A big day for me tomorrow...

JosephG

JosephG

Well-known member
I am having surgery in the morning to remove a facial mole that quite possibly was the cause of my SA and Depression. Well... not the mole itself - the people in my lower school and secondary school. I was bullied physically and verbally, left alone and isolated with no friends at times and made to feel beyond worthless.
tomorrow is a big change for me but I know it will be no cure for what I go through because the damage has already been done. But I think it will help decrease my self consciousness in social situations and therefore my anxiety and make me feel a bit better about myself.
wish me luck XD I think i'll need it
 
G

goldenholds

Well-known member
Good luck Joseph.

I myself had the same surgery 20 years ago, and this is the first time in 20 years that I have made any mention of it, and this anonymously(one hopes). It does make things easier, but like you say, the damage is already done. Twenty years later and sometimes I still expect to be looked at the way I was then. It's one of the main reasons I feel people are looking at and judging me. Because back then they were.

I am truly ashamed of myself for letting such a small thing cause me so much trouble, when so many people face so many worse problems. But still it stole every last little bit of self worth that I could muster. There was no hiding, no break from it, just a relentless hammering of your esteem. I know it was just a mole, but it felt like every flaw I had was bundled up into one mass and stuck on my face and revealed to everyone to see. Like every imperfection I had was laid bare for all to judge quietly and unremorsefully, with no debate or challenge allowed. Judged. Failed. Finished.

I remember always walking on the left side of the road, not for safety, but so that passing motorists could only see my good side. I would secretly hope that someone might see me only once on my good side, and then never see me again. Then I could imagine that there might be someone in the world who remembered me without THAT on my face. And as long as I thought there was someone, it meant that it wasn't the entire world that saw me as a freak, it was at most the entire world minus one. A subtle difference, but the latter I could cope with, the other I could not.


To Joseph, enjoy your first days of freedom. It’s a big adjustment, and it will always be an uphill battle, but it’s one less weight to have to slug around on your shoulders. The mole will be removed, the baggage that came with it you will have to remove yourself. Good Luck.
 
JosephG

JosephG

Well-known member
goldenholds said:
Good luck Joseph.

I myself had the same surgery 20 years ago, and this is the first time in 20 years that I have made any mention of it, and this anonymously(one hopes). It does make things easier, but like you say, the damage is already done. Twenty years later and sometimes I still expect to be looked at the way I was then. It's one of the main reasons I feel people are looking at and judging me. Because back then they were.

I am truly ashamed of myself for letting such a small thing cause me so much trouble, when so many people face so many worse problems. But still it stole every last little bit of self worth that I could muster. There was no hiding, no break from it, just a relentless hammering of your esteem. I know it was just a mole, but it felt like every flaw I had was bundled up into one mass and stuck on my face and revealed to everyone to see. Like every imperfection I had was laid bare for all to judge quietly and unremorsefully, with no debate or challenge allowed. Judged. Failed. Finished.

I remember always walking on the left side of the road, not for safety, but so that passing motorists could only see my good side. I would secretly hope that someone might see me only once on my good side, and then never see me again. Then I could imagine that there might be someone in the world who remembered me without THAT on my face. And as long as I thought there was someone, it meant that it wasn't the entire world that saw me as a freak, it was at most the entire world minus one. A subtle difference, but the latter I could cope with, the other I could not.


To Joseph, enjoy your first days of freedom. It’s a big adjustment, and it will always be an uphill battle, but it’s one less weight to have to slug around on your shoulders. The mole will be removed, the baggage that came with it you will have to remove yourself. Good Luck.
Click to expand...

Hey there. I relate to every single word you said. I like you did change my whole physical positioning, thinking about every move I make in order to avoid people seeing it. I used to find it hard when I'd talk to people as I'd catch them looking at it (as is natural) and it would totally knock my confidence as people in the past made me feel different because I had it.
I had trouble with women as well when I was younger who thought it was "disgusting" and that they'd never go out with me.
It was constantly exposed which means whenever I'd see someone I was constantly bullied for it. I suppose that type of emotional torture is enough to cause problems like I have now.
Do you think that it caused your SA or is a part of what caused it?

Also guy I had the surgery this morning! It went very well and I know look like Frankenstein with stitches. I looked at it in the mirror and immediately felt relieved. I guess I have to get used to this new phase in my life... (well it feels like that to me :p)

also almost forgot to say - thanks everyone for your support! I read this before surgery today and it made me feel confident and happy. Thank you :)
 
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