A Long Message.

[P+G]

My friend and I have talked everyday since we met online by MSN, messages and text. It's been over two months. We get along well. We met up this week for the first time and it was hell, he said. The start was alright, we were bound to be awkward right? Except it didn't get better for me. I'm not sure what it is but I couldn't or didn't think of anything to say. I thought it'd be so natural, just like writing all those messages. I've talked about my anxiety, selective mutism..I didn't realise it'd got this bad. All this time I thought I'd been getting better. How could I have been? I don't have friends...barely talk to anyone at college. 100% awkward. That meeting confirmed it. I just don't get it. I know I can talk, he does too. I just can't get over something, it's worse because I don't know exactly what it is. Is it really me or anxiety? We would sit or walk in utter silence. Obvious to others that we were a million miles apart as he said. I am frightened that he will stop talking to me. Maybe he thinks I'm a fake? What we have said to each other after that day has been very little. It's obvious that he's still feeling from that day. I want to get past this, go back. I desperately need help. Need to get better. Not just because of this but for my future. The mood groups do not help...Medicine? I don't want to fall for that but I don't see how cognitive behavioural therapy will help me. Will I need a specialist? I can't afford that. I'm a mess. Inside my head. Perhaps I'm just complaining too much. This is the worst it's ever been. I'm afraid I might do something stupid even though I'm completely against it. I just want to runaway. Nothing should be this hard for me or anyone else. Is this it..my life. I'm seriously contemplating about medicine.

I haven't posted a lot on this site but it's the only place I could write. That's all I seem to be good at. I can't speak. I want help. Good realistic advice, not sympathy. I just feel numb. Dead.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Maybe you could try messaging him on the phone. While you're standing there next to him. As a transition like, even though it would probably feel silly.

 

[Remus]

I got a freind with AVP and mutism, when we hung out in the past I did most of the talking but sometimes there were silences but we agreed we were cool with silences so it was not a problem, text each other while sat together sounds goofy but also somewhat cool

 

[Ritta]

I have a suggestion. If you still talk to him on MSN, try combining chatting with voice chat. Also tell him what happened. if he doesn't know already. Explain to him that you need help talking to people and if he could be patient with you.

Here's a simple exercise that you could try. When you both get on MSN, start a call and use voice chat to start the conversation. Very short sentences like:

. Hi
- Hello
. How are you?
- Fine, thank you

After this if you don't feel comfortable, then you can both switch back to text. But I'm sure if you do this daily, little by little you'll be able to say more.

Hope this helps

Ps. If you don't have a mic, I'm sure you can buy a cheap one for just $10.

 

[inspirer]

*deleted message

 

[Ignace]

I have a suggestion. If you still talk to him on MSN, try combining chatting with voice chat. Also tell him what happened. if he doesn't know already. Explain to him that you need help talking to people and if he could be patient with you.

Here's a simple exercise that you could try. When you both get on MSN, start a call and use voice chat to start the conversation. Very short sentences like:

. Hi
- Hello
. How are you?
- Fine, thank you

After this if you don't feel comfortable, then you can both switch back to text. But I'm sure if you do this daily, little by little you'll be able to say more.

Hope this helps

Ps. If you don't have a mic, I'm sure you can buy a cheap one for just $10.

I think this is great advice. It will work ! Just take small steps.

 

[P+G]

He won't agree to meet again soon, actually he messaged saying he doesn't think we'll ever meet again. I don't want this to get me down like it has for him. We get on well. Really well. On that day whilst we were sitting he said we should text each other, I laughed assuming it was a joke. I'm determined to keep this friendship. Even though he's not talking much now..and so it makes me feel like I'm bothering him if I say anything..I'm not going to stop unless he tells me to. That must be what he felt on that day. Like I didn't want to be with him. I don't want him to give up on me because I know I can get better. It just takes time, even if that means months, even a year. So what if I make a fool of myself....I've already done that. He won't see me again soon so I'll write. Keep writing every single day like we have done.

I'm typing what I'm feeling, thinking...going on and on. Depressing to read right if you've gotten this far? Sorry. But it does help a lot. I'm grateful that I seem to have the ability to snap out and be somewhat positive and back to 'normal' again. Whatever that is. Thank you for reading. Still.

 

[Fighter86]

He won't agree to meet again soon, actually he messaged saying he doesn't think we'll ever meet again. I don't want this to get me down like it has for him. We get on well. Really well. On that day whilst we were sitting he said we should text each other, I laughed assuming it was a joke. I'm determined to keep this friendship. Even though he's not talking much now..and so it makes me feel like I'm bothering him if I say anything..I'm not going to stop unless he tells me to. That must be what he felt on that day. Like I didn't want to be with him. I don't want him to give up on me because I know I can get better. It just takes time, even if that means months, even a year. So what if I make a fool of myself....I've already done that. He won't see me again soon so I'll write. Keep writing every single day like we have done.

First things first, does he also have SA and overlapping issues? If he does, I think you stand a higher chance of making him understand what you were facing when you met him. I'm not sure what advice to offer really, because I'm kind of in a similar situation as you. Basically I met this online friend in life, and I think on the second meeting, he said we shouldn't meet anymore, but its under different circumstances as from you why he said we shouldn't meet. In anyway, after much effort, I finally got him to talk to me, and he pulled no punches in criticizing why he wouldn't meet me again that sort of thing, I took all of it in somehow. We do get on really well I think, but I feel I'm more like a booty call kind of thing to him (not in the relationship way but just a word I'm using to describe how I feel he treats me), when he feels like it, he just text message or chat to me online, if the mood doesn't capture him, he basically doesn't give two hoots about me really. He also always backs out of plans we have made last minute claiming he's unwell, I have no idea if he's really unwell or otherwise, in anyway, I just say all's cool in my return messages to him even though I do feel very let down. He also teases me very heavily, which initially I find them in good humor the teasing, but I'm finding it increasing deliberate, but who knows, maybe I'm just sensitive. He also makes comments with regards to my skin, which I actually do find very offensive, and I especially dislike and feel uncomfortable with the opposite sex critiquing my appearance. And really, I have only had women made comments on my lately bad skin, I don't think I've actually had a guy commented it to my face like that, I seriously think they don't even care about my bad skin. We were suppose to meet up today, but he canceled, and said we would do it tomorrow instead, don't think its going to happen. Somehow, I don't think this friendship is going to work out eventually, not because I'm not making the effort, but because he doesn't quite care I guess. So well, basically I can't quite offer you much advise except to say we are in the same boat. I hope things work out between you and your friend though, good luck.

 

[P+G]

My friend suffers from depression and is suicidal. I try to see things from his point of view. From that first meeting I understand that he could have felt dissapointed in that I couldn't open up to him like I have through writing. He has said that he feels like our friendship in confined to texts and MSN and that he is 'eternally alone' which makes me sad. He doubts that we'll meet again because he's lost the will to keep asking questions and being met with little reply. I've said to him that I know I'll get better in terms of talking and being more comfortable around him. I know it's hard for him. I can't ask him to keep trying but perhaps at least be a little more patient. He keeps telling me to meet new people and talk to others because there's better company than him. We're going through an 'awkward patch' I guess which I really want to get over. I want to meet up again. That's the only way it'll get better. It makes me sad that to me, it seems like he doesn't understand. That he doesn't accept me. It surprised me when he said he didn't think we'd ever meet again. How could he give up just like that? I think his depression makes him extremely doubtful. So I guess it's up to me to think positive. I feel low too but I'm stronger I feel.

Fighter, that doesn't sound like much of a friend. I'm in a hurry but I'd like to talk about our similar problem if you'd like. Thank you for reading though.

 

[Remus]

P+G, I wouldn't put your eggs all in one basket, seek other freinds, some may be more tolerant of your issues. This guy seems more self orientated

 

[P+G]

Remus, he said exactly the same thing to me. 'Avoid putting all your eggs in one basket.'. I get on well with him, I care about him a lot and I don't want to give up. I understand that he's dealing with a lot too. I wouldn't want someone to give up on me. He is my only friend but he's not just some person I met online. Of course, it'd be nice to get to know other people too.

 

[P+G]

My friend decided that I should 'Go, forever.' That's how I saw it. He said that things weren't the same and that conversation seemed forced. He won't even explain anything to me but simply said goodbye. Because he suffers from depression and is suicidal I sent him texts and called him. Finally he said to leave him alone. I'm confused whether that's what he really wants or that it's the depression. How can someone just change his mind again so quickly and give up. The last message I sent him said that I'd still be here if he ever changed his mind. I get the feeling that he'll most likely delete my number, email, everything. He's pushed me away before and have felt happy that I'd stayed. But this time I feel it's different. I think he's feeling extremely low. Is what I did enough? I think I should give him time. But I don't think he'll ever contact me again. I'm trying so hard to work out how someone like him is feeling. He said 'It's creepy that you keep calling.' I know the best thing to do is to show that I'm here for him. But after last night I don't know how to. If he's deleted everything already, what can I do? Send him another text and hope that he'll save it?