correct pattern and then start with something else like your eating habits... one step at a time. I'm working on my sleeping patterns at the moment. I've seen remarkable results from waking up early in the morning when I've slept early the night before.

So, an update on how well i am sticking to my new plan:

I have been working steadily & constantly (most of my waking hours) on reducing my building depression. Today & yesterday were very up-and-down, mood-wise, quite often verging on depression (or "ducking in for a quick peek" at the outskirts of "Hell Central" every so often). So yes, these are very bad days. And sleeping & staying in bed a lot longer than usual, which is symptomatic of depression. But today's been a very productive day, and i've managed to return to "feeling okay" :applause:, and that's the main thing, to FEEL okay in the PRESENT MOMENT .. that's what everything all boils down to in life.


Food/shopping: I probably could improve my eating habits. And that involves buying the right foods. I'll have to try work on that before going to town next week. But sooner the better - there really is no time to lose. So IF i can manage it maybe i'll do so in next few days.

:thumbup:

 

[Kiwong]

Good luck with day one, two, three of the rest of your life.

 

[Shenmue]

*Gets out a Virtual Zippo lighter and sways to the music*

YOU BEGIN AGAIN-- BARRY MANILOW-- ** 1989 ** - YouTube

 

[Nanita]

Your plans sound really good. I try to do the same more less..
I try to break my habbit of sinking into sadness, worries, emptiness.
I want to be more disciplined regarding eating, sleeping, getting out of the house, doing my creative work everyday, etc.
I listen to guided meditations at night before I fall asleep - or other audio files/audio books with healing, chakra clearing or positive affirmations.
I also began experimenting with liquid dreaming; each morning I write down everything I can remember from the dreams I just had, that way I´m able to be more conscious while dreaming.. Which is quite fascinating, and I believe it can be a key to understanding myself more.

 

[theslowesthand]

An update on things...

Since began the "Oprah & Deepak Chopra 21-day meditation challenge" almost near the end of the 21 days, it sort of mucked that idea up. But all that stuff seems a tad "over my head"; and i haven't really got the patience for such stuff right now. So i meticulously went thru all the pages, taking screenshots of each day's lesson, & saving it's MP3 (in a "cunning" way, so don't have to buy them!). That course might not be what i really require right now, but i've saved it all to investigate at a later date.

Will still see doctor next week, go shopping, & maybe see therapist.

This week i have been "slogging on". Haven't still got that "pumped-up" feeling i had when created this thread (to be expected). Every day is a bad day, sometimes very or "hellish". So i'm not fantasizing right now about the "perfect method" for attempting "a new beginning" in one's life. I'm just doing the hard yards, enduring the misery, fighting the hoplessness/depression that being caught in a seemingly endless rut can bring. Feels like life has pushed me into an "advanced class" all of a sudden (& advanced learning means in life terms, more suffering).

One of the things i'm starting to think about doing is regarding my house decor. I think it does "drag me down" quite a lot, in various ways.
I cannot LEAVE the house at present, and i cannot CHANGE (remove) anything in the house (as any change at all in house causes my anxiety/depression level to rise). But i have worked out that there is a 3rd option: i may be able to ADD things into my house. There is still the change, which will "upset" me to a degree (screw-up my well-being, which is ~zero anyway right now). But since i'm not removing anything, there is no sense of sadness/loss about that loss of a "house friend". It's more of (hopefully) adding new friends to the house.
Whatever the case, one thing is for sure: my current house decor/environment/life is simply not working any more. It's no longer keeping me (reasonably) happy. So i MUST CHANGE. The puzzle for the last few years has been WHAT can i change. Now (i think) i have finally found the answer --> ADD stuff.

So the next step, which i've right now created a document for, is to decide on the WHAT & WHERE of things i shall put up (on various walls & spaces & places). And i shall need to try and find some things i have stored away; otherwise i can perhaps buy some new things to put up. The question at this point is WHAT? What colors/shapes? What paintings/pictures? What spirituality/religion stuff? (feng shui, energy items, crystals, ...). I want (& NEED) to go "the whole hog" with all this (or as far as i can possibly go). My life now DEMANDS it. i am thinking about having objects which have "POWER" (to help me defeat my now-constant demons/hell). What type of power i have no idea yet. I guess i'll just have to start experimenting, try different things out, see how they affect my moods & energy, etc.
Also, another thing i'm considering (maybe just for computer desk right now) is to buy one of those "electronic picture frames". I can then program it to display calming/energizing/whatever images all thru the day.

 

[fate12321]

good luck man that electronic picture frame is legit i have one of those its nice to see the pics of my mom and stuff.

 

[theslowesthand]

I hadn't considered having it show pictures of people. I suppose for most people that might be the first thing they think of?. I've just never been a "people person", and i guess that's why i've never had any pictures of people up. I also have never done xmas cards. And i don't stay in touch with people, family or otherwise. It's probably to do with my SA no doubt. For some reason i just "don't like" seeing pictures of familiy or friends. Perhaps it makes me feel stuff (eg vulnerability) that i don't like to feel?. I dunno. Maybe i might throw in the odd photo of familiy members. Whatever helps my mood i am willing to use.

The good news for today, is that i have been tidying my bedroom (mainly). It has been getting way too clutered in there, and i'm "over it". The bed is now 2/3rds cover in stuff, and each side is full of stuff. And i have had to walk very delicately over bed (to foot of, to exit the bed room) & then step in only a small area on floor, etc, etc. It's pure madness!!!. So tonight i have been bagging all the empty biscuit/etc wrappers ("archives" them, as i write dates/location on each bag), then add these to the growing "heap" of archive bags on bedroom floor .. which i have bought bins a few months ago to put these all in. Yes, a very complex situation to get out of (especially if you combine it with hoarding/ocpd issues), all this house-clutter is (but like most of my problems/issues, to my parents it's simple to resolve! :kickingmyself

And doing some de-cluttering wherever i can in house (& out of) will also help with my new decor/objects. As it reduces clutter (which is "mood-draining" & "stressful"), and it creates empty spaces which i can then introduce some new, simple, uplifting, etc objects. I can also just leave it empty, which may be best if it's the floor. I seem to not like empty spaces, but i recognize that the empty space does have its place. It's needed.