30 and never had a real relationship

[lasta]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site. I suppose maybe this gets posted all the time but I'd really like to hear from others who relate, cause at the moment I'm feeling totally alone in my predicament.

So, as you can tell from the title, I'm a 30-year-old female who's never had a real relationship. And when I say relationship, I mean an actual, legit relationship. When I was 14 I went out with someone for two weeks and broke up with them because I hated it. That's literally it.
I have hooked up with people in that time, but it's always been when I've been very drunk as that's the only time I really feel like I need to or have no inhibitions and don't care anymore.

I'd say for the past 10 years I haven't really been interested in actually being in a relationship. It's never appealed to me because I like being alone, or most of the time I think I like being alone anyway. I would say 70/80 % of the time I'm happy being single at the moment. But it's that 20 %...

I had some stuff in the past (sexual assault - not anything really bad, but bad enough to make me scared/anxious/uncomfortable in intimate situations) which I suppose that might have something to do with the whole situation.

I've been trying to force myself to online date. But I absolutely hate it. I've tried it and the thought of actually meeting guys who want to be in a relationship makes me want to throw up.

But I've just turned 30, I live alone, and recently I've started to feel that I would possibly like to meet someone who I can spend time with. It just seems impossible as because of my social anxiety. I rarely go out (although I'm trying hard to change that) and when I do I find it hard to talk to people.

Lately I've also noticed that people (like people I work with) are looking at me weird, or pitying me because they've started to realise I'm one of those people who are constantly single. Like I'm the stereotypical crazy cat lady in the making. And that's starting to bug me as well. So at the moment I'm just feeling super pressured about my life and it's stressing me out!

I suppose I haven't really got a question or anything. But if anyone's been in a similar position, I'd love to hear from you!

 

[nodejesque]

Hi lasta, I can definitely relate to an extent. I am 27 and have had one serious relationship. I have dated, but also get extremely anxious and so I rather not. If I feel like someone may be attracted to me, even if I like them... I get so uncomfortable and hyper aware of all of my inadequacies. As it is, I am very shy and very private, so I also tend to stay home unless I have to work.

I have dated, and although it is scary.... I think it has helped. For me, the more I isolate myself the harder it is to go out. So I have forced myself to try and be more outgoing.

I am a member of a book club that meets once a month, and I also volunteer list my neighborhood boys and girls club. Now, this isn't dating.... But I get to hang out with like minded people. This has opened some doors for me, and I feel amazing doing it because it's a good cause.

So maybe trying something like that? I think that as long as you get out and try to have more interaction with men... it might help alleviate some of the initial anxiety. It's like having to re-learn to socialize with them, especially after a traumatic event. I too can relate to the fear and and anxiety associated with this. I know how scary it is, but I also know that the prospect of staying some is even scarier.

As someone who values privacy and solitude... I definitely understand. I wish you the best... And if you ever want to talk you can message me

 

[Alienated]

When people look at funny like there is something wrong with you...

Get this really crazy look in your eyes, and look all around you, then right into their eye's and say...

HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT"S OUT THERE ?Talk about genetic MUTATIONS !
And then just turn around and walk away.... They know exactly what you mean.

 

[vitalis]

Hi, 27 yo male here in a similar situation. A few decades ago, when anxiety issues were not that "cataloged" and labeled as they seem to be now, there was a Dr. called Brian Gilmartin. He wrote a paper/book after he investigated several single shy individuals of various ages and he called the phenomenon "love shyness". Now, this label has been discredited by most scholars and they simply consider the people like us as being part of some other anxiety problem; in my case, for example, I guess that would be Avoidant Personality Disorder. Since I hate and distrust psychological labels specially from the so-called "anxiety spectrum", I could define this in a nutshell that my introversion level when young has been high enough to deprive myself of many meaningful and normal social interactions, I don't possess the necessary skills to relate to people, and since we talk about dating, the normal dating skills people have when adult. I'm mentioning this because judging by what you said, you kind of accommodated yourself to that situation and just went on with your life but with a lack of dating skills and a reinforced fear of ever doing so again. Plus, that assault you suffered probably reinforced that fear of intimate situations and was like the last nail in the coffin. So I believe that too fits your situation.

I've found an interesting link that explains common problems with women who never dated, it may be an interesting read, as well as other sections of the site. In my personal experience, even if not yet successful in getting past the situation, what has been more useful to me are these steps:
a) Getting rid of the mental illness label. I mean, unless you suffer from a more serious mental condition that requires some medical treatment, don't get stuck to the "Avoidance", "Social Phobia" or "Social Anxiety" words: neither label can define your unique personality, and you're infinitely more than just a word.
b) Try to make some personal timeline of your life and identify the key points and behaviors that where the triggers of your current situation. Right after that, don't think about them too much, and don't analyze or regret about how it could've been different at all; past is past and can't be changed. Now think about what you can do in the immediate future to straighten your life in the way you'd like to live. Don't be too ambitious, but not too pessimistic either.
c) Make yourself interesting. Ask yourself what's your most interesting side? Which activities you like to perform? What can you offer to the world? Think about small steps that you could make to solve your general shyness first, like getting involved in small local groups at hobbies that you like or that you may decide to build some interest to basically allow you to get a bit more general social contact than you do at the moment.
d) Lots of people, even if they are not exactly in the exact rough predicament, have a hard time connecting with other people in a deeper way, and not just in the dating aspect. Loneliness is pervasive and a real illness in our society, even between social successful people. So be very wary of toxic people (you'll know them because they us to abuse on others), and if you can filter them successfully, you'll eventually began to stumble upon some interesting people that are worth investing your time on, and that can probably help you make the next logical step.

Hope I haven't been very boring.

 

[planemo]

Will be 30 soon, and have never had any relationship of any sort. I don't like people to judge me because of it, but given human nature, and since being a loner is seen as something negative, people are gonna usually judge you negatively. I really don't have the guts to say "I just have no confidence in myself, that's all". But even if I did say that people will concoct all sorts of weird reasons why, so it's better to keep my opinion to myself.

I'm not really bothered about being on my own though, but it seems like other people can be. This is a difficult scenario for someone who cares too much about what others think. But overall I like being on my own, whether it's just because I like being on my own, or since being on my own distances me from a whole lot of insecurities, either way I prefer it.

I don't really have advice on how to find someone or on how to deal with the pressures of wanting to be like most people, but at least you know you're not alone in being alone. :bigsmile:

 

[nodejesque]

Hi, 27 yo male here in a similar situation. A few decades ago, when anxiety issues were not that "cataloged" and labeled as they seem to be now, there was a Dr. called Brian Gilmartin. He wrote a paper/book after he investigated several single shy individuals of various ages and he called the phenomenon "love shyness". Now, this label has been discredited by most scholars and they simply consider the people like us as being part of some other anxiety problem; in my case, for example, I guess that would be Avoidant Personality Disorder. Since I hate and distrust psychological labels specially from the so-called "anxiety spectrum", I could define this in a nutshell that my introversion level when young has been high enough to deprive myself of many meaningful and normal social interactions, I don't possess the necessary skills to relate to people, and since we talk about dating, the normal dating skills people have when adult. I'm mentioning this because judging by what you said, you kind of accommodated yourself to that situation and just went on with your life but with a lack of dating skills and a reinforced fear of ever doing so again. Plus, that assault you suffered probably reinforced that fear of intimate situations and was like the last nail in the coffin. So I believe that too fits your situation.

I've found an interesting link that explains common problems with women who never dated, it may be an interesting read, as well as other sections of the site. In my personal experience, even if not yet successful in getting past the situation, what has been more useful to me are these steps:
a) Getting rid of the mental illness label. I mean, unless you suffer from a more serious mental condition that requires some medical treatment, don't get stuck to the "Avoidance", "Social Phobia" or "Social Anxiety" words: neither label can define your unique personality, and you're infinitely more than just a word.
b) Try to make some personal timeline of your life and identify the key points and behaviors that where the triggers of your current situation. Right after that, don't think about them too much, and don't analyze or regret about how it could've been different at all; past is past and can't be changed. Now think about what you can do in the immediate future to straighten your life in the way you'd like to live. Don't be too ambitious, but not too pessimistic either.
c) Make yourself interesting. Ask yourself what's your most interesting side? Which activities you like to perform? What can you offer to the world? Think about small steps that you could make to solve your general shyness first, like getting involved in small local groups at hobbies that you like or that you may decide to build some interest to basically allow you to get a bit more general social contact than you do at the moment.
d) Lots of people, even if they are not exactly in the exact rough predicament, have a hard time connecting with other people in a deeper way, and not just in the dating aspect. Loneliness is pervasive and a real illness in our society, even between social successful people. So be very wary of toxic people (you'll know them because they us to abuse on others), and if you can filter them successfully, you'll eventually began to stumble upon some interesting people that are worth investing your time on, and that can probably help you make the next logical step.

Hope I haven't been very boring.

That was a very good article. I can relate to most of it. Thank you for sharing...

 

[bsammy]

i can definitely identify with the idea of 20% of me wanting to be a in a relationship but the other 80% of me not wanting it..that has been the story of my life and hence why every relationship ive started has ended rather quickly..i like my ME time, maybe a little too much and if you are in a relationship, its not right if you only want to see the other person once every few weeks or so..still dont know how to get around this obstacle..

yeah and then you add social anxiety into the mix and it makes things worse..

i also have a hard time in making myself appear interesting because in reality, im not..i work a 9-5 job, come home tired, do my little hobbies which arent that interesting and do errands and same thing, next day..tried meetup.com twice and it was just strange..i have come to the conclusion you cannot try to make friends, they either happen or they dont through social interactions..trying to make friends is incredibly awkward..

 

[MotherWolff]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site. I suppose maybe this gets posted all the time but I'd really like to hear from others who relate, cause at the moment I'm feeling totally alone in my predicament.

So, as you can tell from the title, I'm a 30-year-old female who's never had a real relationship. And when I say relationship, I mean an actual, legit relationship. When I was 14 I went out with someone for two weeks and broke up with them because I hated it. That's literally it.
I have hooked up with people in that time, but it's always been when I've been very drunk as that's the only time I really feel like I need to or have no inhibitions and don't care anymore.

I'd say for the past 10 years I haven't really been interested in actually being in a relationship. It's never appealed to me because I like being alone, or most of the time I think I like being alone anyway. I would say 70/80 % of the time I'm happy being single at the moment. But it's that 20 %...

I had some stuff in the past (sexual assault - not anything really bad, but bad enough to make me scared/anxious/uncomfortable in intimate situations) which I suppose that might have something to do with the whole situation.

I've been trying to force myself to online date. But I absolutely hate it. I've tried it and the thought of actually meeting guys who want to be in a relationship makes me want to throw up.

But I've just turned 30, I live alone, and recently I've started to feel that I would possibly like to meet someone who I can spend time with. It just seems impossible as because of my social anxiety. I rarely go out (although I'm trying hard to change that) and when I do I find it hard to talk to people.

Lately I've also noticed that people (like people I work with) are looking at me weird, or pitying me because they've started to realise I'm one of those people who are constantly single. Like I'm the stereotypical crazy cat lady in the making. And that's starting to bug me as well. So at the moment I'm just feeling super pressured about my life and it's stressing me out!

I suppose I haven't really got a question or anything. But if anyone's been in a similar position, I'd love to hear from you!

So what's the problem or issue here? If you like being alone, that is fine. But if it is keeping you from functioning everyday then yeah, you need to seek help. I am starting to see that it is not mandatory for people to become couples.

We don't live in some foreign dynasty where we must get together with a predetermined mate. We have freedoms and choices to do whatever the hell we want as long as its not harmful. You are not harming anyone from being single. Who cares what people think?

That's why you got all these stupid baby mama drama crap going on, especially among the black community. It makes me so sick cause I am black and I feel so ashamed. But I am so glad I am not like that at all. Believe me, there are many, MANY wonderful benefits and advantages to being alone.

 

[Xervello]

I wish you luck with it, lasta. Myself, I'm 37 and never been in a relationship or had any experiences. Like you, in my 20's I liked being alone. Used it as a badge of honor, in a way, trying to convince myself I was better off. However in my early 30's I came to the realization that it just wasn't meant for me. Too many issues, too big of a hill to climb, etc. It's good to hear that you're continually trying and attempting to change. Doing something, anything really, is the only way to get what you want. So you're already making progress. Keep it up!

 

[Odo]

I think it's a lot more common for people to only get into serious relationships in their 30s. It takes time to get over yourself.

 

[Alienated]

I think it's a lot more common for people to only get into serious relationships in their 30s. It takes time to get over yourself.

I agree with that :thumbup:

I'm almost 50, had my 1st girl friend at 19. That was a different world then, we didn't have helicopter parents , trophies for everyone, and all the modern conveninces that brought instant results.. I started working at 14, and beatings in school were allowed.

Everything was expected, and no pat on the back, have something for your anxiety... It was the old pull yourself up by your boot straps, and get your stuff done... or your fired.

Yes it was harsh, but none of these problems today existed then. Behavior was more civilized, friendly, and even caring. And relationships lasted allot longer too., people were able to work their probelms out.

 

[Earthcircle]

I had a serious relationship from the age of 27 to 33. It ended in death. Now I'm 49, and can't believe I've been alone this long.

 

[bsammy]

I wish you luck with it, lasta. Myself, I'm 37 and never been in a relationship or had any experiences. Like you, in my 20's I liked being alone. Used it as a badge of honor, in a way, trying to convince myself I was better off. However in my early 30's I came to the realization that it just wasn't meant for me. Too many issues, too big of a hill to climb, etc. It's good to hear that you're continually trying and attempting to change. Doing something, anything really, is the only way to get what you want. So you're already making progress. Keep it up!

yep, same here, ive been in mini relationships but in my 20s i also got comfortable with being by myself and almost shunned relationships but when i hit my mid 30s i was like 'uh oh, i think i need to change something' but its now i realize what a very steep hill it is to try and climb back into the relationship game after you have been out of it for soooo long...

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I had a serious relationship from the age of 27 to 33. It ended in death. Now I'm 49, and can't believe I've been alone this long.

I'm 30 but I've never had a serious relationship, but your statement is very applicable for me, it's very depressing watching most of your friends get married and start distancing themselves (though not quite how they would define it) from you.
It's like a giant hand has reached into your chest and is squeezing on your heart, at least thats how it feels to me

 

[Bronson99]

Everyone is special and entitled to a relationship.

 

[I'm Not There]

I'm 25 and have had three girlfriends so far, although I wouldn't say I had a real relationship with any of them.

I had my first girlfriend in high school when I was 15. I was so terribly shy though back then, that I was too scared to talk when we were alone and that I even avoided her at school. She broke up with me after 41 days.

My second girlfriend I only had when I was 21. Even though the 'relationship' lasted close to eight months, it was a long distance one and we only actually saw each other in real life for about two weeks. After meeting up it became clear that a relationship with someone who's living on the other side of the planet was doomed to fail from the beginning.

This year I had my third girlfriend. She had borderline personality disorder and managed to break me emotionally on multiple occasions. In total I must've cried for several hours over the course of the relationship. We were together for 51 days and in that time span she blocked me on Facebook six times (or seven, I lost count), she ignored me for at least a few weeks (and when we talked, she would often just give me one word answers) and we met up for about an hour and a half.

So yeah, I'm also longing to be in a real, normal relationship for once. A relationship that lasts longer than two months, preferrably with someone I'm not afraid of, who doesn't live 20,000 km away and who is mentally stable.

 

[Luckylife]

I know what you mean Lasta, not bothered but not feeling right about it either. I rarely have relationships but like to be social so I have spent time looking into the reasons why we don't 'click'. It is mostly about myself having a high standard of living and feeling that shared intimacy is a step toward degeneracy, that other people couldn't equate to my ideals. Guys are supposed to lie and cajole if they don't get their way, but hey, I've got standards - am I not beautiful? I won't lie, it's hardly a good beginning. When I see the party pictures and how they slobber over each other... yeach.
I'm guessing here but I'd put money on you finding younger men far more attractive than those of your own age. You sound very strong willed, and to live independently you have to be but this active dislike of meeting guys might be awkward to overcome.
Being a guy of course, makes it difficult to say you what you could do about this, its only that guys enjoy the nature of being close to woman. Sorry.

 

[OceanMist]

Lately I've also noticed that people (like people I work with) are looking at me weird, or pitying me because they've started to realise I'm one of those people who are constantly single. Like I'm the stereotypical crazy cat lady in the making. And that's starting to bug me as well. So at the moment I'm just feeling super pressured about my life and it's stressing me out!

The biggest problem that you are going through is not that you aren't in a relationship, but that you are bothered by what other people think of you not being in a relationship.

I saw a good video on youtube about this, not caring what other people think.

I personally view the relationship thing as a grass is greener on the other side type of thing. I've been in a relationship before, and it wasn't that great. I found out that I don't like having to be under someone else's control and watch. What I'm saying is, relationships are overrated. People say they want a relationship or even marriage, and then quickly realize after a bit that in fact they want their own privacy, especially if they are shy and introverted.

Crap, it probably sounds like I'm saying relationships are bad, they aren't all bad at all. I'm just trying to get you to see it from a different perspective.

What's funny is the co-worker thing you talked about, i am seen the exact same way. They wonder why i don't talk about stuff like that and they assume I'm not doing much dating. In fact I've done a lot of dating and meeting girls, I just don't have relationships.

The relationship stuff, that's just the way society is for the most part. Most people assume everyone wants to be in a relationship, wants kids eventually.....all that so-called "normal" stuff.

Gosh, I guess one of the biggest things I've learned in life is how ignorant most of society is. We don't need relationships, kids, marriage, etc. It's so dumb that most people have the nerve to look at someone wrong when someone has actually decided to not pursue those activities. It's like me walking up to a woman and her baby, pointing at the baby and saying "why did you do that? That's weird." Ok, extreme example, but you get my point.

Point is, don't let society pressure you into anything. Think for yourself. Do what you want, not what you'll get accepted for by others. Do what makes you happy.

 

[MotherWolff]

I agree with that :thumbup:

I'm almost 50, had my 1st girl friend at 19. That was a different world then, we didn't have helicopter parents , trophies for everyone, and all the modern conveninces that brought instant results.. I started working at 14, and beatings in school were allowed.

Everything was expected, and no pat on the back, have something for your anxiety... It was the old pull yourself up by your boot straps, and get your stuff done... or your fired.

Yes it was harsh, but none of these problems today existed then. Behavior was more civilized, friendly, and even caring. And relationships lasted allot longer too., people were able to work their probelms out.

Wow. This generation today just sucks monkey balls, doesn't it?

 

[Nejo]

I had similar thoughts when I was 30 as well. My 1st serious relationship was at the age of 32 and before this I was alone and did not mind it at all. Do not worry what others think. There is nothing wrong being alone but I would encourage you to find mutual love. Being in a relationship has its challenges too but its so much easier to share.

Its the times we live in I am afraid and on-line dating is part of it. I have used but you do not have to rush to date anyone(not saying you do). I would recommend to get to know the person via few emails or online-chat. I find it runs much smoother once you know about eachother a little.