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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
You know, I just need space I guess and yet also at the same time - Im lost and feel overwhelmed by a lonliness - or a slight depression - as Ive lost that hormonal spark in me - you know that one- the one that makes you want to impress the guys - and others - you want to over self -care and show off yourself - do everything to try to feel good about yourself- that sort of thing
I never knew about that hormones/spark thingy! A strong motivator, eh? I just thought women try to look their best becasuse it feels good to do so.
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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Since i'm getting into listening to much heavy metal recently, i'm wondering do you know what genre/sub-genre your guy plays?
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haha- yeah- I guess its just appreciation or ego or something - it drives you- even though its really the process and pleasing yourself.


Yeah- he plays alot of different genres of heavy metal. Thrash and others- I cant even remember .. lol - but they are all kinda different. He is quite good at it - I wish I could appreciate it more - but Im not really into it. Just reminds me of when I was a teenager and used to listen to Metalica and Sepultura among bands and I was in that rebellious stage. I feel like I have out-grown that I guess.

Had one friend tell me my music choices seem to be quite rigid and Im like - what lol? I told her that I like to have a message in most of the songs I listen to - not exactly all - but its just what I like - so I listen to Xavier Rudd and music like that.
And I guess I like soft music that calms me like Aurora and so on.

I just don't think I could listen to a lot of heavy metal as it just is kinda in your face a bit and not that relaxing to me. But I do get it. But I don't know why, but I seem to want to pay it out often. Sometimes saying it's childish and that these are grown men making up silly occult type songs in weird deep voices ...
that they could have better things to sing about and that their lyrics are emotionally immature to me. .. haha- he was getting sick of me saying things like that - that eventually I apologised and realised I was being judgemental. I ended up buying him a heavy metal magazine and an easter egg for an apology. But for some reason - he still hasn't opened his magazine - and that's annoying.

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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Okay- well things have gotten a bit better these last quite a few days. I've actually been staying home now- and he has been coming to me instead. Rather than me - over-doing it like I had and going to him all the time.

And because I've been home- I'm starting to re-assert myself again. I've been able to relax more and have more sense about me. I've been able to do my things.
Always being over his place all the time and in an environment different from my own I realise that I was disrespecting myself. Losing myself in fact.

I have started up my journal writing again on my MacBook. And I came to that conclusion, that in fact, what I had been doing - and because I just hadn't had that time to reflect - because I hadn't had the space and time to do so. Because it had been him with me all of time almost and like I had said at times , many times I felt like my own time had been hijacked.
Anyways- so now I can see and because of that - I feel a lot better.

You know, its funny- I think most people know deep inside what they need to do for themselves to feel happy inside - but I think we mostly don't do those things because they mean energy to set your boundaries from other people and other things in their lives that they need to maybe distance from for a while. I mean, after all - working on your own happiness is really your personal adventure and you do need room to do that.

I was going to write something else here about this too, but I completely forgot. Damn.

... So, okay- my work has gotten so much better now too. Since last week, I've changed to a different store. Where I work is a charity type thrift shop - but I get paid for working 2 days a week. But I usually volunteer for more time than that. The store that I had been working at was neglected for some while and was going to close down and then it wasn't. It was really frustrating, and it was basically only me that was doing the processing of the donations - meaning I was literally going through bags and bags and bags of clothing and everything else and throwing away heaps of stuff- it was up to the roof and since Xmas- I had been doing that every week - working extremely hard to clean it all up. And each time I would come back to work- it would be all back there again. lol. And this was a shop that used to be a surfie's house and also even used to be a takeaway shop. It a dodgy building and not really designed to be a shop. We had so many clothes and not enough racks to put them on.
But the issue that I had was the previous manager - who had no sense about her at all - esp no business sense and would do the silliest things - unlogical things for the shop that it would frustrate everyone. And she was so narcissistic and would complain about anything and everything - but not do anything herself - and didnt care that I was out the back processing huge amounts of stuff going all out physically for the whole day (just think about those hoarding shows and imagine a large room full of bags to the ceiling)- I would get things cleaned by the end of the day- but she still would complain and wrote notes to me and others to do other things and try to be a boss - but there was no sense in what she would go on about lol. Anway, that lady drove the business into the ground - trying to micro-manange the front of the shop with her odd displays and bad grandma type taste and her ocd of it all. Any donations - we were not allowed to put anything out the front at all. It made no sense that there would be shelf space and her one glass here and a mug there - and plastic flower there .. when in the back we were overloaded with good stuff that had been processed but was not allowed out the front. Our income went from $700 on a good day(before she worked there) to just $15 on an average day with her. The front was so stale and she would think that she was so good at running the shop because of her decorating.. it was so frustrating. And not even that, she was very rude to customers too and would sit right out the front of the shop near the doorway with her legs crossed and smoke - she would do that all the time - basically that is what she would get paid for- whilst I never took a break really and others. We would get people come in with donations around the front- one old guy remembers when he wanted to donate a cd to the shop and our boss asked to look at it- she opened the cd cover and saw that it was a double disk set and only one was in it - and she actually told this customer that there was a bin round the corner and to throw it in there as she didnt want it in the shop...

I mean - that is so not on. And this customer not only remembers that - but also he had yet another run in with this lady too. He had bought a queen anne bedroom furniture set - and there was a dressing table mirror still needed to be picked up. Our boss had rang this man to tell him that the mirror was now at our shop. So this elderly man drove all the way to our shop with his trailer.. and when he got there- turns out that the mirror was nowhere to be seen. Our boss hadn't even checked to make sure that it was even there before ringing him up. And the worst part was that she jsut walked away from us- from me and the elderly customer. I remember him walking behind her, following her and asking if she knew where his mirror was - and she just walked off and didnt respond at all - deliberately. I had to jump in and try to help this man - he had already paid for it. At least when we rang the other shop- it turned out it was there.

But this boss- she left at xmas and since then we had been trying to build the business back up. But we had no workers except for a few volounteers and me who was a paid worker. And inundated with so many donations. I was rally waiting for so long to be able to do up the front of the shop again since she was gone. And really modernise the place and put the awesome things we get donated to display- but I just didnt have the time to do that as there was just so many things to process and noone else to really do anything in the shop - it was neglected really. I was just tidying and processing.

And then some new volounteers came and they were kind of what you would call the bottom of the bucket I guess. One lady - who I ddint really like - an older lady- decided she would be there all the time and completely tidied up the place and told me what to do and was quite rude - it was funny though- but I just wasnt able to do my decorating things anymore because of her- and she was really in your face all the time. And then, yet a few weeks ago - and we were taking turns minding the till and serving (something I usually dont do - SP) - and she ran up to me and said ' I made a sale!' and told me it was $6 or something - but she ran with a the listing paper and wanted me to write it down- and I thought that was weird. So she kept coming up to me doing that - so I thought I would help her and it turned out - she came up to me and asked me how to spell 'bag' and I was like - this lady needs help omg... so I helped her at the till and she wasnt jsut hard at spelling - she was completely illiterate - even spelling her name of 2 letters was hard for her and she worried she was doing it wrong as she seemed to not know how to write an 'i' letter. And I dont even think she knew numbers either.

Anyway - I was still being dictated by her and it was in your face all the time - when I wanted to clean up big time - and she would stop me and want me to help her process a tiny bag of donations lol .

Anyway- a month before I had a phone call from the boss-of all our shops asking me to work at the new shop a town away. Its brand new and is really trendy looking with panel crates used in the interior and used for shelving. It cool. So I was told because I am really good at what I do and have the taste and mindset to kind of manage the shop floor front - that I basically have the run of this new shop - the decorating - everything. So Ive been stoked and really enjoying it. ITs a lot of work- but its fun and Im even learning alot - taking more of my own initative and learning about business things even more.

And it gets me away from my partner more - as I get to have my independence and be in another town for the day. IT makes me appreciate the things I do like about him I guess -even though at the moment - Im not feeling those things yet. But you know - Ive had so many stresses and have not slowed down - in this relationship since it begun - Id been doing way to much for him and not having my own life. So now Ive slowed right down and been at my own place and made him come to me and relaxed more - been able to do my own things etc.. its picking up. Ill get there.
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Old 2 Weeks Ago
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Okay- well this is a long time coming. Actually relaxing a bit and being on my own at home- as Rugs is in town in the city going to some metal event with his friend.

So its nearly, almost will be a year coming up once its June that Ive been going out with him. Ive spent an awful lot of time with coping with so many changes good and bad that has come from being in this relationship and the challenges.

But I think tonight, as Ive had a bad day- im gonna write more about myself instead as Ive had a bad day and need to get it out. Well, not so much a bad day- but bad feelings again have resurfaced that had been in the background for sometime as stress and putting myself last was on the agenda until really the last few days- where Ive eaten things that I hae sensitivities to plus pms and has resulted in me being depressive and anxious and ocd-ish and frustrated with myself etc.

I really think that at the end of the day - Im just really not used to being so social and being in a relationship and just never having that slow time anymore - and never having that break I guess.

But the real main thing at the moment that is bothering me is the way I feel about myself right now. I mean, into last year- and the year before last year I really, intensively worked on myself- I broke through so many boundaries I had of myself and went with my own self esteem ride- I worked on everything that was bugging me - and changed my identity into something I knew was at the heart of me. I took my self care to a very high level, and because of that I valued myself more. I looked after myself like a queen. I actually started to have love for myself more and because of that, because I would try to resolve things, and write on here and so on-

I was 90 percent raw vegan too. Now Im more like 70 percent raw - Ive been vegan for 20 plus years - so Ill never change that- but Ive been eating so much proceessed things and my allergies - from wheat and other things have been really giving me addictions and negative emotions. I jsut dont have that spark I used to have.

I just feel very unhappy with myself at the moment. You know I envision my best self - and Im far from that. I was - at a really good place start of last year- despite my ups and downs - I was processing alot of my inner demons - but I was practiicing my self care so well- juicing everyday, drinking lots of water - eating high raw and splurging my tastebuds on raw cakes and raw chocolate when I wanted. Its hard to explain, but when your raw for a long period of time, your mind and body feel so much lighter and brighter and you feel like your able to deal with anything really. Its like a spark and for me- it meant everything really - it was what I sw as part of my identity. I saw myself as being on top of everything, of having a love affair with myself full of compassion and breaking my barriers, I felt like I was on a magic streak and could surge deep loving motivational feelings when I felt I needed it. I guess I had reserves then.

So if I fast forward to now. I see myself neglected so far, that I just dont have that much of anything really. I feel like when I have a shower - its like putting on a bandaid to something that I really need the time to work on instead and for a long time too.

Its just - I have have goals and things that I want to do with my own self- I want to work on myself again- but its hard- when your in a relationship- I think its do-able - but Im not sure how to really be consistent on it and how to process my own stresses within that realtionship- mostly Ive thought is based from just not being used to being so close to another person - Im used to my space and lots of it.

Ive talked about this anyway to Rugs and he always tells me to do what I need to do. But its like we have to be together all the time most of the time. And when you kinda are not happy with yourself- a relationship can become fake a bit- beause your not attending the isues about yourself that are bugging you I guess.

So right now I really want to stop putting myself last. After easter, I really want to try to work on myself. Ive been running around for nearly a year now - helping everyone else and never really having a break at all - partly my frantic anxiety too- I stressed myself out so much - that all the bodily hormones and such are having to backup and cope now from it all.

I just have this head fog all the time and a tiredness and yet have issues trying to sleep. Ive been in this thing where Ive needed to resolve and calm down and process my emotions but not been able to due to too much stress and tiredness and just too hard.

So Ive moved my work and its a good 40 mins drive to the next town. Ive been in charge of this trendy surf thrift shop that has rustic wooden interior- its really cool- but its meant that my 2 days of work for which I get paid - Ive had to volounteer the whole weeks jsut to be able to get on top of things. And its come at a time when my plate was kinda already full stressfully speaking. But its also got its good points I guess.

But its funny because when you meet new people - and your reflection from them of how you are seen - the type of person you are - well lets just say I realised how far I had gone away from whom I thought I at least may of been.

I feel like its going to take me over a year just to calm myself and get back to some kind of healthy stress level maybe.

Well I guess I really just have to put myself first and really push my self care again and be quite strict with myself regarding all the things I used to do - and new things. I mean, sleeping well, juicing, start exercising again- casually, do things that are going to value me and not feel like getting my kicks doing things for other people all the time so that I dont have to deal with my own things.
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Old 2 Weeks Ago
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Oh and bare with me to whom messaged me kindly/ I will get back to you soon : )
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Old 2 Weeks Ago
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I mean, into last year- and the year before last year I really, intensively worked on myself- I broke through so many boundaries I had of myself and went with my own self esteem ride- I worked on everything that was bugging me - and changed my identity into something I knew was at the heart of me. I took my self care to a very high level, and because of that I valued myself more. I looked after myself like a queen. I actually started to have love for myself more and because of that, because I would try to resolve things, and write on here and so on
I honestly am in awe of people who are able to improve themselves in big ways, as i've tried over the years, but i always end going nowhere (ie staying indefinately, year after year, decade after decade, in basically my same troubled "place").
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Old 1 Week Ago
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I honestly am in awe of people who are able to improve themselves in big ways, as i've tried over the years, but i always end going nowhere (ie staying indefinately, year after year, decade after decade, in basically my same troubled "place").
Same here.
But you sound like me--- you have described me lol - up until a few years ago. Since I was 17- I had huge, huge struggles - and would attempt to get out of them - from 17 to age 33.. and until then - I was finally able to break through my own issues that stopped me going out and being in society really.

I think a huge part has being for me - personally- Ive had the courage til now as I was pushed into a job 2 years ago - just by my case worker - as a form of therapy really - and so I went from being very anxious going out anywhere - like to the shops etc.. and mainly staying home- to getting used to and then comfortable with working in a shop and then beyond that. What I thought I never would have done. And because I was in a social situation for once - where I didnt feel uncomfortable - it gave me the ammunition to want to work on myself- and to observe other people and kind of see where I was and develop into the person - well really 'discover' who I was - in a social world. Because up until that point - the last social event I had had was in 2007 by an emotionally abusive man that lasted a year which destroyed my self esteem and everything in between and brought me backwards of any progress I had made with myself by 10 years. -

So anyway, its never too late. Im 35 this year and its taken ages to get to this point in my life where I am socially independent and have some form of self esteem and an idenitity Im okay ith socially too.

Tho, it takes work - Im finding that since Ive been in a relationship and stopped alot of my daily self development stuff- that things feel like they are going backwards.

So I guess its the really being prepared and taking risks socially and then noting the things that are bothering you- and then targeting them - working on them- building up and renewing your self-identity and how you see yourself and your values. And build and evolve on them from there - which is not without ups and downs.

And the thing is that it takes alot of energy to do too. When you have other commitments in your life- and other people and perhaps situations in your life that put you down and make you feel like you are just this or that person and never who you want to be or not important because of this or that .. I think it takes quite some time to build up that motivation and belief in yourself and gather that energy inside to sustain yourself daily to really wanting to feel better about yourself and be able to take those risks.

And at the end of the day- you are who you think you are - you become that person eventually - anyway. Its uncanny but its true. You are not what others think of you- you are more of what you think of you.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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argh- so Ive had an emotional week. Kind of snapped a bit. I just cant be bothered really mentioning Rugs really in here. Its not that he does bad things really - its just more that he just is hopeless at basically caring for himself. He is what ladies would prob describe as a manbaby I guess.

Its just he seems to have no drive or initiative or anything like that to basically do his basic needs. And that means I dont get those basic needs from him to me either - because of his own lack.

And its just so tiring. Its like - okay- so he's got no money- his dad controls his money and whatever is left from his rent and his smoking habit - in his pocket $20 every day or so from the dole- but usually gone from the smoking.

He spends as little as a few $ on petrol for his car. His fish swim in dirty water because he would rather spend his money on cigarettes than get fresh water for them. He is going around wearing the one stinky underwear or commando all the time as all his other undies are too tight on him. So you know, because his parents - although they live with him - (he lives int he double adjoined garage part) and control his money, and do things for him- they seem to ignore these sort of things and so it ends up me- the one who goes out and buys undies for him- because he was starting to smell. Despite showers.

Its me who since we have been going out- has had to buy the condoms, the tissues, the cleaning things for the room, fish food, food for him, use my car and my petrol, take him out for meals, give him credit for his phone, buy better quilts and mattress covers.. and of course always buying his ice coffee, and getting him lollies and things like that.

etc.. just lots of things- because there was lack of those things and me being me have to control things and make them better.

So I jsut get fed up a bit. I dont really care much about those things - its more that I want him to do those things for me. But he just never will. Its like he couldnt even think of it even.

Its just , its like its so much energy- to have to compensate for lack of things from the other person in the relationship.

Like today, I had to go to work - but hte day before I said that I was going to fake a sicky - as I just didnt feel so great anyway (hormones). But come today - and I was annoyed because for the second night in a row- he had gone to bed at 7:30 at night- and that is so early - esp since he slept in the day and doenst even work. Too much sleep or forced sleep can bring things out of whack.

So I woke up feeling yucky and sluggish and uncomfortable from too much sleep over two nights and just annoyed.

But anyway- I felt guilty that he wanted me to stay home for the day and not go to work and that I wanted to go to work. He had quit his obsession cold turkey the day before (Facebook)- which brings out his schizophrenic paranoias and delusions etc a bit and cannot think of anything else to do. I mean- literally he is incapable of really doing anything productive on his own - he just sists there and goes on facebook - whole days often - going through millions of his selfies on his computer and then doing some guitar and alot of pacing and smoking and thats about it. There have been many times I have come home from work at the end of the day and his dogs wee from the night (its not trained) is still on the floor.

Anwyays. Thats what I mean. It sux. I dont know how to try to give him intitative without hurting his feelings. And it hurts because my mum doesnt want me to be with him and even my dad kinda. They can see all the odd behaviour and mum can see how much everything has been on me- how I have to be to provider- the planner, the everything just about.

And then there is the thing of spending too mucj time with someone - when they are just in your face all the time. And then there is the thing when you want to see them- and then you see them and they just dont bother to really do anything for themselves.


And I jsut get annoyed. Like as if he cant see it. How much its like draging msyelf into the dirt - cant he fix himself up - realise this and then actually do things for me in proper ways ( i mean he does things for me- but not like I do for him)- why cant he be responsible.

So today its like - you know I wanted to go to work- I want to be productive all the time. I want to be able to achieve things. Beccause being with him always seems like a huge waste of time and his lifestyle wears off on me - feeling like a lost case.

Its like - today he wanted me to be with him- he didnt want to be alone really- and I ask him - what will we do (hoping he has some idea)- and he is like - oh we can clean my place - watch some films , go for some walks. But we do all that all the time. I spend all the time with him mostly. And then as soon as a drug friend messages him that needs a lift or something - he changes his mind and says he is going to help his friend. And its like - im prepared to give up my work to be with you - and feel guilty going to work- and yet you can just say yes to this friend etc.. What I mean is that in so many things with him- he s unbelievably ignorantly selfish. Today - he just didnt want to be alone.

I give him gifts all the time. I am silly i know. But even for him to have money. He prob wouldnt even think of me. He would neve rbuy me anything new. Just a second hand teddy or something you know.

He just cannot see"""

I am sick of feeling guilty because of his lack of and having to compensate for him.

He just likes to be immature and lazy and ignorantly selfish and not even realise.

He has yet to pay me back for anything.

Its all so unbalanced.

And I cant even tell if he just wants to be with me because I do things for him and provide him with company and buy him things all the time and get him out from his garage and travel places more etc..

Idk-

its like he is the lady and Im yet to have anything done for me. I feel like Im just taken for granted.

I want him to go and provide for me like I have been doing for him. And have some time where I dont have to think about cleaning for him and doing basic things he should be doing for himself..
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Old 1 Week Ago
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But anyway- I felt guilty that he wanted me to stay home for the day and not go to work and that I wanted to go to work. He had quit his obsession cold turkey the day before (Facebook)- which brings out his schizophrenic paranoias and delusions etc a bit and cannot think of anything else to do. I mean- literally he is incapable of really doing anything productive on his own - he just sists there and goes on facebook - whole days often - going through millions of his selfies on his computer and then doing some guitar and alot of pacing and smoking and thats about it. There have been many times I have come home from work at the end of the day and his dogs wee from the night (its not trained) is still on the floor.
What's he gonna do now without the facebook???
I've come across a schizophrenic bod who was constantly walking back and forwards, to/from his room, and constantly smoking, and constantly playing loud headphone thrash/etc music, and often giggling to himself. I found him to be weird.
Well at least his #2's aren't left on the floor i guess!
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