I suck at life, relationships, and friendship.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:

Hi Jason. I have felt the same and done the same many times. You do sound more avoidant than socially anxious, but I practice both, myself. My desire to run away and avoid often strikes me as especially irrational when things seem to be going well.

All I can say is that I sympathize with you, and I read all that you wrote twice.

From my favorite blog--she seems to have SA &/or avpd as well as depression.

Hyperbole and a Half

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Well, if you really wanted to make a change, you could..
You have a job and live internationally.. I'd say you're much better off than many on this forum and elsewhere online or in RL.. So, just to get a perspective. Some might even envy you your easy contact with girls and easygoing lifestyle..

What are the things holding you back? If you meet a great girl, does she become a bother/expects too much/you fear she might expect too much (while you'd be off to USA or to another countrry worldwide? yeah a soldier's life can be unpredictable..) Or do you just fear you might meet someone better and more attractive/more compatible?

Do you go for too talkative/too annoying girls? Or fall for them too quickly/go into a relationship too quickly before getting to know them better to see if they're at all compatible? Or do you present a 'fake personality' with them and fear they might not like the real you? Do you think you have to be 'always cheerful' when with other people? (Just asking cause these are some of the things I or some others may have had problems with and sometimes things just seemed too complicated and staying in would be the least of a bother )

If your job includes a lot of people contact, you may need some solitude on that ground alone.. (I did when doing stuff involving a lot of people..)
Some people also naturally need more soliitude.. so hooking up with girls in clubs when drunk and at your most talkative may not be the best idea to meet a nice introverted girl who'd give you space? hmm?

Also beware of falling into the alcoholism trap. It can make you suicidal too. As someone with relatives who have had problems with alcohol (it's our national sport here anyway! /sigh/), please be careful..
A soldier's life can be stressful too.. And you may be in contact with some iffy chemicals or substances.. So it may be important to balance it with other things..

Know that next year, your life may be totally different.. It's not just 'staying in' or 'wild partying'.. maybe you just need to meet other people interested in other, more interesting things.. join an organisation or society or non-profit, don't know.. What are your interests outside of work or have been? What have you wanted to do when you were little? MAybe you can take it up as a hobby or something? (And meet people interested in these other things that you may have much more in common with!)

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sounds to me like you lost all confidence in yourself. You flake out last minute because of self esteem issues. I was the exact same way and I'd want to flake out and make excuses for not wanting to go to a party or occasion because of self esteem issues, but I eventually forced myself to go and at the end of the night, I was so glad I did go and this problem did actually get better.

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Brooklynn said:

I am sorry to hear that. It seems like while more guys think about cheating, more girls actually do the cheating nowadays. It's like this with me. When I fall head over heels with a man, He's all I think about. I can't stand thinking about sleeping with someone else. Thinking about sleeping with someone else makes me sick to my stomach other than the guy I fell in love with. I wish it was like that with everybody. After I broke up with the guy I fell in love with that cheated on me, I could not think about another guy for like a year and a half after we broke up. I went out and made out with this other guy and I couldn't do it anymore cause I was still so in love with that guy.

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Regardless of what people may say... I suggest you fall in love with your self....Loving your self is the key....I hate myself........ However I am learning to love myself....I think this is the key...... Loving yourself..... Do it modestly.... I will kick you off by saying this Jason.... You are special buddy...

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I have a great girl (been seeing her about 3 weeks) calling me and I keep ignoring her calls. I could go out and have a great weekend partying and traveling, but I know I will probably shut everyone out and spend the entire weekend alone. In fact, I'm getting ready to go out and fire up the grill with some music and beers and spend the evening alone...

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Feathers said:

fiftw, girls can see guys as sex objects too - sometimes. It depends on the girl though. So maybe you just need to hook up with the right one/s?
And in a way I do respect you for staying away from girls then. Maybe when you find what/who you are really looking for and accept yourself, it will be easier to get into a real relationship too?

Solitude, you wrote:


Have you been just hanging out with her or sleeping with her too? There's a big difference, at least in my book. If you were just hanging out (or even if you were just 'casual' and not committed), no reason she shouldn't hang out with others too, especially if you've been 'flakey' on occasions..(?) It sucks though, I understand..
Some people see 'dating' as getting-to-know-you phase and only see fidelity important if there has been commitment from both sides..
Or maybe your intuition was telling you something? hm!

A bad break-up or divorce can influence a person in a negative way.. It's difficult to just 'snap out of it'.. How long ago was it? Allow yourself time for a grieving period.. some people need more time, some less..
There's a reason they call the girl you date after breakup or divorce a 'rebound' girl and don't expect it to last.. (And most girls don't want to be one ) Trust issues are normal in your situation too..

Try to fall in love with yourself like Johno says, yeah.. Or even just accept yourself (acceptance doesn't necessitate 'liking' - that was a big eye-opener when I read it the other day.. You can just accept it the way it is, you don't need to like it.. It's a first step..)

You don't need to be sociable if you don't feel like it.. You can stay home and write bad poetry or whatever.. Have any of your mates been divorced yet or through a bad breakup? Maybe they just don't understand-? I wonder if there is a support group or something where you live, something like in 'Dear John' (that was a goofy TV series but I can see how it could be helpful perhaps to someone in your situation-?) It's probably not 'cool' to go to one if you're in the army, maybe when you return to the rest of the world? Or is there something like that online? Like support forum for divorced people? I bet there are - try googling it?

Long-distance relationships can be hard, yeah.. What can I say? Know what you want first so that you can find someone who wants the same? (And take time while getting to know people so you make sure you know them first and what they want, before 'jumping into things'?)

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Solitude said:

Hey, haven't been here in a while. I'm Jason, I just turned 29 and I'm in the military stationed in Germany. I'm not up to date on the terms and labels related to social phobia, but I would say I'm socially avoidant. I've been a loner all of my life.

In my day to day work life, I don't have problems. I can go to meetings, make phone calls, talk face to face, and BS with the guys on smoke breaks. After the work day is done I guess I feel like I have no clear purpose and become a different person.
I do get invited to go places, but I find myself making excuses not to go just so I can sit at home and feel sorry for myself. The invites are becoming further and further between because most everyone knows I will either make an excuse or flake at the last minute, so people don't bother to ask me anymore. I basically have zero friends these days. When I do go out, I can have a great time because I become very social when drinking. I guess that's why I like it so much... I'm the opposite of my sober self. I have no problem meeting girls, but I have met so many this year that always turn into the same song and dance. I usually fall very hard for them in the first couple of weeks, then I push them away for no good reason and the relationship is over within a month. This has happened 5 or 6 times this year alone. I absolutely do not trust people at all and I know I do this as a defense mechanism.

I don't know why I'm here posting this online, I guess I just feel like I need to vent to someone. I have tried explaining to a couple of select people, but I usually get the old "get over it" response. People don't understand how frustrating this can be. I know I am doing it to my self, but I really feel like I can't control it.

My life at this very moment: it's Friday afternoon for me, I'm living in Europe, and have a 3 day weekend with festivals all around. I have a great girl (been seeing her about 3 weeks) calling me and I keep ignoring her calls. I could go out and have a great weekend partying and traveling, but I know I will probably shut everyone out and spend the entire weekend alone. In fact, I'm getting ready to go out and fire up the grill with some music and beers and spend the evening alone...

I hate this... some days I'm ok, some days I'm not, some days I want to wash down a handful of pills with a bottle of whiskey and sleep forever. Sorry for the wall of text and thanks for reading.

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Richey said:

you seem like a normal, well grounded person to me. i work in an open office around 7 people and other groups of people answering phones, often not knowing how to go about certain tasks, literally as hyper tense as you could imagine. i spend most of the day shaking in my boots and the anxiety literally turns off my personality to the point where i nearly passed out a few times and i dont say anything. when i do try to talk to people i end up being too mumbly or i seem very awkward and probably dumb to them.

so i read your post and thought to myself, you seem like the normal relaxed people i work with with very minor anxiety.

you are already in a position many others arn't. a girlfriend. you can joke around and be relaxed amongst colleagues. you're pretty much already a success.

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CPA23 said:

Believe me Solitude, you are not alone in your feelings. I can be extremely anxious, apprehensive, distrustful, timid, paranoid. Then I could just be really depressed, withdrawn and just not caring at all. I get sooo frustrated at myself many times. I could go weeks or months generally feeling good and then this rush of anxiety can send me crashing down. Sometimes I can deal with it and sometimes it just drives me crazy. I am now 25 and I am still a virgin, never had any "close friends", don't socialize much and I can just get extremely insecure at times. I don't want to go into depth about how or why I became this way. It's just really tough to deal with being distrustful and negative (Sigh). It's just something that I deal with a lot better than I used to. You just have to continue soul-searching. Try to find yourself and your worth as a human. At least that's what I tell myself and it keeps me going.

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Brooklynn said:

what is normal?? I don't know what the hell normal is anyways. You know what I mean?

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