A Lemur's Tail

[Beatrice]

I admire your optimism. I guess I've become a pessimist and I'm not proud of it, but.... *shrug*

Glad you don't feel TOO bad though. Hope you feel even better and stay positive

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I admire your optimism. I guess I've become a pessimist and I'm not proud of it, but.... *shrug*

Glad you don't feel TOO bad though. Hope you feel even better and stay positive

I TRY it's really really hard sometimes... aka now. You'll get there, this time last year I was so pessimistic you'd be turned off like I smelled of BO with goat cheese deodorant. Anyways, thanks =D

 

[Sial Axetder]

Not sure why, have only read your last post to the Beats. Feel compelled to share.
YouTube - ‪In the beginning - Theta brainwave meditation music by Paul Collier (51)‬‏
Best played with head phones, relax and close the eyes. Float away.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Feeling overall better more and more, still hasn't sunk in and the realization I graduated and no more school crutch is there. Feels like summer break and nothing will change mentality fluttering overhead. However I KNOW deep down change must happen the last 3 or so years of wasting and withering away has to end, time to get back to living and doing.

The habits of avoidance and other things still heavy - esp since graduating but it's not the skin I wear, just this heavy plate mail like armor I got stuck wearing. Like such armor, it's slow to get off, one section at a time.

SO - and I just see Sial's quote now staring me in the face on my page... perfect! Edward Norton you wise boy. Maybe I'll werk with you one day =D

Anyways... I realize esp beign home feelings of hoplessness will wash over me, I expect this, so prepare thyself, to not be washed away. For all things pass. Just gotta brave it, to deal with those moments so once the flood waters of apathetic animosity bred hopeless thought end, I am afloat, at least my head, and let the water go back to proper levels. Kind of what I've been doing the last few days... for last week was horrible.

Anyways... yup.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I awake everyday ontop a springboard coffin
The windows of room blotted black by a dark dying sun

An eclipse of the soul
Driving it to blindness

Where do I find my way through the pitch blackness?
What light shall glimmer hope through this infinite void?

I see nothing. There is nothing to see.
No exit.
No Hope. Hope never existed.
I wouldn’t recognize its face if it did.

And so what is the point?

“Listen!” A voice echoes a circle in the darkness
“Your soul’s been blighted to blindness, but
Can you not hear me through the silence? You hear fine.
Your touch is numbed, but
Can you not feel thy warm breath through this cold thin air?
Now turn your nose around the darkness
And smell the stench of hopeless abandon!
Beyond your blind sight, what you cannot see -
Listen past the darkness. That’s where the glimmer lies.”

The voice echoes smaller, and smaller, and smaller,
Until the black silence swallows a final whisper.

But I can still hear it. I remember.
I listen. And listen…
And I hear a faint glimmer.
And I recognize its smile.

___

This sums things up. To me anyways. Poetry outlet phew forgot how relieving that can be to do!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Feeling GOOD. For once. Hoping to finally do a video blog thinger sometime this month.

Avoided a social event today but I am not beating myself up over that. I have one good one this week at our local county fair with my friend I for sure will not miss. And another fair thing with my old man. Our only real time we talk so that'll be good.

And yeah... my present is hazy but could be worse. Future bleak? Nah. If I allow the clouds to darken my days then yes. No doubt you cannot have sunshine every day of the week but the cloudy and stormy days I'll brave for they cannot be every day either. On the horizon I don't know, now that I'm graduated but there's a scary freedom in that - now it's really all up to me. Minus certain things of course.

Anyways. *deep exhale* So easy to lose the concentration of being positive now in my life but... I'm up for the challenge.

 

[Phoenixx]

Ooh, video blog. Please do one. I enjoy watching them, as I'm sure others do too.

Being positive is hard, I'm trying to keep up also. Hang in there!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Just realized by yesterdays day out with "friends" and these weeks no one cares. Sort of freeing maybe, not vying for other's approval and acceptance and liking. But that's a lie, that stuff doesn't go away. At the end of the day the only support I have is my own. (sounds harsher given things I say but this is for me not others =)

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

So... talk about avoidance addiction. I haven't been on for 36 hours here because totally caved - a friend called 2 nights ago, with this small film featuregig they needed help, unpaid, all day, and had an hour to decide and call the guy. Pretty much been doing nothing since graduating. THis is kinda the road to some things, networking, experience but---

Happened TOO suddenly I've been kinda disheveled haven't shaved or haircut since graduating exactly a month ago + a few days, and internally bleh - so I said no. Or got the guys number and never called. Just wasn't ready for something like this so suddenly.

*sigh* I hate sudden, spontaneous things like this but kinda what happens. I gotta get my head out of the sand.

 

[alwaysrunning]

i really liked your poem, i founf myself reciting it outloud and felt sincere emotion as i was doing it,(i always wonder what exactly ppl are thinking about when they write poetry). Anyhow thank you for posting your stuff and keep up with the poetry writing its really good =)

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

i really liked your poem, i founf myself reciting it outloud and felt sincere emotion as i was doing it,(i always wonder what exactly ppl are thinking about when they write poetry). Anyhow thank you for posting your stuff and keep up with the poetry writing its really good =)

Hey, made my day I wrote it with very sincere emotions at the time. Glad it stuck a chord with you! I should post more I love poetry and writing. I did post some poetry a long time ago: http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/deus_ex_poetry-of-a-lemur-32428/

In fact... I gotta do more writing period, stupid to avoid doing even that. Writings my first passion, and want to do a lot with it.

hey lemur, what possibly can happen if you call him now and do the thing?
i'm finding myself at your position, just few weeks ago i was in deep avoidance stage. did nothing for months, and now i got some situations to make me out of my comfort zone. i'm not fond of it, but i see how positively it affects me now. i'm actually starting to do stuff, and experimenting and getting so experiences that i will benefit from in the future even if it will end now as a another failure.

Oh indeed, avoidance is an addiction a way of coping that is unhealthy, doing is hard, facing fear is hard, failing is hard... but I know this stuff still once IN that addiction phase like any addiction it's illogical but you keep doing it, hard to break out of it. Where I am now.

Glad for you, I mean before school ended I was there too where you were, but I had school to and friends there to challenge me. Scary how things can slip back so easily.