A Lemur's Tail

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

EDIT: Aside from a rant, this will be my diary of progress for SA/etc. this semester. Edit done.

This is sort of a rant and write down of recent thoughts - IT'S LONG, I don't know brevity lol; nothing special, if care to read or not - just getting my thoughts on here. I haven't been here a while and forget sometimes there are others going through similar experiences and feelings I have and am going through. This is long and just kind of blehing it out there. =)

I finally graduate from college this semester have years of dawdling due to "SAD". I myself live a sheltered life of my own choosing, despite my bitching and moaning about that very life. I travel from my hobbit hole to the big world of a major metropolitan city everytime I go to school - but the school itself becomes a shelter as well. I never venture far from it.

Bruce Lee said, "Knowing is not enough. You must apply. Willing is not enough, you must DO." I love that quote - which is ironic. I do the knowing portion and have done the willing portion. Applying and doing are another matter. I try to inspire myself with it - it doesn't work.

The moments of interactions and big social or performance situations where you can "apply" or "do" become like spitting into an ocean. The ocean being the rest of my everyday life - for that's all those "events" add up to - like spit entering the ocean. Lost. Claimed by the sea, dissolved in seconds and no more. It's amounted to nothing by the end - the ocean is unchanged. Years continue to pass, the tides continue to ebb and flow. Aside from the fact I am never satisified with those moments anyways, too harsh on self - filled with regret and stress. I guess that's sort of why they're like spitting =)

Recently I'm forced to do some group projects - filmmaking ones (yes the irony there I want to be a filmmaker one of the most socially interactive and collaborative things you can do, pending exceptions) but anyways I drive with my group around the city - they all live in the city - I see two of their apartments. I still live at home.You know what "that" means. So any life with roomates or "on your own" may as well be an alien culture to me. Today with my latest interaction feels like if I transported three years ago, or five years ago - it'd be exactly the same - meaning I haven't grown at all. I'd feel the same EXACT way and interact the same EXACT way. I hate self-loathing and whining - and as I am writing this - am DOING that - I do it always it's hilariously absurd and paradoxical like S.A.D is in itself.

I feel like I've grown physically, obviously, you don't get any younger - but not emotionally. I feel like emotionally and socially I could be just about to graduate high school, not college. (I'm almost 25 btw). How can one grow in that department when they imprison themselves in their comfy cell for years upon years.

Much of S.A.D is a big league catch-22 - at least for my version - yearning and wanting to be socially involved and active - wanting desperately to LIKE myself and BE comfortable and not so harsh - yet - in a near decade habit of avoidance and hesitation resulting in negative self-loathing.

I hate feeling "selfish" - for there's people suffering far greater than I am. I can't even ****ing volunteer because of stupid fear and stress. I don't know - I had a huge moment in my life where I felt like and started to get out of this vicious nasty sinister cycle - it collapsed quickly not of my doing - but quickly once that was gone I went wayyyy back into the cycle. I never officially left it - but looking back tho I realize I was perhaps on my way...

That was almost four years ago now and I don't know. I feel like that was my moment and that ship sailed and they aren't coming back. I don't even know what I'm writing now - just - realizing my last chance in college and scared of what I'll be doing after - I've always had school and a future to "hope" I can finally do everything or SOME at least I wanted to socially -

Any socializes comes from there at this point in my life - which is all IN-SCHOOL anyways - it's barely a fig. Once that's gone I may as well not exist. And my interactions today - may has well been happening in highschool.

I WANT to just say last chance buddy, now or never - time to change. And Apply the knowing - DO the willing - I just can't. Ah well. =) The future isn't written yet or if you believe it is - well - I don't know the script anyways. Maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel. A glimmer. (why not try to end on a positive note? =)

 

[superfluouslyme]

School was always my lean-on and life after school was/still is daunting. I've been out of school for over a year, never having finished my Bachelors because I was too scared. I'm still holding out hope, though. I don't think there is just one moment for it all to turn out okay. I think there are more ships out there. (Sorry to barge in on your rant, I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from and hope you keep looking for those ships. )

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Oh no, appreciated, I just posted to get it all off my furry chest not expecting anything in return - but response appreciated mate!

 

[Lea]

I remember you Lemur .

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I remember you Lea! Don't forget a fellow lemur! =)

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Could this be moved to Personal Stories section? Fits better there... (EDIT: This has been done. Thank you, almighty coyote =)

Anyways... I guess I'll use this as a diary also of progress of my last semester. It'll benefit me, and perhaps someone out there. Really making an effort to conquer SA. I was nearing the top of the mountain 3 years ago... and fell straight off it. Never got back up - sadly, as I transferred to finish my degree I squandered so many opportunities to make great friends and film many things... but I can't regret that all now, it's done, the future is there. I"m DONE feeling sorry for myself for what happened 3 years ago...

But in trying to change - what I REALLY find HARD is trying to keep and maintain an attitude, ie: positive, hopeful - and not to trip and fall into the abyss of hopeless despair.

It's hard given your environment - such as where you live. If you've lived there a long time and it's become a wealth of negative feng shui ie: the seed of bad habit and negative energy and thoughts. I sadly structured my last semester of school very poorly... too much "time inbetween" for my "bad" thoughts to recollect and strike back.

SOON - I'll be filming more on weekends - for my digital cinematography class (with groups). Scary as that is to me, it'll be the best "medicine" for negative energy and SA. Still... it's draining - already worrying about that, the incessant negative thoughts creeping in, staring into that abyss of hopeless despair because it does stare back...

Motivation = consistent action. But it's hard to motivate self all the time. Quotes, music, a picture of what you want, help - but I realize more and more the environment is so crucial...

I can't stay cooped up in my place. YES - 3 years ago I moved back home... it's so cushy, free, but so confining and lonely and so easy to further my avoidant ways and years of being a catalysis of negative energy and inaction. It stifles and strangles motivation. Any progress is too easily shut like a door when I come home - not always - but - for the most part, yes. It is. AND - makes me apathetic and lazy - it's quiet and so easy to stew in room, be computer and TV and etc. I dont WANT to do things when home...
Takes me back to my old ways n' old bad days...

SO - ON my days off - aside from going to the gym - I have a laptop - a notebook - a pen - all I need to accomplish schoolwork, and WRITE my own things for I call myself a writer but DONT WRITE - I MUST make an effort to go somewhere... doesn't have to be far - to a cafe, to a park, somewhere to think there - think different, find my motivation, and relax and just let be.

THE PLAN: Change body and mind...
Today 3/1/11:
Exercise: Gym - 1 hour - chest/shoulders, stretches. I had good hydration/diet and sleep night before and WOW so much more energy..... plus good cardio too.
Diet: Less gluten, doing this slowly. Building muscle too, so balancing complex carbs with protein and good fats (lots of nuts). 2500 Cal a day. Just made it.
Meditation: Couldn't do it today... I suppose I still can right now...
Productivity: Aside from exercise/diet - stayed home - didnt do work as I wanted.
Feelings/Emotions: Wavey. Up down, up down, down, up, up UP, and down.
Future (within next 2 weeks): Go to my Student Health Center, schedule appointment see a counselor get resources to see a therapast about SA/other issues. While I still am at school and costs covered for...
So it's tough, esp to stay positive and motivated. TOMORROW - Cardio focus, AND get out of house I have work I need to do and thoughts aren't coming at home.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Bad day, unexpected rain, windy, crappy weather. Did no gym/cardio... BUT - will just have to pick back up right away.

I have a lot ahead by end of March, school/group filmmaking wise. Got sudden fear and doubt. About my abilities, socially... overwhelmed in thought. Already feeling drained by events that haven't happened yet.

Did some breathing exercises, TRIED meditate... it helped. Realizing all of that anxiety RIGHT NOW is in my head - that's in the future, NOT NOW - why stress about it suddenly?

Gotta try stay in the "now" more... I worry about things way ahead like it's happening now. Compounded with what IS actually happening now/soon like this paper due tomorrow.... All that stress/anxiety is literally poison on the body and mind and spirit.

ALSO - visualization HELPS!!!!!! With BREATHING to relax - visualizing - I visualized I was a boxer, down right now, trying get up, and getting up, and pushing through and forward. Helped me from being KO'd by the day.

Metaphoric visualization - then did visualization about what I wanted TOMORROW through my big school day. Starting with the end in mind... now if I can do this CONSISTENTLY... key - benefits hopefully will be boundless.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Cardio: 20 minutes high paced walking.
Nothing else - my class - digital cinematography we were going to review our first group projects. My group - bad. Esp me not prepared. So nervous. We screen - professor critiques everyones part - like 20 ppl in class, 5 ppl per group... each persons part of their shots for like 10 minutes. God...

Torture. Esp when finally got to our group - and me - just did such a bad job unprepared it showed. Tried to explain it but was excuses. Sounded heh. Embarrassing not being critiqued as much as KNOWING I did a poor job and trying to defend it stupidly. When most everyone elses was good stuff. But that was my own procrastination and phobia issues... just gotta do better and be prepared for next project.

So that depressed me tho of course tried to be positive I was through my next class had stay campus all day. But got home and... yeah... UGH...

NO, CANT feel down on myself god so tired of that.......... every ****ing class for last 3 years Ive felt this way my last semester STILL DOING IT!!! NO! ENOUGH.

Heh - my last chance in college to change SOMETHING I cant let SA and nerves rule my last semester and my feelings and years of bad SA laden behavior get me down.

YouTube - ELO, Dont Bring Me Down

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Yeah well weekend I always feel worse. Hard to type. Feel drained, emotionally and just physically. So much to happen in this next month (and coming months). Last semester of school -

have essays and that stuff to do - yeah that's always meh.

The real burden is for my major tho, actual filming things. Stuff I plan, direct - and then working on other people's projects. Working in groups. A LOT of this.

I admit I've shut myself off with my own darn major and former passion, filmmaking. 3 years in "film school" and I only since last Spring actually joined filmmaking classes and working with ppl. Nothing outside of school.

I used to film a lot 3-4 years ago. I see ppl film a lot and I just let fears and apathy and low-confidence enslave me to just avoid and not participate or heck even write much of anything.

Seeing other ppl's work just makes me feel clueless and worse. HATE THAT because I want to respect and love what others do there's great stuff but I feel more pathetic because I've done literally nothing or really hacked stuff with no passion.

Now I just feel no confidence and an apathy. There's the social aspect yeah - big - but my own self-worth attached to it as well - I just feel with SA, and some AvPD just the worst thing for this kind of work - film is one of the most social and collaborative mediums/work - just feel overwhelmed now. I dont even want to film anything or help others I just don't care - that is the worst feeling...

Trying to overcome this. Easy to be crushed under the weight of everything to come.

Its too hard to do alone I used to have shame and pride with that that I can do it myself. Not anymore. I really really need to go to my school's counseling/psych center - find info at least of other places to seek help if they cant steer me in some direction.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

So today - started a chain of small group film shoots for class. I did my 1 minute film today - it went alright. I mean - I was mostly functioning well. Man a lot happened today so try not write a whole lot.

Socially tho just - OVERALL good for me - I cant help but be angry at myself for some things or lack there of. There's 3 girls in my group (2 are exchange students, good English but not primary language, other girl from States and 1 guy who is gay, lets call him C. But I feel really comfortable with him he's laid back and really cool and I can act sillier and funnier in my way anyways when he's around. I guess I dont think as much - thus I do and act more. Cant explain atm.

Anyways we all ride, walk around San Francisco for our shoots. And yeah - aside from being tired and overstressed, and not eating all day - my mind went to jello many times esp when C isn't there. Esp one girl who I am attracted too, she's awesome, I would say tho more as a friend than anything else. But even that when it was just us I just go into my shell.

After the shoot and we part I think of everything to say lol. Like a dam went up in head to prevent those thoughts from entering until after all said and done (or not said).

Like theres always things I forget I cant explain it - in the moment I guess trying too hard in thoughts just like being constipated. Push and push but only gets harder for anything to come out =) I get frustrated I know threads about this, conversations - but in the moment yeah nerves but brain literally - feels like shuts off. This has always discouraged me but I know just getting the f out and experiencing and trying be positive, relax the body will all solve this eventually.

BUT GOTTA REMAIN POSITIVE - I KNOW - this Sunday we do another long shoot, like eat before - more coffee - be positive. Write **** down I'll forget.

One bad thing I got off my exercise and diet - last few days had other school work and this all - so yeah Next week try get back on it...

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

OKay TODAY -

First, had many days since Friday filming stuff for my group. Been very fun. Opening up. Wrote about Friday above.

Today is actual class, screening raw footage. Nerveesssss man. Anyways heh could mention many things re: that and me and filmmaking and confidence loss there.

But... the girl in my group I am I dont know... my last semester now I feel like Im thinking something could happen... but frankly, could be anyone at this point Im in a position with, who is attractive and like their personality. But just being in group and also helping her do this film over spring break with other ppl.

Done this before and feel like a situational thing. I just so out of game been 3 years since I had any kind of relationship with the opposite sex, that is, more than classes/etc. I just feel blind no clue if there's mutual attraction, etc. I get some vibes but then... I just dont know. Feel like it's been 30 years not 3 years.

I have waves of good moments I can mumble sometimes but my personality coming out just in general for all. Not being so harsh of self if I blank out or whatever although depends.

Self-image wise flows in waves too , I see hey maybe I am decent looking. And internally, have my funny moments and smart moments. I am not just a quiet stick in the mud. THEN like a snap all falls a part and opposite - like just someone look at me, and it's because of my ears, or my expression or mood is showing and I look funny. Eh. Frustrating.

So leaves me being clueless with things. Not sure how to proceed either way.

Like this alpha guy in class who is friendly with this girl in my group, comes over and talks with her. So natural - asks if she's doing something tonight. I actually mostly like the guy too he can be a bit of a douche, but he's very smart with film and alpha type I just fascinated with ppl like that who's thought processes is NOTHING like my own. Clearly shown by his interaction vs. my own. Not just with the girl but in general with anyone.

I live far from the city the school and everyone else is in, although that's an excuse. I did walk back with the girl, to parking lot with another friend, and had a chance to maybe get something to eat before my other class with this girl. I almost asked. But... hesitated and just went with "yeah class in an hour, gonna go". Frankly tho just getting food is a friend thing I just ehhhhhh feel disconnected from everything.

As an aside - I was nervous about screening our footage today. REALLY... criticism for my own and other stuff... but BREATHING EXERCISES helped reduce anxiety a lot. And just getting out of house/apartment finally.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

TODAY -

Worst day I've had in a long time. In my digital cinematography class, we presented our edited, 1 minute silent narratives. I mentioned the filming in a previous post. I could have been more prepared, was rushed but more due to SA and lack of confidence and ADD at the time. Anyways...

Editing it - I actually grew to like what I did and felt better, it's a comedy. I KNEW what I should have done to make it better, but is what was now and I liked it. ANYWAYS get to point -

We screen everyones today. We get to mine - immediately, I exported the file wrongly, stupid error just exported wrong setting so it looked jumpy (progressive not interlaced).

That was the start - it detracted from the viewing a lot. Made me look like a bafoon for not one other person had an issue.

The professor chewed into mine, on a few shots, other things, making it sound like I was clueless and heh Im sure I'm making it worse now ... but - after failing to defend my reasons, all nerves before wiped me out anyways, plus a little sick -

I just gave in. "Yeah. I dont know. You're right." She didn't understand my concept and I didnt bother try explain it because just felt that horrible feeling when someone punches your gut. Then everyone started laughing because she was really hounding me still on this one shot I had. I doubt they were laughing AT me I know this but FELT like it and thats when for FIRST TIME IN YEARS I felt like I wanted to cry.

I should have spoken with her after but couldn't. Or asked others what THEY thought. Couldn't. Felt like a loser hack failure. Shamed. I KNOW that's not true - but this is my supposed profession, no I wont be a cinematographer but filmmaking and I ehhhh had little confidence anyways - for I hadnt really shot anything for a while ironic I shot more BEFORE I transferred to film school. My SAD got worse when I transferred 3 years ago... kept me from filming much I started last spring a little only classes. Yeah. Sdwi0diwe0dedw

Whatever. I don't even feel like doing anything - I want to say, next film project for class gonna go for gold and give my all. But feel so apathetic now. Ehh.

I don't have the foundation of values and beliefs for self-efficacy. Hard to be positive, I graduate this semester, am 25, feel like Im 20 just going to college, just feel lost. Apathy is the worst. Why ... why feel apathy? I want to feel gung ho and in a healthy way something to prove, I CAN do it attitude. My next project will be strong. But I dont believe me when I say that. UGHHHH DAMN SAD AVPD ADD ALL MY ****.

****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A more normal person wouldnt bow head in shame when confronted with such criticism - would explain self, listen, ask for clarification, talk directly to person and others. Ugh whayever.

Trying real hard to not fall in same pit of bad emotions/self talk/etc. like always have but just hard. I know why... it's because last 2-3 years in "film school", I avoided and delayed filmmaking courses not just for SAD but to avoid this exact kind of moment. Which enforces and shows my thoughts I do suck. Whatever not in clear mind now. **** it. Yeah.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I think you've accomplished something just by showing up, knowing that you may be criticized in front of your peers.

I don't know how good or how bad your project was but theres no reason to feel shame. Regardless the fact that this is your supposed profession, if you accept the fact that you, and all of us, are perpetual students in everything we do, you'll take criticism and failure as an opportunity to learn and not something to be embarrassed about.



It's probably not too late to ask her? Ask your peers? You may gain some insight, you may not, but you'll definitely get the satisfaction of closure.

Thanks missed this response Firewalk. I did get some positive feedback. From peers. I do see where I should have done more, and due to SAD/low self-esteem moments didnt, for one member was pressuring because his scene was after mine.

ANYWAYS... Possible Turning Point tomorrow... at least... big event for a long time.

TOMORROW - Is a school/outside of class project I am doing/in-charge of "sound" for. Short-film. It's over 3 days, and I kinda feel in over my head, I've never really done sound with the equipment being used, it's a lot more technical than I've done before which was a few years ago, before my SAD got worse. I do have a guy helping who has the equipment but he doesnt respond to my email or text grrrr I swear ppl have poor email etiquette these days.

Trying to relax, have fun, it's always worse the lead up before such big events. Still - my brain feels like mush; I guess I am uber frettified about screwing it I can easily get brain farts.

Anyways these 3 days are BIG FOR ME I've never done anything this big - it's Wed 12pm-10pm, Thurs 8am-6pm, Sat. 11am-10pm. Student film. Kinda feel like I'm not ready to be thrust into the fray like that. But. I KNOW I am ONCE I get some bearing, technical questions answered, and ease up. Socially worried too as there's some long car rides to locations, I may have to drive 70 miles with ppl.

What annoys me is this cloud over my head feeling of angst and depression and dred about it all. I understand the nerves fine, but depression and dred? Gotta relax damn lol. It's a process. Regardless of what happens, I'll do my best, try my best, esp not let SAD interfere with communication in a professional sense like asking a question and making sure Im able to try to do the best I can do at that moment. If I make mistakes, I'm human, not a freak.

I TRIED to communicate with director and my sound help they dont respond/didnt send what I asked for, so, what else can I do? THERE =)

 

[EasySkanking]

Hey man, just read your entire thread =). Yeah, kind of a big thing for me, seeing how badly monitors/tv's hurt my eyes now from years of staring at my computer's monitor for HOURS and HOURS

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you struggle so much with SA/AvPD/ADD - a person shouldn't have to go through so many ridiculous and maybe needless things. Makes me wonder "why?" What is the purpose of this? There is no purpose, unless we go with the "supernatural belief" system of reincarnation or karma (or something similar) and think that perhaps we have this "problem" to learn something from it? Karma teaching us something? I dunno, but other than that - I see no other "reason" as to why we have these silly but incredibly debilitating problems. Personally I don't believe the whole "we suffer because we have sinned" (wtf? how did I sin by being born - is it a sin to be born? )... I think that's all bull****, but I'm sure you're aware of that . Or maybe we are really just animals? Like a bear or a monkey but more intelligent? Personally, I've never believed this one either, 'cause I've had experiences that make me think that there's "more to life", and it doesn't satisfy my intelligence (if that makes sense?)

But in the end, I really don't know. Besides, that I am alive, I have this problem and it seems like I can do something about it, 'cause when I try to overcome it and it make it better, it does become better... and I've had small moments (in comparison to my time w/ it) that I was completely free of SA... I still don't know if it's possible to completely overcome it - cause I have never accomplished that.

But what can I do? Let 'it' be and suffer from its effects? Or work against it, feel getting better and take my chance again @ life? But life's hard and not to my liking at all (maybe it's just me). Or can I just be happy knowing that I'm doing my best to be as happy and fulfilled as I can? Ultimately, I think that's what really depresses us (people with SA/etc.) - that we don't do enough about our problem.

Maybe we're not meant to overcome this - maybe we are just born and will stay this way. Just like sociopaths, nice/kind people, ignorant/stupid people, great people, etc... maybe it's just who we are?

If so, then let's just "be" and let's do something about our problem, and this will make us happy inside (well as happy as we can be in this world anyway).

****, I think I just "bumped" into an epiphany at the moment, and I don't like it! lol As long as life is the way it is now, I can never truly be as happy as I have always dreamt to be, and maybe due to this, I can never fully overcome SA (but again, that's just my relationship w/ SA and how it is developed/affects me).

If so, again, I'll just be happy knowing that I'm doing my best to live as happily as I can and am not giving up .

Sorry man, just thinking outloud with you, hope you don't mind .

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

EASY SKANKING - I don't mind dude, helps me. Esp someone reading some of this. I've felt about karma, reincarnation like maybe I did something in another life... to deserve this. Because as I'll explain today; my worst fear came true. It was almost like karma said "yeah, you deserve this, dude, sorry."

Idk dont want to think negatively. Its hard to feel happy when struggling; even battling SA, really going at it, like Im doing over the next 3 days. I cant enjoy the moment... because the battle has to be so conscious. And naturally feel defeated anyways, no confidence; so harsh on self naturally, it's hard to wage a battle and win ground.

Esp after today... I go back to this film thing at 8am tomorrow, ended at 10pm. Ugh.

But I was doing sound for the short student film, and paired with a guy a tad more experienced with his equipment, and - yeah. Socially there's 2 guys working on the film from school I am comfortable around. But otherwise, so awkward with anyone else. Ppl are talking/quoting movies/thinking things my brain cant keep up. I had some moments but I still quietly say them or mumble. Annoying. And 70% time quiet, nothing to say.

SO SOCIALLY it was... okay. Not TOO bad. I hadnt been with so many ppl, strangers and ppl I knew for so long like that, just, fine, SAD didnt pwn me there, I dealt with it, wish I was better but its progress. Feels like I'll never get there in the moment, but I will.

BUT THE WORST THING HAPPENED -- the bad thing, was not to get technical, but have to sync the sound to camera and I wasnt familiar with the recorder. And The other guy explained it to me, and I just brain farted, made one mistake and we had to stop and restart, just go so overwhelmed with nerves and made the same mistake 2 more times. MY WORST Fear to look like a moron. The guy just took recorder from me and gave me boom pole and did it.

That point on I felt defeated, and was a zombie doing stuff. HATE that I let it get to me - hate I stupidly made the same mistake 3 times in a ****ing row. But. I DID IT because I didnt understand the guys directions and my SA told me "dont ask a question/tell him repeat you'll look stupid" ha ha joke was on me, by not asking, pretending I knew. Mistakes are part of it I just i SAID I had SOUND EXPERIENCE, and I have, 2+ years ago... so felt like a fake. Man.

And I go back into the fray in a few hours... wake up 6am. All day. I CANT LET THIS DEFEAT ME THO or now think everyone thinks Im a moron. First thing when we start doing sound, Im gonna tell the guy, "let me do the recorder, not gonna **** up now trust me I learned my lesson.". Rather than, just let him steamroll over now and let SAD DEFEAT ME.

Other than that, the day was fairly good. Cant let that one big bad moment screw me over for the rest of this thing, tomorrow and Saturday.

(As an aside, if anyone even read this far, ppl alos discussing going out after tomorrow, since Friday is day off. Not sure - hope I can slap SAD's voice in my ear saying avoid that, go home after the shoots over)

 

[EasySkanking]

Hey bro, don't feel too down.

Looking like a moron isn't so bad... there's a lot worse things that can happen to you than that.

If it's any consolation, I've created some pretty ****ed up (embarassing) reputations in a past work experience. One thing I learned from that, is that no matter how much of a fool, weirdo, etc., people are still understanding and talk to you - nobody hates you for being insecure. It's amazing

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Im not worried about ppl hating me; but I dont want to be the butt of jokes and "that" guy that ppl reference when "hey you know what this guy did today, you wont believe it...". Gonna be talked to and stuff but just a lots in my head, yeah, and that shows more through my actions, which are more hesitant now as a result. Ive been this guy before.

BUT TODAY, 8am-6pm shoot, - with last nights late shoot, man, never been so tired for a while. Today from a technical/professional point of view; better. I didnt **** up. I didn't do my intentions I wrote earlier, getting that recorder and telling the guy I can do it. I DID DO THIS - not in words; we set up, he had the boom pole and recorder and couldnt do both I looked at him and just nodded and took it. He gave me a look of "Okay, if you do what u did yesterday, Im gonna bounce you" But I didnt; lesson ****ing learned lol.

Today was more social with the crew, an hour carpool to location. Awkward. There. Awkward. THe director's a girl, and there's an actress, both nice, and cool easy to talk to but NOT for peeps like me =D I did tho, but, whole crew everyone has so much to say and funny responses. I feel so --- slow. SLOWWWWW. I have a few moments. Like... but... I just ppl make connections my mind doesnt go in conversations not even conversations, just... heh.

ALSO - the girls, the content of this film is very depressing, so, moments there where interact ppl have hugged, I... so awk. Just. Yeah. Yeahhh.

Hard. Had to battle every second of my SAD. and AvPD. It beacons my to avoid/get out of doing so much. Seriously. Moments of simple things too "Don't go up and ask this, dont do this, nahh that'll be too much". Not even social things; just helping ppl because performance oriented.

ANYWAYS - Satuday, the last day of this shoot, is hardest one. I don't know. I feel like Im 18 with these ppl; Ive done so little in my major of filmmaking; so socially behind; just am a kid vs. everyone else they all have done tons. This is my first thing outside of school since Ive been at this school in 3 years. Man. And as I leave I FINALLY DO THIS... IMAGINE IF I JUST STARTED THIS 3 YEARS AGO, and 3 years of this experience, Id be socially and professionally so much more confidant and competent. Man.

But now is now. THAT'S why Im so harsh on my self when I do technical stupid ****. And feel socially retarded. I want to be at the the level I should be NOW - realizing the work I need to do to get there is so daunting. But must be done.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Don't know where to put this, too long for How you are feeling thead... it's a shorter, rehash of above... so no one needs to read anything else but this post.

This stupid, brain fart stinking mistake I made the other day is haunting me. Wrote in my story thread; short version, Im on this 3 day short student film shoot; doing "sound", having not done something like this in 3 years.

The first day, I did this same mistake 3-4 times in a row, it gets technical but just working with this sound recorder, so I'll leave it at that... once was enough, fine, I can handle that, you only can learn from a mistake - I wasn't familiar with the equipment, the guy working with me then instructs me, and I screw it AGAIN - not once, not twice but 3 more times for a total of 4.
FOUR TIMES............ It was so simple too, my brain just didn't compute it.

He then says "Oh my god" and snatches the recorder from me, and does it. I'm shell shocked for a few moments, not believing what happened. Talk about nightmare situation...

now these 3 days which is bad enough socially to deal with, which is the aspect of the SAD battle I wanted to focus on - NOT this kinda performance anxiety ****. Now I feel like the moron of the crew, making me even more shy, more hesitant about doing ANYTHING for fear of making more stupid mistakes.

I know it's been talked about; I overheard it yesterday, it is something that SHOULD be brushed off, joked about in a light manner frankly it wasn't a serious slew of mistake, just embarrassing. And the crew/people overall are laid back fun ppl - some I know from school...

BUT I can't seem to do that. I've tried. Most of it's in MY HEAD, but that translates into my actions and energy. If I feel like a moron, I'll be a moron.

It's crippling my battle and ruining my experience on this shoot, the last day is tomorrow is the last day... I don't want to go in tomorrow and have this hanging over my head shadowing the whole day making me a nervous wreck of what already is a wreck. Bad enough with the social aspects which is plentiful as filmmaking is; but worrying about making the littlest mistake now is overkill.

'Tis so hard to change your mental attitude/thoughts in a short time frame. Esp IN THE MOMENT - all positive/relaxation I do it all goes by the wayside and crumbles to years of learned bad behaviors and overwhelming unrealistic thoughts and feelings.

Just can't turn this event off and let it go, move on; it's absurd, what's done is done but that's not getting through to me, all I can think about is this unrealistic thoughts on how I'll screw up tomorrow and be the fool everyone thinks when they see. ::

This was my worst fear about doing this, come true, why I haven't ****ing done this **** in 3 years since transferring to this school - how does meh. I didn't want this experience to make me shed a tear for stupidest thing. Makes me want to cower away for all eternity I hate letting that feeling own me. I hate how I can't just let it go and it's affecting me like this ::

 

[EasySkanking]

Im not worried about ppl hating me; but I dont want to be the butt of jokes and "that" guy that ppl reference when "hey you know what this guy did today, you wont believe it...". Gonna be talked to and stuff but just a lots in my head, yeah, and that shows more through my actions, which are more hesitant now as a result. Ive been this guy before.

So have I, but (I don't want to sound like a broken record and possibly annoy you but know that I'm just trying to help) being "that guy" isn't so bad - you live through it... and you sort of laugh at it and dont think much of it at the same time later on. The only people you should be worrying about them thinking you as "that guy" is your family and those you care about/love - and trust me if those are worthy of any value, they will not see you as that guy

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

My last post sums up how I feel more Easy. You're right; I guess the ppl on the film shoot I do "care" about ultimately,- hopefully, shouldn't view me whatever. I've been the knuckle head before. I didnt want my first real venture in 3 years of filming with my peers outside of school; first big social thing also as result, to start this way.
It's unrealistic thoughts/feelings, I trying my best to relax and shake them, but feels so raw it's hard to in such a short time, aka by tomorrow the last day of this shoot.

But when you make a mistake like I did, same thing 4 times in a row it's hard to settle down and not hesitate and feel 20 times more unconfident.