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Old 04-03-2017
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You know, I just need space I guess and yet also at the same time - Im lost and feel overwhelmed by a lonliness - or a slight depression - as Ive lost that hormonal spark in me - you know that one- the one that makes you want to impress the guys - and others - you want to over self -care and show off yourself - do everything to try to feel good about yourself- that sort of thing
I never knew about that hormones/spark thingy! A strong motivator, eh? I just thought women try to look their best becasuse it feels good to do so.
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Old 04-03-2017
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Since i'm getting into listening to much heavy metal recently, i'm wondering do you know what genre/sub-genre your guy plays?
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Old 04-03-2017
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haha- yeah- I guess its just appreciation or ego or something - it drives you- even though its really the process and pleasing yourself.


Yeah- he plays alot of different genres of heavy metal. Thrash and others- I cant even remember .. lol - but they are all kinda different. He is quite good at it - I wish I could appreciate it more - but Im not really into it. Just reminds me of when I was a teenager and used to listen to Metalica and Sepultura among bands and I was in that rebellious stage. I feel like I have out-grown that I guess.

Had one friend tell me my music choices seem to be quite rigid and Im like - what lol? I told her that I like to have a message in most of the songs I listen to - not exactly all - but its just what I like - so I listen to Xavier Rudd and music like that.
And I guess I like soft music that calms me like Aurora and so on.

I just don't think I could listen to a lot of heavy metal as it just is kinda in your face a bit and not that relaxing to me. But I do get it. But I don't know why, but I seem to want to pay it out often. Sometimes saying it's childish and that these are grown men making up silly occult type songs in weird deep voices ...
that they could have better things to sing about and that their lyrics are emotionally immature to me. .. haha- he was getting sick of me saying things like that - that eventually I apologised and realised I was being judgemental. I ended up buying him a heavy metal magazine and an easter egg for an apology. But for some reason - he still hasn't opened his magazine - and that's annoying.

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Old 04-03-2017
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Okay- well things have gotten a bit better these last quite a few days. I've actually been staying home now- and he has been coming to me instead. Rather than me - over-doing it like I had and going to him all the time.

And because I've been home- I'm starting to re-assert myself again. I've been able to relax more and have more sense about me. I've been able to do my things.
Always being over his place all the time and in an environment different from my own I realise that I was disrespecting myself. Losing myself in fact.

I have started up my journal writing again on my MacBook. And I came to that conclusion, that in fact, what I had been doing - and because I just hadn't had that time to reflect - because I hadn't had the space and time to do so. Because it had been him with me all of time almost and like I had said at times , many times I felt like my own time had been hijacked.
Anyways- so now I can see and because of that - I feel a lot better.

You know, its funny- I think most people know deep inside what they need to do for themselves to feel happy inside - but I think we mostly don't do those things because they mean energy to set your boundaries from other people and other things in their lives that they need to maybe distance from for a while. I mean, after all - working on your own happiness is really your personal adventure and you do need room to do that.

I was going to write something else here about this too, but I completely forgot. Damn.

... So, okay- my work has gotten so much better now too. Since last week, I've changed to a different store. Where I work is a charity type thrift shop - but I get paid for working 2 days a week. But I usually volunteer for more time than that. The store that I had been working at was neglected for some while and was going to close down and then it wasn't. It was really frustrating, and it was basically only me that was doing the processing of the donations - meaning I was literally going through bags and bags and bags of clothing and everything else and throwing away heaps of stuff- it was up to the roof and since Xmas- I had been doing that every week - working extremely hard to clean it all up. And each time I would come back to work- it would be all back there again. lol. And this was a shop that used to be a surfie's house and also even used to be a takeaway shop. It a dodgy building and not really designed to be a shop. We had so many clothes and not enough racks to put them on.
But the issue that I had was the previous manager - who had no sense about her at all - esp no business sense and would do the silliest things - unlogical things for the shop that it would frustrate everyone. And she was so narcissistic and would complain about anything and everything - but not do anything herself - and didnt care that I was out the back processing huge amounts of stuff going all out physically for the whole day (just think about those hoarding shows and imagine a large room full of bags to the ceiling)- I would get things cleaned by the end of the day- but she still would complain and wrote notes to me and others to do other things and try to be a boss - but there was no sense in what she would go on about lol. Anway, that lady drove the business into the ground - trying to micro-manange the front of the shop with her odd displays and bad grandma type taste and her ocd of it all. Any donations - we were not allowed to put anything out the front at all. It made no sense that there would be shelf space and her one glass here and a mug there - and plastic flower there .. when in the back we were overloaded with good stuff that had been processed but was not allowed out the front. Our income went from $700 on a good day(before she worked there) to just $15 on an average day with her. The front was so stale and she would think that she was so good at running the shop because of her decorating.. it was so frustrating. And not even that, she was very rude to customers too and would sit right out the front of the shop near the doorway with her legs crossed and smoke - she would do that all the time - basically that is what she would get paid for- whilst I never took a break really and others. We would get people come in with donations around the front- one old guy remembers when he wanted to donate a cd to the shop and our boss asked to look at it- she opened the cd cover and saw that it was a double disk set and only one was in it - and she actually told this customer that there was a bin round the corner and to throw it in there as she didnt want it in the shop...

I mean - that is so not on. And this customer not only remembers that - but also he had yet another run in with this lady too. He had bought a queen anne bedroom furniture set - and there was a dressing table mirror still needed to be picked up. Our boss had rang this man to tell him that the mirror was now at our shop. So this elderly man drove all the way to our shop with his trailer.. and when he got there- turns out that the mirror was nowhere to be seen. Our boss hadn't even checked to make sure that it was even there before ringing him up. And the worst part was that she jsut walked away from us- from me and the elderly customer. I remember him walking behind her, following her and asking if she knew where his mirror was - and she just walked off and didnt respond at all - deliberately. I had to jump in and try to help this man - he had already paid for it. At least when we rang the other shop- it turned out it was there.

But this boss- she left at xmas and since then we had been trying to build the business back up. But we had no workers except for a few volounteers and me who was a paid worker. And inundated with so many donations. I was rally waiting for so long to be able to do up the front of the shop again since she was gone. And really modernise the place and put the awesome things we get donated to display- but I just didnt have the time to do that as there was just so many things to process and noone else to really do anything in the shop - it was neglected really. I was just tidying and processing.

And then some new volounteers came and they were kind of what you would call the bottom of the bucket I guess. One lady - who I ddint really like - an older lady- decided she would be there all the time and completely tidied up the place and told me what to do and was quite rude - it was funny though- but I just wasnt able to do my decorating things anymore because of her- and she was really in your face all the time. And then, yet a few weeks ago - and we were taking turns minding the till and serving (something I usually dont do - SP) - and she ran up to me and said ' I made a sale!' and told me it was $6 or something - but she ran with a the listing paper and wanted me to write it down- and I thought that was weird. So she kept coming up to me doing that - so I thought I would help her and it turned out - she came up to me and asked me how to spell 'bag' and I was like - this lady needs help omg... so I helped her at the till and she wasnt jsut hard at spelling - she was completely illiterate - even spelling her name of 2 letters was hard for her and she worried she was doing it wrong as she seemed to not know how to write an 'i' letter. And I dont even think she knew numbers either.

Anyway - I was still being dictated by her and it was in your face all the time - when I wanted to clean up big time - and she would stop me and want me to help her process a tiny bag of donations lol .

Anyway- a month before I had a phone call from the boss-of all our shops asking me to work at the new shop a town away. Its brand new and is really trendy looking with panel crates used in the interior and used for shelving. It cool. So I was told because I am really good at what I do and have the taste and mindset to kind of manage the shop floor front - that I basically have the run of this new shop - the decorating - everything. So Ive been stoked and really enjoying it. ITs a lot of work- but its fun and Im even learning alot - taking more of my own initative and learning about business things even more.

And it gets me away from my partner more - as I get to have my independence and be in another town for the day. IT makes me appreciate the things I do like about him I guess -even though at the moment - Im not feeling those things yet. But you know - Ive had so many stresses and have not slowed down - in this relationship since it begun - Id been doing way to much for him and not having my own life. So now Ive slowed right down and been at my own place and made him come to me and relaxed more - been able to do my own things etc.. its picking up. Ill get there.
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Old 04-13-2017
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Okay- well this is a long time coming. Actually relaxing a bit and being on my own at home- as Rugs is in town in the city going to some metal event with his friend.

So its nearly, almost will be a year coming up once its June that Ive been going out with him. Ive spent an awful lot of time with coping with so many changes good and bad that has come from being in this relationship and the challenges.

But I think tonight, as Ive had a bad day- im gonna write more about myself instead as Ive had a bad day and need to get it out. Well, not so much a bad day- but bad feelings again have resurfaced that had been in the background for sometime as stress and putting myself last was on the agenda until really the last few days- where Ive eaten things that I hae sensitivities to plus pms and has resulted in me being depressive and anxious and ocd-ish and frustrated with myself etc.

I really think that at the end of the day - Im just really not used to being so social and being in a relationship and just never having that slow time anymore - and never having that break I guess.

But the real main thing at the moment that is bothering me is the way I feel about myself right now. I mean, into last year- and the year before last year I really, intensively worked on myself- I broke through so many boundaries I had of myself and went with my own self esteem ride- I worked on everything that was bugging me - and changed my identity into something I knew was at the heart of me. I took my self care to a very high level, and because of that I valued myself more. I looked after myself like a queen. I actually started to have love for myself more and because of that, because I would try to resolve things, and write on here and so on-

I was 90 percent raw vegan too. Now Im more like 70 percent raw - Ive been vegan for 20 plus years - so Ill never change that- but Ive been eating so much proceessed things and my allergies - from wheat and other things have been really giving me addictions and negative emotions. I jsut dont have that spark I used to have.

I just feel very unhappy with myself at the moment. You know I envision my best self - and Im far from that. I was - at a really good place start of last year- despite my ups and downs - I was processing alot of my inner demons - but I was practiicing my self care so well- juicing everyday, drinking lots of water - eating high raw and splurging my tastebuds on raw cakes and raw chocolate when I wanted. Its hard to explain, but when your raw for a long period of time, your mind and body feel so much lighter and brighter and you feel like your able to deal with anything really. Its like a spark and for me- it meant everything really - it was what I sw as part of my identity. I saw myself as being on top of everything, of having a love affair with myself full of compassion and breaking my barriers, I felt like I was on a magic streak and could surge deep loving motivational feelings when I felt I needed it. I guess I had reserves then.

So if I fast forward to now. I see myself neglected so far, that I just dont have that much of anything really. I feel like when I have a shower - its like putting on a bandaid to something that I really need the time to work on instead and for a long time too.

Its just - I have have goals and things that I want to do with my own self- I want to work on myself again- but its hard- when your in a relationship- I think its do-able - but Im not sure how to really be consistent on it and how to process my own stresses within that realtionship- mostly Ive thought is based from just not being used to being so close to another person - Im used to my space and lots of it.

Ive talked about this anyway to Rugs and he always tells me to do what I need to do. But its like we have to be together all the time most of the time. And when you kinda are not happy with yourself- a relationship can become fake a bit- beause your not attending the isues about yourself that are bugging you I guess.

So right now I really want to stop putting myself last. After easter, I really want to try to work on myself. Ive been running around for nearly a year now - helping everyone else and never really having a break at all - partly my frantic anxiety too- I stressed myself out so much - that all the bodily hormones and such are having to backup and cope now from it all.

I just have this head fog all the time and a tiredness and yet have issues trying to sleep. Ive been in this thing where Ive needed to resolve and calm down and process my emotions but not been able to due to too much stress and tiredness and just too hard.

So Ive moved my work and its a good 40 mins drive to the next town. Ive been in charge of this trendy surf thrift shop that has rustic wooden interior- its really cool- but its meant that my 2 days of work for which I get paid - Ive had to volounteer the whole weeks jsut to be able to get on top of things. And its come at a time when my plate was kinda already full stressfully speaking. But its also got its good points I guess.

But its funny because when you meet new people - and your reflection from them of how you are seen - the type of person you are - well lets just say I realised how far I had gone away from whom I thought I at least may of been.

I feel like its going to take me over a year just to calm myself and get back to some kind of healthy stress level maybe.

Well I guess I really just have to put myself first and really push my self care again and be quite strict with myself regarding all the things I used to do - and new things. I mean, sleeping well, juicing, start exercising again- casually, do things that are going to value me and not feel like getting my kicks doing things for other people all the time so that I dont have to deal with my own things.
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Old 04-13-2017
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Oh and bare with me to whom messaged me kindly/ I will get back to you soon : )
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Old 04-13-2017
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I mean, into last year- and the year before last year I really, intensively worked on myself- I broke through so many boundaries I had of myself and went with my own self esteem ride- I worked on everything that was bugging me - and changed my identity into something I knew was at the heart of me. I took my self care to a very high level, and because of that I valued myself more. I looked after myself like a queen. I actually started to have love for myself more and because of that, because I would try to resolve things, and write on here and so on
I honestly am in awe of people who are able to improve themselves in big ways, as i've tried over the years, but i always end going nowhere (ie staying indefinately, year after year, decade after decade, in basically my same troubled "place").
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Old 04-20-2017
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I honestly am in awe of people who are able to improve themselves in big ways, as i've tried over the years, but i always end going nowhere (ie staying indefinately, year after year, decade after decade, in basically my same troubled "place").
Same here.
But you sound like me--- you have described me lol - up until a few years ago. Since I was 17- I had huge, huge struggles - and would attempt to get out of them - from 17 to age 33.. and until then - I was finally able to break through my own issues that stopped me going out and being in society really.

I think a huge part has being for me - personally- Ive had the courage til now as I was pushed into a job 2 years ago - just by my case worker - as a form of therapy really - and so I went from being very anxious going out anywhere - like to the shops etc.. and mainly staying home- to getting used to and then comfortable with working in a shop and then beyond that. What I thought I never would have done. And because I was in a social situation for once - where I didnt feel uncomfortable - it gave me the ammunition to want to work on myself- and to observe other people and kind of see where I was and develop into the person - well really 'discover' who I was - in a social world. Because up until that point - the last social event I had had was in 2007 by an emotionally abusive man that lasted a year which destroyed my self esteem and everything in between and brought me backwards of any progress I had made with myself by 10 years. -

So anyway, its never too late. Im 35 this year and its taken ages to get to this point in my life where I am socially independent and have some form of self esteem and an idenitity Im okay ith socially too.

Tho, it takes work - Im finding that since Ive been in a relationship and stopped alot of my daily self development stuff- that things feel like they are going backwards.

So I guess its the really being prepared and taking risks socially and then noting the things that are bothering you- and then targeting them - working on them- building up and renewing your self-identity and how you see yourself and your values. And build and evolve on them from there - which is not without ups and downs.

And the thing is that it takes alot of energy to do too. When you have other commitments in your life- and other people and perhaps situations in your life that put you down and make you feel like you are just this or that person and never who you want to be or not important because of this or that .. I think it takes quite some time to build up that motivation and belief in yourself and gather that energy inside to sustain yourself daily to really wanting to feel better about yourself and be able to take those risks.

And at the end of the day- you are who you think you are - you become that person eventually - anyway. Its uncanny but its true. You are not what others think of you- you are more of what you think of you.
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Old 04-20-2017
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argh- so Ive had an emotional week. Kind of snapped a bit. I just cant be bothered really mentioning Rugs really in here. Its not that he does bad things really - its just more that he just is hopeless at basically caring for himself. He is what ladies would prob describe as a manbaby I guess.

Its just he seems to have no drive or initiative or anything like that to basically do his basic needs. And that means I dont get those basic needs from him to me either - because of his own lack.

And its just so tiring. Its like - okay- so he's got no money- his dad controls his money and whatever is left from his rent and his smoking habit - in his pocket $20 every day or so from the dole- but usually gone from the smoking.

He spends as little as a few $ on petrol for his car. His fish swim in dirty water because he would rather spend his money on cigarettes than get fresh water for them. He is going around wearing the one stinky underwear or commando all the time as all his other undies are too tight on him. So you know, because his parents - although they live with him - (he lives int he double adjoined garage part) and control his money, and do things for him- they seem to ignore these sort of things and so it ends up me- the one who goes out and buys undies for him- because he was starting to smell. Despite showers.

Its me who since we have been going out- has had to buy the condoms, the tissues, the cleaning things for the room, fish food, food for him, use my car and my petrol, take him out for meals, give him credit for his phone, buy better quilts and mattress covers.. and of course always buying his ice coffee, and getting him lollies and things like that.

etc.. just lots of things- because there was lack of those things and me being me have to control things and make them better.

So I jsut get fed up a bit. I dont really care much about those things - its more that I want him to do those things for me. But he just never will. Its like he couldnt even think of it even.

Its just , its like its so much energy- to have to compensate for lack of things from the other person in the relationship.

Like today, I had to go to work - but hte day before I said that I was going to fake a sicky - as I just didnt feel so great anyway (hormones). But come today - and I was annoyed because for the second night in a row- he had gone to bed at 7:30 at night- and that is so early - esp since he slept in the day and doenst even work. Too much sleep or forced sleep can bring things out of whack.

So I woke up feeling yucky and sluggish and uncomfortable from too much sleep over two nights and just annoyed.

But anyway- I felt guilty that he wanted me to stay home for the day and not go to work and that I wanted to go to work. He had quit his obsession cold turkey the day before (Facebook)- which brings out his schizophrenic paranoias and delusions etc a bit and cannot think of anything else to do. I mean- literally he is incapable of really doing anything productive on his own - he just sists there and goes on facebook - whole days often - going through millions of his selfies on his computer and then doing some guitar and alot of pacing and smoking and thats about it. There have been many times I have come home from work at the end of the day and his dogs wee from the night (its not trained) is still on the floor.

Anwyays. Thats what I mean. It sux. I dont know how to try to give him intitative without hurting his feelings. And it hurts because my mum doesnt want me to be with him and even my dad kinda. They can see all the odd behaviour and mum can see how much everything has been on me- how I have to be to provider- the planner, the everything just about.

And then there is the thing of spending too mucj time with someone - when they are just in your face all the time. And then there is the thing when you want to see them- and then you see them and they just dont bother to really do anything for themselves.


And I jsut get annoyed. Like as if he cant see it. How much its like draging msyelf into the dirt - cant he fix himself up - realise this and then actually do things for me in proper ways ( i mean he does things for me- but not like I do for him)- why cant he be responsible.

So today its like - you know I wanted to go to work- I want to be productive all the time. I want to be able to achieve things. Beccause being with him always seems like a huge waste of time and his lifestyle wears off on me - feeling like a lost case.

Its like - today he wanted me to be with him- he didnt want to be alone really- and I ask him - what will we do (hoping he has some idea)- and he is like - oh we can clean my place - watch some films , go for some walks. But we do all that all the time. I spend all the time with him mostly. And then as soon as a drug friend messages him that needs a lift or something - he changes his mind and says he is going to help his friend. And its like - im prepared to give up my work to be with you - and feel guilty going to work- and yet you can just say yes to this friend etc.. What I mean is that in so many things with him- he s unbelievably ignorantly selfish. Today - he just didnt want to be alone.

I give him gifts all the time. I am silly i know. But even for him to have money. He prob wouldnt even think of me. He would neve rbuy me anything new. Just a second hand teddy or something you know.

He just cannot see"""

I am sick of feeling guilty because of his lack of and having to compensate for him.

He just likes to be immature and lazy and ignorantly selfish and not even realise.

He has yet to pay me back for anything.

Its all so unbalanced.

And I cant even tell if he just wants to be with me because I do things for him and provide him with company and buy him things all the time and get him out from his garage and travel places more etc..

Idk-

its like he is the lady and Im yet to have anything done for me. I feel like Im just taken for granted.

I want him to go and provide for me like I have been doing for him. And have some time where I dont have to think about cleaning for him and doing basic things he should be doing for himself..
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Old 04-21-2017
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But anyway- I felt guilty that he wanted me to stay home for the day and not go to work and that I wanted to go to work. He had quit his obsession cold turkey the day before (Facebook)- which brings out his schizophrenic paranoias and delusions etc a bit and cannot think of anything else to do. I mean- literally he is incapable of really doing anything productive on his own - he just sists there and goes on facebook - whole days often - going through millions of his selfies on his computer and then doing some guitar and alot of pacing and smoking and thats about it. There have been many times I have come home from work at the end of the day and his dogs wee from the night (its not trained) is still on the floor.
What's he gonna do now without the facebook???
I've come across a schizophrenic bod who was constantly walking back and forwards, to/from his room, and constantly smoking, and constantly playing loud headphone thrash/etc music, and often giggling to himself. I found him to be weird.
Well at least his #2's aren't left on the floor i guess!
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Old 04-30-2017
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What's he gonna do now without the facebook???
I've come across a schizophrenic bod who was constantly walking back and forwards, to/from his room, and constantly smoking, and constantly playing loud headphone thrash/etc music, and often giggling to himself. I found him to be weird.
Well at least his #2's aren't left on the floor i guess!

Well he is of course back on the Facebook. He does this every now and then.

Yeah, that describes him well actually. He is constantly walking back forthe from his room to outside, constantly smoking outside, giggles to himself every now and then.. etc.. likes to listen to his metal music.. and also the constant wobbling of his leg when he sits down- its like he is always on edge but not.
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Old 04-30-2017
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So - okaaay - well I got a cold and feel like I have no strength lol. Im at home for once. But Ive just been so damn stressed out to the point of no return lately. More than ever - it just keeps on compiling.

Its just this relationship- there are so many holes and its become some sort of co-dependence really instead. And something I dont want to really be in even anymore - and felt that way almost from the begining - but it was just I wanted validation and things because of my low self esteeem and BDD. And I never thought that it would make someone so besotted with me and all that.

I mean, god - Im so used to being on my own and being self motivatited and responsible somewhat with my life - I do things that any normal person does. And I do things I like to do too. But its very hard in this relationship to even have an individual identity, have my own time to do anything etc..

He is always in my face- always has to be with me. And it gets to the point where it feels uneasy sometimes. He just has his ways his mind works with his illness that he cannot see how frivolous with his time and doesnt seem to want to his own independence.

But its jsut not even that. Its that he lacks so many of the values if any- that I hold so close to me.

There are so many holes with him - its not funny and I feel like I am hurting myself with low self-esteem because I know that I deserve much better and yet I dont and cannot hurt this guys feelings. He is deeply in love with me now and taking me as very serious. And its like- when the hell did this happen???

I never really wanted this or did I? I read one ebook about how to make a person fall in love with you and then this happened lol.

Really, truly it did. And I still can't get my head around it.

And it's weird because I spent almost a year ranting on here before he was my partner- ranting about how all I thought about was him and was very depressed because he would flirt with m, ask me over and then ignore me for months.. and things like that. And then his facebook page would be all pictures of model women and things - its was suggestive of that he wanted a girlfriend and it was weird - but it spurred my BDD at the time and made me upset feeling and thinking that I wasn't good enough and wasn't pretty for him and all those immature low self-esteem ego things that go on when you indulge in the opposite sex. And after all, I was coming from complete ignorance of lack of sociality with men- with an experience of an abusive one 10 years ago being the sole of my experience and that was it.

So anyway, I was having a conversation with him the other night as he was drifting to sleep. So it was kind of one-sided and not that accurate - but it just showed me his values even more of who he is as I asked the question of when he used to work (its been a year since now) - and because his dad gets his dole and controls his money- and takes out the rent and food and buys his cigarettes and then leaves him with a $20 every few days if he asks.. I asked him what happened when he got paid at work and had his cheques?

And he got paied for 4 full days work and it was just under $300 a week ( which is nothing really)- but he said that he would go and cash that each Friday and that he would take out $100 of that each week and actually spend that on narcottics (meth) every Friday...

And I was of course shocked to hear that. I know about it - and to spend that much too- I mean what an idiot. But when I asked him that if he was still working and I wasnt in the picture - would he still be doing that? And he answered 'probably' as he was drifting to sleep.

So there are just so many things about him that rattle me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am basically like a straight edge person. A straight edger (minus the punk music). I DONT ( mostly never have) drink, smoke, take drugs, drink coffee etc.. and also - everything I do I want it to be moral to my own values- (like most people I guess) - so the music I listen to usually has moral objectives to them - of some sort kinda.

I know where I stand, and I stand pretty fierce on my values - they are who I am and because of my BDD, I try to base my self esteem on them rather than my ego somehwhat (well I try to).

You know, Im Vegan and Im very into health and stuff like that. My idea of fun is going on a holiday to Equador to a raw vegan health club and things like that.

I have values regaurding money too and I want to be financially secure - its a big goal I have - and altho my anxiety and the emotional situation I am in atm makes me want to go and spend things I dont need - I do and have done so before - hardly spent a thing for a few years on purpose and basically saved so much that I was able to have a large (for someone on disability and working anyway) savings account to be proud of and feel secure about.

So I take being responsible financially and not being wasteful as one of my values too and even those things are not (like all my other values) part of his.

Its just seems that the only values that seems to have are his head of hair and that he cannot shave it otherwise he will go angry (?).... and that his Facebook is like a regligion and people cannot change their profile pictures otherwise it means that they are mocking him.. or something like that??

So I was talking to him one night about things and we got onto the subject of children and all that. He always talks about it. How when we have kids soon etc.. and when we get maried soon etc..

and its something that I feel flattered about - and compassion for how he feels - but feel completely insecure about even thinking about those things with him. And then completely stressed out because Im living not free to how I feel and become frustrated and act out in ways that do not serve me ( like impulse shopping etc).

SO we were talking about children and stuff like that. And I was at least had some relief and mentioned to him that for me to have kids with someone- that they have to be completely financially secure - secured in a job/career but also in savings ... that there is no other way I would ever have kids otherwise. To make a point.

I also said that I would never have kids with someone who smokes and does drugs either.

And that night he stepped on his ice pipe to make a point. He said he wouldnt do meth anymore. As he would do it up to a few times at most a month- usually with his guitar friend when they hang out on and pull an all nighter jamming.

I remember saying to him what about when it comes to you with your friend that likes to have it when your both jamming ? And he replied that he would jus tell him in advance and say no. And that his friend was thinking about quiting anyway.

Then a few days later he asks me if it was alright that he have on only those rare occassions with his best friend when they jam. And my response was that I knew he would say that and go back on his word , but that its his life and I didnt care.

Because I dont really. I know that he is not for me and that there are so many things about him that just would spell for me - basically that I would be living to look after him - as I am a control freak and he is a complete ignorant, lazy, self-absorbed, metally ill, dumb, man living an addicted based life.

How mean am I right now lol

God I just feel so irritated. I feel like he is a leach on me sometimes. He doenst realise that there are healthy boundaries.

He is so immature and there is no responsibilty in his life. He just is so irrisponsible and cannot go through with things, has no patience or even intellect to read something, just cares about his dilusions and ego and even though he tries to be the best boyfriend to me- he just cant see his faults and plan things - anything like that.

He is in my face all the time- I never ever get my own time to myself ever anymore - unless its at his place really in his room.
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Old 05-01-2017
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Im feeling so angry lately. The last few days. Ive got a cold and cant do much. But Im so angry with my partner. I just am seeing things in the whole negative neuro pathway more than most - Im choosing to judge more and choosing not to be blinded by trying to ignore or thinking I can change this (in a dreamer's way).

I always think I can control things.

God I cannot change a whole person. He is such an idiot. Really.

And Im just feeling so frustrated all the time and angry - esp at myself - because in order to respect myself - I shouldnt be with this idiot.

Im so not myself lately.

Im feeling so annoyed beyond annoyed and stressed.

Im just sick of it. He has no drive to get off his bum and personally develop himself. He has no money, yet feels entitled from others all the time. He seems cluesess about himself and he acts literally like a 12 year old or younger all the time and becomes a silly laughing person - but there is absolutely no security with him at all. In money, in responsiblity..etc..

This is a person that has no money- gets a bit every now and then and his parents do everything for him - he has to have his addictions- his ice coffees, cigarettes - that is where his money goes - and his parents take the rest for rent etc.

He uses tiny - (like $2) on fuel. When he has some money in his hands he wants to go out and spend it (Im talking $10-$20) in things he doesnt need at 2nd shops. Rather than, idk- spend some small change on replacing the water in his fish tanks as its gone green and low, or maybe go to paying me back over the $100 for the concert tickets at the start of the year. Or for other things.

This is a guy that wants to go out- go look in shops but has no money. That doesnt even think it through - but has no fear in feeling like he can use other's money - his sister's - mine.. and think nothing of it. He will say he sometimes that he will pay it back - but it doesnt happen.

This is a guy that decided from me last year making him do a personality test online just for the hell of it- he found out that he was a dominant personality and suited to telling others what to do and managing. So he thought that meant that he wanted to be a manager and that entitled him to it. Last year he enrolled into managers degree online- with having hardly any skills in being able to even do it. But his reasoning was that I was there to help him. He would put it off and put it off- his first module. And I would remind him and remind him- sitting there telling him and he would rather sit and look at his hundreds of same selfies and block people on face he doesnt know rather than do his work. And then right at the last minute- the last night before it was due- he wanted me to help him write a report for him.
Which - I got so stressed out at and tried to do - and had to stay up most of the night- until I got so annoyed with him- and told him that he needed to be with a teacher and hands on in a classroom and a lower course. Because I wasnt going to do it for him. It was not fair at all to me.
And that was last November.

Its like I have to tell him things are unfair because he doesnt know half the time. He thinks he is entitled to things.

He walks into my parents place and goes through the fridge and pantry when my parents are on a food budget.

That sort of thing.

But the most annoying things are his selfies and self absorbtion and thinking nothing of it - and being comfortable with living in this garage and being like a kid and talking to me about being serious and yet not even - like there is absolutely no drive at all in him to do things himself. And I know that is a schizophrenic thing in some.

God, its just the other thing is that he hijacks my time all the time. He wants to be with me ALL OF THE TIME. Almost. We basically havent really been appart for nearly a year.
I want my independence back. So when ever Im home- when ever Im at work- I know he is at home with nothing to do- no real life and the only thing he can think of is to go and see me all the time. At work he will visit each time Im there. And when Im home- I feel like I have limited time to do what ever I want. I cant start this or do that- because I know he will come in the afternoon etc.. and then he will stay over if I decide to stay at home- and I will have to entertain him somehow with my mac book or something as he gets bored at my place - or I will have to go over his place -
See if I want to do my things I jsut cant have the time. When Im at home and he then comes over and is jut behind my back all the time and waiting and waiting for me and bored- and I end up having to rush and rush - make my tea- pack my things etc..

It sux. I basically cannot live my own life. And then I get to his place and he can do what ever he likes. He has no agenda - and he just goes onto his laptop and ignores me.

And its just sooo irritating.
It stops me from my own goals. As everytime I go back to his place- altho I can do what I want- its like my own lifestyle - of the things that I want to do - they all get hyjacked and stuffed for later down the track.. and later and later... etc..

He is sufficating me.

Last week he stayed over my place. Then left in the morning- and I got ready for work. Then as I was about to have my shower- half, 40 mins later, he came back because he felt like he wanted to just shave and shower and come back. This is a guy that hardly has any money for petrol. And so- I felt rude because I had to get ready for work- he had breakfast at mine. But I felt like he was waiting for me all the time - like I had to rush. And then, as I get to work- a few hours later like he had said and always does- he visited me.

But like he had just seen me you know.

He has inner anxiety and paces alot and just is so embarressing and irritating with his frivaless and irresponsible and ignorance and odd behaviour.

My parents see it too.

But its like, I dont even agree with the way his mind works about beliefs - his beliefs.

I just hate how there is no drive in him - to sustain any goal out of just one day. There is no drive to change himself really -

you know - he cant see how low it is in his situation. He thinks he is rich because he lives on a hill in a tourist town. But he has no money and lives in a garage with his parents and is 33. He has no job, career. But calls himself a heavy metal guitarist.

...

I just feel so immature with him. He cant see outside of any ideas in what to do daily- other than what he does every week. If he wants to go out- its doing the same thing, going the same places all the time. Going to all the thrift shops and looking in other shops - doing nothing really - and having no money to do anything or buy anything anyway.

Its different to me. I like to spend most of my time trying to acheive my goals. I dont want to walk around wasting time all the time.

There is something that feels so morally wrong with it. It makes me feel like im stooping to his level. Just doing nothing. It makes me feel insecure and like an unrespected person in the comunity or something.

Idk- Im just irritated and need to rant.
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Old 05-02-2017
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So okay. Ive been just annoyed and stressed out and allowed myself to go throught it.

Last night I had a talk with him. And told him a bit of my frustrations again. But then he tells me that I am an amazing person- and that there is prob no one like me in the world lol .. which I didnt want to get my ego out into that - but it was flattering.

I told him that I need to live a purpose driven life - akin to my values and my goals basically. And that I just can't go around - wander around and look for things to buy, hang out and just go on the internet unproductively etc.. I need to be doing things- achieving things. I've spent a long time doing those sort of things in the past and its only until a few years ago that I started to get the courage to break through my fears and bad habits, being persistant and believing in myself and taking responsibility, recognising what I wanted and how to get it etc.. and Im still in learning about that- as it always changes -

But eating badly, sitting all the time, never having time for myself over his stuff (when he hasnt even planned anything). Wandering around with no plan, being lazy and not really caring about responsibilities, half doing things, having no motivation...

I seriously dont want any of that to rub off on me- Ive worked so hard to develop myself out of anything like that- and I was never really like that anyway really. But when I am using my time just to please him because he wants me around - over my own responsibilities..
it sux.

Its always him waiting for me - behind my back at my place- I have to rush- its like he just wants me at his place- and when Im there- Im so bored and in his world and just sitting there looking at his back on the computer. Waisting my time when I could have been doing what I needed and wanted to do instead.

That sort of thing. And Ive spoken to him before about it.

He is one of those types of people though, that doesnt really take what people say to him- just kind of hears what he wants and doesnt have the concentration to read or listen intellectually etc..

Argghh- its just I know where I stand- but Im not ready to pull out yet. He doesnt know that I feel uncommitted to him really. But at this stage Im just on the fence and taking things - well trying to take things slow and trying to get back to my world- my life and not always be in his.
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Old 05-07-2017
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so i need to rant again. I just cant be a friend to people much atm. I feel too much in my own issues and given and continue to give myself away that its just time to take stock ` try to etc.

Im in such a stupid relationship. And the wosrt thing is that I know it too. I am not happy at all and just its really getting on my nerves. Him.

I know that I am responsible for what I do in my life and I know that what pathway I tend to think and believe in - becomes my reality-.. and lately these have been negative things- ive been seeing and then looking for.

But to be in a relationship with someone that acts 24/7 like a 12 year old with no responsibilities - no real appreciation.. what i mean is he is and I hate to say it but... quite very dumb and delusioned and cannot seem to do anything of anything (maybe etc play guitar every now and then).

So I am silly enough to buy him- go well out of my way ( fully knowing that this would cause me to feel like he owes me more and more in a passive aggressive way/ cant think of the word?)
But yeah- he basically cannot afford anything. And he had been going around with this cheapo phone that lately he had cracked and wasnt working well anymore. And I thought that I would look up and get him a second hand but iphone or something. Seeing he takes lots of selfies and lots of videos of himself.
He has never had a proper brand phone before I dont think.

So anyway- $249 for a black 5s Iphone 32gb. Not bad. But still its alot to pay for - for a present for him- considering the most he pays on me is a a few dollars for some kids toy or a little cheapo gem - both of which I dont really even want. But anyway. I guess my thinking and behaving has been in ways to counteract my disappointment and frustration and annoyance.

I gave his phone yesterday. And he isnt really interested in it.
I just hate it. I do so much for him- he does not deserve me at all and yet- he just most of the time - all of the time really- preffers to just be lazy and think of himself.

Like the other day. At my work. Most times of the week I cannot get away from him. Despite me telling him I need my space to be able to to my own things. But he cannot stick to a routiene or have any little amount of goals for himself- his own life.

Everytime I have tried to do my own thing he is always deciding he wants to come over instead or ringing up and asking me how long I will be- or just lurking around me waiting.

And then I just go to his house to make it easier. So he will leave me alone. Because that is what he does. As soon as I have dropped all my things and sitting at his place - he leaves me alone.

I end up compensating for things - by eating junk foods again and buying things for him all the time.

ITs a co-dependence.

and it sux.

And as I saying - last week- he had to come and visit me at work like always. Nearly everytime he comes he asks me for some change so he could get this or that at my shop.
He hardly ever has petrol and in his mind its like he has come to see me so he needs to be rewarded or something idk. Everything always comes down to me having to give to him and him never giving to me- not even talking about financially here either.

So I asked him when he was at my work if he could help move this light weight cupboard into my work place area - as I needed someone to help me do that - Id spent all morning cleaning out my work room in order to have this cupboard my boss had put there for me. We were short staffed and I just wanted him to help me - and he thinks about it and says no.

Just like that.

And he does these things all the time. H ejust cant be bothered and I have to bother 100 percent of the time.

Like his fish that were swimming in green slime in thier tank. I said that he needs to buy water and clean that tank or they will die. And time after time- him just saying that he 'needed' to do that seemed suffice to him than not actually doing it.

Then weeks go by- times when he had money in his hand- (he only needs $14 to do it) and gone all excited to go to 2nd shops and spend on things he doesnt need. Crap stuff. Rather than do these things.

So I get so annoyed- and just buy his water for him the other day. I surprise him and place the boxes of water in front of his door.

And he says- whats this for?

I mean come on??!!!

Anyway his 2nd response was 'Im not doing that now..'

So I went home that night. I went out of my way once again like I do each day for him - for stupid reasons (not dealt with yet) and he just is lazy brained dumbo.

Even to get fish food- Ive had to remind him- he cant even manage that.

So of course it annoys me that he isnt using his new phone yet.

And last night I had to make him do his fish tank so that he could open his present early.

And he gives me the glass tank and tells me to clean it. Whilst he does his fish.

And when he came to my place yesterday- like he does most times- he just goes into my parents freezer and takes an icecream on a stick ( the $ ones) that is a delacacy for my pensioned parents whom are on a budget.

And its like - this self- entitilment thing -..??!!

Anyway - the other thing is that when he was on facebook ( he has quit again - he does this every few weeks or so- he thinks people are mocking him with their fb profile pictures and he feels aggressive and spends his days looking up people - even random people and blocking them) .. so anyway- when he was on FB -I would send him things- links to things - write to him - draw pictures etc..

And he just didnt - wouldnt even bother to look really. Most times. And when I would write serious stuff on there. He never even respected it enough to read it really.

He would just say he didnt read it - didnt want to. Like its girl stuff or something.

SO I have my values and everything. I have things that doesnt connect with him. He is so immature it drives me mad.

He has nothing in his life. He does his guitar and thats it. He doesnt work, doesnt look for work, doesnt have any goals...

Doesnt even know how to be happy in himself and achieve things he may want.

I dont know how to tell him what I think without offending him. But I feel like I just need to let him know.

YEt his bday is coming up in a week.

Im not ready to break up with him. Yet.

But I am ready to push my boundaries and my values onto him more.
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Old 05-07-2017
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So the thing is - that this is not going to go away though. As much as I want it to. But its affecting my own health - because I'm going back to old food addictions (different foods but/) something that took me ages to really get a hold and recover from.

And the reason is that I want to escape to these foods that will give me short term pleasure for the moment - rather than actually going and confronting my problems.

In my heart and my mind/ my soul - I know that I feel like I have to voice my feelings. I need to let them out and tell that particular person (rugs) how I feel.

That I want to really yell my values and tell him that these things like I wrote in my previous entry- but that I have to be careful in how I say things - the last thing I would want to do is make someone hopelessly believe negatively about themselves because I've labelled them. I mean that's what happens and that is what happened to me in my past too.

To feel so let down all the time and so embarrassed and feel like your hanging out with a boy rather than a man- it feels like a chore and beyond immature. I mean it would be fine if he could balance it with a responsible side - but there is none.

I mean traditionally - I woman likes to look for a man- well okay in my case anyway- a man with some type of security - that they can say look- im going to provide for you and we can have a family .. etc..

not that I want a family with him ( he doesnt even know that) - he assumes that I aggree with him- that I want a family with him- but I dont. To be brutally honest - it makes me cringe to even think about having a child with him because when I look at him closely I realise that he is actually kinda disabled anyway- intellectually that is. He has a lower bottom lip that sticks out all the time- everytime he does something physically and mentally at the same time (like going to tickle me or tickle the dog etc..) he has to stick his toungue out and even when (lol) I tell him that his toungue is sticking out- he cannot 'not' have it sticking out in order to do those things. Also he walks with his palms facing backwards.
These are signs of slight mental retardation - and that he cannot even have the patience to read things etc.
He has this leg or legs thing he does all the time where he has to tap/wobble them all the time so loudly and even on the couch - if you're sitting with him- he wobbles the whole couch and not even knows that.

Its partly a genetic thing- where he has had learning difficulties and schizophrenia without it being diagnosed maybe when he was young and it's also a big part of his brain that has likely shrunk from huge doses of marijuana in his past and then regular meth/ice use also fom then and still even . (what an idiot!).



I just feel so annoyed and angry at him right now. If I think back and I realise the things that I allowed him to do. Like the time last year when he wanted me to drive him to this corner road and wait for his so called drug friend to come along so he could give him something like $80 of his money (and some he borrowed from his sister) in order to get some meth.
Something that is unknown culture to me and something I would never partake in and seriously am fully against to the point where I was severely angry about it. As it was going against everything I stand for.

He didnt do that much after that. But he still cannot see the dangers in it.

I hate it.

Then there was the smoking in my car at first. I mean what??

And he still owes me $100 for the Xavier Rudd concert. I only asked him to be pollite- I wouldnt of minded going on my own. But he only came to make me happy- yet I havent and prob never will see that $100 back.

He cant.

Thats him.


God- I just want to voice him my frustrations because I know I will feel so much better.

I mean, Im the one doing so much all the time.

He just doesnt give much. And doesnt know how to and is not all there to be able to anyway.
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Old 05-08-2017
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How did he get the nickname "rugs"? It's an interesting nickname.
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Old 05-08-2017
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Haha- well I did that. I dont know why?

I think I am going to delete some of my rantings. I went to the dark side and let them out. Something that I needed to do and read them after.

Im targeting him unfairly because he is not what I want. And I'm playing a victim. I think pretty much that when Im on a role - like most women that I have known- we just keep adding to pile- actively looking for more things to complain about and seek out.

I know what he is like more than ever now. And I know that he isnt really for me. But atm I am actually putting my foot down and asserting my boundaries. I mean I am home tonight, and last night and was at home the last few days.
Ive told him I wanted my space- I even took his bed out from my room (it was joined to mine) so he could stay over- but being such a small room- it stopped me from using my xtrainer and just having room to workout and all that. Ive told him that I want to do my cooking and my juicing and I need to be home for that. And its something that I have kept saying no to in order for him instead and his company etc.

So Im getting there. ITs so easy to loose yourself in a relationship. Im happy that I can recognise it now and actually turn it around.

I have felt so numb and exausted since this time last year. There have been steep learning curbs. I can see why I entered this realationship. Because Id never really been in one before except an abusive - not good enough to be my girlfriend.. type of one in the past and before that highschool a few.

And combine that with low self esteem and always thinking that no guy would ever even think of me in that way. And there you have it.

I have learnt and gained positive things from this. I just wish that he was a well man- and healthy and had healthy habits and was more into that way. But he is not. And its wrong to change someone. It jsut makes me really sad because he has his heart set on me. He wants to settle with me. Yet he lacks even sanity Im afraid and finds it very hard with responsibilites and so many other things. It can get very intense.

Not to mention the lack of healthy boundaries too.

So atm I'm just hanging more at home- having my own time to get back to my self-care and my journaling and finding out a plan of where I independently want to go- whilst keeping this relationship- yet dropping the codependency and working on myself.

Putting myself first. Finding myself again and saying no to him more and more.

He needs to find his own life and not rely on me for one. That is not a wrong thing to admit. Even in the heart of a relationship- there must be single lives too. Otherwise its just toxic and your not even being yourself with your own world.
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Old 05-10-2017
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
How did he get the nickname "rugs"? It's an interesting nickname. :question :
Is it "the drug rug is also know as a baja sweater and closely resembles a woven carpet (hence the term "rug"). it commonly smells of marijuana, incense and body odor"

Or is it "Half redneck, half thug"

Or is it (a sexually explicit term, for somebody who partakes orally in a woman's down-below parts - that's all i'm saying! hehe)

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Old 05-15-2017
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Or is it (a sexually explicit term, for somebody who partakes orally in a woman's down-below parts - that's all i'm saying! hehe)

I believe the accepted term these days is Carpet Shark. This can also work for literal Carpet Sharks and Wobblegongs lmbo.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpet_shark
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