EscapeArtist

2.I paid around $500 for one way on Hawaiian Airlines. Aww, Hilo! (lol, fond memories). I completely recall how I felt during the drive from Hilo to Cinderland as if it was yesterday. I'm excited all over again. My words are able to brighten your day and bring smiles to your face? I really didn't know that was in my arsenal, but maybe I'll just have to shoot those arrows towards you more often . I realize how much that could mean for someone like you and knowing exactly why (your trials and tribulations) pains me because it's not what you deserve. For instance, I can't comprehend why you live this way... yet, look at me. To endure a life that hardly differs from a prisoners requires great strength and courage, so if nothing else, at least we have that under our belt. Because of what you've said to me, maybe I'll give this 'smile before falling asleep' thing a try . My cheeks are already starting to become sore and my dog must be complaining of the shine from my pearly-whites, lol.

1.Yep, dead serious. There's really no need to feel guilty about it because I'd be delighted to return and could use another voyage. Don't view it as me having to chaperone you. You and I face the same trouble, so it'd be an even deal. Believe me, it's not as if I have better things to do and my calendar is looking rather naked. Actually, to be honest, I thought you were going to be frightened by that proposal lol.
I have this habit of not reading messages as soon as I receive them because I'm afraid of how people might respond (and I just persistently expect the worst). I also have a tendency to shy away from connection and I often feel embarrassed about what I say because what I say has no value and I don't matter, or so I think. Eventually, I muster the courage to read a few lines, then all of it later on. Weird. I feel terrible for not replying to you quickly enough, but it's probably something you don't even consider.

3.Haha, yes, although I'm depriving the world of me, the more for you! So be grateful!

I think you write really well, actually. In fact, I shutter to think about my writing when I was a teenager. When I was in high school, a teacher once told me that I was her favorite writer, but ask me if I believed it! In the hospital, we had to do a writing exercise that involved creating a random story of your choice in 10 minutes. I've never really done well with order, rule or structure, so I wasn't able to produce my best. This other guy wrote a masterpiece, in my opinion, and my paper found a new home in the trash can. Writing can really bully you and it's a constant battle between yourself and the pen. To somehow mesh thought and letter seems simple, but it can be an arduous task, even for the most talented.

2.I'm privileged to be one of the few who actually take an interest in you. Since it's such a rare occurrence, perhaps it's that much more meaningful or special. Because I live life like a turtle in my shell, I don't take these moments of connection for granted. I've got to tell you, speaking to you has been so rewarding.
It's hard to believe that people don't take more of an interest in you because you seem to be such a wonderful person with so many lonely aspirations waiting for your company, but I know the nature of social anxiety robs us of those opportunities to give and receive and to display what we have to offer. As you were saying, the same goes for me. What we go through is a real crime and nothing is ever brought to justice.

1.No problem! I'm pleased that I could point you in the right direction and help you discover what you're actually looking for . Sounds like a perfect fit for you! Yes, those difficulties lessen and eventually you're just caught in the untamed nature and bliss that personal liberty brings. That sense of finally belonging, with a tribe of kind folks with similar ideals, really does wonders for the soul. You feel so invited, for once, instead of being excluded from everything as usual. Please, I know it's hard, but don't allow your condition to hamper your chances to roam. How many regrets would one have? I've thought about returning to that village one day... if it would make the trip less intimidating for you, count me in for another go! Best thing of all, it's quite gentle on the wallet.

This is a result of your mom reacting so harshly towards you? According to her, it sounds like emotions are forbidden or unacceptable.

3.I never share my writing. I've barely even done so with people who I've been close to in the past. I'm ashamed of my writing and I doubt my writing - a product of not having any confidence in yourself. That's so nice of you, being interested in my writing and already believing that it's uniquely intriguing. I'd like to think my writing is unique... I'm always comparing it to others in a paranoid fashion.
I know exactly what you mean about not being able to show emotions in front of others. I read that you smile when talking about something sad and you laugh when you should be crying? I'm the same way. It's my mask, and I also don't want to burden others with what I feel and think or show others my true self because I think there's a sense of security in keeping everything to yourself - sharing and revealing makes you vulnerable. It's my defense, but I'm also hurting myself and lying to myself in the process.

2.Since it's community-based, having to rely somewhat on others isn't always easy, but I think that's minor. Overall, it's an experience that will change your life and it's something you will never forget. The smells, the sights, the people, the sounds of wildlife all around you. I remember being able to walk to fruit farms in the morning, sitting there in the grass, under the Hawaiian sun and having a free feast. Beats the hell out of city life!

1.The eco-village is called Cinderland. They have a nice website you can check out. Last time I was there, I only had to pay $100 a month and it went directly to the upkeep of the village. The primary difficulty probably had to do with my social anxiety, since you're living in close proximity, as a family, with others and I'm obviously not accustomed to living my life alongside anyone else. Another challenge was the loneliness that came with traveling alone. Despite being there with others, I didn't actually know these people and had no true companion. Of course, with moving in general, there's that uncomfortable adjustment period. Then, having to go to the bathroom outside (in the outhouse thing) was weird, lol. Having to sleep outside with the sounds of little animals around your bunk was startling, at first. Not having the complete availability of stores or normal goods was challenging (this camp is secluded from main roads and towns, which is also nice).

Thanks for the support. It is understanding people like you that make it possible for me to continue on.

hey i didn't know you have BDD

I've found this site to be useful, maybe it can help you. They have lessons for beginners. YouTube - yogatic's Channel

It's funny you say that because I lived in an eco-commune in Hawaii. I lived with a small community of about 30 random people in the middle of a jungle and we slept under large tents. Although I was without the usual luxuries of modern times, it felt so liberating to live so primitively, so freely and ruggedly. I definitely wasn't prepared for the drastic change in lifestyle, but it was such a unique experience once I found myself adjusted. I also liked the fact that I was treading lightly on earth and doing my part to ensure a better future for the planet. It's such an eye-opening experience - I think you'd love it.
I've also had ideas of living in a trailer somewhere in the middle of nowhere. With the way my life has been, I don't think I require much.
The school is Camosun College, there in BC. Do you know it? Perhaps writing, or at least something artistic.
Thanks for being interested in my writing . Yes, this is a phobia website, so I'll entertain the idea of sharing, lol.

Hey, don't know if you tried to reply. I was banned. ::

Oops didn't see this message till now . lol thanks, never thought of my eyebrows as dedicated but tis all good lol

2.I know what you mean about loving nature but not having enough of it. I hate living in a big city. I often just look at places online (google street view for foreign countries is my savior, I recommend it ) or place myself in pictures. It's always, "One day, one day, one day.." but I've been saying that for years. There's a nearby lake that I go to every few months, but that's it. Do you have an interest in camping and the whole nine yards? Doing more yoga IN nature, ha, perfect combo. Yeah, I just do it at home for now.
Do you have any alternative options for finishing high school? It seems like there should be different things available to you because of your condition. SP got in the way of my studies, too. I stopped going like you and then dropped out. There's this college in your country that I'd really like to attend.

Sorry for how long this got, lol. And bring back that cute avatar picture.

1.I'm sure you could be capable of writing something. It doesn't have to be profound. You determine its worth and it's not necessarily done to impress others, but instead you define the relationship that you have with writing and what it can do for you. It's all just personal, unless you choose otherwise. I read that a key to conquering writers block is to lower expectations, to just start anywhere... but, I know our perfectionism gets in the way. I'm constantly doubting everyything I write -- you don't know how many poems I've sent to the trash. Maybe just start small by keeping a little journal?

I bought an acoustic guitar two years ago but it only collects dust, ha. I pick it up to practice, I hit difficulty (of course, that's expected) and then like you say, the ambition is scared away. I've been writing a lot, as I usually do. Now I'm learning how to make house and trance music on my computer, so we'll see how that goes. I've also been trying to find a release through exercise, so I've been doing yoga and other things. Maybe you can begin with talking walks instead of suddenly running, just to familiarize yourself. I need to begin attending this program that could help me get my life back on track, but I've been having cold feet about it. Do you often visit nature to clear your head? I love nature, too. Have your grades declined because of social anxiety?

Sounds like you really missed out with that Olympics stuff... bummer! Just kidding. I know how that is; SA has robbed me of so many different things I wanted to partake in and consequently I don't have a life. So, you like sports then? What about hockey, eh?
You really idolize me? Thanks, that means so much. Or maybe that was an exaggeration. I've never had anyone tell me that before and I often feel invisible. Now that I've been released, I guess we'll see if I've learned anything. I'm nervous everyday, you know, as if I have to perform. It's hard for me to explain why I have SA, but I really think the high standards and perfectionism has a lot to do with it.
Guitar? That's great. What type of music are you interested in doing? I expect a CD to be on the shelves one day!

Well, I recently checked myself into a psych hospital and now I'm a crisis house, so I've gone beyond my comfort zone. As for being released in two days, my expectations are very high and a lot will be asked of me, so it's basically a sink or swim thing now. I need to just... make myself available to life and just live, if that makes sense. I haven't had homework in years, but I remember what a pain it was... especially if you have no confidence in yourself. Why do you fear homework and running?
Stupid question, but, did you go to the Olympics?