Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 2 Weeks Ago
lifesnotfair's Avatar
Intermediate User
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 272
Thanked 0 Times
lifesnotfair lifesnotfair is offline
Intermediate User
lifesnotfair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 272
Thanked 0 Times
Ever since a child, i have never been able to connect with people, or make eye contact with others. Its been a very difficult obsticle to deal with. In high school, I was always considered a geek or a nerd or someone who was made fun of by everyone, especially women. Whenever i tried to make an effort and step out of my boundaries to talk to a girl, she would shoot me down, and humiliate me. On top of it all, i have huge anxiety and depression issues on top of that. I have an understanding on why I was never successful with women. But why me though? I want affection just like everyone else, but why is it so difficult for me to make contact or date. Being as now i am 36 and never had a girlfriend, or even know how to interact with women like that because of the past. How does one get over it? Am i a writeoff? I am so socially awkward now that part of me wants to be with someone, but the other half doesn't want anything to do with society especially a relationship. I know its a contradiction, but in all my experiences its been disasters. But i don't want to lose hope either. Any thoughts or suggestions?
lifesnotfair is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 2 Weeks Ago
Newbie User
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Thanked 0 Times
franmendizabal franmendizabal is offline
Newbie User
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Thanked 0 Times
I highly recommend learning to meditate. It solved my social anxiety. It might be hard to see the relationship, but you become able to relax by yourself. And in social interactions this is key. Just do it consistently. You can take a class online (hackself.org) or in person (tm.org). I do it for 10 mins a day, and cannot recognize my old shy self haha.
franmendizabal is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 2 Weeks Ago
lifesnotfair's Avatar
Intermediate User
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 272
Thanked 0 Times
lifesnotfair lifesnotfair is offline
Intermediate User
lifesnotfair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 272
Thanked 0 Times
I have, mediation hasn't worked great. My mind keeps racing..
lifesnotfair is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 2 Weeks Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
theslowesthand theslowesthand is offline
Elite User
theslowesthand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifesnotfair View Post
Ever since a child, i have never been able to connect with people, or make eye contact with others. Its been a very difficult obsticle to deal with. In high school, I was always considered a geek or a nerd or someone who was made fun of by everyone, especially women. Whenever i tried to make an effort and step out of my boundaries to talk to a girl, she would shoot me down, and humiliate me. On top of it all, i have huge anxiety and depression issues on top of that. I have an understanding on why I was never successful with women. But why me though? I want affection just like everyone else, but why is it so difficult for me to make contact or date. Being as now i am 36 and never had a girlfriend, or even know how to interact with women like that because of the past. How does one get over it? Am i a writeoff? I am so socially awkward now that part of me wants to be with someone, but the other half doesn't want anything to do with society especially a relationship. I know its a contradiction, but in all my experiences its been disasters. But i don't want to lose hope either. Any thoughts or suggestions?
That's pretty much been exactly my life what you said. The only difference is i'm 10 years older than you.

Sounds like you have Aspergers, which i think i have. Or it could be just social anxiety.

Flirting & reading signs from women seem to be getting easier for me, although i'm too slow & insecure to take things further.

Last edited by theslowesthand; 2 Weeks Ago at 04:22 AM.
theslowesthand is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
FountainandFairfax's Avatar
I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
Elite User
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: 1993
Posts: 3,345
Thanked 386 Times
FountainandFairfax FountainandFairfax is offline
I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
Elite User
FountainandFairfax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: 1993
Posts: 3,345
Thanked 386 Times
I can't talk to strangers, period, so by default that just includes women.

Years ago when I was seeing a therapist, I dated and even moved in with a girl, though.

Maybe if you get help with one it'll also fix the other.
__________________
Last of the V8 Introverts
†
FountainandFairfax is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
You're not alone. (I don't like that 'You are not alone' slogan taken away from the title of socialphobiaworld.com) I have trouble w/ eye contact but I prayed to God that he'll lead me the right direction for my social anxiety/phobia to go away. good luck!

Last edited by lily; 1 Week Ago at 11:34 PM.
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
theslowesthand theslowesthand is offline
Elite User
theslowesthand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by lily View Post
You're not alone. (I don't like that 'You are not alone' slogan taken away from the title of socialphobiaworld.com)
Cilyjinxed, there is a simple solution for that -> revert to (in your profile settings) the "old style" of theme/skin.
theslowesthand is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
Ransfordrowe's Avatar
Newbie User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: London,England
Posts: 65
Thanked 21 Times
Ransfordrowe Ransfordrowe is offline
Newbie User
Ransfordrowe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: London,England
Posts: 65
Thanked 21 Times
Hi.I guess you could try dating some one who has anxiety issues too.I think there are websites that allows people with issues like depression,anxiety to meet up for dates etc.

Some people put women on a pedestal and making out to be almost mythical creatures.Women are just people with strengths and weaknesses like men.Worries,fears etc

I'm able to speak to women by seeing them as a person who maybe interesting to speak to.I don't wrap up my self worth in what women think of me.Im anxious by nature and have only had a couple of relationships and only with a lot of hard work so I'm no dating expert.But in my experience most women will not try to humiliate you if you treat them with respect.If they are not interested in dating then they will tell you without trying to hurt you.

It's important to not just see women as potential partners but also as people who you can be friends with.

Last edited by Ransfordrowe; 1 Week Ago at 09:05 PM.
Ransfordrowe is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Ransfordrowe For This Useful Post:
theslowesthand (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
Bronson99's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 740
Thanked 73 Times
Bronson99 Bronson99 is offline
Expert User
Bronson99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 740
Thanked 73 Times
For the OP, it sounds like you have mild autism, maybe?

What you write describes the problem of many autistic guys, very well... the desire is there, but the ability to acquire what you seek is delayed and terribly broken.

IMO, the problem you have is not the same faced by socially anxious men without autism; in which case the ability is there, it's just an extra hurdle to go through, to get over "painful shyness."

A difficulty with functionality, characterized by serious difficulty with work, independence, and/or social fluency, points to a developmental disorder rather than SA alone. It's when you have all these things together, the complexity of the situation becomes quite profound. (Understood this way, you can see why relationships/romance are so lacking with autistic men; they're screwed every which way.)

You have 2 ways to look at this. It seems MOST autistic men end up with self-loathing and painful insecurity about themselves. This is of course a "logical" result from comparing yourself to others, as well as societal standards for what a "man should be." The problem if you remain this way--always feeling inferior, hating yourself--you will repel everyone including women.

The other way is to stop thinking about "society's standards", stop comparing yourself, and most importantly learn to like yourself. Do NOT apologize for who you are. I've had some autistic men--even guys in their 30s who barely work, have a huge range of difficulties--tell me that THIS change in mindset was the most important thing. They were able to have relations with women just by improving their confidence and developing emotional intelligence. It's much easier said than done, of course.

Concluding, I'm basically "low functioning Asperger's" and have a choice to hate myself because I have "nothing that society says I should have, and no reliable ability to get it" for the rest of my life. Or I could try to improve my emotional outlook, which may be more important than "measuring up." If you can learn to socialize adequately and make women laugh, they're not going to screen you for job/money/social network first. You have a chance if you can do just those things.
Bronson99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
PeterO's Avatar
Newbie User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Washington, D.C., USA
Posts: 32
Thanked 8 Times
PeterO PeterO is offline
Newbie User
PeterO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Washington, D.C., USA
Posts: 32
Thanked 8 Times
I find it much easier to establish relationships online. (Even with the person I ended up marrying -- we met in person but then interacted entirely via email for like six months because we lived in different places, so that's how we got to know each other.) You seem thoughtful and fairly erudite, so perhaps you can "meet" women through online communities? Not dating sites per se, but forums similar to this, and see if anything grows?
PeterO is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to PeterO For This Useful Post:
FountainandFairfax (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bronson99 View Post
For the OP, it sounds like you have mild autism, maybe?

What you write describes the problem of many autistic guys, very well... the desire is there, but the ability to acquire what you seek is delayed and terribly broken.

IMO, the problem you have is not the same faced by socially anxious men without autism; in which case the ability is there, it's just an extra hurdle to go through, to get over "painful shyness."

A difficulty with functionality, characterized by serious difficulty with work, independence, and/or social fluency, points to a developmental disorder rather than SA alone. It's when you have all these things together, the complexity of the situation becomes quite profound. (Understood this way, you can see why relationships/romance are so lacking with autistic men; they're screwed every which way.)

You have 2 ways to look at this. It seems MOST autistic men end up with self-loathing and painful insecurity about themselves. This is of course a "logical" result from comparing yourself to others, as well as societal standards for what a "man should be." The problem if you remain this way--always feeling inferior, hating yourself--you will repel everyone including women.

The other way is to stop thinking about "society's standards", stop comparing yourself, and most importantly learn to like yourself. Do NOT apologize for who you are. I've had some autistic men--even guys in their 30s who barely work, have a huge range of difficulties--tell me that THIS change in mindset was the most important thing. They were able to have relations with women just by improving their confidence and developing emotional intelligence. It's much easier said than done, of course.

Concluding, I'm basically "low functioning Asperger's" and have a choice to hate myself because I have "nothing that society says I should have, and no reliable ability to get it" for the rest of my life. Or I could try to improve my emotional outlook, which may be more important than "measuring up." If you can learn to socialize adequately and make women laugh, they're not going to screen you for job/money/social network first. You have a chance if you can do just those things.
It's not always true that in a relationship you cannot tell a woman that you're inconfident if they like you. If they're nice, you're able to share your insecurities together.

Last edited by lily; 1 Week Ago at 05:16 AM.
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
PugofCrydee's Avatar
Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
Elite User
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: on the edge of the abyss
Posts: 2,217
Thanked 270 Times
PugofCrydee PugofCrydee is offline
Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see.
Elite User
PugofCrydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: on the edge of the abyss
Posts: 2,217
Thanked 270 Times
I've tried to connect to women before. I've been told they have a USB port somewhere...
PugofCrydee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
Kiwong's Avatar
Elite User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: falling for life wave after wave and never saying goodbye
Posts: 7,555
Thanked 346 Times
Kiwong Kiwong is offline
Elite User
Kiwong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: falling for life wave after wave and never saying goodbye
Posts: 7,555
Thanked 346 Times
Perhaps you are trying to connect with the wrong women for the wrong reasons. I think most women are kind. The trouble is with women may find anxious behaviour unsettling and without good body language it is eası to push people away..
__________________
In my dreams nothing holds me down, there is only out and away. I wish I could die and be reborn as a bird. William Wharton Birdy
Kiwong is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
theslowesthand theslowesthand is offline
Elite User
theslowesthand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
I've tried to connect to women before. I've been told they have a USB port somewhere...


.......
theslowesthand is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
like lifesnotfair, I too want to be able to look people in the eyes and not have trouble or anxiety b/c of it. I find it wierd that bullying like arrogent/snobby people at a school and me not expressing myself fully then and was devastated can cause such a condition as not being able to do eye contact. If that wasn't there, I can work and get things I want and have friends.
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
How could all girls shoot you down and humiliate you, it's just the ones who you've spoken to like you've said so you're not a writeoff.
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
Bronson99's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 740
Thanked 73 Times
Bronson99 Bronson99 is offline
Expert User
Bronson99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 740
Thanked 73 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by lily View Post
It's not always true that in a relationship you cannot tell a woman that you're inconfident if they like you. If they're nice, you're able to share your insecurities together.
I agree this could be true sometimes. Sometimes a man can be insecure or lack confidence and still have relationships.

The problem however is compounded when you have trouble with functionality, if you "lag behind" in life and/or have some kind of disability. I assume the OP is in that position--I am, also. So, in such a case, you need to learn ways to deflect the "low status" problem. One of the best ways to do that is learn to accept oneself, learn to be more confident. Some women can look past "low-status" or disability if the guy seems balanced and fun to be around.

Anyway, I could go on with this a bit more, but I'm afraid that would get into more cynical territory. Trying to keep it "more positive" tonight.
Bronson99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Bronson99 For This Useful Post:
FountainandFairfax (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
I like nice guys. Ok so you're saying you're boring. it's about having similar interests! it's also about being mentally/emotionally connected. Ok I'd like to admit there'a more to it than that. I like mature guys. Ok there I said it but that's just my preference.

Last edited by lily; 1 Week Ago at 07:06 AM.
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
theslowesthand theslowesthand is offline
Elite User
theslowesthand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 3,349
Thanked 338 Times
Quote:
Originally Posted by lily View Post
Ok there I said it but that's just my preference
So it's not a deal-breaker then, just a preference?
Mature in what way? Emotionally? Socially? Physically? All 3? Other?
theslowesthand is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 1 Week Ago
lily's Avatar
Expert User
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
lily lily is offline
Expert User
lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 836
Thanked 114 Times
physically/emotionally
lily is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I need to connect clarissa87 Depression Forum 0 02-24-2015 05:39 AM
I can't connect with anyone Gieky Social Anxiety Forum 18 03-08-2014 07:04 PM
Connect 5 :) Little Miss Muffet Off-Topic 3 05-10-2012 09:31 AM
I can't Connect. Tulicks Social Anxiety Forum 12 04-09-2012 09:30 PM
Why can't I connect! Solar Anxiety Forum 11 11-01-2010 01:30 AM

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:05 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.10
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
 
Contact Us Privacy