30 and never had a real relationship
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worrywort
Well-known member
I'm 32 and never been in a real relationship either. I'm not totally sure why. It's a complex one I think. The main reason is because I like to spend so much time alone, and I generally feel anxious and uncomfortable around people. So this is the main stumbling block. But I'm not totally against the idea of having a girlfriend, and I've kind of gotten close in the past, but things just haven't quite worked out. I like the idea of finding a nice girl who's on the same page as me to go through life with. I just think because I'm on quite a weird page, it's less likely I'll find a girl who's on a similar page as me.
A couple of things that help me are, firstly, I try to make peace with the idea that I may never have a real relationship. Generally I'm pretty happy and content being single. I still have family and friends. I'll just consider a relationship as a bonus if it happens. And secondly, I try not to get disheartened when it seems like the more people I meet in life, the more different I feel. Half of the differences I feel I suspect others secretly share too but I just can't see it, and the other half, well, I try to be thankful for my uniqueness and to realise that it might take me a little longer than most to find a girl on my wavelength, but that's ok cause it'll mean more to me if I find her!
A couple of things that help me are, firstly, I try to make peace with the idea that I may never have a real relationship. Generally I'm pretty happy and content being single. I still have family and friends. I'll just consider a relationship as a bonus if it happens. And secondly, I try not to get disheartened when it seems like the more people I meet in life, the more different I feel. Half of the differences I feel I suspect others secretly share too but I just can't see it, and the other half, well, I try to be thankful for my uniqueness and to realise that it might take me a little longer than most to find a girl on my wavelength, but that's ok cause it'll mean more to me if I find her!
Odo
Banned
Well, if it makes people feel better, I am just now in my first 'real' relationship which started when I was 35. I also thought for the longest time I was never going to find anyone, I was too creepy or weird or awkward, etc.
But it really is just a matter of finding the right person. It's not more complicated than that. This isn't to say that meeting the right person is easy... but it's better to keep trying than to give up completely.
But it really is just a matter of finding the right person. It's not more complicated than that. This isn't to say that meeting the right person is easy... but it's better to keep trying than to give up completely.
well i think its a case where people that have SA also feel very pressured by family/friends to be in a relationship so it leads to a kind of synergistic pull to be in a relationship even if you dont 'truly' want one...as far as whoever on here recommends the Op to "just not care what other people think" umm that is comical advice being that this is a social phobia website..if it was that easy to turn off the switch and just not care what others thought, this website wouldnt even exist..
Alienated
Well-known member
I just got out of a 5 month relationship, and won't do that again. I was desperate after 21 years since my last relationship...
People can't get along anymore... What has happened to people, now I think I got PTSD after that !! Now I am really bummed out... Back to isolation
People can't get along anymore... What has happened to people, now I think I got PTSD after that !! Now I am really bummed out... Back to isolation
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I don't think it makes you any less of a person for not being in a relationship.
If your content being alone there is no shame in it at all. I admire people who can be alone.
It's the same societal guilt that is put on women who haven't had kids.
There's no escaping the pressures of being in a society that has expectations of you to fit in to it. Everyone must be easily categorized and separated for the greater good. It is the only way the current system works.
I disagree entirely with how everything in the current system is :thumbdown:
If your content being alone there is no shame in it at all. I admire people who can be alone.
It's the same societal guilt that is put on women who haven't had kids.
There's no escaping the pressures of being in a society that has expectations of you to fit in to it. Everyone must be easily categorized and separated for the greater good. It is the only way the current system works.
I disagree entirely with how everything in the current system is :thumbdown:
I'm 35 and never been in a serious relationship. I've had a couple "FWB" then recently ended the last one I was with because he didn't bother walking me to my car that was 2 streets down from his house due to construction and it was dark outside. I've decided though I will no longer get in those types of relationships based in sex.
I just want to say quickly thank you so much to everyone who has replied so far. And sorry for not replying sooner. To be honest, I was slightly scared of what the replies would be, or if there would be any at all!
I am in the middle of starting to read through the replies and I don't know whether it's the right response, but it's so nice to hear from people who are in similar situations. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one. I will write a more in-depth post once I've finished reading replies. But again, thank you.
I am in the middle of starting to read through the replies and I don't know whether it's the right response, but it's so nice to hear from people who are in similar situations. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one. I will write a more in-depth post once I've finished reading replies. But again, thank you.
Here are some replies to people who commented/gave advice/asked questions. Thanks!
nodejesque thank you for your reply. I totally relate, when I isolate myself it becomes harder and harder to make myself go out. It's a vicious cycle. Also I agree, doing something that allows me to hang out with other people is definitely a good idea. I am trying to join a couple of groups at the moment. But actually forcing myself to attend a meeting is so hard.
Vitalis thank you so much for your comments and advice. I will check out the link. And try some of those steps. I think the first step "getting rid of the mental illness label" is so important.
And you're right, it's not just dating that I find hard, but connecting with people. I find I'm sometimes actually sometimes better at interacting with people on a purely shallow level (making small talk etc) weirdly because I've learnt how to do this over the years to overcome what is really my inherent shyness, awkwardness, anxiousness whatever I can call it. As soon as the topic turns deeper or onto me as a subject I clam up and try to find every way possible out of the conversation.
Oceanmist you are completely right. Everyday I work towards trying not to care about what other people think! It's a lifelong process for me. Not to sound too silly, but I have always been a really sensitive person, and I've also always wanted to be liked. It's only in the last few years that I've been able to work (slowly) towards not caring what other people think. Believe me, it's been hard. Not to go into a sob story, but I spent a fair amount of my teens and twenties with some form of depression (mild to severe/medicated) and part of the reason for my depression (a small part, of course there are lots of reasons for it) was my belief that no matter what I did nobody loved me etc etc. And some days I still believe that. Anyway I went off topic there. The point is I understand what you're saying about not caring what other people think, but unfortunately it doesn't come easy to me! But I'm trying!
I also completely agree on the "we don't need marriage, kids etc". I do agree that this is not something everybody wants. Some people do and that's great. But some people do it because of the social pressure as you mentioned. I've seen my sister have married and have a kid because "her friends were doing it" and I know for certain that is something that I wouldn't do.
Worrywort - thanks for your lovely words. Make peace with the idea that I may never have a real relationship. I like that.
Nazim - I do feel like there is an absence of real, true relationships in my life. Not necessarily just in the form of a partner but friends as well. I have friends, but I don't really connect with them on a deep or meaningful level. It all just feels so shallow. I think it would be nice to have someone that I really connect with, who I can be myself with, and not worry about how I appear to them. I'm not even sure if that's possible though.
MollyBeGood - I totally agree, the current system sucks and it is surely based on antiquated traditions that should have been done away with a long time ago. Down with the system!! >:-l
bsammy - I was thinking the same. How amazing would it be if there was a switch that you could turn off though! Care/Not care. Although I suppose it would always remain in the off position!
nodejesque thank you for your reply. I totally relate, when I isolate myself it becomes harder and harder to make myself go out. It's a vicious cycle. Also I agree, doing something that allows me to hang out with other people is definitely a good idea. I am trying to join a couple of groups at the moment. But actually forcing myself to attend a meeting is so hard.
Vitalis thank you so much for your comments and advice. I will check out the link. And try some of those steps. I think the first step "getting rid of the mental illness label" is so important.
And you're right, it's not just dating that I find hard, but connecting with people. I find I'm sometimes actually sometimes better at interacting with people on a purely shallow level (making small talk etc) weirdly because I've learnt how to do this over the years to overcome what is really my inherent shyness, awkwardness, anxiousness whatever I can call it. As soon as the topic turns deeper or onto me as a subject I clam up and try to find every way possible out of the conversation.
Oceanmist you are completely right. Everyday I work towards trying not to care about what other people think! It's a lifelong process for me. Not to sound too silly, but I have always been a really sensitive person, and I've also always wanted to be liked. It's only in the last few years that I've been able to work (slowly) towards not caring what other people think. Believe me, it's been hard. Not to go into a sob story, but I spent a fair amount of my teens and twenties with some form of depression (mild to severe/medicated) and part of the reason for my depression (a small part, of course there are lots of reasons for it) was my belief that no matter what I did nobody loved me etc etc. And some days I still believe that. Anyway I went off topic there. The point is I understand what you're saying about not caring what other people think, but unfortunately it doesn't come easy to me! But I'm trying!
I also completely agree on the "we don't need marriage, kids etc". I do agree that this is not something everybody wants. Some people do and that's great. But some people do it because of the social pressure as you mentioned. I've seen my sister have married and have a kid because "her friends were doing it" and I know for certain that is something that I wouldn't do.
Worrywort - thanks for your lovely words. Make peace with the idea that I may never have a real relationship. I like that.
Nazim - I do feel like there is an absence of real, true relationships in my life. Not necessarily just in the form of a partner but friends as well. I have friends, but I don't really connect with them on a deep or meaningful level. It all just feels so shallow. I think it would be nice to have someone that I really connect with, who I can be myself with, and not worry about how I appear to them. I'm not even sure if that's possible though.
MollyBeGood - I totally agree, the current system sucks and it is surely based on antiquated traditions that should have been done away with a long time ago. Down with the system!! >:-l
bsammy - I was thinking the same. How amazing would it be if there was a switch that you could turn off though! Care/Not care. Although I suppose it would always remain in the off position!
Supernova
Well-known member
I never really know if I have or haven't, I'm not sure if an online relationship counts, I was about 25, for a lot of the time we were friends but we did get together for a while, it was nice. But she wanted it to be more serious, so she visited me twice (I basically have agoraphobia) but we were a bit too shy and nothing physical happened. She felt I didn't love her enough and we split up, she moved and got a boyfriend.
I'm not really looking for a relationship, or perhaps I have to tell myself that to stop from going crazy. I can relate to some of what you say, but I haven't hooked up with anyone before. I thought about online dating but I hate "selling" myself and I don't have much to offer anyone really. I've mostly accepted that I will be alone, I live with my parents (I'm 31) and even they accept I will probably be alone, I don't really think of it as much of a problem now compared to other problems I have.
I'm not really looking for a relationship, or perhaps I have to tell myself that to stop from going crazy. I can relate to some of what you say, but I haven't hooked up with anyone before. I thought about online dating but I hate "selling" myself and I don't have much to offer anyone really. I've mostly accepted that I will be alone, I live with my parents (I'm 31) and even they accept I will probably be alone, I don't really think of it as much of a problem now compared to other problems I have.
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